I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Well my ex threw away my contraception and raped me until I got pregnant. I suppose that’s my fault too.

This victim blaming attitude is just unhelpful. OP is a victim here of domestic abuse. You obviously have little understanding of trauma and how that impacts a person.

OP does need to leave for the sake of her children and herself. It was brave of her to post. Posts like yours just tear her down. Do better.

I hate that so many people on here are berating the OP for staying in this situation. Having been there, it's not that easy. It may be for some, but not for others. Please have compassion for the OP, she has gone through so much and is taking the brave steps to try to leave it. Leaving immediately may put her in further danger, so it is best that she is contacting Women's Aid and getting a plan in place.

OP, the majority of this thread is here for you. Some of us know what you've been through as we have experienced it ourselves. Keep talking here while it's safe too. We can give advice. If Women's Aid offer a refuge, try to take it. Your husband won't know where you are but if you go to your parents he will.

Unfortunately it is a lot more common than you think as we see on the news week in, week out. It's complicated but there are a lot of women out there, for a myriad of reasons, that stay and decide (and however unpalatable it may be, it is a choice) that their partners well being is more important than their own or that of their children. All we can hope is that this abuse comes to light soon in some way so the children can be protected and taken out of this environment quickly, either with mum or without her.

There was an article in the Guardian a few months back that showed a short profile of all of the women who have been murdered by violent partners in the last year. Hundreds of them, lots with children. It was deeply upsetting and shocking.

At 36 you are not old. The rest is really not important right now. Your safety is priority. You must leave. If not for yourself then for your kids' including the unborn child you are carrying. Your family as you say is supportive. I bet if they would know the full extent or if they do know they would be elated and breathe easy knowing you are not in danger any longer.

I think your husband is a narcissist and it is a strong possibility he has psychopathological tendencies. Using you for money and everything else, the abuse etc. all point to that. He is sadly incapable of love or compassion.

Please plan your moves carefully. Do not let on you are planning to leave. It is a cliche but the most dangerous time for an abused woman when they are trying to leave. You are even more vulnerable because of your young kids and your pregnancy. Talk to someone you trust like your mom, sister and make an exit plan. Do follow through. You get one chance. You need to contact after the police and document the abuse in detail so there is an official paper trail. Because of the kids you will need a solicitor and advice what ways you can avoid him having access to you via the kids in the future.

You are strong enough to ask for help here. You really know you need to leave. You are strong enough to leave. For your kids' sake and your own please leave.

I used to work in safeguarding in a school. Your 5 year old will either say something or show signs which will alert school staff which will start the social services involvement. This needs to happen. No kids should be subjected to this. Better for all that your sister keeps the kids at hers, you walk out and meet them there, then go to your parents. You can’t let your kids back in that house. You all deserve to be safe.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Domestic violence often intensifies with pregnancy and his abuse could get worse. There is help, support and a new life ahead of you. Be brave and get out. As another poster has said, he's not just abusing you, but your children are more than likely seeing and hearing this behaviour too, and these early years for them are so formative. Don't let them normalise their father treating you like this. You are their mother. Get them, and yourself away. 💔

Sweetheart I feel so sorry for you, but think about the kids. You think you can't do it but if you had no other options for instance he chose to leave you will have no choice to go alone. You know? We always think we are nit capable till life force us.

5hink about your duaghteew would you want this for them because exposing this to them, they will think this is a normal, and this will continue only you will have to watch from the outside

there are a lot of women out there, for a myriad of reasons, that stay and decide (and however unpalatable it may be, it is a choice) that their partners well being is more important than their own or that of their children.

I don't think they get up every morning and look at their childrens' faces, inspect their bruises over their own body and remember being dragged down the stairs at 3am because they left some egg shell in the kitchen sink plug, shut in the back garden in their nighty, before being dragged back in by their hair and pasted black and blue, and make a conscious choice to prioritise their partners wellbeing over that of their children.

This is simplifying it in the extreme and shows very little understanding of the situation, which is fair enough if you have no experience of it, you're speaking from where you're at. How helpful this is, I'm not sure.

If you have the resource to keep your children safe, the financial, mental and emotional resource, then you will. Women that don't do so because they aren't able, for lots of reasons, not because they don't want to.

Stop berating yourself please. Abuse is not about the victim's weakness but about power imbalance and control. You went into this with open heart, compassion and love. He went into it because he needed someone to satisfy his needs. For him relationships are instrumental, they are about him and what others can do for him. He is incapable of love as you and I understand it.

He destroyed your self worth, manipulated you for years to gain control and created the perfect situation for his needs. You are not weak at all. You are very strong for putting up with this for years. You need to use the same courage you bore all this horrible abuse to leave. He will never ever change.

Please please plan it and do it. Contact women's aid ASAP as others have said they will give you good practical advice and support. Let us know how it goes. All the very best xx

Think about how powerful you are, you are already doing it yourself. You are an single person already, you are taking care of yourself, him and your children. Think about how easier it will be, and relaxed you will be without him.

