To hope that SIL forgives me?

[ellamaydavis]

Long story but I will make it as short as possible:

• I had a very traumatic experience within my own family
• SIL got involved (families knowing one another etc.) and from a very small town.
• SIL in my view took shouldn't have been involved. I was very upset over this.
• I wrote to SIL and apologised for being so upset. She didn't accept the apology and I didn't hear from her at all really. Bumped into her a few times randomly - everything civil and cordial on the surface.
• I have been deeply disappointed by DH in all of this. DH never got involved at all to tell his sister to keep out of the traumatic experience. He was of no support to me. I felt very alone. We separated earlier this year over it all, but continue to share the house (financial reasons and we have 2 kids).
• Fast forward to yesterday. DH met with SIL, without my knowledge and verbally attacked her. Came home yesterday proud of himself that he finally stood up to her.
• I was devastated. SIL and me had gone from a place of hostility to civility and now that's destroyed by DH's actions. DH couldn't understand and thinks he has done me a favour. Thinks it will somehow 'win me back'.
• Today, as a broken person, I put pen to paper and wrote a heartfelt apology again to SIL, that I had no idea DH was going to do that yesterday, that I was not behind it and that I am sorry for everything I have done to cause family discord. I really put myself on the line and wholeheartedly apologised and took every ounce of the blame.
• I asked SIL to please be a support to DH as we navigate the troubled waters that lie ahead for us.

SIL has rejected my apology and wants nothing to do with me. I totally agree that I have been partly at fault (but she has ignored me from day 1, I cannot get so much of a drop of compassion or understanding from her). But I have taken the flack and I really don't know what else to do. The last thing I want is for DH to be at loggerheads with his family.

His mum is sick and I don't want the family to have unhappiness over a blow-in like me. I fully acknowledge my faults and failings in everything. I could have handled things better. I admit this to SIL. I just want to be able to have civility and respect for one another. I don't know how to move on. AIBU?

Because we cannot avoid one another. I have 2 kids who are her niece/nephew. We live in a tiny town. Our kids attend school together. I see her in the shops etc. I don't want to be an outcast.

so what does this mean

DH was warned not to go on solo runs again to his family about me.

what? you’d be an outcast for this

Bloody hell

Stop being so dramatic

Yes you can.
You leave her alone and don't speak to her.

When you bump into her in town, you make polite chit chat about the weather or the school fair. You treat her the same as any other random parent in town. As long as both of you act like adults, there won’t be a problem.

You must leave this SIL alone, otherwise if anything is said about you… it will be “What the heck, is she still badgering you with letters?!

?

I took that to mean he’s not to go running his mouth to his family about OP when she is not there

Not talking about her and what happened to his family.

Your opinion is she interfered.
From that you've created an ongoing drama that has seen her harassed.
You must've made a drama about it regardless of what you say as your husband has said you don't like her and then went to 'defend' you.

She couldn't have made it clearer. She wants no part in any relationship with you!

DH was warned not to go on solo runs again to his family about me.

Why did she involve herself in your family drama?

Out of concern for her brother/nephews/nieces?

Sounds as if it's mostly down to your ex though.

Can't keep his gob shut when he sees his family.

He should be the one apologising to his sister!

I’m guessing you’re not close to his parents either

It’s pretty obvious she’s referring to him going on to
them about her. She’s confirmed this separately.

Did you talk shit about her to your husband (why he told his family you cant stand SIL) and now you regret getting him all worked up that he had to go say something?

“solo runs” …. to me that means visits surely

Your STBXH has a lot to answer for here,but as you're divorcing, this is not your circus. He has ensured animosity between you and his family. You didn't cause it and you cannot control it. Let it be. When you see his family, just say hi politely and don't pause. If they ignore you, don't speak to them further. Be very careful in your separation - confirm everything legally and don't expect him to be decent. I second the recommendation for you to have individual counselling. You're in an immensely stressful situation.

Oh and Relationships is a slightly better place for you to post - AIBU is a place where posters come to see who can be the most unpleasant.

You have done what you can re. Sil, so leave it be. You have a serious DH problem, and also with his disfunctional family. Can you get on with the divorce and draw a line under all this drama. Don't get involved further with any of them.

What did she actually do?

Are you saying you being very upset was only demonstrated by avoiding a few family dinners?

If so why would you ever apologise for that and why only to ex SIL and not the rest of the family?

It means not to b*tch about me to his family if he wanted to maintain a positive relationship. He goes to them all the time ALONE.

No, I literally am being outcasted.

Today, as a broken person, I put pen to paper and wrote a heartfelt apology again to SIL,

oh stop it OP, seriously 🙄

I certainly did not ban my EX-DH from seeing his family in any shape or form. No clue where this is coming from?

Well you are split?

Stop apologising to her, you appear to have done nothing wrong yet you keep apologising-for your soon to be ex? Why? Their relationship is not your business. Keep it superficial and polite when you see her, if she acknowledges you. As you say, you’re guaranteed to see her, so keep it breezy and bright.