I did something disgusting and terrible last night during a bad mental breakdown. What next

[ascummyperson]

I need help I know I do.

I’ve been through trauma throughout my life mainly relating to my family but other things too. I went through a particularly traumatic series of events about 3 years ago that my DH had to go through too and since then my family have never let me get over it by constantly triggering me and bringing it up which causes me to have crying fits and panic attacks. There has been a few periods of peace including recently but over a party I had with the people my family hate they’ve started again this week and I’m 9 months pregnant.

this baby is a much wanted and planned for which makes what I did so so much more worse. I have been excited for this baby but have massively struggled with my mental health which I should have got under control when they started to get a hold of me again. I’ve had problems with several different areas in my life. I have had so many anxieties about situations and possible situations that have made it so so hard at times to feel true joy for my new baby. I’ve swayed so much from being happy to pure dread.

my family are controlling and think I’m their property because I’m special needs. They go through periods of mainly leaving me to it with somewhat peace to piling on the pressure and making me just be ok with what they want e.g. not allowed to do this in my own house. I thought when I got married it would all stop and they’d start treating me like a proper adult who can make decisions for herself but nope once that bad event that triggered a series of bad events happened 3 years ago I wasn’t allowed to move on and when I tried to they would bring it up and traumatise me.

this week has been really really hard. On top of my emotions being all over the place and my mood being a mess, ive had 3 family members start on me since Monday and that was about the party and making me feel inferior and less than. Tuesday was about my baby’s room and that family member not allowing me choice in what I can have in that room and shouting at me that it needs gutted out for furniture to go in it and not letting me get rid of certain things. I was told to fuck up deal with it and stop living like a tramp (parts of the room is cluttered as I’m in the process of sorting it out and my house is generally tidy bar a bit of clutter because again I’m in the middle of sorting it out and I live in a small house). When he left (this happened in the evening when my DH was at work) I screamed at the top of my lungs around the house that I didn’t want this baby anymore, that they were meant to be a glue baby and have just made things worse and I want them to die and I wanted to kill myself. I ran outside and screamed, I paced the whole house in a blind mental breakdown (all logic had left me by this point) I threw myself down some stairs but not hard then I punched my stomach repeatedly. Instantly I cried hystericallly because I was disgusted at myself and I just wanted the trauma to stop. I called a family friend over in tears and they sat with me until my husband got back an hour later. I went to the hospital to get checked over and told them I fell down a few stairs. This all happened on top of me pretty much non stop crying since Monday morning with a broken 5 hours sleep.

my baby is thankfully ok but it’s eating me up inside of what I just did. I don’t think I should be here anymore and i should have just harmed myself instead of taking it out on my baby. I’ve spent all night crying then getting angry at myself and others for having a better life without having to fight tooth and nail for it to a bit more calm to it all repeating again.

right now I’m a lot calmer but I don’t think I can truly forgive myself for what I did to my baby. I don’t deserve him, when I’m in a mental breakdown I’ve no control if it’s a very bad one which is scary. I’d rather end it all than hurt my baby and if things don’t get better then that what I’ll likely do. I’m no good to anyone I’m just a cancer. I wish I had terminal cancer and if a doctor told me that I’d be so so so happy. I’m so sorry for anyone affected by cancer but I deserve it.

what do I do now? What next? How do I stop letting people affect me so badly without completely cutting them off?

I really wanted a nice happy proper family but I should have accepted that girls like me shouldn’t have that or I should have waited until I was about 45 or close to menopause to get pregnant at least then my family would be too old to do much to try and control me and I’d be too busy with a baby to look after them much.

Tell the truth before the police have to get involved

Yes definitely get help from a midwife.

It sounds like your family are the issue, read toxic parents by Susan forward, and consider going low to no contact with them.

Do you have a social worker OP? Has anyone identified that you may need support with your baby when it’s born?
if not, you need to get that support in place as a vulnerable adult.
everyone is right, speak to midwife and let them know how you’re feeling but also that you have additional needs and uncontrollable episodes which should mean they would refer a social worker who can arrange support for you. Your family may be seen as a protective factor, tell your team midwife/HV that you are finding they are making things worse.

