I did something disgusting and terrible last night during a bad mental breakdown. What next

[ascummyperson]

I need help I know I do.

I’ve been through trauma throughout my life mainly relating to my family but other things too. I went through a particularly traumatic series of events about 3 years ago that my DH had to go through too and since then my family have never let me get over it by constantly triggering me and bringing it up which causes me to have crying fits and panic attacks. There has been a few periods of peace including recently but over a party I had with the people my family hate they’ve started again this week and I’m 9 months pregnant.

this baby is a much wanted and planned for which makes what I did so so much more worse. I have been excited for this baby but have massively struggled with my mental health which I should have got under control when they started to get a hold of me again. I’ve had problems with several different areas in my life. I have had so many anxieties about situations and possible situations that have made it so so hard at times to feel true joy for my new baby. I’ve swayed so much from being happy to pure dread.

my family are controlling and think I’m their property because I’m special needs. They go through periods of mainly leaving me to it with somewhat peace to piling on the pressure and making me just be ok with what they want e.g. not allowed to do this in my own house. I thought when I got married it would all stop and they’d start treating me like a proper adult who can make decisions for herself but nope once that bad event that triggered a series of bad events happened 3 years ago I wasn’t allowed to move on and when I tried to they would bring it up and traumatise me.

this week has been really really hard. On top of my emotions being all over the place and my mood being a mess, ive had 3 family members start on me since Monday and that was about the party and making me feel inferior and less than. Tuesday was about my baby’s room and that family member not allowing me choice in what I can have in that room and shouting at me that it needs gutted out for furniture to go in it and not letting me get rid of certain things. I was told to fuck up deal with it and stop living like a tramp (parts of the room is cluttered as I’m in the process of sorting it out and my house is generally tidy bar a bit of clutter because again I’m in the middle of sorting it out and I live in a small house). When he left (this happened in the evening when my DH was at work) I screamed at the top of my lungs around the house that I didn’t want this baby anymore, that they were meant to be a glue baby and have just made things worse and I want them to die and I wanted to kill myself. I ran outside and screamed, I paced the whole house in a blind mental breakdown (all logic had left me by this point) I threw myself down some stairs but not hard then I punched my stomach repeatedly. Instantly I cried hystericallly because I was disgusted at myself and I just wanted the trauma to stop. I called a family friend over in tears and they sat with me until my husband got back an hour later. I went to the hospital to get checked over and told them I fell down a few stairs. This all happened on top of me pretty much non stop crying since Monday morning with a broken 5 hours sleep.

my baby is thankfully ok but it’s eating me up inside of what I just did. I don’t think I should be here anymore and i should have just harmed myself instead of taking it out on my baby. I’ve spent all night crying then getting angry at myself and others for having a better life without having to fight tooth and nail for it to a bit more calm to it all repeating again.

right now I’m a lot calmer but I don’t think I can truly forgive myself for what I did to my baby. I don’t deserve him, when I’m in a mental breakdown I’ve no control if it’s a very bad one which is scary. I’d rather end it all than hurt my baby and if things don’t get better then that what I’ll likely do. I’m no good to anyone I’m just a cancer. I wish I had terminal cancer and if a doctor told me that I’d be so so so happy. I’m so sorry for anyone affected by cancer but I deserve it.

what do I do now? What next? How do I stop letting people affect me so badly without completely cutting them off?

I really wanted a nice happy proper family but I should have accepted that girls like me shouldn’t have that or I should have waited until I was about 45 or close to menopause to get pregnant at least then my family would be too old to do much to try and control me and I’d be too busy with a baby to look after them much.

I may have this completely wrong but what’s happening to you sounds very much like an issue my mum has. Hence why I’m not sure that people should be saying that your family are toxic.

You're feeling huge levels of guilt and shame and you’ve built up barriers to shut that out and cope. You can’t control some of the things your family are saying that are getting through the barriers and causing a breakdown/psychotic episode. That’s incredibly difficult for a family member to deal with because normal reasoning isn’t possible. I have to deal with this every few weeks so I speak from experience. It seems to you that they’re treating you like a child but it’s because they can’t have a rational conversation with you at the moment. You need to attempt to manage your behaviour and develop some level of self-awareness.

I do not want to make you feel worse at this time. You’re not a bad person and you cannot help your behaviour because you don’t have enough awareness of what’s happening to you. I think you need dialectical behavioural therapy and I’m not diagnosing but your post screams EUPD. I know people will be cross for me saying that but if no one says it then there’s no way to move forward.

Telling someone that they need to manage their behaviour and develop some self-awareness is really, really not helpful when they clearly don't currently have the tools to do so currently.
Especially, when in the next paragraph, you say OP can't help her behaviour and doesn't have enough awareness.
As someone with a diagnosis of BPD, it really isn't your place to 'helpfully' tell the OP that is what you believe she has.
Either way, armchair diagnoses are never helpful, especially over the Internet.
Sincerely hope, even if OP doesn't come back to this thread, that someone in her life actually steps up and gets her some emergency MH support, otherwise fuck knows that'll happen next, the salient concern being around the unborn child.

Tbh, I've been reading OP's threads without much comment for months (I was the 2nd or so poster on this thread who recognised OP). BPD/EUPD has occurred to me multiple times, as someone familiar with it.

