To hope that SIL forgives me?

[ellamaydavis]

Long story but I will make it as short as possible:

• I had a very traumatic experience within my own family
• SIL got involved (families knowing one another etc.) and from a very small town.
• SIL in my view took shouldn't have been involved. I was very upset over this.
• I wrote to SIL and apologised for being so upset. She didn't accept the apology and I didn't hear from her at all really. Bumped into her a few times randomly - everything civil and cordial on the surface.
• I have been deeply disappointed by DH in all of this. DH never got involved at all to tell his sister to keep out of the traumatic experience. He was of no support to me. I felt very alone. We separated earlier this year over it all, but continue to share the house (financial reasons and we have 2 kids).
• Fast forward to yesterday. DH met with SIL, without my knowledge and verbally attacked her. Came home yesterday proud of himself that he finally stood up to her.
• I was devastated. SIL and me had gone from a place of hostility to civility and now that's destroyed by DH's actions. DH couldn't understand and thinks he has done me a favour. Thinks it will somehow 'win me back'.
• Today, as a broken person, I put pen to paper and wrote a heartfelt apology again to SIL, that I had no idea DH was going to do that yesterday, that I was not behind it and that I am sorry for everything I have done to cause family discord. I really put myself on the line and wholeheartedly apologised and took every ounce of the blame.
• I asked SIL to please be a support to DH as we navigate the troubled waters that lie ahead for us.

SIL has rejected my apology and wants nothing to do with me. I totally agree that I have been partly at fault (but she has ignored me from day 1, I cannot get so much of a drop of compassion or understanding from her). But I have taken the flack and I really don't know what else to do. The last thing I want is for DH to be at loggerheads with his family.

His mum is sick and I don't want the family to have unhappiness over a blow-in like me. I fully acknowledge my faults and failings in everything. I could have handled things better. I admit this to SIL. I just want to be able to have civility and respect for one another. I don't know how to move on. AIBU?

by his family

the residents of this “small town” must be just his family!

I’d stop sending letters OP and bugger them all. You’re getting divorced, which people do all the time. The majority don’t maintain relationships with in laws after that anyway. The letters are too much and she’s not receptive anyway. Fresh start!

I feel you’re getting a hard time here op. I’ve had difficult times with family along the same vein, and used to live in a tiny community where everyone knew everyone’s business. It’s a tough rock/hard place to be in especially if you’re the type of person who’s tries avoid it all snowballing then feel overwhelmed when it does.

Your SiL and husband sound from the same cut, her interference with your personal issues and your husband shouting after a horse that long bolted to seem like the late hero. If you’re the bad guy in her view, so be it. She’s not perfect herself evidently. It’s not your job to fix people, your family members or sister in law. And it’s not your job to apologies on behalf of your husband - you can explain he did what he didn’t his own accord but if she doesn’t accept that then 🤷‍♀️. Things will seem a lot clearer once you’re fully separated from this family.

But you bitched about his sister to him?
And wanted him to argue with her thus causing drama in their family...

I have been deeply disappointed by DH in all of this. DH never got involved at all to tell his sister to keep out of the traumatic experience. He was of no support to me. I felt very alone

This happened….. yesterday

So how the heck do you know you’re being “outcasted”. Previous to today it was civil and fine

DH met with SIL, without my knowledge

So? You’re separated.

Have you lived in a small area? Believe me, piss off one person and you seemingly have 30 more who will take sides because they’re their mothers aunt’s dog’s pet rock third cousin once removed….

You can't avoid SIL as long as you live in the same town, but you can be civil when the two of you meet. That's the grown up thing to do and will make life easier for the children involved. Then let it go. Just tell yourself that you got involved in an upsetting family row and the people concerned, including yourself, couldn't find a way to resolve it so that everyone is happy, and this may never happen.
Meanwhile you can say hello politely and pass the time of day now and then, and focus on the things in your life that you can enjoy.

shudder

No she's not!

Don't you tell friends about big events/happenings in your life?

Most people (that I know) do

the OP describes herself as “a broken person” because of this

the Op said she has been “outcasted”. This happened….yesterday

Talking to your husband about an issue with his family is not 'bitching' fgs

But @ellamaydavis stop apologising for things you are not responsible for

And detach as far as possible from your Ex. Whatever he's doing with his family should be nothing to do with you now,

Stop sending apology letters to your ex-SIL. You are not responsible for the actions of your STBEH. If you keep sending letters, worrying about his relationship with his own family and generally panicking, you are not only going to come across as unhinged but send yourself crazy! Leave your ex-SIL alone. By not replying, she has given you a very clear message, that's she's not interested in your apology or anything else. You can be cordial if you happen to bump into her out and about, but realistically, if you and your husband divorce, you will no longer be seeing her. Your husband will be responsible for maintaining the children's relationship, with his side of the family - not you. The entire town isn't going to be ganging up on you, because your relationship with your ex-SIL is strained! Take a deep breath and let it go.

This woman couldn't have made it clearer she doesn't want anything to do with OP.
Yet she is determind to paint herself a victim and badger her!

She's dint want to just talk to him though did she?
She was disappointed that he stayed out of it (smart man).
She wasn't happy that he didn't challenge his sister on her say so. And now he's done it she's mad it was the wrong time.
If OP had just stopped the drama and left her alone this wouldn't be a problem

When OP wanted STBXH to stick up for her, he wouldn't. Now they're separating and OP wants to build bridges with family who she has to see regularly, STBXH has thwarted that. To be fair, OP sounds like she will be well rid of the lot of them.

I just don’t get it. If you were still together with your ex I’d see why you want things to get better, but you’re splitting up! Once most people split up they expect to have very little to do with their in laws. You’ve apologised for anything you felt responsible for. Seems unlikely you’re going to be best mates any time soon, especially as the divorce is finalised. Just move on.

I agree, talking to friends is normal. And saying drama llama is…. well.

No. It all kicked off in January. Yesterday is just the latest event

Have you always had an obsession with your sister in law?

but you say it’s been civil and fine

fuck her. HONESTLY>if YOU believe she overstepped the mark on a your family issue-she did.
youve nothing really to apologise for(im sorry you didnt mind your business n stirred the pot?)she has repeatedly disregarded YOUR feelings.shes not your friend.you cant control anyone\everyone else.oor their happiness.. .. your dh may have gone too little to late...cant change that-go him stepping up at sister now?? let them paint you however.
cuckoo in the nest-STOP. i get family trauma esp drug involved is a hellish burden and heartache.
worry about your own wee self.fuck them

He didn't ever have to stick up for her! The drama was between the two woman.
A man with a relationship with both who didn't want to take sides and risk his relationships who didn't want to get involved was a smart move.
The OP using it as a stick to beat him with is the issue.

I wouldn't blame him going to his family (his actual family) and staying "yea she's gone crazy" especially when he may see divorce on the horizon.

Because my DH attacked SIL to his parents in January causing HUGE upset in his family (he said that I don't like SIL and left it at that) and then yesterday, more of the same. I have never asked him to, nor wanted him to, do things like this. He is the only person who has gone on the attack...and it comes back to me being the baddie.

There is something quite unsettling about your obsession with this SIL and her forgiving you, despite not thinking you actually have anything to apologise for

and describing yourself as a “broken person” because of it all

and the fact you expected you DH to tell you that he was seeing his family yesterday

and….

I could go on.

But it sounds to me like you need to leave his family well alone before they involve the police