Having a child has ruined our lives.

[BrandNewSofa]

If that sounds like I don’t live my daughter then that’s not the case, I love her with every fibre of my being. I would walk through fire for her. She’s everything.

however.

Ever since she arrived me and DH have struggled with stress. From the off she had health problems- allergies and acid reflux. This then became years and years of croup/ chest infections/ wheezing and hideous coughs. We have become absolutely paranoid about being around anyone who might give her their lergy. In the last month we have been back and forth to a&e and the drs countless times. I’m exhausted. He is exhausted. The mental health toll it’s taken on us has been huge. We don’t have family to rely on. It’s just us. I remember before we had a child and we would enjoy chilled days and nights together and we were happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of happiness and fun and we have photos all over the house of us on days out etc together, but these health problems have ruled our lives.

in case anyone comes at me, I know that people have worse than this. I’m just dealing with what I’m facing.

i have felt broken the last few weeks. Dh is miserable and I am too. It feels like there is never anything but stress.

DD can be volatile and DH and her sometimes clash. Dh has ibs and spends a lot of time down about that too. I’m battling PTSD and often have nightmares. Everything is so hard all the time.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day. It’s utterly draining. I need ten minutes to myself here and there. I need to breathe.

i know nobody here can help me just beyond sad and exhausted.

i was just about to leave this thread, as hopeless, until i saw this.

this para coupled with dd being volatile is key. focus on this. she is abusive, controlling and needs professional intervention. maybe describe her volatility: what form does it take and what does she do?

however, your op focuses on her being an ill child from the off. your focus is misplaced. she is a 14 yo girl with friends and hobbies who is abusing her parents.

Had a chance to shake off DD and continue 😉Mine is a bit older and has various additional needs so more complicated, her delay in social development is expected in a way. Plus Covid years affected her a lot.
I think you should help your DD and encourage her. I would focus on skills she might need to do things without you. Does she like going to a cinema? I would go with her first, then encourage her to go with her friend. She might need your advice and help with choice and planning. I would give them a lift initially , drop them and then off for a walk, coffee, shopping just you and DH. Build up gradually, cinema is a really good babysitter for a teen . The secret is to be sure that she feels confident at the cinema and know what to do in different circumstances. She can take her own snacks nowadays so it’s safer from allergies point of view.
The next option is shopping centre or going somewhere out for a milkshake/ coffee/ whatever it is in her circle.
She won’t bugger off at once and the more you’re pushing them the more the they resist. At least it’s my experience. Set yourself a long term goal and move towards it.
She might have autism, ADHD, anxiety and anything else, I wouldn’t exclude as these things are much more apparent at this age. But for any of these issues there is no quick recipe - slow and steady is the way,
I feel your pain, we don’t have couple time at all - only when DD’s at school or at the activity. We never were out in the evening without her, twice during the day. So it’s really tough. We don’t have close friends who can have her due to her issues and they all have children with additional needs themselves, and to be honest due to our way of life ( all revolves around DD’s problems) we don’t have so many friends.

OP, it sounds like you and DH got frozen in the time when it was really dangerous for your DD to be left alone/had to tolerate discomfort.

it is understandable that this, along with your PTSD, make it seem like you and she can't handle her being uncomfortable at all.

with kindness, what is the worst that will happen if you do not do as she wants?
she screams? Ok you can ride that out. She feels you've abandoned her? Ok you can explain and nurture her in different ways. She spends more time on her screen than 2 hours? That's ok, it's infinitely healthier for her than the energy she's picking up now.

she does not have any way to self soothe without someone co-regulating with her or using games / screens to do so. That's ok, it's a starting point that you can use, it doesn't have to be like this forever.

go out for a walk this week and tell her she can use her screen while you're out.

she isn't going to learn to self regulate suddenly now after 14 years of never getring the chance to because you and DH can't tolerate risking her being down.

the greatest gift you can give all three of you is showing that she can be sad, in pain, uncomfortable, angry and it's not untolerable. Show her you can handle her emotions and you're not doing the first thing you can to get rid of them. Show her that she can handle discomfort - tolerating discomfort is a superpower!

Is she generally immature? Or has she been pandered to and spoilt? Just wondering the cause of her moods.

Boundaries are crucial to help children and teenagers feel safe. I understand why you haven’t created any due to your own trauma, but you need to read up on this and start doing so now or this is going to get even worse.

Does she read? If not get her into reading. Does she have any hobbies? If not enrol her in some activities. You need to teach her that you aren’t her life support system. This isn’t healthy for anyone.

Op do you have more than one child? Other posts of yours talk about your son.

At 14 she really needs you to help her start being more independent. Otherwise how will it end? Will you still be entertaining her all the time at 15, 16, 18? The abduction situation is so incredibly unusual as to not even be something that should be considered, except in the sense that she needs to learn how to handle herself a bit and is never going to do that if she’s with you or your DH at all times. What about a part time job? Even a paper round, babysitting?

It is absolutely fine to tell a 14yo (or even an 8yo!) that you are not responsible to find things for her to do.
And every moment of free time you have should not by default be dedicated to her.

