I did something disgusting and terrible last night during a bad mental breakdown. What next

[ascummyperson]

I need help I know I do.

I’ve been through trauma throughout my life mainly relating to my family but other things too. I went through a particularly traumatic series of events about 3 years ago that my DH had to go through too and since then my family have never let me get over it by constantly triggering me and bringing it up which causes me to have crying fits and panic attacks. There has been a few periods of peace including recently but over a party I had with the people my family hate they’ve started again this week and I’m 9 months pregnant.

this baby is a much wanted and planned for which makes what I did so so much more worse. I have been excited for this baby but have massively struggled with my mental health which I should have got under control when they started to get a hold of me again. I’ve had problems with several different areas in my life. I have had so many anxieties about situations and possible situations that have made it so so hard at times to feel true joy for my new baby. I’ve swayed so much from being happy to pure dread.

my family are controlling and think I’m their property because I’m special needs. They go through periods of mainly leaving me to it with somewhat peace to piling on the pressure and making me just be ok with what they want e.g. not allowed to do this in my own house. I thought when I got married it would all stop and they’d start treating me like a proper adult who can make decisions for herself but nope once that bad event that triggered a series of bad events happened 3 years ago I wasn’t allowed to move on and when I tried to they would bring it up and traumatise me.

this week has been really really hard. On top of my emotions being all over the place and my mood being a mess, ive had 3 family members start on me since Monday and that was about the party and making me feel inferior and less than. Tuesday was about my baby’s room and that family member not allowing me choice in what I can have in that room and shouting at me that it needs gutted out for furniture to go in it and not letting me get rid of certain things. I was told to fuck up deal with it and stop living like a tramp (parts of the room is cluttered as I’m in the process of sorting it out and my house is generally tidy bar a bit of clutter because again I’m in the middle of sorting it out and I live in a small house). When he left (this happened in the evening when my DH was at work) I screamed at the top of my lungs around the house that I didn’t want this baby anymore, that they were meant to be a glue baby and have just made things worse and I want them to die and I wanted to kill myself. I ran outside and screamed, I paced the whole house in a blind mental breakdown (all logic had left me by this point) I threw myself down some stairs but not hard then I punched my stomach repeatedly. Instantly I cried hystericallly because I was disgusted at myself and I just wanted the trauma to stop. I called a family friend over in tears and they sat with me until my husband got back an hour later. I went to the hospital to get checked over and told them I fell down a few stairs. This all happened on top of me pretty much non stop crying since Monday morning with a broken 5 hours sleep.

my baby is thankfully ok but it’s eating me up inside of what I just did. I don’t think I should be here anymore and i should have just harmed myself instead of taking it out on my baby. I’ve spent all night crying then getting angry at myself and others for having a better life without having to fight tooth and nail for it to a bit more calm to it all repeating again.

right now I’m a lot calmer but I don’t think I can truly forgive myself for what I did to my baby. I don’t deserve him, when I’m in a mental breakdown I’ve no control if it’s a very bad one which is scary. I’d rather end it all than hurt my baby and if things don’t get better then that what I’ll likely do. I’m no good to anyone I’m just a cancer. I wish I had terminal cancer and if a doctor told me that I’d be so so so happy. I’m so sorry for anyone affected by cancer but I deserve it.

what do I do now? What next? How do I stop letting people affect me so badly without completely cutting them off?

I really wanted a nice happy proper family but I should have accepted that girls like me shouldn’t have that or I should have waited until I was about 45 or close to menopause to get pregnant at least then my family would be too old to do much to try and control me and I’d be too busy with a baby to look after them much.

Be kind to yourself, you have been obviously pushed to the limit. Please do get help as others suggested. Sending a hug.

OMG That was disturbing to read.
You need help today so you dont abuse yourself or you child.

I think you have posted about this befire and been urged to contact your midwife and peri natal team. Please do it ASAP. Do not take any sudden decisions. Just seek professional help immediately.

What do you mean by ‘glue baby’ op? For you and your husband, or you and your families relationship?

Either way, as all other posters have said, you really need to start by contacting your midwife and telling them everything. You are so close to giving birth, you need professional support right now, please don’t delay or feel hesitant, they are there for you and your baby?

You need to be completely honest with your midwife and refer yourself to social services as you are going to need extensive mental health support, and your baby is going to need close protection.

I don't say this to be cruel, but because I know that, in your right mind, you want nothing more than to love and protect your baby, and would be utterly devastated if any harm came to them; but when you're NOT in your right mind, as last night, you can't bank on that being the case. Last night you actively tried to harm your baby; maybe it wasn't considered, maybe it was more of a way of expressing your inner turmoil and crying out for help, but you could have harmed them severely and you know that. And you know it could easily happen again; if you are so volatile now, imagine post birth - with little sleep, in physical pain, and overwhelmed by the enormous responsibility of a little life to care for, and unless you cut them out entirely your awful family WILL be interfering and criticising and driving you crazy.

