To love one child and not the other

[Oneforsorrowtoobad]

And of course it’s fucking unreasonable. Of course it is.

But I am honestly not wanting to feel like this and I hate it. Am I alone?

Is your second child a girl by any chance or another little boy?

Girl. Is it a sex thing? I don’t know. I suspect it may partly be a contributing factor but not in the way people might think. She’s a baby at the moment, she might be super girly or a complete tomboy, I don’t know. I think it’s more for her I know what to expect from babies and some other boring stuff I won’t go into detail about.

Please get help. I am the step-mother to two DC (now adults) whose mother didn't like the elder and really loved the younger one. Both have grown up with mental health issues - the loved one as well and the unloved one. The older one died young, and her sister lives with a guilt that isn't hers, but that she can't stop feeling.

This is so kind and helpful. Thank you.

I actually do understand how you feel, and have experienced this when my second was born. Same / similar age gap.

My first was a very difficult traumatic birth and a difficult baby / toddler. With second I had a lovely pregnancy, birth was smooth and v easy baby.

Honestly, looking back I was projecting a lot of the sadness around my pregnancies and births into 1st as well as just the fact she was an annoying 3 year old who acting irrationally and taking time away from new born.

She is now 4 - so we are 18 months on from this and I've had some counselling to help deal with the birth of my 1st. I'm really trying to develop a closer bond with her, I definitely didn't bond with her at birth probably because of the NICU stay. I'm also trying to be more present with her and feel loved and gradually it's working. I keep reminding myself none of this is her fault, it's for me to deal with.

2/3/4 are also often hard ages which makes it harder, plus if you are in pain a lot im sure that doesn't help your patience levels!

Give yourself some grace, deep down I'm sure it's not really the case you actually don't like your child. But it might be worth some reflection to consider why you feel this way and how you can improve things.

I had a feeling she would be a girl. Please, please get help. Your little boy will feel so pushed out. He might not understand things properly yet but he will feel your lack of love for him.

I felt like this with my dd… she’s 2 now and the light of my life and I love the very bones of her.

i am echoing others… you need professional help from a therapist and maybe also some kind of specialist who helps with parenting/family dynamics.

“Enjoying” it when something bad happens to a stranger is a bit off…but
“enjoying” it when a 3 yr old injures themselves indicates something is seriously awry.

Btw…the other thread people are referring to is the one where a woman was posting about her 3 yr old son who she throughly hated and resented and asked for ways to improve the relationship… but wasn’t up for ANY suggestions others offered…

Oh also - i remember messaging my mums whatsapp group saying something similar to what you have said. Two left the group 😳

I just needed someone to promise me I would get through it, and I am promising you now, things will get better.

I’m honestly not a witch and it isn’t good girl bad boy.

I suspect if no1 was a girl and no2 a boy but same personalities I’d feel the same.

I think maybe don't panic too much, and accept your feelings without beating yourself up. I think the important thing is what you do, not what you feel.

You're doing your best (I assume) to parent both kids well and show them love. If this is true then I'm not sure it matters too much if you're not always feeling it!

Some kids can just be quite annoying, also some stages can be quite annoying, also everyone seems annoying when you've had no sleep.

When you said about DC mucking around and finally (slightly) hurting themselves, I think we've all internally shouted "I told you so".

In short I wouldn't overly worry but just continue to be aware of your feelings so you can remind yourself to still show love to your DC even when they are winding you up!

The stage you're at with a baby and toddler is brutal, I've blanked a lot of it out to be honest.
I think you need help with your mental health and relationship with the older one but there is the potential for this to get better as they both get older and hopefully less demanding.

Not at all. It was a polite suggestion, to try to make sure the thread didn't end up a complete mess. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Like I say with the enjoy it it’s more a ‘well that serves you right for not listening’ than actually enjoying random injuries. He isn’t unwell or in pain often but it does upset me when he is. But when he’s being stupid and hurts himself… a mean part of me is glad. Often because (thinking about it) it is that which snaps him out of his stupid mood.

I also think when you have a second baby the 3 year old suddenly seems massive and annoying and clumsy, and you can find yourself favouring the baby. It's probably nature's way of protecting the baby. I think you just need to keep reminding yourself to be kind to the 3 year old even when you're not feeling it.

