I did something disgusting and terrible last night during a bad mental breakdown. What next

[ascummyperson]

I need help I know I do.

I’ve been through trauma throughout my life mainly relating to my family but other things too. I went through a particularly traumatic series of events about 3 years ago that my DH had to go through too and since then my family have never let me get over it by constantly triggering me and bringing it up which causes me to have crying fits and panic attacks. There has been a few periods of peace including recently but over a party I had with the people my family hate they’ve started again this week and I’m 9 months pregnant.

this baby is a much wanted and planned for which makes what I did so so much more worse. I have been excited for this baby but have massively struggled with my mental health which I should have got under control when they started to get a hold of me again. I’ve had problems with several different areas in my life. I have had so many anxieties about situations and possible situations that have made it so so hard at times to feel true joy for my new baby. I’ve swayed so much from being happy to pure dread.

my family are controlling and think I’m their property because I’m special needs. They go through periods of mainly leaving me to it with somewhat peace to piling on the pressure and making me just be ok with what they want e.g. not allowed to do this in my own house. I thought when I got married it would all stop and they’d start treating me like a proper adult who can make decisions for herself but nope once that bad event that triggered a series of bad events happened 3 years ago I wasn’t allowed to move on and when I tried to they would bring it up and traumatise me.

this week has been really really hard. On top of my emotions being all over the place and my mood being a mess, ive had 3 family members start on me since Monday and that was about the party and making me feel inferior and less than. Tuesday was about my baby’s room and that family member not allowing me choice in what I can have in that room and shouting at me that it needs gutted out for furniture to go in it and not letting me get rid of certain things. I was told to fuck up deal with it and stop living like a tramp (parts of the room is cluttered as I’m in the process of sorting it out and my house is generally tidy bar a bit of clutter because again I’m in the middle of sorting it out and I live in a small house). When he left (this happened in the evening when my DH was at work) I screamed at the top of my lungs around the house that I didn’t want this baby anymore, that they were meant to be a glue baby and have just made things worse and I want them to die and I wanted to kill myself. I ran outside and screamed, I paced the whole house in a blind mental breakdown (all logic had left me by this point) I threw myself down some stairs but not hard then I punched my stomach repeatedly. Instantly I cried hystericallly because I was disgusted at myself and I just wanted the trauma to stop. I called a family friend over in tears and they sat with me until my husband got back an hour later. I went to the hospital to get checked over and told them I fell down a few stairs. This all happened on top of me pretty much non stop crying since Monday morning with a broken 5 hours sleep.

my baby is thankfully ok but it’s eating me up inside of what I just did. I don’t think I should be here anymore and i should have just harmed myself instead of taking it out on my baby. I’ve spent all night crying then getting angry at myself and others for having a better life without having to fight tooth and nail for it to a bit more calm to it all repeating again.

right now I’m a lot calmer but I don’t think I can truly forgive myself for what I did to my baby. I don’t deserve him, when I’m in a mental breakdown I’ve no control if it’s a very bad one which is scary. I’d rather end it all than hurt my baby and if things don’t get better then that what I’ll likely do. I’m no good to anyone I’m just a cancer. I wish I had terminal cancer and if a doctor told me that I’d be so so so happy. I’m so sorry for anyone affected by cancer but I deserve it.

what do I do now? What next? How do I stop letting people affect me so badly without completely cutting them off?

I really wanted a nice happy proper family but I should have accepted that girls like me shouldn’t have that or I should have waited until I was about 45 or close to menopause to get pregnant at least then my family would be too old to do much to try and control me and I’d be too busy with a baby to look after them much.

Sending hugs x

The above advice is good. Take it and any help you can get. Keep that toxic family of yours at arm's length.

Take good care of yourself x

As others have said, please go to A&E and explain you feel unsafe and are having suicidal thoughts - they have a mental health team that can help and your in a safe place.

Talk to your husband about your feelings. It's scaring but you are not alone and going in the right direction - there's people that can help and support you.