It is really not as simple as women deciding that their partners wellbeing is more important than their children’s and staying put. Abuse is complex and has a massive impact on a persons sense of self - it’s incredibly disempowering. Often women will have been gaslighted for years and do not trust their own judgement or thoughts. Their self esteem will be on the floor from internalising the psychological abuse. The majority of women in abusive relationships have experienced prior abuse - often in childhood, often the trauma of abuse and cycles of abuse will go on for generations. So victims of domestic violence have been socialised into this being NORMAL at a young age and often in vulnerable circumstances. It is impossible to understand if you have only known loving, caring and safe relationships. Sadly victims of abuse have firstly been abused and neglected by their parents and go on to replicate this in further relationships. There is a familiarity to the abuse because it’s all they know, there is no faith that better is out there because it’s not been experienced. Leaving takes immense courage and a big leap of faith, because it’s terrifying to leave everything you know even if that in itself is horrible. It is never as simple as JUST LEAVE.

It is never a woman’s fault. We need to do better as a society in preventing this violence and abuse of women and girls, not victim blaming. Men need to STOP abusing women.

The OP has posted in need of support, not victim blaming and shaming or minimising how difficult it is to be her. We need to do better.

Thankyou

Hi, OP -

You’ve not been back to your thread for a while, so I hope you are taking positive action. I am sure it is scary, but you can do it.

Very best wishes

OP - I absolutely understand those feelings, my situation was nothing like yours, but I was able to take control of it when I called the police. I have a thread running about my experience over the last 10 months.
What I would say is the impossible becomes possible when it is reality.
Thinking of you.

I hope that by reading these messages you are feeling less alone. Well done for sharing this and what you are going through. As others have said, one step at a time. You cannot continue to live this way. You have a supportive family, there is help out there.
Do not feel responsible for him. Do not tell him you are leaving. You priorities are yourself and your children. Show them the strength you have to leave and seek out a better life. It may feel hard right now, but it won't always. You deserve so much more than this. Don't ever forget that x

Leave for your children! End of!!!!! Do not stay for someone who obviously hates you and uses you. If you don’t leave you will be helping to ruin your children's lives! Go and go now!!!

Then don’t “leave”. View it as a break. Stay with family for two weeks and tell yourself that you’ll just get through the two weeks. In that time, ask your family and friends to support you by making life a normal day for that time, so that you have the chance to experience a different life. Allow yourself to feel guilt, shame, fear, anger along the way.

Once you’re out of your house, you may be able to think more clearly and find the strength not to return.

Ive finished with WA.

I am not leaving tonight. My kids will stay with my sister until tomorrow morning and then with my Mum until Thursday. 5yo caught a tummy bug so he has to be off school anyway. I am going to sort some stuff out tonight and have told him I am going to my sisters for more wedding planning bits and will spend the night there.(she is engaged). Tomorrow night he is at his grandparents sorting their loft out and will stay there and go direct to work Thursday. Once he is at work Thursday I will disconnect from Find my iPhone etc, pick the kids up and travel to my uncle who lives a 2 hours away. I dont know what will happen after. I dont even know if i can stay gone. All i know is that once i'm there I'll have peace to think. I know it sounds weak but thats as far as I can think now. I have someone in WA to contact once settled and before if I need it.

I'm going to log out of Mumsnet and clear the history in a minute and may not be back on for a few days.

I know i need clothes, documents, kids stuffies, medication, passports, chargers and devices, baby folder, birth certs and cash. Is there anything glaring I am missing?

Even now i feel sick and panicked but also so freaking daft. Like i am over reacting and need to calm down and stop being so stupid. That its fine. I know its not and i know if nothing else i need a few days away to think and recover and research. I defintely need someone to talk through the panic with but also this guilt and the sense of going against duty by leaving. I cant believe this is happening. I keep thinking what the hell am i doing?

You know you must leave. My father threatened suicide for the duration of his relationship with my mum. She stayed for fear of being responsible for his death. We all suffered. She finally (after he almost killed her) left age 50. That was more than 20 years ago and he's still alive and kicking, unfortunately. Men who threaten suicide never follow through. You need to leave, for your children's sakes as much as your own. You are lucky that you have a supportive family, engage their help. Good luck.

Yes you do have to get the police involved and get him charged. If you don't he could take your children to spite you.
At the moment with no police involvement he could pick them up from school and take them, there is nothing stopping them.
He already has one conviction so it will be easy.
If you call the police now they can get you in an emergency refuge.
You don't have nobody, you have family, when I left my violent husband I actually had nobody, no family and no friends.
We did just fine. The day I was finally free after divorce was the happiest day of my life.

You are doing the right thing. Don’t doubt it. You can do this!

You need to leave, for you and for your children, I was in a similar situation, no way near as bad but stuck in that constant cycle of fear and abuse from him, followed by suicide threats if I were to leave him, I was trauma bonded and my nervous system was shot. He was also SA as a child and had Borderline Personality Disorder, I suggest you look into this as this may be what is behind this mans's personality, he won't change, he won't get better, please please find a SAFE way to leave

Goodness. Good luck. Please update us so that we know you are safe. What you’re doing is incredibly brave.

You’ve talked a lot about your husband and the impact of leaving on him.

What about the impact of staying on your kids ?

You don’t need to feel guilty because by leaving you’re not choosing between yourself and him, you’re choosing your kids welfare and safety and mental health over both of you and placing them first.

Your first obligation and role is to make a decision that is in their best interest.

I am sure you’re a very loving mother but sometimes in these situations we get so manipulated that it becomes all about that person and our duty to them.

Your duty is to your kids and yourself because it looks like you’re the only lighthouse and safe adult they have.