Having a child has ruined our lives.

[BrandNewSofa]

If that sounds like I don’t live my daughter then that’s not the case, I love her with every fibre of my being. I would walk through fire for her. She’s everything.

however.

Ever since she arrived me and DH have struggled with stress. From the off she had health problems- allergies and acid reflux. This then became years and years of croup/ chest infections/ wheezing and hideous coughs. We have become absolutely paranoid about being around anyone who might give her their lergy. In the last month we have been back and forth to a&e and the drs countless times. I’m exhausted. He is exhausted. The mental health toll it’s taken on us has been huge. We don’t have family to rely on. It’s just us. I remember before we had a child and we would enjoy chilled days and nights together and we were happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of happiness and fun and we have photos all over the house of us on days out etc together, but these health problems have ruled our lives.

in case anyone comes at me, I know that people have worse than this. I’m just dealing with what I’m facing.

i have felt broken the last few weeks. Dh is miserable and I am too. It feels like there is never anything but stress.

DD can be volatile and DH and her sometimes clash. Dh has ibs and spends a lot of time down about that too. I’m battling PTSD and often have nightmares. Everything is so hard all the time.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day. It’s utterly draining. I need ten minutes to myself here and there. I need to breathe.

i know nobody here can help me just beyond sad and exhausted.

My DS is 16 and barely wants me around! I basically do what I want now as long as I provide food for him! At 14 you should have some free time.

Sorry op this sounds so depressing 😞
My daughter just turned 14 and she can't get away from me fast enough lol
I'm the one trying to include her and getting sad over the fact that she's growing up too quickly.
I think despite the risks, you do need to let her go, encourage her to go to classes. When my daughter was about 10 she went through something like this, I had to explain to her very clearly that she needed to amuse herself when I'm busy
Sinple as that, she had no siblings until this year so she was a bit lonely I think
OBut for her sake and yours you need to encourage her to let go

Totally agree - my parents did shopping/gardening/housework/decorating at the weekends and we hung out on bikes in our road or neighbours gardens for the primary school years. When we were teenagers (12+), it was off into town (on the bus) with friends, lunch, cinema and just hanging out.

Ofcourse we had days out too, but I think its gone too far these days and parents are made to feel guilty if they’re not providing a holiday camp level of entertainment. Kids need to learn to entertain themselves from the youngest age.

Having a child ruins everyone's lives as they once knew them. Maybe "changes" is a better word, but not all changes are for the better! Your child isn't a little child anymore. Mine is 10 and goes outside playing with her friends, goes to the local shop, reads and draws, plays with her toys, watches TV/screentime, goes on play dates, does sports etc. This gives me time to do housework, work or whatever I need to get done. DS when he was 14 stayed home alone while I popped out for an hour or two. Once kids leave primary school they start venturing out into the world and start becoming their own person, separate from their parents. It's a necessary part of growing up and should be encouraged. When your child is 14 you can have a life of your own again, because they have a life of their own. If your DD doesn't, you need to help her find things to do for herself.

100% this. Weekends were mostly spent at home or being dragged round Tesco or B&Q! My parents would do housework or read their own books, watch sport on TV etc. and my sister and I just got on with it. A day out to soft play or something was only every few weeks and it was pretty exciting!

Obviously op has changed some of the details although I wouldn’t have thought it would make that much difference.

I also have a very needy child a bit older than yours. They do have diagnosed needs. It’s really hard but it does get a bit easier the older they get. Also mine does like technology and art so will do their own thing at home sometimes.

My dc never goes out and has no one to go out with. I did used to employ someone (an ex-teacher) to take them out sometimes eg to the cinema or ice-skating or Starbucks. That worked really well but the teacher moved.

The other evening they talked at me so much (more like ranting about something) I was exhausted. I actually nodded off to sleep and when I woke up, they were still non-stop talking. When I said, Please stop, they got really upset.

Do you get a break when she is at school?

My dd is like this but she has high anxiety and autism.

I did think from your op that your child was about four.

It sounds like you’ve continued to treat her as a small child, and that is now reflected in the level of dependency she has on you. At 14 I was desperate to get my parents off my back and spend my time out and about with friends and that’s how I would expect most teens to be. So many of them seem so anxious and needy now, I don’t think you’re alone in that.

