Having a child has ruined our lives.

[BrandNewSofa]

If that sounds like I don’t live my daughter then that’s not the case, I love her with every fibre of my being. I would walk through fire for her. She’s everything.

however.

Ever since she arrived me and DH have struggled with stress. From the off she had health problems- allergies and acid reflux. This then became years and years of croup/ chest infections/ wheezing and hideous coughs. We have become absolutely paranoid about being around anyone who might give her their lergy. In the last month we have been back and forth to a&e and the drs countless times. I’m exhausted. He is exhausted. The mental health toll it’s taken on us has been huge. We don’t have family to rely on. It’s just us. I remember before we had a child and we would enjoy chilled days and nights together and we were happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of happiness and fun and we have photos all over the house of us on days out etc together, but these health problems have ruled our lives.

in case anyone comes at me, I know that people have worse than this. I’m just dealing with what I’m facing.

i have felt broken the last few weeks. Dh is miserable and I am too. It feels like there is never anything but stress.

DD can be volatile and DH and her sometimes clash. Dh has ibs and spends a lot of time down about that too. I’m battling PTSD and often have nightmares. Everything is so hard all the time.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day. It’s utterly draining. I need ten minutes to myself here and there. I need to breathe.

i know nobody here can help me just beyond sad and exhausted.

So sorry you are having such a hard time, PTSD is so hard (I have it too). Please come over to the stately homes thread for a bit of moral support. We are all different but similar in that we have had toxic family growing up. Most of us are NC or LC so we know how draining that also is.

Of course you and your hubby are worn out you’ve been doing everything alone no support for 14years without a break.

You need to try to work our new routines and hobbies etc that are healthy for everyone. So everyone gets some time alone, family time, parent and child time and parent only time.

Not sure if it’s an option but how about your child looking for a PT job just a couple of hours per week? Or otherwise a hobby based class, I’m thinking something like warhammer which gets the teen out of the house with an activity in a really safe environment. You would know they are safe so your hyper vigilance etc wont kick in, it just depends on if you live close to anywhere though.

And remember you are amazing you have given your child the childhood you did not have x

Also OP, I wouldn't be taking any parenting advice from posters who show a complete lack of empathy, or understanding that not everyone is exactly like them / their children. Seriously if someone says they don't understand why having IBS would get you down sometimes, or PTSD impact how you feel about parenting, then they really are not someone whose opinion you should be letting get on top of you. I shudder for their children if they are ever less than perfect or have any negative feelings at all!

A genuine question; do you think perhaps things would have been easier if he had a sibling - by that I mean if he had someone else to preoccupy his time other than you and husband? I appreciate it may be too late for that.

DH is an only child - learnt to occupy himself at an early age and was happy enough as a child - IL did encourage friendships but he read a lot and did many crafts and self propelled activities He to this day very happy in his own company - much more than I am - I prefer to do stuff with people which I'm always told as a grown woman on MN is a failing. I grew up with two only children in my cohort - they are both very similar to DH in that they are happy in their own company.

I'd suggest OP you get seen by a GP - and access more mental health support. I do wonder if you declining mental health is impacting on your DS behavior - that he knows something is wrong. I would also suggest approaching GP and SENCO at school and discussing whether ADHD or ASD fits him and if a diagnosis should be considered.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

There are lots of issues here. You’re already in counselling, you need to seek medical health for your declining mental health.

BUT

he’s 14. What would happen if, on Saturday, you said to him “fend for yourself son, me and your dad are off to the pub for a few hours” and you left him to it?
he’s 14. That should be absolutely fine.

Have time away. Have a date afternoon.

Is there a residential she can do to do with one of her hobbies?
Invite her bf to yours for a weekend in the hope it’ll be reciprocated?

I don’t know if my husband loves me anymore. If he sees I’m sad or whatever he will always try and make me laugh or cheer me up, but we have become so bogged down in all of our troubles that I don’t feel love radiating from him very often.
he feels the same way I do about our lives. We are both utterly spent. We are overwhelmed with everyone in the house’s health worries and various problems. There is little time for joy and fun, everything is so fucking hard.
im standing sobbing in the kitchen I can’t do this anymore.

No, the answer isn't to top yourself you're just passing your PSTD onto your child do you want that? No you don't.
Your child loves you and needs you op.

Please get some therapy. Your son maybe he has some sort of special needs? It's not normal for a 14 year old boy to be so clingy.

