Having a child has ruined our lives.

[BrandNewSofa]

If that sounds like I don’t live my daughter then that’s not the case, I love her with every fibre of my being. I would walk through fire for her. She’s everything.

however.

Ever since she arrived me and DH have struggled with stress. From the off she had health problems- allergies and acid reflux. This then became years and years of croup/ chest infections/ wheezing and hideous coughs. We have become absolutely paranoid about being around anyone who might give her their lergy. In the last month we have been back and forth to a&e and the drs countless times. I’m exhausted. He is exhausted. The mental health toll it’s taken on us has been huge. We don’t have family to rely on. It’s just us. I remember before we had a child and we would enjoy chilled days and nights together and we were happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of happiness and fun and we have photos all over the house of us on days out etc together, but these health problems have ruled our lives.

in case anyone comes at me, I know that people have worse than this. I’m just dealing with what I’m facing.

i have felt broken the last few weeks. Dh is miserable and I am too. It feels like there is never anything but stress.

DD can be volatile and DH and her sometimes clash. Dh has ibs and spends a lot of time down about that too. I’m battling PTSD and often have nightmares. Everything is so hard all the time.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day. It’s utterly draining. I need ten minutes to myself here and there. I need to breathe.

i know nobody here can help me just beyond sad and exhausted.

I thought you were going to say she was about 2. What would happen if you said "Your dad and I want to go out for dinner together this Saturday, why don't you invite your friend round, you can order pizza/McDonald's/whatever and play games on the PlayStation/watch some films?"

This! My 14 year old spends all day during the holidays chatting to his mates online and gaming.

A 2 hour device limit would be extremely unfair indeed.

Our lives are based around her. That’s how it should be,
This is not true. You and DH are people in your own right not just her parents.
She's 14, not a toddler, you should be able to leave her alone and have time alone, even if she's just in her room. Work towards her being able
to be left at home for short periods, you have to encourage independence.

@BrandNewSofa
I think 🤔 your attitude of worrying needlessly is reflecting on your daughter and you are making a rod for your own back,

another words you and your husband are making life harder for yourself in regards of your daughter,
you need to start putting in boundaries so you both have personal space and she learns to emotionally develop and gain much needed cofindence in herself,

You are not doing yourself any favours or your daughter either by pandering to her whims 24 /7
like a puppet on a string jumping to your daughter's tune beat constantly

It's far too enmeshed and co dependency unhealthy type of relationship within your family dynamic set up...

One sentence really stood out to me...

"what are we doing today? What are we doing after that? And what are we doing after that?"

I heard that so much from ds growing up. It was exhausting. He needed constant input.

It turns out, in his case, it was adhd. It wasn't obvious. He wasn't hyperactive. It's only now that he has a diagnosis as an adult that it all makes sense.

It might be something for you to consider. A 14 year old wouldn't usually need the constant stimulation of a device or another person. Parents of a 14 year old (health problems or not) wouldn't usually be as worn out as you are.

I was thinking the same, maybe 4-5 at the oldest.

Why isn't she going to clubs, activities, hobbies, etc.? It sounds like she's desperately bored or paranoid she'll be ill and wants you around for the comfort.

Why is it you feel at breaking point now (as opposed to earlier in the last 14 years)?

Could she join Explorer Scouts or similar OP? The troop my 11 year old Scout will join one day teach fantastic life skills and do loads of fun activities.
Also a great place to make friends and they go on camp for a few days several times a year which would give you all some freedom from each other.

That’s how it should be, but it’s got utterly exhausting
Actually, that isn’t how it should be. I guess her earlier health problems understandably led to your focusing totally on her. However, she should be learning that she isn’t the centre of the universe and that you and DH are entitled to some time of your own.

bless you and dh. bless your dd.
it sounds like she has anxiety and not coping herself in some ways.
might be time to seek professional therapy?
but also for you and dh too - to work through this stress.
i hope it gets better. i'm sure it will.