Just tell her to go away and entertain herself. ‘We’re not doing anything today DD I have housework and then I’m meeting Jane for coffee. You’ll have to entertain yourself. Do you want a tenner to catch the bus and meet Amy for a coffee?’

If she continues to pester you just go out without her. ‘Bye DD, I’ve told you what’s happening and I’ll be back by 3. See you later’

She sounds anxious and unhealthily reliant on you. Cut the apron strings.

Goodness, that sounds like hard work. As others have said I assumed you were talking about a much younger child. At 14 she should be much more independent. I wonder if you and your husband being around at her beck and call so much now means she doesn’t know how to entertain herself. You say that of course your life should revolve around her, but I disagree. Obviously as your child you’re there for her when she needs you but you and her dad should also have your own lives not only for you but as role models for your daughter. I don’t think you’re preparing her well for her future life otherwise.
Hope you manage to change the dynamics

Surely if she says ‘what are we doing?’ and you don’t want to entertain her you just say ‘I’m going to watch TV/read/do the ironing’ and if she complains you say ‘well if you’re bored you can hoover/do the dishes/clean the bathroom’. It used to stop me complaining.

Do you drive her to and from school? If not, encourage her to find her independence after school - go with a friend to a coffee shop, to each other's houses, etc.
And drop the 2hr device rule - that's micromanaging at that age and will cut her off from friends

I missed that. Yes we both work. Both have demanding jobs.

How lovely of you to call us wimps. I have such awful ptsd that I suffer from flashbacks and nightmares constantly. My husband has his own separate trauma. Calling us wimps isn’t kind or helpful.

I thought you were talking about a 4/5 year old not a 14 year old!
you need to be less available, tell her you don't waat to do what she asks, be firm. she's old enough to be left on her own, you and dh go out on your own.

Could you ask the parents of the best friend if she can stay with them for a weekend, maybe to celebrate a birthday or anniversary or anything? You need some time on your own

No, it isn’t. I suspect the issue with posts like that is in their own weird way they are trying to give you a little shake. Gentle ‘you’re doing your best’ type posts rarely inspire action or highlight the gravity of the situation you’d slid into. I think these posters want things to change for you and think they’re being cruel to be kind.

I have a 4 year old girl and to be honest I thought your post was about a similar aged child. I don’t think I’ve ever read about such a codependency with an older child. You have 4 years before she’s an adult, in the nicest way if you want her to leave home and experience life, you have to turn it around pretty sharpish.

To answer the questions about the 2 hour rule, that’s just for PlayStation. If a friend of his wants to play with him, he can have longer. If wants to watch films or tv that’s fine.
why do I feel like I’ve always got to keep him company?! I feel mean if I say no.

before anyone jumps on me I knoooowwww full well everyone isn’t neurodivergent and sometimes they just have issues. Trust me I do. But just because I’m here reading this, I’d just mention that I’m adhd and I CANNOT be alone. I hate it. I always have. In the same way (apparently?!) people feel the need to have alone time, I literally feel the need to have people around me all the time.

it sounds like your daughter isn’t necessarily a socially acting like most 14 year olds if she’s not meeting up lots with friend and actively wants to be with her parents instead.

just wondering if there’s other things that might fit with some form of neurodivergence that just hasn’t been noticed yet.

https://www.cuh.nhs.uk/our-people/neurodiversity-at-cuh/what-is-neurodiversity/

maybe google each of these things and see if symptoms ring a bell.

otherwise, can you take time alone? It all sounds a bit Groundhog Day. If you have the money get a hotel 2 days. Friday you stay and relax, Saturday husband does. Or have her stay at a friends for a night? Or maybe even just call in sick one day together when she’s at school?

Is it a girl or a boy?

OP I'm so confused. Is this a son or daughter? You posted the same about your son last year, but this post was originally about a (slightly older) daughter.

Is this real as you’re changing between boy/girl?

To the poster who asked about me feeling responsible for my husband’s feelings, yes I do. If he is stressed or quiet I make it my business to try and sort it out. I’ve kind of ended up looking after him too. But he helps me when I’ve had nightmares etc so it works both ways somewhat.