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Original poster

Can anyone chat to me? Desperately lonely.

404 replies

Needalisteningear · 12/10/2024 19:52

I am so lonely. This is going to be long.

My mum passed on xmas day last year. She had cancer and wasn't very old. She didn't die of cancer though, it was medical negligence.
My dad couldn't cope and moved to another country.
My ltr has just ended.
My kids are at their dads.
I have no friends. I've realised that. I have acquaintances from my dc groups. I've never really fit into friend groups. I was and still are, I suppose, hanging onto friend groups.
My past is an embarrassment (not my children) and I am so desperate to be happy that I just allow things that shouldn't happen in a relationship, to happen.
My life is a joke. The only good thing about it is my kids and tonight, I'm really struggling with loneliness.
I have no family left and the people who I have reached out to have finished the conversation after a couple of messages.
I suffer with ptsd and other mental health issues that stem from past relationships.

Is anyone around just to chat. Just so I can stop crying a bit?
Well done if you managed to read this far! And thank you x

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 00:31

SilverDoe · 12/10/2024 21:56

Awhh I'm sorry I didn't get back to you earlier, I hope you did get that takeaway 😊

I am fully mulching out as promised, snuggling down and watching Netflix! I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better, we all need people around us sometimes, and it helps to know people are walking along that road with us x

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No but I am doing tomorrow. I'm going to plan and do your full night from start to finish! It'll give me time to find an audio book and decide on my tea and wash my favourite pjs!

I hope you've had the best night and you're feeling much happier and chilled x

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 00:35

Mummyratbag · 12/10/2024 21:57

We have several versions of the game. None end well.. Youngest thinks the game can only be won with the aquisition of Mayfair and Park Lane.. I'm sure I should be teaching gracious losing or something..but yeah flying houses and lose of temper 😂

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I'm with your son 😂 still end up bankrupt first as nobody lands on it! I'd be a rubbish millionaire!
All those notes too... I have ocd and I hate seeing my dcs turning them over and upside down. It was hard to contain 😬

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 00:36

Onagoldenautumnday · 12/10/2024 22:01

I'm not good at describing things but I enjoyed Ludwig because each episode was solving a murder in a v clever way .
I'm not that keen on David Mitchell but I liked him in this , as someone says ,a better actor than comedian.
And it's not violent, despite being about murder, and it's clever and funny.
You take care lovely.

It is definitely on my watch list! It sounds easy to get into and keeps your mind occupied. Just what I need!
Thank you for writing to me x

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 00:38

RajGamgee · 12/10/2024 22:01

Really sad to read this. You're not alone, if that helps at all to know. I feel very lonely too. But look at how many people have engaged with you.....just goes to show that there are kind people out there. Keep your chin up. Maybe try to think about the things you like and try to pursue them?

It's incredible, it really is! I'm shocked!
I'm sorry you feel lonely, I hope this thread has made you feel less lonely?
People are amazing, including you. Thank you x

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 00:39

Upupandaway10 · 12/10/2024 22:05

Hello!

Hi! Thanks for chatting! How are you x

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 00:51

Mandarinaduck · 12/10/2024 22:40

Sorry, took me a long time to get back to the thread.

Your mum sounds lovely. I am laughing about the fishfingers. They are kind of hard to get wrong :D I like cooking but hate baking, sounds like she was the opposite. She sounds like a very warm person who could joke around and cheer you up with a bit of self-deprecation as well as love and attention. No wonder you feel bereft. I wonder do you take after her? (Well, I hope not, fishfinger-wise). I mean that I'm sure you also fill that space with warmth and love for your own children.

Sorry to hear that you don't have many positives in your life right at this point. It does seem sometimes that 'it never rains but it pours'. I remember when I was at a really low ebb I started a gratitude journal - put three things in there every day - sometimes I was really scraping the bottom of the barrel to find tiny moments of joy - smell of flowers as I walked down the road, a friendly exchange in a shop, etc. It did help lift my mood a bit and turn my focus to whatever small things were positive.