OP you feel suicidal. Wake up and call your GP/ midwife team/ A&E straight away- whoever answers your call first. Tell them everything you've said here please,they can and will help you so take the help OP. You need to donit before baby is born, it'll be too late in a few weeks time. Once your up- call straight away for help.

You are being severely abused op, and you are struggling to cope with your mental health.
This is very very serious.
Please block your family. Refuse to engage in any capacity and seek urgent help from your midwife - call the emergency line and tell them everything you have told us.

You must not blame yourself op. It sounds like you are really struggling bless you. Things will feel a million times better once support is in place.

Can you update us as to how you are.

116 123
is also the number for the Samaritans whilst you wait for a response. You came on here - to the right place too - we are here for you. 💐💐

If this is the one who's posted before many times (very recognisable story), I genuinely don't think family are the only issue. I don't have a solution though apart from getting more advanced institutional help – it's all beyond a midwife's payroll.

It's also actually hard to tell if family actually are abusive/controlling (maybe they were at the end of their tether, though no one should be shouting at anyone).

If this is the same OP from before, it honestly sounds like they need serious intervention with their life priorities, ability to care for the child inside them, and general emotional control, so again it's hard to tell whether they're supporting her or abusing her.

(Please note if it's abusing, she shouldn't be gaslit into thinking it's supporting – all I'm saying is a professional might be better placed to tell which it is!)

I would talk to your midwife today or make an urgent same day appointment with your GP.

It is easy to say when it is only the OPs version of this, and yes I am well aware we always get only one side but I would be very careful using words like abuse when I have not heard the other side

Does your husband know really happened? I think that you need to tell him as well as the midwife.

I'm so so sorry you're going through this at such difficult time.

Having worked in psychiatry, my advice is this:

There are two separate issues here:

1. Your mental health
2. your family

1. Please, please seek some support for yourself. Mental health issues can be greatly exacerbated by hormones and you do need to be honest with your GP and your midwife as to how you're feeling. You are at increased risk for post natal depression so nip it in the bud now by getting some help and talking about it. You won't get into any trouble but you do need some support. Mental health issues arent a reflection on you as a person, think of them just like a physical issue like diabetes - noone judges anyone for getting medical help for that. This is absolutely no different. Talking to someone and feeling supported can make such a huge difference and if you have access to support it can act like a pressure valve when things start to feel uncontrollable.

      Let the guilt go. Its happened now and noone was harmed, forgive yourself and instead of beating yourself up mentally, see this as a warning sign that you need some help. As you say, you know your triggers and when it feels like things are becoming unmanageable, thats the time to use that support. 

2.Your family. From what you've said, your family are a huge trigger for you, they arent understanding and it sounds like they nag you relentlessly. You know this now and it may be that you are going to have to limit the time you see them. If you don't want to cut them off completely then maybe limit the amount of time you spend with them and/or make sure your husband is present whenever they are around and talk together first and come up with an agreed plan as to how you are both going to deal with them if they do this again. Feeling prepared is half the battle. Eg it may be that your husband calmly asks them to leave when it starts getting too much for you. There are lots of helpful books/articles online about how to develop healthy boundaries with difficult family so have a look at those too.

I promise you that you absolutely deserve to be here, and so does your baby. With the right support in place it never has to get to this point ever again but you do need to start getting support to help you manage these feelings. There is no reason why you cant be a fantastic mum if you deal with both of these issues.

I really wish you all the very best and I hope that you can feel able to be kind to yourself and know that you deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else x

OP, I’ve been where you are. Antenatal depression followed by postnatal. You need to tell your midwife everything. There is help.

You need support, you deserve to have control over your own life. My adult son has autism and still lives at home, he is free to make his own decisions, even poorly thought out ones because he is an adult. We try to advise him but we respect his choices even when we disagree with them. Just because you have a disability doesn't mean you don't get to have agency in your own life ,in your own home. I think you need to speak to your healthcare team and establish boundaries with your family.