You could become severely overwhelmed very quickly and anything might happen. This can happen to postnatal women even without any pre-existing mental health conditions; with your current state it feels almost inevitable, and the only thing you can do is now, whilst you are still capable of being rational and selfless about it, secure as much safety and support for you and your baby as you can.

I really hope you come through this awfulness OP and can have a beautiful relationship with your baby. I have mental health troubles as well, though not as severe as yours sound; and motherhood, whilst being one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced emotionally and physically, has also been the absolute making of me. If you get the help and support you need, and the protection your baby needs, there is every chance it could be the making of you too; there's a line in a TV show that goes "when you can't walk, you crawl; and when you can't crawl, you find someone to carry you." Motherhood is like that. you can't do it alone; we all need help, some of us more than others, at some times more than others. Please get the help you and your baby need. Stop lying to the people who need to know the truth to help you properly.

If you feel unable to call your midwife, ask your husband to do so right now. Posting on here right now will only make you feel more scattered and delay action.

Yes exactly bit people never seem to think like that on here, it is all guns blazing rip everyone else who has even walked past the op just because the op says 'they are being mean to me'

As people know in real life encouraging certain behaviour in people that have serious issues is not healthy or helpful to them

I would never encourage a new mum to cut off her family based on some very irrational posts. Professionals can advise on that. They may well be alarmed by OPs MH.

“and unless you cut them out entirely your awful family WILL be interfering and criticising and driving you crazy.”

You have no idea if this is even true! Jesus.
Maybe OP’s family are simply concerned (correctly) about the safety and environment of her unborn child.

You need to tell your midwife what is going on.

If you genuinely feel how you say you feel then you should consider adoption for your child.

This does not sound like a safe or acceptable environment for a baby.

If this is the OP I think it is you really need to seek urgent help. You’ve started numerous threads now throughout your pregnancy blaming your unborn child for situations in your life, wanting rid of them because it’s their fault you lost your job, stating they’ll have to put up and shut up if they don’t fit into your existing way of life, saying you’ll just hand them over to social services if there’s something wrong with them. I have to be honest, all this plus your latest thread paints a terrifying picture of the life your child is about to be born into.

Babies aren’t “glue”. If anything they amplify even the smallest crack in the strongest of relationships. I haven’t faced anywhere near the issues you’ve faced and yet still having our much wanted, much adored DD tested DH and I in ways neither of us ever expected.

Please, please listen to those that have repeatedly told you to seek help and support before it’s too late.

I think it’s better if asking for help or intervention comes from you.

Its otherwise inevitable that those around you (HCPs, family, or neighbours seeing you screaming in the street) will do it for you.

Dont be afraid of the authorities- they will help you keep your baby if you engage with them.

I'm taking the OP at face value because that is literally all we can do. Whether her family are loving and concerned or controlling and abusive is really neither here onr there - the OP is antagonistic towards them and her experience will dictate her response. Us questioning her belief isn't going to suddenly make her receptive to her family's support, if that is what they are offering. And the most supportive family in the world can't help the OP right now, she is profoundly mentally disturbed and needs dispassionate professional help. THAT is what matters right now, not whether she does or doesn't have a loving or abusive family. So I'm not going to waste time and antagonise her by questioning her reality as stated here, as there is literally nothing to go on bar what OP has stated.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy/4991317-aibu-to-be-annoyedworried-that-best-friends-mum-told-her-not-to-visit-all-the-time-when-my-baby-arrives?reply=132443054

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy/4978048-work-probation-meeting-on-tuesday-pregnant-worried-ill-fail-and-lose-my-job?postsby=NewbieToThis

Is this you OP?

Reading between the lines of op’s account of this situation:
Family have left op (in peace) to get on with things however:

On Monday 3 different family members “started” on op because they didn’t like the friends she was partying with

On Tuesday, a family member visited the house and told op she needed to tidy up and clear out the room so baby’s stuff could be assembled and could be put in there?

This resulted in a massive screaming meltdown, no doubt exacerbated by the fear and pressure of responsibility a baby coming any day now brings.

I don’t think it’s at all helpful to take sides or demonise the family.

@ascummyperson
Agree 👍 totally with @Calamitousness post 💯 per cent...

Need to get something 🤔 effectively beneficial in place as soon as possible for your sake and unborn babys 👶 sake too ...

I’ve no idea if you’re willing to engage here op.

Today, now you are feeling calmer it would be wise at the very least to have a plan of action for the next time you feel in crisis.

It is likely to happen again; your panic attacks and feeling out of control have many triggers.

You cannot control those triggers so plan how you can safely react.

Have three phone numbers you can ring in crisis;
The mental health support line given above
emergency services
And a trusted responsible adult.

