To love one child and not the other

[Oneforsorrowtoobad]

And of course it’s fucking unreasonable. Of course it is.

But I am honestly not wanting to feel like this and I hate it. Am I alone?

Thanks yes the garden is a godsend in spring and summer. I am just conscious he potters about on his own playing then but I feel I should do more WITH him iyswim.

Honestly, 3 year olds do this weird playing alongside thing anyway. They like having someone there ´playing’ even if there isn’t much actual interaction happening. So being in the room/garden vaguely doing the same activity plus feeding/holding the baby counts for something in your 3year old’s mind.
Reading stories every night is fantastic. It’s a good, positive interaction and attention and it’s predictable and dependable. Also really good for language development!

That makes me feel better, we always read stories every night and have since he was little. But even that can be fraught lately with him being silly, refusing to choose a story, messing about.

The way he is acting is normal. The way you feel isn't. You just need to get some help and support.

Agree with this

You keep walking back the shocking statements. So you do actually love him? You don't "quite enjoy" it when he gets hurt? Are you revising these statements because you don't like the responses you've received?

If you just find some silly behaviour a bit annoying, that's normal. If you truly do not love your child and take pleasure in his pain, then it's very, very far from normal.

In any case, you chose to start this thread so I assume you think something is wrong in the relationship with your child. You can absolutely turn things around but it will take effort on your part. Working on your attachment with a good therapist can help. But it would have to be a good therapist with experience in attachment, not just anyone who hangs out their shingle.

Also, your son 100% knows how you feel about him. Anyone who claims that their child is blissfully unaware about a parent's feelings is kidding themselves. Children always, always know. He is probably too young to articulate that yet but he still understands it at the deepest level of his being. And it will damage him if you don't make changes.

I think it's probably as little as 'one is much easier than the other' right now. You might find though that at 3 the youngest drives you mad too! I think you have a lot on your plate with a pain condition and two young kids. For the older one I'd really recommend getting out and burning off some of his energy as much as you can, a lot of his bad behaviour is probably from boredom and having too much energy.

I also think you need to embrace your inner silliness a little bit OP! Did you grow up in a very serious or strict household I wonder? March round the play park chanting 'we're going on a bear hunt, we're gonna catch a big one....' Pretend you're a pirate with a kitchen roll tube for a telescope and call your kids 'me hearty's' while only answering to the name mummy black beard. Just make up any old absolutely crazy shit and I bet your three year old will love it. You just got to go with the silliness and craziness of preschoolers - the sillier and crazier the better!

If mine refuse to listen to a bedtime story sometimes I can fall back on a picture book or just looking at pictures in the story book.

Sometimes you have to voice the darkest thoughts and the deepest fears in order to process them and gain perspective. That's what OP is doing. Not "walking back" because of negative responses, which she's already said she was fully expecting.

I think what the OP might have been trying to articulate was that when she's told the 3 year old 100 million times not to do something and he still does it again and he falls over or whatever then she thinks 'Oh FGS it serves you right for not listening to me any of the previous 100 million times.' I think probably most peoples preschoolers have driven them to that at some point.

I really agree with @CaptainCarrot - I'd look at attachment for yourself as well as your DS. It's shit. I'm another one who doesn't want to pry but if I'm reading the subtext right I totally get why you might be struggling with a boy for the same reasons I struggled but I don't want to 'out' you if you aren't comfortable.

I also had a pain condition which also made me struggle with patience. I read 'The body keeps the score' and did a MSc in psychology to try help myself . I hope you are okay OP, there are people on here who won't get it at all but if I'm barking up the right tree it's complex and hard to relate to DC when you have a particular set of circumstances.

I’m a GP and would really happily see a patient who found herself in this position and try to help untangle it and find a way forward whether that’s treating depression if they’re depressed, accessing more help from health visitor etc, or just identifying some coping strategies. I absolutely would not think they were a witch or a bad person - I’d respect them for being honest and seeking help. So please do book an appointment, probably worth asking for a double.

Thank you.

@CaptainCarrot irritation combined with pain and lack of sleep can really, really feel like dislike.

When I post, I think, I process. In the moment, I’m so so annoyed and it feels almost like hate. When I post I think and clarify my own thoughts.

I don’t know who you think I am @Rangelife bur I don’t think I am whoever you think!

