Having a child has ruined our lives.

[BrandNewSofa]

If that sounds like I don’t live my daughter then that’s not the case, I love her with every fibre of my being. I would walk through fire for her. She’s everything.

however.

Ever since she arrived me and DH have struggled with stress. From the off she had health problems- allergies and acid reflux. This then became years and years of croup/ chest infections/ wheezing and hideous coughs. We have become absolutely paranoid about being around anyone who might give her their lergy. In the last month we have been back and forth to a&e and the drs countless times. I’m exhausted. He is exhausted. The mental health toll it’s taken on us has been huge. We don’t have family to rely on. It’s just us. I remember before we had a child and we would enjoy chilled days and nights together and we were happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of happiness and fun and we have photos all over the house of us on days out etc together, but these health problems have ruled our lives.

in case anyone comes at me, I know that people have worse than this. I’m just dealing with what I’m facing.

i have felt broken the last few weeks. Dh is miserable and I am too. It feels like there is never anything but stress.

DD can be volatile and DH and her sometimes clash. Dh has ibs and spends a lot of time down about that too. I’m battling PTSD and often have nightmares. Everything is so hard all the time.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day. It’s utterly draining. I need ten minutes to myself here and there. I need to breathe.

i know nobody here can help me just beyond sad and exhausted.

me and dh desperately need some time just for us. Our relationship is entirely based around her. Our lives are based around her. That’s how it should be, but it’s got utterly exhausting.

No, that's not how it should be, not by this age. She's old enough to understand that you need some time alone, and just with your DH.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day.

She's being unreasonable, and she will need to learn how to cope alone for periods of time as she approaches adulthood. You probably need to learn how (and when) to say no to her instead of pandering like she's a small child.

She needs to be able to amuse herself without a reliance on you or her dad or a phone.
I tell my DC when their screen time has expired that they can go to the library/read a book/do some painting/drawing listen to the radio/go for a walk etc but they have to find something for themselves that doesn't include me.
Mine are a little bit younger than your daughter so not at the age for gym membership, but maybe this could be an idea for you and then she can occupy herself there?
Maybe she could get a part time job eg paper round? Volunteer somewhere?

Sorry but I disagree that your relationship should be built around her.
As parents of an only child yes in the first year or so our lives did revolve around her but it has always been important to me that she also learns to fit in around us. So we each have separate hobbies which require time away from the house, I've travelled with work and we have encouraged her independence away from us. Obviously we have lots of family time as well but there is a balance that can be reached.
I understand that it is difficult with a poorly child but I am an Only child and was very poorly in my first 5 years but my parents still made sure that they had time away from me, their own hobbies and built my own independence from them.

This then became years and years of croup/ chest infections/ wheezing and hideous coughs.

I had that with DS - then I had it as well for a few years. We both in ended up at GP in full asthma attack and finally got diagnosed - despite family history of asthma and DS having eczema and me asking due to his breathing if it could be that. I was a few years after him and had reached point I dreaded winter - but within six month of being on inhalers it stopped being an issue for both of us.

I also think it's odd at 14 that she can't be along - by kids were super clingy but all by 14 were fine in rooms by themselves - though not uncommon to have them in same room as with TV on and them on phones - at 14 didn't find that a huge drain TBH.

When I say she wants our attention all day long I mean just that. Unless she’s on her phone or the PlayStation she wants one of us sitting with her or entertaining her- board games, going out, chatting, etc. sometimes when I’m trying to do housework she nags me to hurry up and finish. I’m exhausted. It’s always ‘what are we doing today? What are we doing after that? And what are we doing after that?’ I don’t bloody know!!! Unless she’s on a device she is incapable of being without us. It’s like she relies on us to entertain her.

I felt like DD needed an adult sitting with her every moment of the day when she was 5. But not at age 14! Mine are now 12 and 15 and will mostly tell me to go away because they want to do their own thing.

it sounds like your family have got stuck in an odd dynamic of being on-top-of-each other all the time. you need to find ways to help your child develop independence from you, and for you to be independent from her.

does she do homework on her own at home? do any craft / music practice / cooking etc in the house without you?

can she put on a load of laundry / go to a local shop to buy extra ingredients / clean and tidy her bedroom on her own? Teach her to do these things independently so that she has her own skills and you don't have to do them for her.

This probably isn’t very helpful but you are all stuck together in a cycle of high alert. One of you needs to step off fight or flight mode to break the loop. Look into TMS therapy or something for ptsd, or anything to calm your nerves over the short term

sometimes when I’m trying to do housework she nags me to hurry up and finish.

Stating the obvious, you'd be finished quicker if she helps you rather than pestering you!

She needs to learn to organise her own time, at least some of the time.

And if she nags about housework, give her her own jobs to do around the house. My 14/15 year olds can do all their own laundry, cook a simple meal, load the dishwasher, wrap a birthday present, clean the bathroom (if really nagged about it). These are all life skills and help a child be more independent.

You need to take the leap to say no. Try something like at weekends, plan out the day and say you'll do xyz, play with her for a bit in the afternoon, chores for a bit, x amount of time together in the evening. Just learn to say no and she will step up and find something to occupy herself with.

She might get annoyed, frustrated, angry - but it won't harm her. Boredom is a part of life and you're not an entertainer.

I think it's easy to fall into this pattern when you have an only child - with more than one, it's tough luck because they literally can't possibly have your full attention the whole time.

When my grandmother was 14 she left school and went into work, just to give it some perspective. She's capable of way more than your current system is allowing for. If she's not asking for independence, she might need a little nudge.

At that age you wouldn’t see either of mine for dust if I was cleaning just in case I asked them to help.
It sounds really difficult. What would happen if you gave her tasks to do away from you? Walk to the shops, plan and make a meal? She needs to start finding her independence.