I wouldn't have mentioned it, but it was nice to hear someone voice something after months of just watching OP spiral and lash out in response to rejection, demonstrating many of the symptoms. Actually, one of my loved ones was diagnosed with it by a professional, after we learnt about its existence on the Internet. I'm truly thankful for that life-changing info and awareness. The poster you quoted mentioned DBT – it has an incredibly high success rate.

It's just an avenue to explore. I'm sure MH professionals do rigorous assessments and if she doesn't have BPD, they won't tell her she has BPD even if she thinks she has it off the Internet.

I think, BPD/EUPD or not, the self-awareness point is helpful in the long run. Definitely as a counterweight to all the posts here blindly egging her on her to cut her potentially life-saving support system off (we just don't know if they're good or bad in this situation), randomly diagnosing NPD in her family... But which I notice you don't have any comment on.

Yes, there may be moments when OP loses it horrifically, but in terms of her wider perspective, she has a brain, she can type lucidly here. Are her family persecuting/bullying her or are they raising reasonable concerns for her and the child's safety? (Parties with maybe vape, child needing clean environment, etc...) As I said, they could most definitely just be narc bullies, but it would be worth evaluating whether we and OP should jump to that conclusion without any reflection or self-awareness first. Especially as her months of posts do show quite a striking lack of self-awareness – not a moral fault but a logical/emotional one.

However, in response to some posters' explanations, she has changed her perspective in the past. E.g. She mentioned multiple times that she intended to put her baby in foster care every time she wanted a break for hair and makeup self-care / making Youtube videos, and even suggested it to other posters. After many posters explained that's not what it's for, she backtracked and said she only considered foster care a last resort – so she does have some ability to broaden and shift her perspective based on new info. Sorry if this sounds condescending but what I'm saying is let's not assume all mentally ill people (and I am one myself) are too far gone beyond the bounds of logic and reason!

I wouldn't say OP's posts have ever been 'lucid' per se, but that's a point for another time.

You did sound more than a tad condescending, especially as I haven't actually made any assumptions regarding any or 'all' individuals with MH problems.

As for PPs who replied encouraging OP to break contact with her family etc etc, well that was all fucking stupid advice from them, none of which I've commented on as you noted (I didn't feel the need to; I think sharing my own very personal experience of my own MH and my twins being in foster care was enough from me for one day).

OK, I guess we just have different perspectives. I personally think it's condescending to assume OP is past the point of self-awareness. It's also condescending to claim she's not ever been lucid – her posts are definitely self-absorbed, but tbh a common underlying theme I can spot and which I think she's at least subconsciously aware of is fear of rejection from very specific certain people, and that the baby will trigger said rejection of her from those people... But let's move on.

During an episode, yes, no point mentioning self-awareness. In wider terms, maybe it would be worth unpicking the narrative she has created blaming her family and baby for everything, even unrelated things like getting fired for mistakes.

It's a helpful suggestion that specifically mentions it's not an attempt to diagnose. At least it mentions a possible avenue and therapy type to be vetted by actual professionals, compared to the literally hundreds of generic "seek help" posts towards OP over multiple escalating threads.

Also, as you may be aware, ADHD/BPD diagnoses have a strong comorbidity. People will throw out an ADHD suggestion at the drop of a hat (which is valid as an avenue to explore with a real MH professional), yet I notice BPD/EUPD is the Big Taboo to mention despite the fact that it actually has one of the highest treatment success rates out of most MH conditions!

I didn't say that OP had never been lucid; I said her posts weren't per se.
Nor did I say she is 'past' awareness.
I've got both ADHD, BPD and Autism and I think both all are bandied around as possibilities by MN-ers far too often.
I'm not sure the PP I was actually replying saying OP's post 'screams' EUPD is what I'd construe to be an 'helpful suggestion'.
However, my perspective is potentially skewed in the early hours of morning after a week of twins with a sickness bug/horrible lurgy.

There’s definitely a huge stigma around EUPD even though it’s now known to usually be caused by past trauma or abuse.

I know it’s never a good idea to feel too invested in threads but I found op’s account so unsettling.

I think most people here did so nearly all the comments are an attempt to help op even if they’re a little clumsily worded or misjudged?

I’m hoping that op hasn’t returned to the thread because she’s in labour and her distressed state has been recognised and addressed by hospital staff.

It’s unpleasant to think that women who are in severe mental pain are slipping through the net during their antenatal care.

OP please show this thread to your partner and your midwife so you get support

Have you reached out for help yet OP? @ascummyperson

Hi I just thought I’d post an update and also to say thanks for all the lovely messages you’ve sent. I have spoken to midwives and have some help in place. I do feel a lot calmer this week but I still get angry at myself and feel guilty for how I reacted and what I did. I do understand that reaction happened because of a build up of things I’ve went through and stress I’ve put myself through and others have put me through this pregnancy. I am still worried about a big fallout or blow up or anything of that matter when my baby arrives but I’m figuring out how to handle that.

So glad you’ve gotten help. Keep speaking to your from your health team

also don’t beat yourself up over something you’ve done. We all have bed moments. Can you put it behind you and move on from it? It’s what you do now that counts.

Well you've just proven that you are a blooming good mother, and a very strong person. It's not easy to ask for help and I'm really pleased you did. You should be proud of yourself, well done. Hope it all goes well for you.