Please seek help and support you deserve and need.

Talk to your midwife today if you don't go to A&E and explain your feelings on the phone - they will ensure you have appointment. A social worker can help and support you as well.

@ascummyperson you are not disgusting. You had a mental break. The only disgusting ones are your so called family.

However, YOU need to take back some control.

First, be honest with your midwife about your mental state, I promise they will help. I had significant mental issues when pregnant, different reasons to yours but enough that I spent most of my pregnancy in total denial and just going through the motions. I will warn you that they will arrange a multi agency team to support you and that will almost certainly involve a social worker. Don't panic. They are there to make sure you and baby have the support you need and honestly they were a godsend for me.

Second be brutally honest with your husband. You need him to be a barrier between you and your frankly disgusting family.

You need to go non contact with them all. You are an adult they have no right to tell you what you can or can't do. Fuck the lot of them!!

Hope you are ok!!

If you’re the same person who has posted frequently during the last few weeks (visual impairment, two dogs, feels like your best friend should help you post birth or your sister in law (I think) should give you her bigger house, then yes I agree you need urgent help.

Please don’t say that like any social work involvement must be avoided at all costs. Some people really need and benefit from some extra structured support when coping with issues postnatally.

Please speak urgently to your midwife op. Someone up thread suggested showing her your original post here, and that’s a good idea. Probably easier and less traumatic than trying to verbalise it all while you are feeling so upset. It’s really important to get some professional help to make it easier for you to cope with these challenges you are facing just now. Accept any help they offer, you really have to focus on keeping yourself well and your baby safe. Good luck op💐

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
More specifically, the NCT can be very helpful here and have an excellent advice page here along with a telephone number 0300 330 0700 that takes you to a support line.
Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well. Your midwife would want to know that you are feeling this way, and can help. There will be nothing she hasn't encountered before.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare. It should go without saying that if we had reason to doubt that this poster is telling the truth, we would have removed the post by now.

All the best, OP, there's a very emotional and tiring (and at the same time, we fervently hope, wonderful and exciting) time coming up so do make sure that your midwife is aware that your emotions are already on a bit of a rollercoaster.

Sending love from HQ.

Please speak to your midwife , she will help you !

You need to cut your family out! You say you what a normal family .
You , your baby abs yourself are all the family you need and you need to protect that .

Cut then out they are no use and by the sounds of things they are the cause of your problems. How can anyone cope with that it’s no wonder you have what you call “mental breakdowns “
the pressure they are putting you under instead of letting you love .

Id go as far as moving area and only giving your trusted supportive people your address or number .

Please keep these people away they are controlling abs don’t care .

Have social services been involved with you yet? I think you need support from them and other agencies. Do you have a mental health diagnosis? Sounds like you need assessing for EUPD or similar.

The best way to have a baby ‘taken off’ you is by not engaging or seeking support when things are going wrong. Mums who engage and accept help rarely lose their babies. It’s not the worst thing to have some extra oversight and support by being under a child in need plan.

Get referred to a perinatal team. They are used to these kinds of referrals and will want to help you.

As things stand, you could become less stable following delivery and you need all the help you can get. If nothing else, professionals can help advocate for you with your family and help you set boundaries.

You are not a bad person. But the baby needs you to be a present and stable and consistent mum without these mood swings and impulsivity. Please get help.

You don't know that. There isn't enough info here to make that judgement, and quite frankly we are only hearing one side here. What is clearly evident is the OP needs help - and she needs to become completely honest when she speaks to her MW.

What does ‘I’m special needs’ mean? If you do have a diagnosis or condition then I would hope your needs would have been flagged up already for consideration of extra support.

Where is your partner in this? You say it’s a planned baby. Is he supportive and will he be around?

@ascummyperson - please seek help TODAY. This is an emergency, please contact your MW now. You could've killed yourself and your baby. You need to take control and sort this.