Also just wanted to reply to the part where you say that you don't know who you really are any more. I want to suggest that you do something (or some things) purely for fun. Children get to play with lego, go on playdates, dress up, climb trees, watch cartoons. We adults also need silliness and fun so go do something small but playful. Go on the swings, take an imaginary dog for a walk, take a bus to nowhere, make a photo album of your boring Sunday. Maybe you will discover something about yourself.

Take care xx

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My Nanna made them the same. I still can't understand it. Same as fishcakes. I'm slightly better. I burn them in the oven instead 😜 it must be nice to enjoy cooking, listening to music, tasting food. I find it a chore. Maybe I'm cooking the wrong foods. Something to try!
I used to have the personality of my mum but more my dads at the moment. He was always a bit down and fed up. I do have a temper like my dad although it takes me a bit longer to get fired up. I try and parent my kids in the same way my mum did but with a bit less cotton wool and bubble wrap!
Thanks for the idea of the journal, I try and speak three things that I'm grateful for each day but maybe writing it will make me more accountable and I can see and remember what made me happy that day. I'll order one tomorrow.
One day this week, I am going to go on a bus! There are day riders to a lovely spot where you can hop on and off. What a fantastic idea! I'm going to take a picnic, some headphones and sit at the front.
I am incredibly grateful for you. Thank you x

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 00:56

Dunk19 · 12/10/2024 22:43

@Needalisteningear I do have some support thank you, it's not always easy to talk is it?

Selling sunset is pure trash about a real estate company who sell amazing houses in Hollywood. It's my escapism. I've also just started a degree through work but it's good as a distraction.

Ah yes I forgot how full on kittens are but so joyful too! They soon tire themselves out and collapse in a heap. My cat is 8 now and incredibly lazy, he just moves from one sleep spot to another!

Good, I'm glad. It's hard to talk, I agree. I'm here if you ever want to type anything down. Sometimes I find it easier to type out rather than speak.
Good luck with your degree, I hope you enjoy doing it too!
It sounds good, going to watch it! US houses really interest me, and US streets!
Aw, cats seem lovely at all ages! I can't wait to see what they're like when they're older but I don't want them to get older too 😂 x

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 01:17

StarDolphins · 12/10/2024 22:47

Op, you sound so lovely! Fun & lovely & your children (& pets) are lucky to have you! & you them, no doubt.

One of my friends is a lead clinician in MH & honestly, so many people are feeling like this currently, you’re absolutely not alone. I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful but keep going & try (I know it’s hard when you feel alone) to think of all the wonderful things you do have & that you’re a good person. Take baby steps, enjoy your kids & you never know what’s round the corner. Life is never good, or bad, for long.

Edited

I'm very lucky to have them!
Maybe this thread may help someone else that is just reading. I have been doing that a lot on threads. Sometimes I read something that really makes me think.
I think baby steps are the way to go now, I just look too far ahead and panic that my life from here on out is completely different to what I wanted and expected. It scares me. So I'm going to try and focus on the task in hand and that is all, at the moment that's all I can cope with!
I really appreciate that you have replied to me. Thank you x

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 01:27

Imbluedalale · 12/10/2024 22:56

Hi Needalisteningear.
I feel you , I know exactly how you’re feeling right now . I’m so sorry to hear about your mum . Your story sounds a little similar to mine . And I too like you feel so so lonely right now. I was made homeless last Tuesday and council have put me in a hotel. Had to flee due to DV and ex wanting me out. He’s got the children there and I’m desperately desperately missing them . I also have cancer and am currently paralysed down my right side from cancer treatment. The only people I have seen since Tuesday has been my mental health team and I’m on the verge of collapse I mean literally. I’ve reached rock bottom where I didn’t even know you could sink as low.
I also don’t have any friends and ones I did have have sided with ex as have my family.
I know it feels awful right now and I’m crying writing this to you but please know that you matter. I saw this quote today and want to share it with you …

No one will hit you harder than life itself. It doesn’t matter how hard you hit back. It’s about how much you can take, and keep fighting, how much you can suffer and keep moving forward. That’s how you win.

And remember those you mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind.

And lastly just remember you don’t know how strong you are when being strong is the only choice you have left.

