Having a child has ruined our lives.

[BrandNewSofa]

If that sounds like I don’t live my daughter then that’s not the case, I love her with every fibre of my being. I would walk through fire for her. She’s everything.

however.

Ever since she arrived me and DH have struggled with stress. From the off she had health problems- allergies and acid reflux. This then became years and years of croup/ chest infections/ wheezing and hideous coughs. We have become absolutely paranoid about being around anyone who might give her their lergy. In the last month we have been back and forth to a&e and the drs countless times. I’m exhausted. He is exhausted. The mental health toll it’s taken on us has been huge. We don’t have family to rely on. It’s just us. I remember before we had a child and we would enjoy chilled days and nights together and we were happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of happiness and fun and we have photos all over the house of us on days out etc together, but these health problems have ruled our lives.

in case anyone comes at me, I know that people have worse than this. I’m just dealing with what I’m facing.

i have felt broken the last few weeks. Dh is miserable and I am too. It feels like there is never anything but stress.

DD can be volatile and DH and her sometimes clash. Dh has ibs and spends a lot of time down about that too. I’m battling PTSD and often have nightmares. Everything is so hard all the time.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day. It’s utterly draining. I need ten minutes to myself here and there. I need to breathe.

i know nobody here can help me just beyond sad and exhausted.

Sounds like an extremely unhealthy dynamic OP that you can’t even do chores without her not leaving you alone at 14!

None of my 4 DC have ever been like that and I have one with ASD and a learning disability. All of mine were able to occupy themselves from age 10 onwards. Don’t see them for dust for a few hours after they’ve raided the fridge when they’re back from school.

Left alone in locked house from 12 with mobile for 2-3 hours at a time. If she can walk to and from school and go to the shop on her own, she can be left in the house for a bit on her own!

I also have complex PTSD from childhood abuse and have always 2nd guessed myself as a parent but this sounds extreme.

Can you start going out on your on an evening each week and at weekends? If she gets used to being in her own in the house, she’ll learn to occupy herself if left to her own devices.

I’d let her have more screen time too. I wouldn’t control it as much at this age. Just make a rule that screens are off by 9pm and at dinner times. It’s part of life now. Plus maybe she’ll leave you alone!

I have a boy. I tried covering my identity by saying ds was a girl but it didn’t work. Never mind.

I feel so bloody low right now. Posters are telling me I’m a wimp and that I’ve made a rod for my own back.

There’s an awful lot at play here.

1. Your depression which I’m not entirely convinced is directly related to your DS. What’s the rest of your life like? Do you like yourself? Like your job? Do you have friends? Is your relationship actually dead and you use DS as an excuse or buffer not to spend time together?
2. DS health issues. Why have you been at A&E ‘many times’ in the last month for a teenager? What’s going on?
3. Finally DS lack of ability to entertain himself and act his age

Can you give an overview of all that so we can help you?

It doesn't matter how you got there (and there will always be posters being nasty)

It's what you can do now that matters.

I repeat that he needs gently weaning off his dependency.

What does he do after school/holidays? I presume you're both still working?

It sounds like you’ve had a tough time OP. Creating some space for you and your H is important.
I think the suggestion to book a day off work and you do something as a couple is a good starting point. You are both too young to be losing your identities because you have a child.
As you have no family support, what about finding a babysitter - yes I know she’s 14 but I think you desperately need a break otherwise this marriage could crack under the strain.
Woukd your D like to join guides DofE or something similar where they do camps or similar? She needs to learn to be more independent and some clubs do lots of fun overnight stuff.
I think you need to stop putting your head in the sand & stop using your DD as an excuse for hibernating from life.

Sorry OP the hibernation comment was a tad thoughtless . I meant you need to work with you H as a couple . All relationships are important in a family x

@BrandNewSofa Have you had your DS assessed for any kind of behavioural difficulties? Some of the things you've said on this and previous threads are raising flags for me.