Maybe raise the screen time to 3 hours, give yourself that extra hour it will help and it won't hurt him. Does he not have any friends he can see or hang out with?
Maybe get him into some clubs like martial arts or board game club?

Sounds like it's not having a daughter that has ruined your life, but how a combination of factors have accumulated and resulted in you both feeling very tired, fed-up and demotivated. Imagine your life like a ball rolling down a hill and as it rolls down this hill it increases in size as it accumulates all of your life issues, thoughts etc.
familyissues+estrangement+feelingsofabandonment+husband+child+work+missingthefamilyyouwishyouhad+dailylife etc - it builds up. It may help to sit down and make a decision to move upwards as a family - perhaps look at how your DD can get out more and spend more time with people her age. You may like to consider taking up a sport/hobby with your husband or a friend. I I really believe that once you all work on yourselves and find some independence again, you'll enjoy being together more. You can do this!

Oh op.

Is the PSTD linked to your parenting or something else completely?

Then @BrandNewSofa go out! With your husband! Your child is 14. Leave him at home and leave him to it.

have you got a Starbucks / Costa / other coffee shop in a 15 min radius? Get in the car and go. Have a drink. Have a cake. Both of you.

I fear nobody will talk to me if you move this to MH.

The abuse I suffered as a kid.

Just keep talking here. Don't stop saying how and what you feel. Stay with us, OP.

The positive is you sound like lovely parents and are not repeating the history of your childhood . I am sure the medical appointments and coping with everything else is very hard . My grandson has problems and it makes organising life very difficult. Does your son have any interests such as art or mechano or robot building ? Something you can encourage that he can do on his own . And yes you and your OH need time out alone . Even if it’s half an hour at a time . Are there things such as hiking that your OH a could do with your son to give you a break ? Nothing changes if nothing changes and you need a good long chat with your partner because I don’t think this is all about your child .

What do I do? I’m sat on the bathroom floor now just sobbing. All I wanted was a family of my own but I’m stuck in a nightmare.

Hang it there OP and keep talking. How you're feeling is valid and you have articulated your feelings well. There are things that can help and things can get better in time. When you think back to good times, what things made you smile and feel happy? Keep talking...

I am resentful towards my husband for shutting down sometimes and taking himself off for a breather. We haven’t coped well with being parents at all.

My husband and I being together before we had a child. He is my best friend. Holidays, meals out, stuff like that. Ts all gone.

Is there a reason you can't do the same? Does he refuse to stay with your son for a bit while you go and have a bit of me time? (I know ideally your son would be OK to be left alone for a bit but we're talking about the actual situation.)

It's obviously all really hard for you right now, OP, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. The more you talk, the more I think your son is only part of what's making everything so tough and it's not simply having him that caused the issues. Keep talking it through here in a way that helps you and ignore any twats. I think you are starting to get a clearer picture of what's really at the root of your troubles and while you'll obviously always have pain, I really do think that once you know what the problems really are, you'll also see there are ways to heal and move forward.

That won't be forever. It'll come back. You're still the people you were, you've just got lots of stuff to deal with on top of all that. It's still there. One day you'll be home alone together, with nothing to do but be like that again (as well as your jobs etc). It happens to all of us. I regularly tell my DC "can you go away now please, daddy and I need to talk", and "can you please just go and do something in your room until dinnertime, I need time to think". That's not rejection, it's teaching them boundaries and how to be respectful of other people. You have an only child, all the more reason for him to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him and absolutely will not outside of your home.

You'll get there. It sounds like the fundamentals are there. You just have a lot, A LOT, going on.

Oh OP you’re not useless or a waste of space. Your son and husband need you. Please go and speak to your GP and be totally honest. They will be able to offer more help. One day at a time with your son, you can encourage him to do more for himself. Drop the screen time rule or make it more generous and you’ll find he will engage with his friends more

It's not gone. You can get that back and more. You still have each other, but like everything that stands the rest of time, it sometimes requires a bit of work. Come on girl, you don't belong on that bathroom floor! One day at a time. Make a few changes and see how you go. Give the Samaritans a call too, as it may take the edge off a bit.

Then get these back. I have left my kids many times over the years for holidays without them, many evenings out when a babysitter would have them, but at 14 you don’t even need one, just tell him you and dad need to spend some time one on one, offer a friend to come over. He will soon adapt

If I tell the GP I’ve been self harming won’t they see me as an unfit parent