Sending you a warm hug from one bruised heart to another xx

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Oh my goodness me, you've got a lot on.
There is no point me asking if you're ok, I can see you're not. It is awful how things work out. But look at what you've written down to me. Look at what sheer, utter strength you have! You're at your bottom, but that means the only way now to go is up and I am positive you will succeed.

I love the quote that you only know how strong you are when being strong is your only choice.
Look at you! Every single day you're ploughing on, and you can still write those lovely things you did to me.
I'm really grateful you replied, thank you so much x

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 01:32

Binman · 12/10/2024 22:59

I can pee almost standing up I discovered this during long walks in lock down when I went into a bush and sort of half squatted bending over and realised my bladder emptied more 🤔 once my friend said a cyclist was coming and I quickly stood up and kept peeing knees slightly bent. I reckon I could aim at a unrinal albeit backwards 😂

I have refused to play Monopoly for years I always go in a huff.

I would choose to live in my favourite childhood book rather than film, it was the magic faraway tree, I reckon I would have enjoyed a few of their adventures, mostly the tree slide and the popping candy.

There's a lot of grief for you in the last year, have you considered bereavement counselling. All the wise words, memories and resilience that your mum taught you will see you through this 💐

Your reply made me smile, thank you!
Did you not have to really put some effort into concentrating on peeing stood up? It's on my bucket list 🤣
Who on earth invented a game about money 😆
Was that an Enid Blyton book? I vaguely remember it!
I have considered it but feel a bit selfish as people are going through losing people right now. It's horrific.
I wish she was here but I do have everything she taught me, thank you so much x

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 01:36

scatters2004 · 12/10/2024 23:08

Just to say Hi and sorry that you're having a rubbish time.

A lot of us have been there, believe me.

Keep positive.. try and keep yourself busy, pottering about is fine.
Watch something on TV that you like. Get some fresh air too!

Thinking of you, take care x

It truly helps to know people have been through utterly crap times and come out the other side. It makes the tiny light at the end of my tunnel shine that little bit brighter!
Thank you x

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 01:38

XChrome · 12/10/2024 23:15

Just click on the three dots at the top right of the post of the person you want to PM. I'll leave it up to you if you want to talk as I don't wish to be intrusive. No obligation on your part, just if you need support sometime feel free.

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Thank you, I may do. It's so lovely how so many people have helped! X

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Binman · 13/10/2024 06:22

Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 01:32

Your reply made me smile, thank you!
Did you not have to really put some effort into concentrating on peeing stood up? It's on my bucket list 🤣
Who on earth invented a game about money 😆
Was that an Enid Blyton book? I vaguely remember it!
I have considered it but feel a bit selfish as people are going through losing people right now. It's horrific.
I wish she was here but I do have everything she taught me, thank you so much x

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Not a lot of effort, just a tilt away from peeing in the shower I suppose, try it today 😂

Bereavement counselling is definitely not selfish, I reckon you are expecting too much of yourself. I had bereavement counselling 2 years after my mother died as I was having panic attacks.

It's not just your mum your grieving for though, you can grieve when a LTR ends, even if you didn't want the relationship you can grieve for what might have been, plus your dad went abroad.

I may have been lucky but my bereavement counsellor unlocked my grief in a safe place. Don't ever think that your not a priority or deserving.

Littletreefrog · 13/10/2024 07:31

Good morning @Needalisteningear how are you feeling this morning? I had to stop reading last night has had to be up at 6am this morning but seems like you had a lot of people to talk to.

Nannyfannybanny · 13/10/2024 08:05

I can see a "lightening" in your posts, you are very kind, I always think it must be far worse for elderly single folk with no dks. What sort of job did you do? Yes, I think a choir would be great fun. I joined a well known gardening forum online,met some great local people, one turned into a friendship,we met, clicked and chatted for 4 hours as though we had known each other for ever. I was nursing,my lovely DM was suddenly dying in the hospital where I worked! 64, bowel cancer,her GP did nothing,no tests, inspite of the fact her aunt had it,her brother died in his 30s, he was actually a porter in the hospital and died in 48 hours. The following year my ex H tried to kill me, house repossessed by building society (he had already told me the previous year,on getting very drunk I was his only female sexual partner,he only married me as a respectable front for his middle class family) told the hospital where to stick their job. I wasn't on contracted hours,it was Nurse bank then, now temporary workforce. Went back to office work,met second DH, his DF had just died and he was in a messy will issue with his dad's second wife. We became an item,had a baby, his first,at 41,by the skin of my teeth, menopause the following year,that was 35 years ago, celebrated our silver wedding anniversary this year.

