To love one child and not the other

[Oneforsorrowtoobad]

And of course it’s fucking unreasonable. Of course it is.

But I am honestly not wanting to feel like this and I hate it. Am I alone?

OP has come here for help. I'm not sure how you think your post will be a positive influence.
She has also clarified the specific situation when she feels that way. It's not generalised or sadistic

Look i don’t know you. Maybe you have depression, if you don’t think you do, I tend to believe you are the best judge of this.

I didn't much like my eldest at 3. He was an insane mess of tantrums and savage jealousy about his baby brother. I used to have to breastfeed standing up with him attacking and biting my legs as it would make him so furious. Basically he was an a**hole, and no, i didn’t like him very much a lot of the time, hanging out with him was awful.

you know what though, he’s the best 7 year old in the world. Him and his brother adore each other. I love every second i spend with them.

It will be ok x

I apologise if I misjudged OP. There are a lot of similarities.

Regardless, my advice is the same: what you’re feeling is not you, it is PND, and you owe it to your children and to yourself to ask for help. You will get it and it will work.

And please ignore the cruel messages on here. People who haven’t been there can’t imagine it and have no idea how you’re feeling.

It’s not pyscho behavior. It’s honesty from someone at the end of their tether who’s scared by their feelings. Everyone loses their cool sometimes when toddlers push and push and push at boundaries, but how you deal with those feelings matters. OP is getting enormously frustrated because her child doesn’t listen to important instructions/warnings. And then when the natural consequence of the behavior happens, she’s feeling relief and hoping he’s going to understand why she was telling him no. It’s not pretty but it’s not pyschotic.

I actually don't think you need Early Help, the GP, social care or a HV. I don't think it's your parenting capacity as you parent your second child well don't you?

I think there's something in the way you relate to your first child - it could be the birth, or it could be your childhood. I'd get psychotherapy for yourself. Systemic family therapy would be very useful for you too. You don't need to strengthen your parenting capacity, you need to look inwards and fix the stuckness you are feeling with relating to DS1.

How is pointing out that its horrible to enjoy it when your child is hurt suggesting that I'm a perfect parent? That's not the case at all!

I think it's very brave of you to come on here and look for help. You didn't choose to feel this way, and you know something is wrong. Perhaps undiagnosed pnd, I don't know.

But it's not too late to fix it. But you need to seek help, and don't let anyone fob you off. Keep looking for help until find something that works.

If it makes you feel better, I've had periods of feeling disconnected from dc at different times, and being irrationally annoyed sometimes just by their presence.

It was time's when one or both of us were dealing with a lot, I was stressed, DC acting out. It was because our communication was pretty crap at the time. Got DC into play therapy, myself onto therapy. Made time for just the two of us. Took some work but we have such a strong relationship now.

The fact that you are worried about this and looking for help shows what a great mother you are. You're doing your best in a tough situation.

This reminds me of Ashley James on Instagram - she seems to have similar feelings towards her son whereas her daughter is a clear favourite.

It’s obviously more common than one would care to admit; but it doesn’t make it normal or ok. It’s damaging for both your oldest and youngest and will destroy their relationship too.

I assume it’s about ones own mental health issues and/or upbringing rather than you being a bad person.

You do owe it to your kids to go get some therapy, intensively and quickly.

And honestly I knew I’d get harsh posts but it’s helping, many of you are helping.

Some relevant info is

I have a chronic pain condition which both children are massively exacerbating , not their fault but while a baby can’t help having to be carried it’s harder not to feel angry with a toddler hurting you.

What else? Baby is not well. I’m being patient and kind but sleep is hard, really hard.

He isn’t a ‘bad’ child but oh man so bloody annoying. And I know I know, they are, they all are, but when you’re in pain and haven’t slept it’s SO HARD.

Your poor dc, it will impact them

I know you are looking for help which is good

I hope you can turn it around

All the people saying, it's totally normal - No, It is far from normal to "enjoy" (her words) your 3 year old hurting himself. Makes me feel sick.

I mean not my own children but dhs nephews and frankly one I hate and one I tolerate.

Just as all people in our lives they have different personalities and such. As much as it may be taboo. There is nothing ultimately wrong in disliking a person. Although it being your own infant children is something that should be tried to be worked on.

I agree I don’t think I need those things. I do think there’s a lot going on within me and I do have self awareness and can see where it’s coming from.

You definitely need to go and speak to your GP @Oneforsorrowtoobad

Im so sorry you’re feeling this way, it must be awful. Please go and get some help. X

Angry at his behaviour I get, but why do you enjoy it when he hurts himself? That’s not normal, have you discussed it with anyone in real life to try and work out what that’s about?

Why?

Reported? To whom? The mumsnet social services team? You’re ridiculous.

Three year olds can be dickheads. And when they repeatedly do something they’re told not to do, and then hurt themselves, thinking “serves you right” really isn’t an abomination. It’s normal. It’s actually so normal that several comedians have made I stand up routines out of that material… waiting for their kid to finally hurt themselves after being told to stop, or being annoyed when the kid doesn’t hurt themselves free you said “you’ll hurt yourself if you don’t stop.” It’s actually very normal parenting, we all feel a bit of “told you so” whilst helping them up and fixing them and giving them a hug. Grow up.

The GP, HV or Early Help can be gateways to therapy for mum though.

The oldest nephew is a shit. He will
hit and kick and punch as a way to play and finds it funny. Till it’s not for him. Which I could see as totally a step too far for you. As it is for me and as such I will not engage which that child at all.

Is your 3yr old in nursery? Can you put him at least a few hours a week if he’s not?
What you’re aiming for is to reduce the proportion of negative interactions and increase the proportion of positive interactions. If someone else can do/supervise some of the rough and tumble play that should help.

Ok I’m going to say something controversial now. I think we’re really quick to medicalise women for feeling pretty normal feelings.

With newborns some women respond really hard to getting no sleep for months (it’s torture after all) and whacked on antidepressants when actually it’s a pretty normal response to feeling terrible and exhausted and having to give give give to a little being who is often not very grateful.

Equally some toddlers are just mega hard work. Some are sweet little angels who do finger painting and toddle around saying ‘i love you mummy’, others are violent little savages who smash everything in sight, won’t sit still and have tantrums constantly. If your kid is the latter (as my, now adorable son was), believe me, you don’t need to be mentally ill to find their company unbearable.