Yes give her jobs around the house that will stop her asking 😂
Hoovering, washing the car, tidy her room, clearing out unused clothes/toys for charity, changing her bedding, dusting, sorting and putting clothes away, unloading the dishwasher, weeding....honestly I am never stuck for ideas for mine 😂

She only wants to do jobs if she’s earning pocket money! She has a habit of leaving crap lying around the floor and I nag her to clean up after herself. She can go and get bits from the shop but after a friend of out’s daughter was nearly abducted by a man dragging her into his car nearby last year we have been concerned about letting her go far.
How do I instigate her being more independent? Tell her she needs to amuse herself more?

Most parents would want their teens to spend time with them. I think a family calendar would help so she isn't pestering so she knows when 'her' time is, make a list together of things she can do so she's not asking you and have appropriate stuff in or she can go and get it from the shop, baking stuff, art materials etc.

I would say she doesn't sound like a typical teenager though, my 14 year old is autistic and isn't like that, although she's much more likely to do an activity if I set some bits out as otherwise it's out of sight out of mind.

What happen if you said no “I’m going to do the washing, then I’m going to read/go for a walk, stare at the wall (better hobbies are available) until 3 and then I can spend some with you. Until then you need to entertain yourself.”

You’re doing her a disservice by not giving her the space to learn how to entertain herself.

I think this is quite unusual at 14.

As teens, mine want to be with their mates not me - they to go into town, gym (the older one), park, football matches etc with mates. With money from us of course!

They also hang out at each others houses and have sleepovers.

Could you give Dd some money to go into town with a friend and have lunch and do a bit of shopping or whatever she likes doing? Or have a friend over - maybe for sleepover- so they can entertain each other and hopefully your DD will be invited over to the friends at a later date so you'll have a free house?

How about clubs? Drama? Street dance? football? Netball?

Also get her off screens so she has to find something else to do - does she have screen time limits? Most teens would probably sit at a screen all day if you let them.

It's not that hard - you need to learn to say no. She wants someone with her unless she's doing screen time.

So she says you should sit with her and do something - say no, I'm doing something else. Doesn't she read books?

The abduction stuff is scary but ultimately, that could happen right outside your door or three miles from it - she needs to go out by herself at some point. Being wrapped up indoors will only stop her from learning instincts and skills in how to look after herself.

She is at an age when she should start being more independent, and you should be able to get your life back a bit more if she is. There should be no reason you and DH can't, say, go for a walk for a few hours with DD at home, or even go to a local restaurant or cinema with her at home in the day or evening (we were doing this when oldest was 14).

I think it is extra hard when there is health anxiety and I am not sure what the best way to deal with this is, maybe some family counselling to talk about how you can all enjoy life more and feel less anxious/trapped?

When I say she wants our attention all day long I mean just that. Unless she’s on her phone or the PlayStation she wants one of us sitting with her or entertaining her-

Are you sure there's no SEN or ND here - as that's not typical 14 year old behavior.

Though most kids by late primary have had some time to entertain themselves - though at those ages sometime it was doing their own thing in same room as us. I guess I knew some early teens 12-13 who struggled but they'd had a childhood of rushing to one organise activity to another non stop but with busy parents they did learn to organise stuff themselves.

See I've told my DC, that that is not how a family works. I don't get paid for hoovering, putting clothes away etc it's part of being a family, helping each other out when there are jobs to be done that no one would really choose to do it they didn't have to.

I have a daughter the same age and is there a reason you can't leave her home alone or with a friend and go out with your husband? It's very unusual for you to have to entertain a teen all day long.

Can she get a weekend job? Meet friends more often? Take up another hobby?

At 14 surely the end is in sight and you need to be letting go a bit? I'm not convinced the way you feel is actually down to having a child either - you and your husband both have health problems and you are 14 years older than you were when you had her, so naturally you don't feel the same.

14 year olds are messy and argumentative and welded to their phones, and you don't have to fix that - it is not possible. Just crack on for another four years, and she will sort herself out at university like everyone else.

I can't believe this. I was expecting you to say your child was 3-4-5 ish. Not 14!! And here is my 15 yo complaining that I won't let her go to London on her own with her mates for a week 😂

You need to let your daughter learn how to be bored and figure out a way to entertain herself. Work on building up her self esteem doing simple things like cleaning up after herself ( if she doesn't bin her stuff/remove it for a week). Get some paint and tell her to paint her room. Buy some flat pack furniture for her room and give her the tools and walk away. Stop jumping every time she asks. You sound rather passive tbh, like she's The Boss and you are the underling.

If you are exhausted after 14 years of this and think she ruined your life, it's going to be nigh on impossible for her to find a partner that will put up with her for anywhere near that long. So you need to make changes NOW.

Could you send her on a pgl holiday for a week/end regularly?

What is the speech problem? My Dd is super clingy. Akways has been. Wants one of us with her. She’s 17 and ASD. This is why l wondered about the speech issue. It’s often a problem for ND.

This is unusual for a 14 year old.

You say that she goes to school on her own and that she has gone to the shops on her own but since a an attempted abduction of a friends child she doesn't any more.

Obviously you need to build independence, in a lot of ways.

In the past has she done any sports or music or drama? Would she be interested in starting something? A lot of kids develop independence through socialising with others at extra curricular things.

Scouts and guides are really good for that kind of thing as well.

Worst case at 14 if she is worried about leaving you you could find family exercising - park run or similar. We all started a martial art when my kids were that age as they were doing no exercise.

If she is spending time with you can she help with cooking /cleaning etc? Again at that age you would normally be looking to her doing chores and learning to cook. If she's going to spend time with you she might as well be useful!