Thursdaygirl · 13/10/2024 08:19

Good morning OP!

You should definitely join a choir, my choir is great fun and keeps me busy

Aspecialplaceinhell · 13/10/2024 08:35

Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 00:22

I can't choose.
Movie would be Cinderella in cartoon Disney version.
Book, I would attend Mallory Towers! Their meals sounded lush. And swimming in the bay. Everything!

Another one, if you want to of course.

Are you happy with your hair? If not, what would you change?

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I hate my hair!
It never seems to 'do' anything it's not wavy but not straight and no matter the hair cut and expense I go to fly aways are the bane of my life!
I would love a really beautiful autumnal inspired by pumpkin spiced colour with Kate Middleton's healthy hair!
You?

Mrsredlipstick · 13/10/2024 09:03

Good morning @Needalisteningear
I hope you had a good sleep.
I've already had porridge.
I'm envious of you being so close to the sea. Definitely join a cold water swimming club. One of my friends does it and she is as happy as Larry.
I'm also an ex chorister so I love singing. Find somewhere that you like the feel of. If you can read music they will love you even more!
Im buying a farmhouse in the spring and having chickens. My paternal grandfather was a diary farmer and this is the same but without the cows. Should have good soil though from the cow muck.
Do you garden? If not there might be a gardening collective near year.
You identified three talents yesterday, painting, singing and swimming. Start with those.
Today is a new day. The past is the past and we don't live there.
I bought my DD a t shirt from TK Max, it said 'choose love'. It brought a tear to my eye. It's a good sentiment to live by.

Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 09:56

Sparklyhat · 12/10/2024 23:24

What books do you read OP? Have you ever tried audiobooks? I love them, have one on when cleaning or driving etc

Chic flick types of books. A single mum overcomes the world, that type of thing. I'll try that, it will maybe fill that silence when I can't think or don't fancy music.
Thank you so much!

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Binman · 13/10/2024 09:59

Have you looked to see if you have Rock Choir near where you live? Not too intimate and great fun.

Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 10:11

imfae · 12/10/2024 23:35

Hi Op and all the others going through a tough time FlowersFlowersFlowers.

I am sorry that you are all having a difficult time . It is hard when we are lonely and realise that we don't have lots of friends to call on .
It is difficult going through a separation and also although it is great to have some grown up time without kids, it also is lonely . I have found that after a recent separation that I don't have any single friends and whilst I do have some friends they all have busy lives .

I think it is hard not having a default person and ready made social life , although let's face it we wouldn't be in this position if our relationships had been good .

You sound like such a lovely mum & person Op . I am glad that you have your pets to cuddle and distract you .

I think we all tend to get focussed on all the things that we think we are failing at in life . But instead we should remind ourselves about what we are doing well . Op you have come out of a relationship , have recently lost your mum & have PTSD that is a lot for anyone to deal with . So you and others who are struggling just now , I am in awe that you are able to get by day to day .

You and others sound strong that you are able to look after your kids and animals . You also need to look after yourself too .

I tend to get overwhelmed by all the things that I need to sort out . I will try to focus on one thing , perhaps try and get more exercise and get out walking again .

I also love All Creatures Great & Small and The Durrells is also similar feel good either way the added bonus of the beautiful Greek scenery .

Can you rewatch any comedies that you loved in the past . I rewatched Green Wing and found it as funny as the first time .

I also enjoy listening to music from when I was younger as that makes me think of happy times .Take care .

