A minute or so

[Soonerthanlater]

I like autumn. The colours in the trees. There’s no matching it, it’s glorious. I have been passing time, distracting myself from self destructive thoughts. I have lots of meds, I’m taking them as prescribed. I’m invisible though. I’m stuck here on my own in pain, it’s going to take time I’m told. I think it’ll play out again and again, my head’s stuck and I can’t focus. Can you see me?

@DaisysChains thank you. Yes, I get what you’re saying. It’s taken a lot of physical recovery, I guess my brain’s playing catch-up. I was sort of managing, and then went to pieces.

I had a very long, heavy sleep, think I needed it. No nightmares thankfully. The lady who came out today was the one who was here yesterday, she’s nice. She brought some bread and milk. I’m keeping some notes now about what meds I’ve taken, and what I’ve eaten/drunk, etc. I don’t feel like a survivor, although I did survive, maybe, or part of me? We talked a bit about just getting past this crisis point first, before thinking about other stuff. I used to have to be fairly eloquent in my job, I was considerably less so when I was babbling hysterically through the bathroom door yesterday. Not my finest hour.

I find it can be a bit of a relay race - body carries you then falls apart & mind takes over then emotion might take up the baton and back round we go 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

I rather wish the little runner emoticons were running forwards! but guess sometimes one has to go back and carry another if they get stuck!

so glad to hear you slept and have had support today too and some shopping/nourishment

try not to think too much (about anything!) it can be easy to rush or be rushed but if my experience is anything to go by that is counterproductive

keep things as simple as possible ‘chop wood, carry water’ or rather ‘eat, sleep, self-care & repeat’

I use emoticons and alarms for nearly everything meds, food, self-care, cleaning cat litter - all the essentials 😄

hope you get more sleep tonight and take care of yourself 💐

Hi @Soonerthanlater

I'm very pleased to see your update. It sounds like a very good sleep has done you good. I'm glad that you are being well supported. The notes are a good idea, so that you can keep tabs on what you are eating and drinking. Please keep posting. You certainly are very eloquent, much more than me. I often know what I want to say, but the words just wont come.

Hey Lamb
So glad you sound so much better. Why does surgery stop you getting therapy for severe PTSD which is what I think you have. It is a really serious issue and not your fault. Let me know when you can.

What was your job. You sound good at it?

Today’s been bleak, sorry. I think they just meant I’m not ready for therapy, I’m barely here. Definitely some post trauma reaction, and I was working on trying to improve my mobility, my spine’s messed up. I’ve eaten/drunk enough, had a visit from the psych people, and then spent the rest of the day watching the rain from the sofa. I did manage to fill the bird feeders up, which some sparrows appreciated. I had an audiobook on, but no idea what it’s about.

Fed, hydrated, rested : these 3 would be sufficient

you also managed both a visit and a good deed for the birdies

I for one think that’s a bloody good show for someone both traumatised and with mobility issues

pretty confident other posters think so too

💐 get some more sleep and hope you manage all of the top 3 again tomorrow

and consider anything else a bonus

Sorry to hear it’s been a rough day but it sounds like you’ve been taking care of yourself, and the birds too so that’s really good.

I can remember reading a totally obscure and very technical book when I was near my lowest ebb, having absolutely no idea what I was reading or what it meant, but just finding the process of reading the words and sentences soothing and a way of filling my mind with something other than my thoughts. Audio books with a narrator with a nice voice are soothing too.

Hope you get some sleep.

hi @Soonerthanlater ep

How are you today. Well done feeding the birds yesterday, it's more than I achieve on a bad day. The sparrows must have loved that! Keep talking to us.

I’m just so, so frightened all the time.

Oh bless you Sooner, that sounds so hard. Have you been able to talk to the mental health team people about feeling frightened? Is there anything practically which might help? Are you living in a shared house and if so, do you know the other people? Feel free to not answer any questions you don’t want to answer, obviously.

I hear you Sooner and I’m not going to sugarcoat this - there is a lot to be frightened of in this world 😔

if you have had to survive a physical, mental or emotional assault it would be more a sign if madness not to be frightened afterwards I think

my life has been completely changed by reinforcement of past fears and a whole fucking heap of new ones

However

in the midst of that fear I have discovered ways in which I am utterly fearless - surprising myself more than anyone else

you may find surprises there too

initially my focus was on simply getting through each day - and more times than I’d prefer it still has to be - eventually a little space opens up that allows in light and air and change

this process does not have to be forced along or hurried along, we can do things to make conditions better for it (like wrapping that hibernating tree in fleecy stuff to protect it from the cold, or giving it a little splint thing to help support it) but it will happen eventually in it’s own time

while each moment might bring fear or anger or despair the next might bring comfort, joy or hope

living moment by moment may be the best thing for you right now, looking too far ahead might be too much to take in

I cannot tell you how to overcome being frightened when it may be the most normal and expected thing of everything that’s happened - maybe in fact as I type this that last part seems like it might be a key, a foothold - amongst all the madness of abuse, being frightened is a normal and thoroughly expected thing!

aliveness, sanity, realness - all encompassed in one of the most normal human emotions - fear

but it is late here time of day wise and early in your journey recovery wise so maybe none of the above makes sense

maybe just go with the eat, self-care, rest, repeat thing and let that be your focus

(maybe tell your support worker - I had a mixed response in that regard but alarms, lights, safety equipment, changed locks etc where all things I received help with initially)

I can see you
you count and you're important

Thank you for your thoughtful words, I appreciate it.