Write those down today.
You cannot do this alone x

@ascummyperson
Good morning. Have you spoken to your midwife today? I hope so. If not please contact them ASAP, they will want to help you and your baby going forward.

Having a baby is a huge life change for you, your DH and your relationship. You need help and support from professionals who can assist you on this journey.

You and your baby deserve every chance to help your relationship flourish there are HCP's who are trained specifically in mental health issues. They can and will help you if you call them. Goodluck.

I don't know if you'll come back to this thread, OP, but your post was actually really disturbing to read; moreso than anything you've written (under different guises) in the past.

What happened was horrific; it was awful and terrible. That does not make you an awful or terrible person, but those were the actions of a seriously mentally unwell individual.

I actually cannot believe that your husband was not truthful with hospital staff when you chose to lie about the fact that you attempted to harm both yourself and your unborn child.

What are you going to do when the baby is here if you find yourself experiencing a similar 'mental breakdown'? Throw baby down the stairs? Punch baby in the stomach?

What I have just written is extremely brutal, but the reality of having a baby when you have severe and enduring mental health problems IS brutal.

When my Twin DC were born, I experienced severe PND and post-partum psychosis. But, I'd already started working with the perinatal mental health team - I asked my midwife to refer me. I had to prioritise my daughters over my own fear of Social Services.

I did lose my DC for a time - I had a further psychotic episode in 2019 and expressed fear to hospital staff about intrusive thoughts I was having around harming my DC and myself.

My willingness to seek help, engage and be painfully honest - to my own detriment at times - meant that my twins came home.

4 years later, we are doing well as a little family. We no longer have Social Services in our lives, although the door is always open. I have built a fabulous network of supportive Mum friends, having moved to a better area.

If you are going to raise this child, you are clearly going to need all the help you can get from professionals. It's the very least your child deserves.

So, maybe be brave - for your unborn child, if not yourself - and take the steps you so evidently need starting from TODAY to ensure your child doesn't become another statistic either within the care system or a mortuary. Both of you deserve better.

That’s such a touching honest post @Crazycatlady79 and I hope it can help op or others in some way. Sending best wishes

There is absolutely no shame in saying I’m not well, I’m not coping.
It simply takes courage and a realisation that telling yourself that “if others around you behaved differently or left you alone you’d be ok” is not the truth- so be honest.

You will not be judged or punished.It’s very common to struggle in pregnancy and post natally.

@Crazycatlady79 That’s a brave and honest post- Hope you and the Twins are doing well.

Hope that @ascummyperson sees your post.

All healthcare professionals want to do is to keep children and their families living happily and safely together,It’s far far better to say beforehand that one is having issues with potentially coping than to wait til a crisis happens.

I agree and I advised to go no contact with family but now I’ve recognised the OP from previous posts. I now feel this was the wrong advice, it was based on the assumption that she is a reliable narrator, I don’t feel that’s the case now.

She’s posted many times now and you can see the situation escalating with each one. Every single post she’s been advised to get help or other people are giving advice about her hair worries or about getting her figure back without realising there is more to it then it seems at face value.

Members are recognising her now from the back story and continuing to persuade her to speak to someone but the family conflict is brought up every time which is encouraging people to tell her to cut off contact with family. No one knows the other side of the story so we can’t really advise other then continuing to suggest OP seeks out professional help.

it’s worrying how much you can see OP’s mental health declining and yet as far as I can see she’s not reached out to anyone properly, no one is qualified here to advise and it’s probably doing more harm then good engaging with her and responding to anxieties and worries - especially the ones regarding her appearance and weight.

I hope the next time she posts she comes back and tells us that she’s accessed proper professional help before it’s too late.

I hope OP does have people looking out for her who are genuinely concerned and have her best interests at heart. She needs all the help she can get at the moment and so it’s definitely not advisable to tell her to cut people out of her life in case they are keeping an eye on her mental state and worrying about what’s best for the baby. She might see it as interference but at the same time they might have a clearer picture of what’s going on and be trying to intervene in her best interests.

OP seems an unstable person at present who desperately needs professional help- all the talk on other threads of wanting to get the baby looked after by others - envying those with nannies - before the baby has even been born.

Getting pregnant and pregnancy is the easy part- the actual slog takes place when the tiny dependent very vulnerable human being is placed in your arms, for the next 18 years at least {one never stops being a parent}

Hopefully [??] when OP gives birth, midwives will get a good idea as to the chaotic situation.

Social services may already be on the radar?

They will be looking out for the safety of the baby and mother, hopefully.

I screamed into a pillow twice today. Screaming can release tension and anger, helping the screamer to calm down.

OP is clearly very mentally ill right now, ill enough to throw herself down the stairs to try to end her pregnancy, whilst facing narcissistic relatives trying to run her life. Lecturing her to suppress her emotions does not help her and smacks of tone policing. Being polite doesn't work on narcs any way.