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Having a child has ruined our lives.

304 replies

BrandNewSofa · 12/02/2024 10:27

If that sounds like I don’t live my daughter then that’s not the case, I love her with every fibre of my being. I would walk through fire for her. She’s everything.

however.

Ever since she arrived me and DH have struggled with stress. From the off she had health problems- allergies and acid reflux. This then became years and years of croup/ chest infections/ wheezing and hideous coughs. We have become absolutely paranoid about being around anyone who might give her their lergy. In the last month we have been back and forth to a&e and the drs countless times. I’m exhausted. He is exhausted. The mental health toll it’s taken on us has been huge. We don’t have family to rely on. It’s just us. I remember before we had a child and we would enjoy chilled days and nights together and we were happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of happiness and fun and we have photos all over the house of us on days out etc together, but these health problems have ruled our lives.

in case anyone comes at me, I know that people have worse than this. I’m just dealing with what I’m facing.

i have felt broken the last few weeks. Dh is miserable and I am too. It feels like there is never anything but stress.

DD can be volatile and DH and her sometimes clash. Dh has ibs and spends a lot of time down about that too. I’m battling PTSD and often have nightmares. Everything is so hard all the time.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day. It’s utterly draining. I need ten minutes to myself here and there. I need to breathe.

i know nobody here can help me just beyond sad and exhausted.

OP posts:
Shiningout · 12/02/2024 10:28

How old is your child? Sorry if I missed it but can't see

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/02/2024 10:28

How old is your dd now?

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2024 10:29

I hope no one comes at you. You’re struggling and exhausted, anyone would be. Is she at school?

No advice, just sympathy 💐💐💐

BrandNewSofa · 12/02/2024 10:30

She is 14 now.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 12/02/2024 10:31

Does she have special needs op?

BrandNewSofa · 12/02/2024 10:31

@Comedycook a speech problem, but otherwise no.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 12/02/2024 10:32

Now is the time to make time for yourselves - all three and just the two of you doing things you enjoy. At 14 it’s the time adults start feeling more independence. Take the step and enjoy it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/02/2024 10:33

Does she have friends?

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 12/02/2024 10:33

At 14 she shouldn't be so clingy, it's okay to tell her no.

That said that's part of parenting Illnesses etc. one of mine has diabetes and it's just constant 24/7 never ending, worse when he catches something to the point i get angry when people visit and they have a cold so I do sympathise with that.
But it's time for her to act more her age; start putting in boundaries.

MajesticWhine · 12/02/2024 10:35

That does sound really draining. Why does she need you with her all the time? That doesn't sound right. Is she managing independent things like journey to school, going to the shops?
What health conditions does she have? My eldest DD has bad allergies and asthma and it is a worry. But I don't think it necessitates avoid catching germs, that's just a part of life.

Mischance · 12/02/2024 10:37

Lots of sympathy from me - parenthood can be so challenging, and every child is different.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day.

I am sure you know that this is something that needs to be tackled, but I do understand that when you are feeling drained it is sometimes easier to give in. I am guessing (maybe wrongly) that your DD's precarious health might have something to do with this impasse being created. It is not something that is tolerable, either for you or her. Maybe you could find a way of gently easing this - of making it clear that she has to learn to spend time amusing herself - it does all depend on her age as to how this might be achieved.

I am sorry that life is so hard for you all at the moment.

Duolingo · 12/02/2024 10:38

That sounds hard op. Even without health issues, I didn't appreciate before that being a (good) parent involves never again knowing true peace!

It sounds like an unusual level of clinginess in a 14 year old, hopefully you can get to the bottom of it. And as she matures just that bit more you will hopefully be able to start building a more 'adult' relationship and move away from 'dependant child' just a bit which would be nice for all of you.

Comedycook · 12/02/2024 10:39

In the nicest possible way, I honestly don't really see the issue? Presumably she's in school? Ok she's clingy but is she actually badly behaved?

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 12/02/2024 10:40

I hear you! It's tough. Can only echo the good advice above about carving time for yourselves individually and as a couple. Not sure how active parents with full on social lives really manage but I think even the most glitzy and glamorous, busy and active on the outside, still face all the day to day relentless drudgery at the same time.