Hi! How are you feeling? I have read and just want to ask you the question to, after your separation.
I'm struggling with the loneliness, yes. He was my go-to, my rock. Or so I thought. It was very sudden and blindsided me. I'm not sure if yesterday, the shock has started to wear off and teality hit. I'm not sure. I feel very lost and miss him really! Although thinking back, there was a lot to be desired and I'm not sure there wasn't a small bit of maybe gaslighting or manipulation or something. I seem to go for the same type of men and they aren't ones you would like a ltr with, on paper. Deep down, I know that this is the right thing, but trying to convince myself is proving difficult. I'm trying not to dwell but I do have thoughts of 'what if it is me?', because I do have mental health issues and I may be difficult. But in sensible moments, I think that I deserve much better than how I've been treated!
I feel I'm not getting by day by day sometimes, just feel like I'm crying and existing. But I do sometimes have a thought that I was just existing in my relationship too. I don't want to just exist and cry, I want to enjoy myself and love me and love my life. I want to learn how to do this. And I can't help blaming myself for picking really horrible people in my life that seem to weigh me down.
I get overwhelmed easily in day to day life, at the moment I feel constantly overwhelmed and even having a shower seems like too much to handle just now. I must stink!
Thank you so much for chatting to me, it's so kind x

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 10:15

ScrollingLeaves · 13/10/2024 00:05

You said your children mean a lot. Get a pen and some paper and quickly start making a note of every single happy memory you have related to them. Don’t let any other associated memory get on the way. See if you can get 10 tonight.

Go and get a hot drink without caffeine. Go to bed and maybe listen to some music,

Tomorrow write out full descriptions of your 10 happy memories.

You could go to a local church tomorrow for the company all round. You don’t need to believe in anything.

On Monday you could look in at a library and see if there are notices about anything you might like to join.
💐♥️💕

Thank you so much for your post!
I have thought of church, maybe just sitting would help and just being around other people.
I'm going to write out those descriptions today. I'm really going to think hard and do this! There have been so many suggestions and I'm going to try every single one!
Thank you so much for your reply to me x

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Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 10:20

NPET · 13/10/2024 00:12

Sorry to hear that. Looks as if you've had many replies anyway. Not sure what form of "chat" you want but tbh email is gf me. Let me know through here if you still want chatters. Must warn u I'm "only" 20.

Any type of chat is very welcome! And I'm so grateful to you all! Thank you so much for replying! Age means nothing! I'm in my 30s, and haven't got my life sorted in any way, shape or form!
Thank you, so much x

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TriangleSquareFringe · 13/10/2024 10:22

Hope you managed to sleep okay. I bloody fell asleep haha.
It was my birthday and I felt a bit lonely so you actually helped me a lot too @Needalisteningear. I didn't mention that it was as I didn't want to derail or take the focus off how you were feeling. My point being you helped me too! What are your plans for today? I'm off for a walk I think 💐

Original poster
Needalisteningear · 13/10/2024 10:29

Binman · 13/10/2024 06:22

Not a lot of effort, just a tilt away from peeing in the shower I suppose, try it today 😂

Bereavement counselling is definitely not selfish, I reckon you are expecting too much of yourself. I had bereavement counselling 2 years after my mother died as I was having panic attacks.

It's not just your mum your grieving for though, you can grieve when a LTR ends, even if you didn't want the relationship you can grieve for what might have been, plus your dad went abroad.

I may have been lucky but my bereavement counsellor unlocked my grief in a safe place. Don't ever think that your not a priority or deserving.

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Thank you! I may get in touch with them. I did start calling the samaritans yesterday a couple of times but before they answered, I decided that there were people worse than me.
I think my post last night was the first time I've admitted to myself how low and down I really am.
I'm now not sure whether my relationship was a good one. I know in a lot of aspects it wasn't and I've accepted everything because I was so desperate to be happy. It's not the first time this has happened with my partner but I accept everything that shouldn't be acceptable! I think I've been in a constant state of misery for years. I'm not sure how to really get out of it!
I was first cheated on as a teen with my first ever relationship. He ended up committing suicide and also learnt that there was a baby on the way (not mine). I'm not sure if a lot of what I accept has stemmed from that. I was young and although I don't think it affected me much at the time, subconsciously it has really got to me. I will chat about this to my therapist tomorrow.
I'm sorry that you have lost a parent too, it's so difficult. But I'm really glad that you have managed to talk it all out! Thank you so so much! X

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