Having a child has ruined our lives.

[BrandNewSofa]

If that sounds like I don’t live my daughter then that’s not the case, I love her with every fibre of my being. I would walk through fire for her. She’s everything.

however.

Ever since she arrived me and DH have struggled with stress. From the off she had health problems- allergies and acid reflux. This then became years and years of croup/ chest infections/ wheezing and hideous coughs. We have become absolutely paranoid about being around anyone who might give her their lergy. In the last month we have been back and forth to a&e and the drs countless times. I’m exhausted. He is exhausted. The mental health toll it’s taken on us has been huge. We don’t have family to rely on. It’s just us. I remember before we had a child and we would enjoy chilled days and nights together and we were happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of happiness and fun and we have photos all over the house of us on days out etc together, but these health problems have ruled our lives.

in case anyone comes at me, I know that people have worse than this. I’m just dealing with what I’m facing.

i have felt broken the last few weeks. Dh is miserable and I am too. It feels like there is never anything but stress.

DD can be volatile and DH and her sometimes clash. Dh has ibs and spends a lot of time down about that too. I’m battling PTSD and often have nightmares. Everything is so hard all the time.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day. It’s utterly draining. I need ten minutes to myself here and there. I need to breathe.

i know nobody here can help me just beyond sad and exhausted.

I have asthma and regular chest infections so I think it’s hereditary from me. My grandad was the same and coughed every day of his life.

I tried to put myself first yesterday evening- I told dc I was going to have a bath and I just got in and laid there for half an hour. He sat outside the door and chatted to me, bless him. As of this morning I’m starting putting my foot down with me-time, so I’m going to do some yoga and some garden tidying while he entertains himself.

Forgot to mention, I haven’t had a bath in years! Years!

Well done OP. That's a great start. Would it be possible to enlist DH to play a game with him, go for a walk with him or something next time so you can have your bath in peace? As part of looking after yourself, do consider going to your GP though, or at least be totally honest with your therapist.

That’s a very good start, glad you enjoyed your bath. Next step is to get DS away from the door so you can soak in blissful silence!

Hope you had a good night sleep OP. How are you feeling today?

Having a bath while listening to DS chat isn't exactly a break, but its a good start, good for you. maybe schedule another in the next few days on condition he stays downstairs? Baby steps..

Have you ever just told your ds that you need space. To just go downstairs and leave you alone whilst you are in the bath

I think by chatting to him through the door is saying that what he is doing is ok

Have you ever looked at this in the light of him one day being in a relationship and his partner is expected to be by his side 24/7 and can’t even take a bath without him being outside the bathroom door and he won’t help out doing chores unless he gets paid. He expects the other person to clean up after him.

I think that some tough love might be what’s needed and some structure to ease him out into the real world

Just as an observation reading your op it took a bit to realise you were talking about a much older child and not a baby/toddler

I think that maybe because of the initial issues you faced I think you maybe treat him like a much younger child

I think by 14 you should be able to tell your child to bugger off whilst you have a soak in the bath for 1/2 hour without them getting offended. Mainly because at 14 they don’t want you sitting outside the bathroom door chatting to them whilst they take a bath

I think boundaries need to be put in place

Not feeling great today but certainly not as dark as last night. I’m trying to put myself first for once and take what time I need for myself and to get things done. Dc is playing online with some friends at the moment and I’m not going to make him stick to the 2 hour rule, he can just get on with it. I’ve told myself I’m having some quiet yoga time and a bath during the day today.

Do you have a local wood near you or beauty spot? Put a coat on, grab your headphones and head out for a walk. Don’t tell anyone you’re going just leave a note saying you’ll be back later and just want a walk by yourself.

That's great OP. Don't martyr yourself on the alter of parenthood, it helps no-one, least of all yourself.

When you were in the bath ideally your dh should have realised your Ds was still talking to you and told him to leave you alone.

I wonder if your Ds is worried about you and that's part of the reason he doesn't want to leave you alone.

My children are both under 5 and I wouldn’t tolerate them talking to me through the door while I’m having a bath (unless an emergency obviously, but their dad would be watching them if I was in the bath). My DH and I teach them to respect our privacy by asking them to leave the other parent alone if they’re having some me time and moving them away if necessary. I wouldn’t even allow my 1 year old to sit and bother my DH for half an hour through the door.

I think you know this, but it sounds like there’s been a huge lack of boundaries in your house. You’re going to need to make it clear what you expect from now on - I’m going to have a bath and I’d like some alone time for 45 minutes, please don’t come and disturb me unless it’s an emergency. No wonder you’re at the end of your tether.

If you don’t teach this firmly now, he will treat friends and partners like this in adulthood and it will ruin a lot of relationships.

It sounds like your son spends most of his life online or hanging off you and your husband. Does he have friends he spends time with , hobbies etc? He doesn’t sound like he has a very normal life for a 14 year old and that’s why he behaves like a young child.

I'm sorry things are so tough op, I'm just coming back to this thread and it's moved on a lot.

How would your ds have reacted if you'd shouted in a light hearted tone "oh go away ds, I'm in the bath, I'll chat to you later"? Would he have got angry, cried, been offended?

Was your dh at home at the time? I'm imagining your ds would have just shrugged and wandered off to chat to his dad instead (I'm imagining this based on your description of your ds).

DH was at work on the bath day. But generally he does spend a lot of time with ds

What will happen if you tell your DS to give you a break or go and entertain himself for an hour?

OP I don't think you've outlined what your son would say/do if you told him to just leave you alone.

Are you projecting maybe that it will be a bigger deal than it will?

I know it's possibly a bit old fashioned, but does he read at all? You are never alone with fiction, or if not interested in fiction, then some sort of non-fiction depending what his interests are.

Or is there anything on the telly that you and DH want to watch, that he could watch with you?

Disclaimer: am old; spent many evenings at that age either reading, or sitting with my family watching telly - choice of 3 channels so we just watched the least worst thing sometimes, but at least we were all together but didn't have to interact with each other (1st half of 1960s)

How are things, OP?

Wow. I'm not through the whole thread yet (still on Mondays posts) and I'm wondering if some posters have even read the first few OPS where it's explained -

DD had childhood illnesses (which I'm guessing have a huge impact on development and independence anyway)

OP has no family to lean on. Zero.

DD is an only child

These must control hugely to where OP is now. Absolute there have probably been missed opportunities to help DD gain independence along the way but this background will have had an impact above and beyond what most of us have had to cope with,

I'm agreeing with what some very helpful posters have added in terms of "Start from where you are now " and the practical but realistic suggestions so far

Off to read FT now

Actually I may have the only child bit wrong? Doh. My bad if so.

Ahh ok. Have read TFT now.

Have you ever told him to leave you alone for an hour?

Hi guys. Today was a bit of a better day. I told ds I was going out for a walk while he played PlayStation with a friend. I enjoyed the sun on my face and listened to a podcast. Then I told him I was going to the garden centre while he played chess with dh. After lunch I did some gardening for a while and let ds do whatever while I got on with it. I spent an hour with him this afternoon and we just ate dinner together. I think I’m doing better with creating space for myself.

im not feeling great physically. Had antibiotics for a chest infection the other week and I’ve been having awful acid reflux ever since. I’ve got a hiatus hernia so I’m feeling quite yuck.