You've posted before ,I recognise what your saying
You know full well the effects your family have on you ,yet you choose tomstay in contact with them ..your life your choice .
But don't be surprised when social services get involved and start saying the baby isn't safe with you
Because frankly it isn't
It's not normal to throw yourself, while pregnant down the stairs
This really needs to be a wake up call for you ,about how baby your mental health really is ..it's not just you to think about now .
And I'd be expecting your family to cause you problems once the baby is here ,with them saying your not fit to look after it ..they are never going to admit their part in the pressure they put u under ..sooner you realise this the better .it's like your stuck in an abusive relationship,but the abuser is your family.

Please get help, having a crying baby and lack of sleep will be even more difficult than a pregnancy.

-Go zero contact with triggering family members.

• Get a lot of support from the GP/mid wives. This behaviour is not normal and your baby is at serious risk.
• in the days after the baby is born, you will have emotional ups and downs and you need to be in control during the downs
• you are very lucky that the baby is ok. Amniotic fluid etc protecting them.
• After the baby is born, they are extremely delicate and fragile. They won’t survive this kind of violence. You need to get your mental state under control

If you neeed more time to sort this out, pls consider getting help to look after the baby.

I'd say that if you can muster the courage from somewhere, then please tell someone from the medical profession that you are suicidal and have tried to hurt your baby.
Once you have said those words then you will have done the best thing that you can do to turn this situation around.

Don't rely on telling husband, there's a chance that he won't know what's the best thing to do is. Tell someone whose job is to know and is not emotionally involved with you or baby.

OP you sound very unwell.
Your baby should be priority.
Please tell your husband and doctor what you've done so you can get help.
As a PP said a crying very needy newborn is even more pressure than pregnancy and newborns are extremely vulnerable.

First you are a good mother. You are trying to sort situation for the benefot of your baby.

But what you need to do:

1. Tell your midwife what happened first thing when lines open. They have experience with trauma and mental health issues.
2. Tell your husband what happened and ask him to help you get medical help you need.
3. Cut off your family. You are an adult and being married means your husband can be your safeguarding person.
4. Don't engage at all with relatives that abuse you. Even if your whole house is a pile of mess, telling pregnant woman that she "lives like a tramp" is a massive red flag.
5. Arrange safeguarding for a baby with your husband. He may need to take more then two weeks paternity leave if you are not in state to take care of it temporarily.

Good luck and hope all turns out well.

Agree. Cut contact with these family members immediately. It will only get worse. You need urgent medical help for your mental health, get it now before your baby is born.

How bad is your living accommodation? If it’s a hovel I’m sorry but your family are right, babies can’t live like that.

You need to tell your midwife EVERYTHING and do it TODAY so they can get the right support for you and take steps to protect your baby. You’ve suffered trauma and your family sound abusive but your actions last night were abusive to your baby and unless you seek help this cycle will likely just continue, with your child experiencing abuse (because even exposing a child to frightening adult behaviour is abusive) and growing up traumatised.

My ante/post natal depression was awful and I didn’t realise what it was until years after.
Dont make the mistake I did and try and get through it alone, I hated myself and treated myself awfully and felt like dirt.
I could have helped myself if I’d know but I didn’t know what it was.
Speak to someone-you’ll be so relieved when you have

As others have said, please contact your midwife today and be very honest with them so they can try and get you mental and physical help that you need before the baby is born.

It's hard to tell from your post whether your family are interfering or are trying to help you out of concern for your situation. Your house may be a "bit cluttered" in your view, which of course is fine, (mine is too!), but to an outsider, could it possibly look dirty and dangerous?

Also, this "but over a party I had with the people my family hate they’ve started again this week" concerns me. Why do your family hate these friends of yours? What kind of party was it? Could your family be worried about possible drink or drugs usage? I honestly apologise if that's way out of line, but I'm wondering if your family are genuinely worried about you but going about it the wrong way.

Either way, take a deep breath and please allow professionals to help you learn coping strategies for when you feel overwhelmed. Maybe mindfulness or meditation videos on youtube may help calm you ready for your lovely new arrival.

Please seek immediate help and tell your DH and medical team what you’ve done. You need to ensure your baby is safe and if you have a breakdown once baby is here it sounds like they could be in serious danger. A screaming crying baby is extremely hard on anyone, even without mental health problems so if something can easily trigger you you need that support in place to keep your baby safe.
Go no contact with your family.