Yes

Thank you - this is so helpful.

i can explain a bit more now.

it was 2020 when I had dc1, the first lockdown happened and I was pregnant and tired and not working due to the lockdown. I slept loads. It was great 😂 I was probably getting fourteen hours at one point. My theory is my body got used to that and to lazy mornings and early nights and afternoon naps.

I had him and it was like being hit by a train. It was winter and dark and cold and muddy and he wouldn’t sleep and I didn’t sleep and I cried and was anxious and it was all wrong.

When I had dc2, I’d had to work throughout. I also had a toddler to care for so no long naps or lazy mornings. So having her wasn’t such a shock. It was midsummer and no lockdowns. Still hard, newborns are hard but it felt like a hard we were in together rather than hard caused by her if that makes sense.

I want to have a loving and positive relationship with my children. I want them to be in trouble and immediately think ‘I’ll ring my mum.’ I want them to love and respect one another, and know they are enough. I always thought I could do this. I did not know how challenging two and three year olds are, how little they listen and how little they care!

@Oneforsorrowtoobad no sorry, I didn't mean I know you. I just meant I'm guessing why you feel this way but I'm probably off the mark. I didn't mean to out you as in identity I meant in terms of your past experiences. Sorry for writing it wonky!

I didn’t think you were, just a bit confused …

Re boys and girls I can honestly hand on heart say I feel blessed to have one of each. That’s not to say I wouldn’t feel blessed to have two boys or two girls! If I am honest I think if I had two boys I’d feel a longing for a daughter, but I think a lot of women feel this and it isn’t a reflection on their sons it’s just a feeling. I can also say with absolute sincerity that if I got pregnant again I would be horified not care one jot if it was a boy or girl. So I really don’t think it’s because the little one is a girl.

Your lucky you're female , Op. People will support you enjoying your Toddler being hurt because you're a woman . It's disgusting the way you speak about your own child. A man would be crucified by all the apologists on for saying the same thing. It's not ok Op just because you are a woman. No excuses..

Two and three year olds are little balls of egomaniacal energy. They love their parents or primary caregivers so much but it can feel transactional sometimes because they need you for everything. They’re not born with empathy, they have to develop it. And they have very little understanding of time. Routine helps because they get used to the idea that this happens, then that happens, then we go to sleep and get up and do it all again. But you can’t ask them to be patient for 5 minutes cause they have absolutely no idea how long 5 minutes is. A three year old can definitely be taught to understand ´not now, later’ but it’s a process. It takes a while for them to differentiate between ´later’ and ´never’. Some toddlers are calmer but some just want to climb all over you like puppies or wolf cubs do and it’s very hard to keep your cool with that when it’s causing you pain (PMS boobs plus boisterous oblivious 3yr is a bad combo) or you’re holding something fragile like a baby sister or dangerous like a cup of tea.

For fuck’s sake. Have you no reading comprehension skills? The fact OP wrote her post in the first place shows she cares. If she didn’t care about her son it wouldn’t occur to her that there could be an issue and that it could get worse if she doesn’t find ways to reduce her frustration at her son’s more difficult behaviors. She also wrote very clearly that she does not want to feel like this and that she is worried about it having an impact on her child. Have you never had emotions your were scared of or ashamed of? Never had an intrusive thought? You know that thoughts and emotions don’t really count, right? Actions do. Getting cross and feeling like you want to hit people isn’t assault unless you actually do it. Having a fleeting thought of throwing yourself off off a high bridge as you walk over it doesn’t mean you’re suicidal. The occasional flash of schadenfreude doesn’t make you a sadist.

Plenty, thanks. We're not talking about my emotions snd feelings but Op's. Her early comments about enjoying it when her toddler gets hurt, were shocking. Granted, in later posts she attempted to back pedal and downplay it, saying if toddler fell she would comfort them etc. A 3 year old has bee om earth such short time and is learning from parents all the time. It doesn't deserve to be laughed at, even inwardly, when hurt. Op also said she think the child knows how she feels towards him. How would a 3 year go know that unless she was physically and verbally treating him differently to her golden child?

I have never laughed at him. I don’t find it funny at all when he’s hurt but I have felt that it serves him right and soothes some irritation I have felt.

That isn’t back pedalling, that’s my feelings.

@Bbq1 the thing is, I posted here for help. If you genuinely cared about DS you would be trying to help me.

I frequently dislike him and when he hurts himself quite enjoy it which is awful to admit.

This is what people are basing that on OP, quite enjoying it sounds pretty unpleasant. Maybe you worded it badly? Especially as you said you think he can tell that you feel that way.