To love one child and not the other

[Oneforsorrowtoobad]

And of course it’s fucking unreasonable. Of course it is.

But I am honestly not wanting to feel like this and I hate it. Am I alone?

I found his babyhood challenging which was 100% on me not him. I was angry a lot and tense a lot and felt like a failure a lot. But it wasn’t him (of course, he was a baby!)

I think this is more normal than people talk about with this kind of age gap. Your hormones are telling you to be all encompassing with your new baby so it can be hard for other child to get a look in.

It’s never too late to bond with your eldest. Remember adoptive families often don’t even meet their kids until they are 3, or 4, or 5, and they adore their children as much as anyone.

I know a few people who at this age have felt differently about their kids and all have moved past it as kids have got older x

A mother thinking this way about her 3 year old is still not normal as in serves you right. You do need to seek help. I think you know that.

You enjoy it when* *he hurts himself? Do you mean you enjoy it or are you ambivalent or not that fussed?
If you really genuinely enjoy it you need serious help right now. Go to the GP and tell them exactly what you have said here, this is no way for a 3 year old to live.
Do you have a husband/partner with you now, you probably shouldn't be spending much time alone with your child as I don't think you could be trusted to react appropriately in an emergency.

OP I have been there. I hated my 3 year old when DC2 was born. I did some awful things that will haunt me for ever. My children are adults now and I love both of them and we get on well.

My DC1 was very difficult and I hated them. In hindsight I was possibly reenacting my own childhood. My mum hated my baby sister.

i am guessing there is no one you can confide in, your DH hasn’t noticed and your mother is a judgy cow.

Please I beg you go to your HV or a GP. They will support you. I was terrified my kids would be taken away. Don’t be me, wracked by guilt 25 years down the line.

If you've struggled to bond with ds1 from the beginning, then having ds2 and feeling completely differently about him will exacerbate your guilt and anxiety and make it even harder to relate to ds1. Was ds1 a traumatic birth or a very difficult baby?

I do think some outside support is needed. Feeling pleasure when he hurts himself suggests that you are very angry and resentful, probably because you feel rejected by him and disappointed that you don't feel what you want to feel for him. There's a lot to unpick and I think most people would need someone objective to help them do that. You do sound very flat and depressed (unsurprisingly!) so I suggest a chat with your gp to try and arrange therapy, and possibly antidepressants to help you cope in the short term. This can and does get better.

I suspect maybe an element of postpartum here??

@MyLemonBee i M really hoping that’s the case.

I genuinely am not a witch and if he is running and falls I hug him and comfort him and reassure him and genuinely am compassionate.

But when he’s been behaving just ridiculously and ignoring all attempts to get him to stop and it ends in tears (as my own mum would have said!) I feel a bit of ‘good, serves you right.’ Depending on the circumstances I sometimes do feel bad as well. But there is this ‘ha well that serves you right’ sort of feeling there too.

Jeeze she obviously has PND. Give over.

This post is so brave and compassionate THANK YOU, you have given me hope.

Yes I have a few times thought the same with my eldest but she is older. I don't think it is unusual.

If she has PND and hasn't bothered to try and sort it out or bond with her child in 3 years then I genuinely have no sympathy? All 3 year olds can be irritating and pnd or not, to say you're pleased when they get hurt is psycho behaviour

Might be worth reading up a bit on how toddler brains work. The not listening is annoying but not unusual. If you have some knowledge of why he’s behaving in an annoying toddler way and some effective strategies to deal with it you will likely feel less frustrated by him.
It’s definitely a fake it till you make it type situation. Force yourself to pay him lots of positive attention whenever you can. Delegate some of the new baby care to your partner or family to facilitate this if you need to.
Find the situations where you feel more calm and in control with him and can feel happier and more loving and try to do those things regularly. Set ups where he can be physically active but stay safe with less physical impact on you might help. This is why soft play exists for example. And parks with fences and gates. Rope in extra help from your partner or family as often as possible if it helps - maybe it helps to have dad there too at the park with the balance bike out if you normally worry you won’t be able to chase him fast enough for example.
The positive interactions will help enormously. He will show you love and you feel it back.

So rather than pages of questions we should be just really referring for support.

So far we have

Gp
Health visitor.
Early help.

All of these places can help. Do you know your health visitor? They are honestly well placed to help as are early help. (clue in the name)

Another agency is Home Start who can provide weekly support but this is a volunteer and not a substitute for actual help. Please see someone.

Please OP it won’t last forever but in the meantime you are doing harm. I wish I had got help. Just say you think you have PND. It’s more common than you realise.

I think it was a combination of unrealistic expectations (whoever said all newborns need are cuddles and milk is wrong) and loneliness as he was born in lockdown, it was rough. But yes the feelings I have for no2 are so powerful and protective, normal

Should say she was a very difficult toddler and her birth was difficult.

You're really not a witch. Everyone has feelings they aren't proud of, especially when they are depressed. I wish people wouldn't dogpile posters who admit to unpalatable things when trying to seek help. It's the opposite of helpful.

Agree. It will get better op but you need professional help x

You were rude first! If you weren't happy with the original OP then just move on. She's clearly struggling ffs.

She might not have been aware she has had it. Glad you are perfect though.

Thanks. I do try to do nice things with him to give me opportunities to praised him and it sort of works , like I say I honestly am not a monster. Not really anyway. But there are times when we have to just get on with stuff and that’s when I end up feeling so angry with him.

Are we talking tiny baby? Because I remember bringing this tiny baby home and feeling like I needed to protect him from my (very challenging) 3 year old. Still love him now but found those first weeks absolutely awful. I just assumed it was normal!