See also
‘I need some time to relax on my own’
‘No thank you, I don’t want to play a game now’
’Find an activity that you can do on your own’

These are not mean, it is setting boundaries.
Try to remember your childhood, were your parents entertaining you all the time at 14?

She's 14 years not 14 months?
I am sorry you're all sick but this is bonkers. Surely you have some control of your life and situation.

This thread gets weirder and weirder. After I read your first post I was going to sympathise, looking after a poorly baby/toddler is exhausting. But she’s 14!
Just go out for a walk with your DH for a couple of hours and leave her at home, it’s as simple as that.

Sometimes I just want to do some gardening or something for myself but she breathes down my neck the entire time
It is ok to politely ask her to leave.

I have adhd and autism and I'm agreeing with other posters that I'm sensing some autistic vibes too. May be worth looking into?

I also agree increase her independence, does she have a phone? She needs to do more by herself or with friends - go out into town shopping, for lunch etc.

Do you or your DH work?

My dad would have told me to piss off if I was hovering about him doing the gardening at age 14. Make yourself useful or piss off.

I'd have been off on my bike with friends all day.

Thought the same thing. I think OP has changed child’s gender and age. I do this sometimes if my post might have details in it that might be a bit outing. Don’t want people I know recognising me in my posts!

This reply is one of the most uninformed and damaging responses I've seen. This is just how OPs daughter has formed her attachment and it actually sounds very secure. She is not abusing them!

Securely attached children actually end up being some of the healthiest and independent humans but detach when they are Truly ready to go out in the world on their own, this can sometimes be age 18 sometimes older.

OP you can get some time back for you and your husband without 'having to cut the ties', which your daughter clearly isn't ready for. Good ideas above, gardening, reading a book. Ask her if she wants to learn how to cook meals so she can help herself when you're occupied.

My daughter is the same age she's autistic so needed a little bit of extra scaffolding to be independent, I try to guide and counsel more than parent as she's a rule follower anyway and as it's just the two of us it works better.

I ask her what she's doing so there's the expectation that she will have plans that I am not involved in. Often on a Saturday morning she and her friend head to Costa and get a coffee and then go to the cinema.
If I have plans with friends during the day I let her know and ask what she'll be doing whilst I'm out you could do this with plans with your husband. Give her guidance for what she's allowed to do home alone if she isn't already aware for us that's no open flames, 2 friends max visiting and if she leaves the house she texts me to let me know where she's going.

Tonight why not try "DH and I are going to the cinema/theatre on Saturday afternoon' what are you going to do?" If she asks to come just say no, you are having adult time or there aren't enough tickets.

I've given DD a large patch of the garden to do with what she likes, there are great plans for another wildlife pond and colourful flowers and she has enjoyed researching them. Perhaps give your DD some cash for a project that she can do in the house/garden, it would probably be particularly useful if it's something that requires nurturing.

You don't have to see increasing her independence as getting tough. It's more about preparing her for adulthood, which is less than four years away.

Boundaries and responsibilities increase confidence. Give her chores, insist on time alone, tell her to entertain herself for an afternoon. Couple time might be difficult for her to understand. I personally wouldn't push this with an only child as a first step, especially if she's so close to adulthood anyway. But you can totally send her on camps and holidays and do everything possible to increase her independence. She's more likely to naturally give you space if you do.

I have a year 11, 15 yo. She was like this at 6. She stopped emotionally developing as soon she started school and 18 months later I got a child psychologist involved. What we got from the psychologist was invaluable and sent dd on a very different trajectory.

You’ve been given some great advice about how to handle the situation. Goals, gradually increasing the time apart, going out without your dd etc. Idk if you can stick to this. If you find you cannot, I would suggest getting a psychologist experienced in working with teens on board.

You seem very anxious. This anxiety and not wanting to let go is part of the problem. It is time to put some boundaries down and to stop fretting about a freak, highly unlikely abduction. We are all scared of this. But you’re holding your dd back and making you all miserable.

I’m also another one saying give your dd her phone. She can use it to FaceTime and send snaps to her friends.

When I was 14, my mum and dad went to the pub without me. Couldn’t you go out for an hour or so in the evening?

Did lockdown have an adverse effect?

@BrandNewSofa

Your daughter old enough to have to learn that you and husband need some personal space,

could she join girl guides wide range of interesting activities with them?
even camping and learning to explore and try out activities in a safe environment,

what about finding out about arts and crafts events and other activities she can get involved with
Give you a break on a regular basis,

Wondering why is she so needy , as it's such unausaul behaviour at that age?🤔

Also re your 2 hour tech limit, could this be part of the problem?

It's not all brain dead stuff. What about if she were playing chess or a social game online, talking to friends? Mine watches Minecraft videos far too much but then goes off and builds things like rollercoasters and machines off the back of it. If you're strict on limiting tech it's not that surprising she wants you to play board games with her or talk to her.

What they do online makes a difference, it's not all bad, and it would be unusual for a lone 14 year old to happily entertain themselves for 12ish hours a day screen free.

Have only read your posts, op.

Firstly:

Secondly has anyone said yet that she needs to learn how to be bored? Once she realises you're not going to constantly entertain her, she'll have to entertain herself

It's fine to tell her to 'no' and that you need some downtime / alone time. Its time to tell her to buzz off and entertain herself for a while.