It sounds like it’s more that your son demands a lot of your time and you are finding it difficult to cope with this on top of dealing with work and you and your husband’s physical and mental health conditions. 14 is a funny age, not a child, not an adult. If he is dependent on you then you can definitely be kind but firm and introduce him to the idea that he cannot rely on you as his parents to entertain him 24/7. It’s part of growing up, it doesn’t have to be a big deal. Maybe a weekend away with just your husband would be a good start!

I feel so bloody low right now. Posters are telling me I’m a wimp and that I’ve made a rod for my own back.

Many have said consider SEN and ND - though what's normal at 12 and 14 does vary. At 12 I saw a lot of DS at 14 much less at 17 have to find activities to encourage him join us. He was later the DD to go out with mates as well with him sorting it - which did worry us but it did happen just later age 13/14.

I think your mental health is clearly playing a role here as well - you need to set boundaries with time - routine events outside house might help set expectations - and encourage alone activities within house. They are old enough to understand you need time alone - so clearly explain that that rather than stay quiet and get resentful.

I can't offer advice OP but hugs if you want them, I'm sorry things are so hard right now

As for IBS, pp who says it's controllable, that's luck. My mother has terrible phases with IBS, apparently since she was a child. You never know when or why a bad phase will hit, and trust me, aged 85, she's tried everything!

Op he is an only child, I think? Quite a few of my friends have this dynamic with an only. In order to provide company for their child they ended up doing everything and still do (now age 16) This is not unusual amongst our devoted parents/friends.

Boys especially are notorious for socialising on line and not so much in person.

Start slowly, invite his best friend (via mother) for supper or sleepover and leave them for an hour or two whilst you and dh go out. Build up slowly. Take days off and do something together?

I don’t think this is entirely your son, if you are traumatised and dealing with that, then you might be feeling mild depression.

It won’t be long before you pack him off to university. Hold on op. It’s so tough, if you parenting to the best of your ability maybe now you need to talk about how you take more care of you? 💐

Iv sen dc and they socialise o er electronics. They play online and have a group chat going on their phones. Weekends we pretty have allow free reign as that's their downtime

It's not normal for a 14yo child to need someone with them all the time, so I'd work on changing this. It sounds suffocating.

Why do they need you? Is it possible that they have done undiagnosed SEN?

Second, sounds like you would benefit from counselling to deal with your PTSD.

Op he is an only child, I think? Quite a few of my friends have this dynamic with an only. In order to provide company for their child they ended up doing everything and still do (now age 16) This is not unusual amongst our devoted parents/friends.

I’ve noticed this too although it’s not the done thing to say out loud. In some of the cases the only becomes very used to adult company, to the extent they don’t really know how to socialise with peers their own age outside of school. So constantly want to be involved in the adult things.

Hi OP, just jumping on here to say I'm so sorry you've had people being cruel and unsympathetic on here - I really feel for you, this situation sounds so tough. You're clearly an incredibly loving parent who was determined your child would have the loving family that you didn't, and your child clearly does feel very loved and safe with you, which is an amazing thing. There are clearly some unhelpful patterns of behaviour that have also come about but please don't beat yourself up about it, and neither should anyone else be beating you up. You are a good parent - if you weren't you wouldn't be on here asking for help.
I just did some googling on building independence and resilience in teenagers and found some resources that may be helpful. The second link cites chronic illness as one of the things that can trigger separation anxiety in teenagers.

• https://www.gohenry.com/uk/blog/family/encourage-independence-in-teenagers
• https://www.theyarethefuture.co.uk/separation-anxiety-in-teenagers/
• https://www.cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk/child-development-and-growing-up/encouraging-independence-in-young-people/

Good luck x

Also if your DH hasn't come across the FODMAP diet please get him to take a look. It has undergone clinical trials, peer-reviewed studies etc and found in about 80% of IBS sufferers it markedly improves symptoms. It was life changing for me.