MinervatheGreat · 12/02/2024 10:40

This might be an absolutely useless idea, but could your DD cope with a summer camp of some description such that if she was away for a week of two in a well organised protective environment you could relax a bit with your DH?

If you had such a break (and you can afford it) to look fwd to, would that help your mental health? There might be a charity that can help or point you in the right direction? Ask around/GP etc. Mr Google too.

Is it time for your DD to learn a little bit of independence away from you two?

I hope I’m sowing a seed of thinking “outside the box” so you two can have a bit of peace.

Mischance · 12/02/2024 10:41

Just spotted that she is 14. As she is so old, then maybe you could just spell out to her that you cannot be with her all the time and she must find things to do to amuse herself.

Another way forward might be to organise a nice trip out for you, or you and DH, and just tell her she must fettle for herself for a couple of hours - she is certainly old enough to do that. She will protest, but if you stick to your guns she will get used to it. You and she can have your mobiles with you so if anything serious occurs you are not out of contact. Most girls of 14 cannot wait to get their parents out of the picture and do stuff for themselves without them!

It sounds as if a pattern/habit has been set and that this needs changing. You may have to gird up your loins for a bit of flack!

Mumoftwo1312 · 12/02/2024 10:42

Can you widen her circle of people who support her - for example grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc? Sometimes relatives are more likely to step up when a child gets older and they don't have to do physical care. (For example I have younger cousins that I never got involved with until they were early teens, then I started taking them for days out etc). This could give you a bit of a break so you're not always on

Deafening · 12/02/2024 10:42

That does not sound typical for a 14 year old. Does she have friends? Do they not get out and socialise?

Comedycook · 12/02/2024 10:42

Ok I see you say she's volatile.

I also see you say you have PTSD and your dh has IBS. I think you need to not necessarily blame your dd for how you're feeling. Illnesses are hard whether you have children or not. Looking back to your youth pre kids and pining for it is pointless. Life changes even without kids in the frame.

BrandNewSofa · 12/02/2024 10:42

Yes she does have friends and hobbies which she gets involved in but her main hobby is quieter in winter. She has a best friend but for some reason they don’t seem to hang out outside of school despite messaging back and forth. She walks herself home from school and goes to the shops with friends sometimes on the way back.
me and dh desperately need some time just for us. Our relationship is entirely based around her. Our lives are based around her. That’s how it should be, but it’s got utterly exhausting.

OP posts:
BrandNewSofa · 12/02/2024 10:43

@Mumoftwo1312 we have zero family around sadly. That’s a whole other story.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 12/02/2024 10:44

When she wants to be with you...what does that look like? I mean I have a dd13, we sit together in the evening and watch TV together, she might do some crafts . I'm sitting there so I'm with her but it's not a huge input from me...does your dd demand more from you than just being present?

leggorama · 12/02/2024 10:45

I have older children, my youngest is year 13 but Dh and I made a point of spending time alone together at least some evenings. We would have a family dinner every night but then some nights were just me and Dh chilling in the lounge. You need to carve time out for yourselves. It isn't like you are leaving her alone on an evening but you need to build up to that. With phones and laptops it isn't like there isn't anything for them to do or watch.

Also take days off together just you and your Dh whilst she is in school, Dh and I did this too. We are going for afternoon tea at a beautiful location shortly, just strolling round the grounds, afternoon tea then home snuggled up for a lovely afternoon nap.

I have just seen your update. No, you need to carve time out to be together not just as a family of 3. Yes children are important but so is your relationship with your husband. You are both close to burn out, start prioritising yourselves, she is 14 not 4, she understands relationships.

MinervatheGreat · 12/02/2024 10:45

You do not have to sacrifice yourselves on “the altar of parenthood.”
Tough love.
Start stepping away.
it all sounds a bit co-dependent.
There's some good advice on here.

ReturnOfFatBack · 12/02/2024 10:48

Are her allergies life threatening? Is she in some way scared to be away from you?

DD is 13 and spends a lot of time in her room while we watch telly in the living room. Does your DD want to be physically beside you all the time?