Having a child has ruined our lives.

[BrandNewSofa]

If that sounds like I don’t live my daughter then that’s not the case, I love her with every fibre of my being. I would walk through fire for her. She’s everything.

however.

Ever since she arrived me and DH have struggled with stress. From the off she had health problems- allergies and acid reflux. This then became years and years of croup/ chest infections/ wheezing and hideous coughs. We have become absolutely paranoid about being around anyone who might give her their lergy. In the last month we have been back and forth to a&e and the drs countless times. I’m exhausted. He is exhausted. The mental health toll it’s taken on us has been huge. We don’t have family to rely on. It’s just us. I remember before we had a child and we would enjoy chilled days and nights together and we were happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of happiness and fun and we have photos all over the house of us on days out etc together, but these health problems have ruled our lives.

in case anyone comes at me, I know that people have worse than this. I’m just dealing with what I’m facing.

i have felt broken the last few weeks. Dh is miserable and I am too. It feels like there is never anything but stress.

DD can be volatile and DH and her sometimes clash. Dh has ibs and spends a lot of time down about that too. I’m battling PTSD and often have nightmares. Everything is so hard all the time.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day. It’s utterly draining. I need ten minutes to myself here and there. I need to breathe.

i know nobody here can help me just beyond sad and exhausted.

no they won't...its so important you seek help OP, please tell someone. its impossible to parent a child well when we are not well ourselves. this can get better.

I would consider neurodiversity as your son’s clinginess is outside the normal range, to my mind, for his age.
As you have no respite, your only alternative for respite is to also take yourself off. We have no one and teen DD is autistic. She’s not exhausting to me but I do find I benefit from taking myself off. I’ve been to Paris and London alone, or visited people alone. I wish do would do things like that too, but he prefers to do hem with me.

No, they won’t see you as an unfit parent. You would be asking for help, which is the responsible thing to do.

Nothing you have said suggests he doesn't love you. You are both just ground down by everything. Would working towards going out just the two of you for a couple of hours be something you could do. Explain it to DC as increasing his independence for adult life, giving him responsibility, trusting him etc. maybe coffee or lunch if the evening seems too big a step.

And also make sure your DH knows you are struggling and need time to yourself regularly too, whilst he spends time with DC (and of course offer him vice versa but I think you already do?) Just for a walk,exercise, read a book in a coffee shop. Whatever would help you. Or him take your son out while you garden, potter round house etc on your own (seriously the thing I miss most about being 4 days a week in work was just being in my own in the house sometimes!)

You need professional help, OP, and so does your DS. Nobody will see you as an unfit parent, just as an unwell one with a challenging child.

Take it from someone who was brought to the brink of suicide by parenting: there is help out there and it can, and will, get better.

I can’t remember the last time he said I love you. I feel like I see it in his eyes and when he yanks me across the sofa for a cuddle but I dunno.
I self harmed. It hasn’t made me feel any better.

Oh @BrandNewSofa I just want to come and look after you (in a not-creepy way!)

You need some real TLC, both of you do.

You are not a wimp or anything of the sort and you're clearly a wonderful and loving mum. Ignore the posts from people who think you need to pull up your parenting. You just need a break.

Please do talk to your gp, they're not going to think you're an unfit parent, they will help look after you and get you both support.

Please, please don't despair. When things feel this dark and hard, I promise they don't last. We're here for you- keep talking to us x

That sounds like love! How did you two meet?

When is your next therapy session?

At university.

Therapy is in a week’s time. Wish it was sooner.

I can’t keep holding everything together.

OP, it sounds like you're in a dark place at the minute, have you spoken of your self harm/suicidal thoughts with your therapist? I urge you to tell them asap. Having a mental health crisis doesn't make you an unfit parent, it makes you someone in need of help.

I must say from your OP I did assume you were talking about a child of 8 or younger, at 14 it's typical that a teen would be able to busy themselves, so perhaps there is something else at play here.

Assuming your DS has no obvious ND issues that would be a safety concern, why not arrange with your DH to go out for lunch this weekend? Tell your DS he isn't invited and that you and DH need some bonding time, at 14 he should understand that. Take yourselves out, even if it's just for an hour for a coffee shop bite or a walk in the fresh air.

Try to build this routine into your weekends going forward, start with an hour out of the house with your DH, then build it up from there.