I agreed to increase one of my meds today, because my nerves are shredded honestly. A creak on the floorboard upstairs has me hyperventilating. I live alone, I don’t think the man that did this to me could find me, I just can’t even think about that, it makes me nauseous. Blocking my bedroom door every night is the only way I can sleep right now though. I walked down to the cemetery and sat under the big tree for a bit earlier, it’s not far. Beautiful but cold. One of the resident squirrels seemed briefly curious about my presence, before carrying on with important squirrel business. Now my back’s seized up, so sitting watching cute animal videos on YT.

I’ve had Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive’ going on a loop in my brain today. Part of my subconscious sending a message? Or taking the piss? I’m not sure I will survive.

Hi @Soonerthanlater

Well done getting out today, it sounds beautiful. I find cemeteries to be such peaceful places. I saw the first signs of autumn here today and thought of you and how you had noticed these first glimpses a few days ago. I love autumn. I hope your back is feeling better and that you feel able to visit your squirrel friend again soon. These moments of peace are very important.

I hope the medicine increase helps.

We’ve had a lovely warm day here, I hope you have.

You will survive. You can take pleasure in small joys in life like creatures and trees. That’s what helped me climb out of the darkest hole I fell in, just for a few moments at a time to start with.

Yesterday was difficult, horrible nightmares set me off. Ended up having a conversation with one of the psych team through the kitchen window, I just couldn’t let them in. I increased my meds as agreed, and had to make a couple of promises to stop things escalating. She said they would have to call the police if I didn’t let them in today - thankfully it was 2 women who came and I managed to open the door and let them in. I need to order some food from Tesco, but I’m scared cos I know it’ll be a bloke delivering, and I’ll probably go to pieces. I feel completely ridiculous.

You are not ridiculous at all! Can someone be there with you when the shopping is delivered?

it’s not ridiculous, it took me a long time to build up to interacting and you are still in the immediate aftermath

can you ask the support workers to commit to an hour visiting so that you can schedule a delivery then?

if their visits are shorter than an hour then arrange a deliveroo/just eat grocery delivery as those can be scheduled for specific times and tracked

if it has to be done while you are alone and no one is available to be with you then the deliveroo-type option means you are only worrying at the time and not for a full hour on tenterhooks

think about what might make you feel safer - for me loads of layers 😂 I know that looks and sounds perfectly ridiculous but it isn’t ridiculous in itself - it allows me to get through the delivery feeling ok bc I’m fully wrapped up

(in my head it is related to a comedian hearing a noise home alone and she had no weapons to hand - her solution was to put on as many clothes as possible to make it harder for someone to attack her - I thought that was kind of genius and in a practical sense true, warm and would give time to shout to neighbours for help - idgaf that I look like the michelin man meantime)

you might have a different thing that makes you feel safe - camera doorbell, phone on record, phoning a friend/pretending to and saying within earshot of delivery person ‘hang on just going to grab delivery in’ so you have/seem to have someone listening in on the interaction

I never let them into house, they place boxes on doorstep and I have big ikea type bag I throw small bits into and unload rest into hall to minimise time they are there

I had thought click and collect would be less stressful but only did it once and it wasn’t great - quite busy - maybe very first thing in the morning might be better? (I haven’t been ready to try again yet)

above all be patient, you are on high high alert rn, it will take time before your alarm system starts to recalibrate, it might take awhile, things might trigger it back up occasionally but it will ease back so you can access more bits of life

it sounds like you are doing what you can, I hope some of the above helps a bit

@DaisysChains I’m so sorry you’ve had to cope with something like this. It’s survival mode on a permanent basis, my alarm system is definitely on high alert, I feel like I don’t even remember what life was like before. I know my life wasn’t amazing, but now I think I will need to grieve because I will never be that person again. I swear I have turbocharged hearing, like I could hear a spider fart three doors down.

The med increase seems to have dulled my nervous system a little bit, I’ve had some semi-decent sleep, no nightmares in a couple of days. Just clinging on for dear life really.

💐 thank you

it’s awful for anyone who has been hurt by male violence and I agree that it is akin to murdering who we were before

(and why I think that is the level of punishment it should have)

it’s probably why we wonder if we have actually passed and this is purgatory

staying away from the news helps because lets face it we could read end of days signs into near all of it (Trump/Covid/wars I mean jfc I’m surprised more people don’t wonder if a nuclear bomb had sent us all to a collective purgatory quite a while ago!)

you are 100% right imo that grieving is part of the process of healing, releasing the ‘what could have beens’

grounding techniques are valuable so we can remind ourselves that, although the life we knew before was taken from us,

they could not take the soul core of us

meds help dull the sharpness of the pain to levels that allow us to be able to learn to ground ourselves, to open a small space to start to think about who that core being that survived is

and it might be surprising - or not - to get to know the core elements of ourselves that persist

it is certainly a challenge to build a new life but not one that needs to be taken on right away

just survive right now, that is enough effort

each moment of rest, of sleep, each morsel of food, each glancing sight of a squirrel, each kind word or deed from others - they all will help you through immediate survival - even that spider farting three doors down is reminding you your hearing still works 😉

the next step will be there when you are ready - you do not have to rush to it

💐