Hi OP

I got help with my mental health from a team in my local council. They were really kind and helpful and took me seriously.

Enough is.enough - you don't deserve to feel like this anymore. Reach out to a professional urgently. Tell then what you've written here. They can assist you. Don't sweep this under the rug. Move forward with your life with changes. You can do this.

And.congratulations on your beautiful baby. Wishing you a good Labour.

Call your midwife this morning. Be totally honest with her. Include details of the pressure your family put you under.

There will be help available. But only if you ask for it.

I hope you get support very soon and that your pregnancy continues without difficulty.

You write very eloquently and you live on your own, seemingly without any ongoing professional support. If that is the case then you don’t need to keep contact with your family members who seem to be causing you incredible stress. If they harass you then you should report them to the police. Do not let them in your home, change the locks if necessary. You need to start putting some boundaries in place and these people are clearly triggering your mental health.

Do contact your midwife for mental health crisis support.

There is no such thing as “glue baby”. A baby cannot bring together something that is already broken.

That sounds awful. It feels like you might need some sort of MH support. I understand why you got so upset with all the pressure from these awful people. They said the baby is fine. You really genuinely want the baby and it was just a reaction that went too far as you were driven to the edge.
I'd strongly suggest counselling at the least.

Talk to your midwife or get someone else to as say that you NEED to be under the perinatal mental health midwife team, they can help you, there is a lot of support out there and it sounds like you really need support.

If you're thinking about harming yourself/ your baby, having thoughts they're better off without you etc now it's going to be 1000% worse when that baby's born and you're still getting interference from your family plus no sleep from a newborn. Please access urgent help, whether it's your GP or A and E.

All the posters slagging off OP’s family need to do a bit more critical thinking here. Who are these friends you were partying with? Why do your family not like them?
We only have the OP’s word for it that they are controlling, I’m not sure she is a reliable narrator at the moment.

What is the back story that some posters are alluding to?

You need to go nc with family to start with. But also be aware that you also need to take some responsibility for your own way of dealing with things. As said above, you need to seek help before the baby is born, as I fear for the baby’s safety in all of this.

@MustBeNapTime Also, this "but over a party I had with the people my family hate they’ve started again this week" concerns me. Why do your family hate these friends of yours? What kind of party was it? Could your family be worried about possible drink or drugs usage? I honestly apologise if that's way out of line, but I'm wondering if your family are genuinely worried about you but going about it the wrong way.

Yes, her friends vape during pregnancy and she wants to or has. There's quite a bit more than just the vaping though.

That's why all the posters saying "cut off your family" may or may not be helpful. They definitely may be abusive, but they might also just be keeping her and the baby alive or well. We just don't know.

Is this a regular and previous poster under a new name? I recognise some of the story and the phrase "glue baby"

If so then there you've multiple threads that have begged you to both seek help and to minimise the drama you create around you.

It's such a concern when things become a self fulfilled prophecy.

What now?
The best way forwards is to acknowledge your actions and seek support.

I don’t think anyone can advise further about your family or how responsible they are for your MH issues.

Its not clear but you panicked that family were “interfering” about a party you had planned and gave you advice about clearing a room so that the baby’s cot could be put up?

Its possible they are concerned and trying (perhaps clumsily) to help you.
You see advice as being told what to do/ controlled and you panic?

You need a support network around you and professional advice.
Take action today as you have limited time before baby is here.

What next?
Lose the guilt
Dont minimise what happened or blame it completely on other people,
Follow the links on here to get support in place

Forgive yourself and accept that you are going to need help and support to do this.

Stop telling yourself that if everyone left you alone, you’d be ok.
Don’t fight against it x

Agree with this. So many posters giving dangerous advice. If the OP is who I think she is she is hoping that family and friends will take care of the baby. Do not advise her to cut ANYONE off. An example is, OP believes that her SIL should let her have their house as its bigger and better suited to OP's needs.
OP, tell your midwife exactly what happened, you desperately need intensive mental health support.