You don't have to do expensive things, check out your local leisure centers, these days many have spas with jacuzzis and steam rooms- my county is £10 for non members to use the spa and it's lovely and relaxing, build up to that and a lunch out (even if it's a picnic lunch due to affordability, and a cuppa from a flask).

You would definitely benefit from carving out some time for the two of you to reconnect.

Me too. We were 19, same class. It seems like we were just kids looking back. I sometimes wonder is it harder for couples who are together longer because we had just each other for so long then boom baby changed everything.

Your dc reminded me a bit of my sister. There was a big age gap so she was the only child at home and quite needy even as a teenager. One year my parents sent her to a residential camp and went off abroad on holiday without telling her!!

I don't think there's anything abnormal about your daughter, op, for being clingy with you. She's still young and it's an awkward age.

I also know a girl who is such a homebody that none of us thought she'd stick out university - she came home all the time at first! She just loves being at home with her parents. Incidentally, she also had a lot of health problems as a baby & child.

Your daughter will spread her wings when she is ready to, but in the meantime if & when you want some space it's perfectly fine to tell her to give you some.

If it makes it easier, remind yourself that in doing so you're teaching her how adult relationships need work & space in which they can be put first for a while, which is really healthy.

For now, though, we need to focus on making sure you're safe & ok, and getting you some support

OP, you say you miss the things you and your DH did before your son was born, and you talk as though you have no control over getting those things back, even just occasionally. So what is it that stops you telling your son that you and your DH are going out for a couple of hours for adult time, and that he'll need to entertain himself?

What would your ideal family life look like?

Don't wait until then. contact your GP tomorrow. You will be doing the right thing for the whole family if you look after yourself.

I agree with this. What would happen if you just started doing things on your own or with your husband and leaving your son to his own devices for a bit?

This sounds like a man who loves his wife, and a woman who doesn't love herself. Don't do that to yourself. Your DH is showing you that you're worth much, much more than that to him. And that means you're worth the world to yourself. You haven't done anything to not be loved by you. Don't let the fuckers make you hate yourself.

Just leave your son at home and go out gor a date night with your husband. I have a daughter the exact same age and you can definitely leave 14-year-olds home alone.

Hope you are doing ok this evening OP. X

I’m sitting here just kind of numb. Staring into space. Don’t know what to do with myself. I’m still really worried that if I tell the gp I’ve been self harming that they’ll see me as a danger to my child.

I’m a social worker and I can confirm they will make a referral to social services BUT it won’t amount to anything severe they will contact you and come to meet you signpost you to services . It won’t end in removal or anything like that but once a parent self harms the GP has a duty of care for safeguarding children and it does meet threshold for a safeguarding referral @BrandNewSofa

I think OP it's worth remembering you are not where you are tonight because of your DC not picking up their stuff or being clingy, it's a very stressful situation that any parent would struggle with but I think you are dealing with a huge additional amount of stress due to the awful things in your past and its not at all surprising that this has overwhelmed you. Once you get some help and look after yourself you will hopefully feel stronger. Then you can really start working on your DC and marriage. You'll get there... just some self love first i think. I'm thinking of you xxx

They won’t. I was found mid-suicide attempt by a health professional. They did not consider me a risk to my child or take her away. They just helped.

You will be able to make some small changes OP and they will help.

Just start off making a small positive change and things will start to shift.

Maybe make a plan for tomorrow evening, you can get ds to help you cook, DH can wash up, you can spend one hour playing with DS, then DS can have a bath and entertain himself until bedtime and you can hang out with DH, take an evening stroll together or read a book quietly in bed.

Make a plan together for the weekend and plan some time doing chores together, a fun activity together and some time doing stuff separately too.

This isn’t about your son op. I think he is a happy homebody and probably used to enjoying lots of good parenting. Yes he needs to be encouraged to be more independent but the real issue here is your poor mental health.

You have a hit a wall. Your own trauma is eating away. I would contact the GP today - it is something they deal with every day. Explain your situation calmly and concisely and let them help. You can’t carry on as you are. Some problems are too big for one person. Social services will not be interested in taking away a well cared for 14yr old, and if they removed every child whose parents had poor mental health we would see millions and millions of children with nowhere to live!

If you want to be the best parent you can be for your son, get some more support today. Start taking care of yourself - not him. You need love and care, and nurturing time with dh.