Your relationship and your life should absolutely not revolve around your teenage DD. Understandably with her health issues previously you’ve become accustomed to wrapping her in cotton wool and have perhaps lost sight of what a functioning human being is, but at 14, she really needs to learn resilience and self-reliance. Be firmer in telling her she must start looking to her own resources to entertain herself.

Hang in there, you've done 14 years it won't be long till she's off to uni or something.

Could you invite her best friend for a sleepover in the hopes it may be reciprocated?

My dd is 14 and I leave her at home for awhile, as we did also with our eldest. I'd start by popping out without her for half an hour then an hour etc so you can build up to going for dinner and stuff just you and dh. She's not a little kid she's old enough to understand you need a bit of time alone. She could even have her friend over.

I agree.

You've said that she doesn't have any additional needs apart from a speech problem. So her understanding is fine.
You need to stop enabling it. In a couple of years she is 16. You can say no to her, and our boundaries in place while being a good parent, exceeding all her needs etc.

Aside from the teenager additive etc, parenting a 14 year old shouldn't be like parenting a 4 year old when it comes to neediness and clingy-ness.

Teens attitude and difficulties are tough, but this seems like she's not acting like a teen. She's been a bit babied and babies herself. Ive never come across someone struggling like this with a 14 yo unless they have sen.

OP, it sounds like hard work, and it also sounds like you can see why PP are saying that you have enabled her. Understandably if she has had a lot of illness, you have had to be careful with her.

I only have 1 DD, and she was encouraged to entertain herself so that she wasn't dependent on me, or lonely. We were lucky enough o have great neighbours with similar aged kids, and they all spent a lot of time together growing up.

It's been just the 2 of us since she was 4yo, and we are close. We do watch TV together every evening, I am lucky that DD wants to spend time with me and not shut in her room, but she doesn't expect me to entertain her.

She will do diamond painting, or art work, or reading. Sometimes she will ask me to play on the Switch with her, which I enjoy, and sometimes she will play on her own or with friends.

If your DD doesn't want to be left alone just yet then that is fair enough, every child is different, but you shouldn't have to be entertaining her every second of the day. It is time to make her more dependent now, and able to entertain herself. Once you have got her ok with finding herself something to do, then you can start to leave her for short periods of time so that you and DH can go out for a couple of hours

You need to create space for both of you and let her know that from now on you’re going to make sure you and your husband are important as well. Having time where you read for half an hour alone, go for a walk on your own etc

You sound exactly like one of my friends OP but her child was adopted and has a lot of issues resulting from severe neglect. But I guess she over-compensates in the way that perhaps you’re doing because of DDs health. Maybe you’re also being the type of mother that you never had.

You know, your situation is really really difficult. I totally understand that you would die for your DD but you wish you hadn’t had her…it’s so difficult being a parent even without the health issues. But don’t make yourself feel worse by thinking that you’re not parenting correctly. People on here don’t have your background and don’t seem to understand how this situation has developed and can’t quickly be rectified. You’re all suffering from extreme stress and anxiety and you and DH are exhausted….finding motivation when you feel like that is so difficult.

My friend is a Quaker and that’s helped a bit. They run trips for young people and they’re all very kind and supportive. Not sure if that’s an option as your DD might not find it much fun but I thought I’d mention it. You can be any religion or even an atheist.

Can’t you change your perspective and see it as your DD should also fit into your life?

My DD is 12 now and yes, during the first 3 years most things centred around her. Then when I started working I had to balance it all. She learned that mummy has to work. Mummy has to cook or else you don’t eat. Mummy has to clean the house or else we could get ill. mummy has to go shopping or else we won’t have anything and you can help mummy out.

This thinking still exists today. If she wants to go for a walk (she is an only), or if she is bored, we will both look for something we both enjoy and we will go. We also take turns to go somewhere mummy likes and go somewhere she likes. Then we talk about it. Sometimes she hates the waiting but she has learned that life works that way. We organise play dates with her friends and that often gives me an afternoon to myself.