3 is a very difficult age. It's also true that adjusting to parenthood is harder with your first whereas you may be more chilled with subsequent children.
I know its easier said than done but try to identify your feelings without turning on yourself with guilt. If you make yourself feel too bad about your relationship with him it will actually make it worse as you'll feel guilt and pain any time you interact with him.. which obviously will make it even harder to interact with him.
I think this is about accepting that your relationships with any children you have will be different. As they are different people, they arrive at different times in your life, and they themselves will change many times as they grow so naturally your relationship to them will change..
What I'm basically saying is do not carastrophise and understand its OK not to feel totally head over heels with your child all the time.. it's OK to feel annoyed and tense.. that dies NOT mean you do not love them. Like I said, 3 is a difficult age and often you'll feel a lot more tense about your first child. I guarantee you that things will improve as he gets older.
But please don't go down a guilt spiral and convince yourself your relationship with him is damaged beyond repair.
As long as you go through the motions and you are fair to him, treat him equally to his sibling and give him attention.. you can feel differently towards him than you do to his sibling inside. It won't always be that way.
I speak from experience. I had horrific pnd with my eldest son. It really effected my relationship with him when he was a small child sadly. I wouldn't even hold him when he was born. I had a brief spell of post partum psychosis where I was convinced he wasn't mine.
In comparison to my daughters who I was instantly besotted with the moment they came out of me...
My son is nearly 9 now and he is the sweetest boy. I have a great relationship with him now. I grew to love him as he grew and I got to know him. It's very sad it didn't happen instantly like with my subsequent children when I did not suffer with pnd.. but I try not to dwell on that. I was still a good mother despite how I was feeling inside towards him at the time. I did my best to care for him. And now I'm so grateful to have such a lovely son. It doesn't always play out like you think it will.. please don't despair or get too down on yourself. Keep being a good mother to him, don't catastrophise, let the relationship between you grow. He won't always be 3. Your relationship will change and grow.

Anecdotally I'd say a lot of parents have that serve you right feeling, even those with generally positive relationships with their toddlers.

Listen, lockdown with a baby was fucking awful. I just managed to get to the end of mat leave before it all kicked off, and it was hard enough with a 1 year old who had at least started waking up "only" once a night, let alone a newborn. I have a few friends who hold a lot of resentment about how shit it was, both giving birth and being a new mum when the bottom had dropped out of support systems. I think there must be a lot of mums of 3 and 4 year olds with mixed feelings about the experience the timing of those pregnancies brought.

It would be worth talking to someone non-judgemental. DS is 5 now and incredibly perceptive when it comes to mine and DH's feelings.

Consciously maybe not, you only have to search on here for threads about women desperate for a girl...or threads about how awful boys are and how rough they are, or threads about how terrible young men are.
You have alluded to your past and I am not going to dig for information but please don't let your little boy suffer from someone else's wrong doing.

I am doing my best @DisappearingGirl but it doesn’t feel enough.

So things I do well

i Take them out, we go to parks, farms, groups, events, we do have fun and I genuinely enjoy it and then.

I praise, I say well done, you’re really good at X, you were really kind to that little boy when you gave him the toy, you’re so clever knowing all your numbers, you’re so helpful getting that for me, what would I do without you!?

I cook healthy meals and diet is important to me.

but I am not great at individual time in the house, jigsaws and drawing and stuff

i have no patience for a lot of the really silly behaviour, I know it’s normal but it irritates the shit out of me, it really does

it’s hard for me to spend one to one time with dc1. This will change but right now it is hard. I do bedtime stories for him and a swimming lesson, that’s it really.

and I know I’m short tempered and don’t give him enough attention and the deftness is a reaction to this.

You sound normal to me!!

This is so kind. I just remember feeling so tired and so sad and so resentful. He didn’t sleep well and I was just so, so tired.

lol omg thank you 😂😂

It’s fair to say I wanted a girl but it was for superficial sort of reasons. I know MN will kill me but I do enjoy buying pink outfits. And I also know there’s a time limit to this so I’m enjoying it while I can 😂

but I do love them, I’ve realised while I type I love them both. But one is a lot easier to like

Have you got a garden? Jigsaws are definitely a solo activity in my book anyway. If you have a garden can you get a sandpit or toy kitchen or something so that you can wrap up your toddler and then sit and feed baby/nurse a coffee and tune out for a bit? When it’s a bit warmer a water table type thing can be great too. Toy kitchen stuff works well for a lot of kids because it’s easy for adults to role play without needing a lot of thought. Can you make me a pretend coffee? Oh non! You forgot the sugar! What about soup? Can you make us some pretend soup? It’s a bit like throwing a ball for a puppy. They keep coming back and you keep sending them off on their next mission.

It may well reverse. When my DC was three, it was hell on earth trying to manage his behaviour, as he had developmental challenges. He was very cheerful and lovable in personality but it was hard to always feel positive towards him. Even experienced daycare staff and teachers found his behaviour challenging in those early years.
In his teens though, he is the relatively easy, companionable and straightforward child who is a delight to be with whereas it’s my daughter that is now more “hard work” in the stereotypical teenage girl kind of way. I find I have to put in extra effort with her.

It might be worth getting counselling so you can reinforce a positive long term relationship. If you set aside regular one on one time with your son, you will both survive the negative moments. In the case of my son, we often went on walks together and spent time in the playground. He still remembers those days, including a funny story when a magpie attacked us as we were walking to his pre-school.