To hope that SIL forgives me?

[ellamaydavis]

Long story but I will make it as short as possible:

• I had a very traumatic experience within my own family
• SIL got involved (families knowing one another etc.) and from a very small town.
• SIL in my view took shouldn't have been involved. I was very upset over this.
• I wrote to SIL and apologised for being so upset. She didn't accept the apology and I didn't hear from her at all really. Bumped into her a few times randomly - everything civil and cordial on the surface.
• I have been deeply disappointed by DH in all of this. DH never got involved at all to tell his sister to keep out of the traumatic experience. He was of no support to me. I felt very alone. We separated earlier this year over it all, but continue to share the house (financial reasons and we have 2 kids).
• Fast forward to yesterday. DH met with SIL, without my knowledge and verbally attacked her. Came home yesterday proud of himself that he finally stood up to her.
• I was devastated. SIL and me had gone from a place of hostility to civility and now that's destroyed by DH's actions. DH couldn't understand and thinks he has done me a favour. Thinks it will somehow 'win me back'.
• Today, as a broken person, I put pen to paper and wrote a heartfelt apology again to SIL, that I had no idea DH was going to do that yesterday, that I was not behind it and that I am sorry for everything I have done to cause family discord. I really put myself on the line and wholeheartedly apologised and took every ounce of the blame.
• I asked SIL to please be a support to DH as we navigate the troubled waters that lie ahead for us.

SIL has rejected my apology and wants nothing to do with me. I totally agree that I have been partly at fault (but she has ignored me from day 1, I cannot get so much of a drop of compassion or understanding from her). But I have taken the flack and I really don't know what else to do. The last thing I want is for DH to be at loggerheads with his family.

His mum is sick and I don't want the family to have unhappiness over a blow-in like me. I fully acknowledge my faults and failings in everything. I could have handled things better. I admit this to SIL. I just want to be able to have civility and respect for one another. I don't know how to move on. AIBU?

Gosh, I thought there were harsh replies. Please don’t take them to heart @ellamaydavis. Many of us have been in stressful situations like this, with a serious impact on our health. But you’ll get there in the end. You sound a very responsible and kind person. Please don’t be hard on yourself 💐

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

All the best OP`

OP, you are not a drama llama in any respect. Based on your update about your SIL approaching your parents about your addicted sibling, you never owed her any kind of apology. I think your STBX DH, while wording it clumsily, was actually right to articulate back in Jan that you weren't happy with her. It sounds like he meant you couldn't stand her for interfering but the last bit got dropped when it was relayed back. Frankly, I'd have been furious with my SIL for presenting herself as my family's saviour while running me down! It sounds like your marriage is done but I know who I'd be angrier with – DH or SIL – if I were you and it wouldn't be my DH.

I really think the best thing you can do now is back away from the situation completely. Don’t go chasing after people who don’t care about you asking for their forgiveness. They are nothing to do with you anymore. Get rid of the DH and move on with your life. If you can possibly manage to move away from the village do that

But some of us say it more nicely and don't drive the OP off her own thread.

Again that's your opinion
The OPs actions and decisions are her own.

OP I can tell all this upset has hurt you deeply, if you are writing apology letters - few would do it. You clearly sought family harmony at the expense of your own sense of fairness, as you were totally right to tell her to not overstep (you don’t give many details but it sounds really inappropriate of her, a sensitive thing).

It sounds to me that your decision to leave your husband was a good one, he was impulsive and didn’t have your back. To be honest, the whole family sounds like hard work. I know SIL’s snub hurts you, but it’s for the best, she doesn’t sound nice at all. Be glad that the chaos can settle now, don’t engage with his side if you don’t have to, just go with the flow on it and don’t worry about what any of these meddling/shouty/argumentative/dramatic/unforgiving people think of you. You did your best and your kids will have a good example in you.

Disgusted by the browbeating and objectionable bullying of OP by two posters on this thread.

@ellamaydavis I hope you're able to get some proper support for yourself away from the site. I've also dealt with addiction in my family: my sibling battled alcoholism for years until bottoming out and finally having to face a stark choice of whether to the addiction or die. He has, thankfully, now been in recovery for over a year.

It was a LONG road to get to that point and it's been very tough on the family. In the circumstances you describe, an apology to your SiL was far more magnanimous than she deserved.

Let the dust settle and keep these people at a distance. You don't owe anyone any more apologies.

As are yours. You're choosing to be throughly unpleasant and flex your bullying muscle against a vulnerable poster.

This says nothing whatsoever about OP but a great deal about you.

And we can all make our own judgements about posters here.
We're all free to post and free to leave if we wish.

My take on everything it’s very criptic so people are acting on what they read . It slowly becomes clear .

i think apologising for something that it seems you did nothing wrong is bloody pointless .

you might have achieved been more direct .. I understand you were wanting to help but this has been a really long road with sibling . I do what I need to now to preserve my mh and protect Dc.

In all honesty families usually take their ones side it is rare families remain enmeshed with Ex’s .. You and Sil haven’t been friends for a long time . Dc can have a relationship with cousins at school via Dad . I assume you have different groups of friends . So hold your head high and don’t apologise for no reason .Again leave ex with his relationship with his family .

you are finding your way through separation .As for ex .. I would say you don’t need him standing up for you now … that boat has long since sailed so just don’t bother letting him know x

Oh, OP, I'm really sorry you feel and been made to feel this way 🙏 It shows you're being trough a lot and I feel for you, as I'm sure many others do. I voted YANBU because I could understand perfectly well being worried with keeping a good relationship with your in-laws while living in a small town. I actually interpreted the YABU as kind of supportive, meaning you did nothing wrong and shouldn't have to apologise.
Having read all your updates, I have some things in my mind:

1. I still believe YANBU to be upset because it's a very difficult situation and your (soon to be ex) DH clearly didn't have your back and definitely made it worse. I'm really sorry.
2. What your SIL did is imo very bad. Obvs I don't know enough of the backstory, but her moving behind your back and discrediting you is awful, more so because it"s a small town and these things are like subtle chess moves in the game of social relationships. Of course you fear being the outcast! Anyone who lives/has lived in a small community can empathise!
3. I get the wanting to apologise for the sake of your children and to be civil. But there's only so much you can do and it seems you've done what's right here. Your SIL, if she's the manipulative drama addict kind of person, won't be reasonable: no matter how much effort you put in the relationship. So I'd try to reconsider what is worthy of your effort.
4. Do you have any support (apart from your counselor) to help you deal with the situation within your family? I know there are charities that help family members of addicts: maybe you can do some research? You don't have to do it alone 🙏

Again, I feel for you @ellamaydavis as it sounds you're going through an awful situation, in part due to a very toxic dynamic between your DH and his family! YANBU at all. I honestly hope you can find your inner peace and forgive yourself: you've done nothing wrong here 💐

You totally missed @SensibleSigma's point