I’ve only recently started seeing someone but she is alright to bring along to places that my and OH feel like we can take her out with us. Sometimes she moans. But overall pleasant. We have nice evenings in where we watch something that’s appropriate for all.

Same goes with chores - if she wants me to hurry up and tidy (she would never say it in that tone) I will tell her to help me to make time go faster.

I hope this is just an example of how you can maybe embed your DD into your everyday activities. Because at 14 you shouldn’t feel this way.

I agree with other posts, could you maybe see if she’s ND in anyway. I have a friend with a daughter that is the same age as mine and she is always shouting at her mum - and I sense she should be tested to rule things out as her mum is struggling with her behaviour which comes across erratic (even to her friends). However, she is pleasant with me when we go out as I tend to banter back and treat her as I would my daughter in terms of not taking bad mouthing and asking her to be helpful if she wants something in return. I know it’s very different living with “bad” behaviour.

I do hope you find some middle ground x

It's time for tough love OP. My youngest is 4 and she knows to put her toys away when she's done playingand helps out with odd bits and bobs in the house (hanging out washing, helping me wash up ect) all my kids had jobs to do from young ages. They get pocket money only if they've earned it not just because they've done a chore.

You also need to put some boundaries in place. She's 14. More than old enough to start entertaining herself a bit. When she asks what your doing tell her nothing. It's that simple. You're building a rod for your own back by pandering to her. If you keep going the way you are she'll never learn to be independent

She IS capable.

But you'll have to enforce it.

Can she have a friend round for a couple of hours while you go out?

Are there shops nearby you can pop to and leave her behind?

What happens when you tell her she needs to entertain herself for a little while?

To base your life around kids: yup.
To spend every waking minute with a teenager: nope.

Just tell her you're doing something else right now and catch up later over dinner.

All those posters saying 'She';ll be off to university soon!' - unless this child learns some independence and life skill, she will not cope with university.

Has she never been on any school trips? Residentials? Sleepovers? Because I wonder if she is picking up on your anxiety, and feeling she needs to stay close

With regards to your name Duolingo, what language are you learning?

Would it be worth getting in touch with your daughter's school, explaining that you want to help her become more independent and boost her social circle? I wonder if there are any more after-school activities that she could do e.g. choir.

Are there any outdoor-based things she might enjoy? e.g. a hiking group for those her age

Are there any classes at your local gym catering for under 16s?

Do you think she might be tempted to go out more if she had a cinema subscription?

Re. becoming less clingy at home, could you start with one of you being unavailable? e.g. taking an extra long bath, gardening, doing a home yoga/pilates class etc. After this, build up to you and your husband going on date nights.

I have a family member that said the same thing once that having a child ruined her life.
And tbh it did it aged them both their life revolved all about her it put so much stress on the both of them. By the time she was 15 they divorced she was a nightmare and an only child with no mental health issues.
She was placed in care in the end for attacking her mum she would not have her back home.
but my mum thinks it was her and her husbands doing with gentle parenting back then it was called molly cuddling.

She still is thinks shes a princess and nothing is ever her fault shes a 38 year old woman now with 5 kids divorced twice and not a nice person.
Not many family members have contact with her due to her lies and shit stirring.

This sort of thing does happen but parents try to cover it up because they feel they are the wrong ones and know one will ever really know what you mean unless you have lived it.

I dont mean this to be rude in anyway, but I would say its highly unusual to be that clingy at 14. She is also the age where you can explain you dont need to be with her all the time (we are not talking about a clingy 1 year old here). Have you discussed this with the school/medical professional? My eldest is approaching that age, we do tons of stuff together as a family (days out) but there is no way he wouldn’t want his own space at home/be out with friends too.

I would also say it’s training your children from a young age to have interests they can do at home on their own. My children like a lot of attention and I like to give it but they both know sometimes they need to go and draw or sort their rooms and we all have a bit of space.