To hope that SIL forgives me?

[ellamaydavis]

Long story but I will make it as short as possible:

• I had a very traumatic experience within my own family
• SIL got involved (families knowing one another etc.) and from a very small town.
• SIL in my view took shouldn't have been involved. I was very upset over this.
• I wrote to SIL and apologised for being so upset. She didn't accept the apology and I didn't hear from her at all really. Bumped into her a few times randomly - everything civil and cordial on the surface.
• I have been deeply disappointed by DH in all of this. DH never got involved at all to tell his sister to keep out of the traumatic experience. He was of no support to me. I felt very alone. We separated earlier this year over it all, but continue to share the house (financial reasons and we have 2 kids).
• Fast forward to yesterday. DH met with SIL, without my knowledge and verbally attacked her. Came home yesterday proud of himself that he finally stood up to her.
• I was devastated. SIL and me had gone from a place of hostility to civility and now that's destroyed by DH's actions. DH couldn't understand and thinks he has done me a favour. Thinks it will somehow 'win me back'.
• Today, as a broken person, I put pen to paper and wrote a heartfelt apology again to SIL, that I had no idea DH was going to do that yesterday, that I was not behind it and that I am sorry for everything I have done to cause family discord. I really put myself on the line and wholeheartedly apologised and took every ounce of the blame.
• I asked SIL to please be a support to DH as we navigate the troubled waters that lie ahead for us.

SIL has rejected my apology and wants nothing to do with me. I totally agree that I have been partly at fault (but she has ignored me from day 1, I cannot get so much of a drop of compassion or understanding from her). But I have taken the flack and I really don't know what else to do. The last thing I want is for DH to be at loggerheads with his family.

His mum is sick and I don't want the family to have unhappiness over a blow-in like me. I fully acknowledge my faults and failings in everything. I could have handled things better. I admit this to SIL. I just want to be able to have civility and respect for one another. I don't know how to move on. AIBU?

Was your SIL in the wrong when you got very upset with her?

and when you say you got very upset with her… what does this look like in reality?

why are you referring to your ex as your DH

you are separated and presumably plan to divorce

Stop worrying about your ex’s relationship with his sister FGS

You have much bigger issues to focus on surely

I’m struggling to see what you need to be forgiven for. SIL should not have interfered in your relationship with your family without your consent.

It’s not clear what you did that upset her so much. How long ago was the original incident? You say you were very upset but it must have been pretty spectacular.

She wasn’t interested in a relationship wifi you when you were still with her brother, he’s stirred it all back up and you’re no longer together so it’s clear she’s not going to get over it and has no reason to. All you can do is let go of it. With divorce still to get through you’ve got enough other stuff to focus on.

So her crime was interfering in your drama.
And now your interfering with her families relationships.

She's cut you off. When you divorce she won't have any ties to you.
Stop badgering her and accept her boundary.

Yes, I believe my SIL was wrong. My friends believe that she was wrong. She jumped right in to a family matter within my blood family that quite frankly had nothing to do with her. I was blindsided by her involvement TBH.

My upset involved me always being very cordial and nice to everyone, but I took a step back from the inlaws a bit and missed a few things/dinners. I made excuses up. I am sure they could see through me. I never had a row with her, never uttered a cross word to her.

However, in January of this year, my DH was at his parents house and said that "Ella can't stand SIL" and it got back to her. I wrote her a big apology that time, texted her (no reply). I couldn't believe DH would do that behind my back.

DH and me ended up at couple's counselling and DH was warned not to go on solo runs again to his family about me. He subsequently did something similar in March (counsellor couldn't believe it, neither could I) and again yesterday. I have been very angry with DH over it all. I guess he felt under pressure so I understand yesterday a little bit, but it has just caused huge further damage.

Why do you keep issuing heartfelt apologies to someone who appears to have interfered in something traumatic you experienced, which was nothing to do with her?

You're right. I am sorry. Ex-DH.

So you've involved your friends in this drama as well?

Oh this is all sounds very dramatic and tedious and… childish

You are your ex have separated

Really, don’t navel gaze about his familial relationships or your with your SIL who you think was unreasonable anyway

and you’re got more drama in your own blood family?!

Sounds like a soap opera

I don't know. Because being perceived to be a cause of drama in my EX-Dh's family is very upsetting for me. I don't want to have to be accused of being a cuckoo in their nest. I just want them all to be happy. I feel that my existence/interference or whatever it is, has caused discord. I just want to apologise and for a line to be drawn in the sand for things to be cordial. We live in a very small town.

No, not at all. We had a girls weekend in the last few months and I just told them. I don't have ongoing conversations with them about it. It was more to bounce the story off them than anything. My friends don't live in my town.

good shout!

You're separating with your DH, she's not gonna be your SIL for much longer.

You don't need her forgiveness nor do you need to speak to or see her ever again.

Let it go.

Yes it is. I have a drug addicted family member and it has caused serious anguish and heartache in our family. That's the main issue in my own family.

DH and me ended up at couple's counselling and DH was warned not to go on solo runs again to his family about me.

WTAF

You are a drama llama.
Leave this poor woman alone!

Your ex is responsible for his relationships and behaviour.As is your SiL.

You are responsible for yours.

You have done nothing wrong. If they are choosing to behave badly and fall out, it’s nothing to do with you.

You need to stay out of their squabbles just as she should have stayed out of your traumatic family situation.

Go back to counselling. Stop writing apologies to people who don’t care about you when you’ve done nothing wrong.

My upset involved me always being very cordial and nice to everyone,

Sure it did OP

You banned your husband from seeing his family alone

Yep, the way I see it is that I have never said one bad thing to my SIL. Never called her out when she jumped in with 2 feet into my own family. I would have beared it and carried on. My EX-DH went to his family about me behind my back - painted me in a horrible light to them and now I am persona non grata.

No I didn't! What?!
I asked him not to say things about me to them when he was seeing them. He sees his family all the time!

Surely your SIL started the ‘drama’ p, if drama there is, by interfering? And you’d have been far better off directly engaging with her about it at the time, rather than wordlessly avoiding family occasions. But surely it’s completely irrelevant now they’re no longer your ILs, anyway? Apologising for your existence sounds completely mad!

If you’re split she’s no longer your sil. So why all the stress. Why are you writing apologies and hoping she apologises, she’s no longer your sil and he’s no longer your husband?

Stop tying yourself in knots and apologising to someone who doesn't sound very nice in the first place and clearly doesn't care about you. Just have a "fuck em all" attitude and forget about it.