To hope that SIL forgives me?

[ellamaydavis]

Long story but I will make it as short as possible:

• I had a very traumatic experience within my own family
• SIL got involved (families knowing one another etc.) and from a very small town.
• SIL in my view took shouldn't have been involved. I was very upset over this.
• I wrote to SIL and apologised for being so upset. She didn't accept the apology and I didn't hear from her at all really. Bumped into her a few times randomly - everything civil and cordial on the surface.
• I have been deeply disappointed by DH in all of this. DH never got involved at all to tell his sister to keep out of the traumatic experience. He was of no support to me. I felt very alone. We separated earlier this year over it all, but continue to share the house (financial reasons and we have 2 kids).
• Fast forward to yesterday. DH met with SIL, without my knowledge and verbally attacked her. Came home yesterday proud of himself that he finally stood up to her.
• I was devastated. SIL and me had gone from a place of hostility to civility and now that's destroyed by DH's actions. DH couldn't understand and thinks he has done me a favour. Thinks it will somehow 'win me back'.
• Today, as a broken person, I put pen to paper and wrote a heartfelt apology again to SIL, that I had no idea DH was going to do that yesterday, that I was not behind it and that I am sorry for everything I have done to cause family discord. I really put myself on the line and wholeheartedly apologised and took every ounce of the blame.
• I asked SIL to please be a support to DH as we navigate the troubled waters that lie ahead for us.

SIL has rejected my apology and wants nothing to do with me. I totally agree that I have been partly at fault (but she has ignored me from day 1, I cannot get so much of a drop of compassion or understanding from her). But I have taken the flack and I really don't know what else to do. The last thing I want is for DH to be at loggerheads with his family.

His mum is sick and I don't want the family to have unhappiness over a blow-in like me. I fully acknowledge my faults and failings in everything. I could have handled things better. I admit this to SIL. I just want to be able to have civility and respect for one another. I don't know how to move on. AIBU?

compare this with the version you have in your Op

From the sounds of your posts it reads as though (from SIL point of view), Rightly or wrongly, SIL tried to offer support and have your back so to speak within your own family drama,you then threw this back in her face and then proceeded to split up with her brother because he didn't tell her to F off and then you proceeded to turn her own brother against her, his choice now being his sister or marriage. Your SIL obvious felt like you were family or she wouldn't have got involved with your down family drama.

I actually think you owe your husband an apology aswell. He couldn't win in this scenario.

This is exactly it

in jan he told his sister you didn’t like her
you write and apologised
she didn’t accept apology but it’s been completely civil and done since then

then yesterday your ex raised it all again

and since yesterday you have “broken” and been “outcasted”

Op the only way you can prevent this spiralling into outcast territory is to stop communicating and pleading for a resolution and just respect everyone’s position. Your sil will do what she wants, regardless or even in spite of your upset.

Pull back. Grey rock, be civil if she says hello. Start behaving like an adult. Assuming they are not the mafia you do not need to fear her or any of them.

After January it went civil and okay, after I sent her a big apology for EX-Dh telling his parents I didn't like her. I told him that in confidence, not expecting him to tell his parents..who then told SIL

so Jan until yesterday…. been civil

and now you’re reacting like this since yesterday?

and e. I fully acknowledge my faults and failings in everything.

really? what? because aside from you saying that you treated everyone “very kindly” and respectfully but ever so slightly backed off, i don’t see you think you did anything wron

But your op is all about how you're divorcing him because he wouldn't do this and are deeply disappointed in him for not getting involved

• I have been deeply disappointed by DH in all of this. DH never got involved at all to tell his sister to keep out of the traumatic experience. He was of no support to me. I felt very alone. We separated earlier this year over it all, but continue to share the house (financial reasons and we have 2 kids).

as ever poor kids in all this, parents splitting up as dad won't do what mum wants, then all this drama when he does!

No, SIL stepped in to my family and said to my parents that "Ella isn't being supportive enough etc." type thing. No, she was not trying to have my back. The very, very opposite. I have a drug addicted sibling and I was not letting my kids near him because he was completely unhinged on drugs, homeless, stealing, in prison etc., trashed my parents house etc.
SIL approached my family as "support" because I wasn't being supportive enough. That's the interference. Not that she tried to have my back. It wasn't that at all.

Yeah, okay. Thanks.

so you didn’t like this is all very messed up and definitely one id love to hear the SIL’s version of!

Op, in the nicest possible way (and I may well get flamed for saying this) grow a pair!
Your soon to be exSIL, stuck her beak into a private family matter and you apologised to her??
Then your soon to be exDH told his DS off for sticking her beak in and you again apologised to her?
Grow a pair, stop contacting her and get on with your own life

So to summarise in general, it seems my answer is that I am unreasonable. I have apologised. I don't think I should or could do more. I will stop contacting these people because, as someone pointed out, they should call the police on me.

Have any of you posters ever wondered if the OP is going through something that's so severe to her that her health is on the line? I wonder have answers people have given on Mumsnet ever pushed a person over the edge to a mental breakdown, suicide etc.?

You can all be keyboard warriors behind a screen, but next time when you're commenting, you could comment something constructive without indicating that maybe the police need to be called on me, that I am harrassing someone.