OP things sound really hard. Please ignore the competitive Mumsnet 'copers'. There are always a few on every thread. I can't imagine coping with both working full time and everyone in the family having health needs without any family support at all close by

It probably seems too much to 'fix' but try thinking of little steps you can take to make things seem just a little better, one at a time. Could you try saying he needs to either help you with chores or go and do something else and give you space. He can't just follow you round nagging but not helping. He must have homework, can he read a book etc. Would a TV in his room help? Not ideal for screen time, but since my 14 yo had our old one in her room as a trial period, it is nice that we don't always have to watch the same things in the evening (but more often than not we do choose to a sit together). Could you encourage him to invite his friend round sometimes?

Sending sympathy your way x

So what actual age is your ds? Is he 14 or younger?

Maybe you need a straight talk with him where you explain why he needs to be less dependent on you. He has to be able to learn how to be on his own because that is a strength all humans need. Discuss why he cannot be on his own. Is he scared of being on his own? Maybe set out a list of tasks - read 3 pages of a book, tidy his room to loud music. Be clear it's to help him in the long term. He needs to start imagining what his life will be like away studying or in a job where you won't be.

My job is interesting and fulfilling but demanding. As for my relationship with dh, when the pressure is off us we are good, but we have been living under so much pressure for so long that our relationship has suffered and we get niggly about things.
No I don’t like myself. I am a waste of space.
I am sitting in tears here and I honestly just think the best thing is for my top myself. I’ve been struggling so much that I’ve been cutting myself lately. It’s all too much,

Totally feel where you are coming from. I had dc when I was quite young, I felt no one had warned me how hard it would be, the stress, the lack of sleep, the fact they may have disabilities, the illnesses and the teen years. If I had known how hard it would be I wouldn’t have had them. Of course I love them, they are part of me and are great human beings but I feel exhausted and now old, there are things I would have rather spent my time doing especially in my 20’s, things that I won’t get to do now.

Oh OP, please don't think that. You are a great mum who has built a fantastic bond with your son despite the problems you had in your childhood. You hold down a job where Im sure you are valued. You have at least 2 people who love you very much. You've done all that independently without much support. You are absolutely not a waste of space.

Please get some more real life mental health help. And remember it WILL get easier as he gets older.

A genuine question; do you think perhaps things would have been easier if he had a sibling - by that I mean if he had someone else to preoccupy his time other than you and husband? I appreciate it may be too late for that.

@BrandNewSofa no pet please don't lose belief in yourself. Please get help, right now. You are so loved by your family.

I have not read every single post but I wonder if, in hope of not repeating your own childhood and making sure your DS feels unconditionally loved, you have perhaps agreed to a lot (eg constant socialising) at the detriment of your own needs.

Quite frankly I do think it's time to be a bit more firm. He doesn't like to do household chores unless he's getting paid? Well tough because if he's going to be under your feet he will get assigned something to do! And then when he asks what you're doing next you can simply repeat that you are reading a book while he hoovers the living room as you've already discussed. If he complains keep repeating it. You will not be doing anything together until he does the chore he's been assigned and the next time he won't leave you alone while you clean the same thing will happen again. He can clean or he can go do his own thing. There's absolutely no reason he should be sat there watching you clean and hurrying you up.

I would definitely practice saying no more. If you are worried he will feel neglected or abandoned etc then remember that you can reassure him while maintaining your boundary.

I also imagine you perhaps see it as a "selfish" thing and think you "should" be entertaining him constantly. I would say to you that actually saying no is for his own benefit. At this age he should be able to entertain himself and really should be wanting more alone time than you two! In a few short years a lot of his peers (if not he himself!) will be off to uni alone.

A future partner or housemate or friend cannot entertain him constantly. I would urge you, when the guilt comes or he struggles to accept you telling him no, to consider how difficult adult life will be for him if he does not get past this. You're his parent - not his friend - and teaching him to be alone is an important but difficult lesson to learn. You are doing nothing wrong by saying no.