I am going through a lot. A LOT. You have no idea until you step into someone's shoes what it's like to go through this.

Thank you to the people who answered genuinely and kindly. Some of you had messages that were hard to hear, but I respect that. Thank you. I do think I am an incredibly SH*T person and I deserve nothing but all the unhappiness and ill luck in the world. I do believe that. I am not playing the victim. I can't because you don't know me. I am a faceless person behind the keyboard.

Thank you to everyone who commented. I will not comment again.

You're not being outcast. This is generally what happens when couples split up. You stop being family.

You need to stop wasting your time trying to get these people to like you or accept you. There is no point. They don't care. They don't need to care. You don't even need to be civil. It's fine to blank each other. Your children's relationship with that side of their family is their father's responsibility to facilitate.

This!

Please do not let this situation get to this point op. It will all pass if you allow some space. A case of the less said, soonest mended.

If you are struggling to this degree, please reach for support and help in real life.

116123

i wish you well and hope you will distance to protect yourself.

I’m sorry OP. Please do not take that user’s posts to heart at all. They are a PBP (previously banned poster) that makes a new account every day or two and harasses OPs. They have a distinctive style of posting and usually get banned fairly quickly. The mods are just a bit slow today. Soon all of their posts will vanish until they make their next account (probably tomorrow, as they are rather unhinged).

So your ex Ils want to "outcast" you because you don't like their daughter?

What does that mean in reality?

I feel for you. It sounds like a lot of stress for you all, given the struggles of your relative, your relationship breakdown, MIL’s illness etc. Not to mention the usual stresses and strains of family life with two children. Is it possible you’re also perimenopausal and this is making it all more overwhelming and emotional?

There’s nothing more you can do. If you’ve explained to your SIL that you want to be on good terms, hopefully she’ll calm down and eventually be civil again. She was likely blindsided by your Ex’s attack and needs a little time to calm down and consider how she feels.

I’d strongly advise you to let the dust settle, with both your SIL and ex. You can’t push your SIL into being amicable again. Focus on yourself and your children. Start planning some things to occupy your time and look forward to: days out with the kids, meeting up with your own friends, fitness, things you enjoy (gigs, exhibitions, new books etc).

Have you sought any advice about moving forward without your ex? Are you even 100% sure you don’t want to try again? It must be very stressful for you all living in the same place. Do your children know you’ve split up? Do you have separate bedrooms or still sharing a bed together? It sounds like you’re still acting like a married couple, which is understandable, given there’s been no physical separation. He sounds like he’s under a lot of stress too (especially if his mum’s ill) and wanting to save your relationship.

If your relationship’s definitely over, for your own sanity, I advise you to start planning a future life for yourself. Even if it might be a while before you can afford your own home, start to make a plan to move towards that. For example, do you need to start looking for a better paid job?

Even if there’s a chance you might be able to patch things up, do more to build your own life and interests, so you can escape your shared home and claustrophobic family dramas more. Forget about his family and what they think of you for now. From odd things you say, it sounds like your self-esteem might be a bit low and you’re feeling too responsible for everyone. Focus on yourself, being a mum to your kids and what’s best for you.

No, SIL stepped in to my family and said to my parents that "Ella isn't being supportive enough etc." type thing. // I have a drug addicted sibling and I was not letting my kids near him because he was completely unhinged on drugs, homeless, stealing, in prison etc., trashed my parents house etc.
SIL approached my family as "support" because I wasn't being supportive enough.

More than ten posts from the OP before we get to the very important detail concerning the nature of her SIL's "intervention". I think most people were imagining, OP, that your SIL was defending, or at least trying to defend you, when she intervened.

Your SIL's conduct is baffling, OP. I don't know why you didn't just cut all contact with her immediately. Why on earth did you feel the need to apologise?

Anyway, that's all by the by now, just move on and ignore stupid nasty people.

I think we need to be mindful on here that op has stated she is feeling suicidal. Let’s not make things even worse for her.

OP hasn't really done anything wrong apart from issue an unnecessary apology to her SIL. She remained cordial to her SIL when her SIL interfered in OP's family problems and it was her DH that made everything worse.

OP just needs to back off from SIL and her DH's family.

OP - stop apologising to your ex and his family for their own bad behaviour. Stay cordial in shops and at the school gate. Your ex can facilitate the kids seeing his side of the family. Leave them all behind you and concentrate your efforts on your own wellbeing.

Well AIBU is known for being particularly brutal and I think it’s because you are acting a bit like a wet blanket about this whole thing (sorry - from a fellow wet blanket). Your SIL was a massive dick and overstepped the line with your family issues and you sent an apology letter for being more absent than usual (reinforcing the idea to SIL that she was right). STBXH gossiped about things you discussed privately together with his family and now they are pissed. So you write yet another grovelling letter?! Come on OP. Grow a spine and hold your head up high and think “fuck this!” You are divorcing that man and his family. They weren’t going to like you from this point on anyway. That’s usually how divorce plays out. You’d be better off being polite and cordial but giving zero fucks about their opinions and enjoy your own life now.

That's your opinion.
I have a very different one.

We alla free that OP needs to stop with the unwanted contact.