Having a child has ruined our lives.

[BrandNewSofa]

If that sounds like I don’t live my daughter then that’s not the case, I love her with every fibre of my being. I would walk through fire for her. She’s everything.

however.

Ever since she arrived me and DH have struggled with stress. From the off she had health problems- allergies and acid reflux. This then became years and years of croup/ chest infections/ wheezing and hideous coughs. We have become absolutely paranoid about being around anyone who might give her their lergy. In the last month we have been back and forth to a&e and the drs countless times. I’m exhausted. He is exhausted. The mental health toll it’s taken on us has been huge. We don’t have family to rely on. It’s just us. I remember before we had a child and we would enjoy chilled days and nights together and we were happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of happiness and fun and we have photos all over the house of us on days out etc together, but these health problems have ruled our lives.

in case anyone comes at me, I know that people have worse than this. I’m just dealing with what I’m facing.

i have felt broken the last few weeks. Dh is miserable and I am too. It feels like there is never anything but stress.

DD can be volatile and DH and her sometimes clash. Dh has ibs and spends a lot of time down about that too. I’m battling PTSD and often have nightmares. Everything is so hard all the time.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day. It’s utterly draining. I need ten minutes to myself here and there. I need to breathe.

i know nobody here can help me just beyond sad and exhausted.

@BrandNewSofa - you said:

me and dh desperately need some time just for us. Our relationship is entirely based around her. Our lives are based around her. That’s how it should be, but it’s got utterly exhausting

No. Your relationship shouldn't be based entirely around her at age 14. Yes, she still needs cared for and have time spent with her, but it isn't normal for a 14 year old to be so 'clingy'. You and your DH are entitled to have some time to yourselves now and you need to start making changes. Maybe go out once a week without her to begin with? She will probably object, but stick to your guns

I don't have q child this age so I'm sure others will give better advice than me, but I think just be (age appropriately) honest with her. Just tell her Mum and Dad are going to go out for dinner by ourselves today as we need some adult time. I'm going to do some gardening by myself now as I'd like to do a bit of thinking whilst I do it and need quiet and space to do that. Etc. Help her understand that sometimes people need time on their own, it's not a reflection on her or that you don't love her but just that we all sometimes just need a bit of time to focus on ourselves and our needs.

Also agree with PP that your lives shouldn't just revolve around her. You are there to support her living her own life, not to live yours for her.

I really feel for you. 14 years with no mental break.

DP and I have always insisted on evenings to ourselves but I can imagine with just one child that feels like leaving her out.

You could take turns to have evenings to yourselves at the gym or with friends.

Would she understand if you had a chat with her about learning to spend more time independently - reading, watching her own shows, doing art in her room, etc?

That’s not normal. You need to be firmer and help her detach from you. Your whole life shouldn’t be focussed on her. You’ve mistakenly given her the impression that it is.

Start off slowly by detaching for her for a few minutes while you read a book or whatever. Say that you’re busy and she should go to her room and read a book too, browse the internet, pop to the shop/library whatever. Then gradually increase the time she has to entertain herself.

Make it clear that some evenings are for you and your DH alone. She’ll be miffed to start with but she’ll get used to it. As long as the week is balanced out with some time for her and sometime for you, she’ll see it’s fair. She should be branching out herself now at weekends - going to the shops to meet friends, meeting friends for a coffee, etc.

What are you currently doing to address your childhood trauma? I’m sure you know that having a troubled childhood strongly impacts on your parenting and your parent child relationship ……that challenging mum-child relationship you had ( eg. Your mum failed to protect you) will re-enact itself in your own mum-daughter relationship. It’s quite common for victims of childhood abuse to go through difficult times when their own child reaches the age that the parent experienced abuse…is this relevant to your situation?

I agree with everyone this is highly unusual and shows the importance of carving out time as a couple from day one as soon as baby arrives as much as possible. Is there a youth club or somewhere she can go on a Saturday ? Also try hairdressing volunteering at dog shelters dog walking etc anything like that for a few hours to build up her confidence

Totally agree with this. I have similar with my DD, who has had significant health issues over the last year. It feels like we've gone back in time development-wise, not helped by being an only child too. Old friendships have gone as she missed so much school, right now we are her everything, and yes, its bloody exhausting especially if you have no family help. No useful tips but understand how hard it is, sounds like you're doing a fantastic job.

Echoing the advice to start making time for yourselves as a couple.

When ours were younger, this sometimes looked like having mini dates such as popping to the corner shop together, or going to pick up takeaway- even sorting out the garage or attic where children cannot follow. Just to give us five minutes of off duty time together and to get the DC used to being alone.
Start small, wherever is manageable, and build from there.

Drop the device rule, I’ve never had any rules and have children who got top grades. At 14 your life should be getting easier. She needs to learn to entertain herself. Next time she asks what you’re doing, say nothing. Let her learn to navigate boredom and find things to do. You’re enabling her and making life much harder than it needs to be at 14

This is not normal at 14. When I started reading your OP I though she was still a toddler! She should be out some evenings with friends, at hobbies/clubs/entertaining herself at home.

Of course it's important to foster family time but at her age she shouldn't be clinging like she is. Are you sure she doesn't have any additional needs?

At 14 I would stay home alone some evenings if my parents wanted to go out for a meal or movie together or something. Or I'd be out with friends or round at their houses. That should be even easier today with mobile phones so that she can easily contact you.

I think you need to work on cutting the apron strings for her own good.

You are over protective at 14 she should be going into the nearest town/city alone.
Does she have an allowance if not give her one and encourage her to go out and spend it.
Plan a date one evening with your dh tell her you are going for a meal and will be back around 10.30pm and just go.

Does the 2 hour time limit include TV? That’s not much if you want to watch a film or have a lazy rainy Saturday.

@BrandNewSofa i hope you don’t find it upsetting to hear the chorus of ‘this is highly unusual.’

As a previous poster says, start from where you are now. I’d be thinking of chatting casually to DD about medium term things like ‘by Easter, I think you’ll be old enough to go to the cinema with Emily’; ‘next summer, you will probably have yourself a little job.’ Ie get her a little bit excited about developing independence, rather than approaching it directly from your perspective of needing a break.

Her next birthday, for example, could be vouchers for experiences she can have with a friend - ice skating, cinema, get nails done, flight simulator - where you drop and go.

and maybe to show you much you treasure her, book little treats one on one, where you and she go out for coffee, or she and her dad go to an activity together.

Enforce a one hour slot where dc isn’t allowed to ask for attention unless emergency and call it “adult time”. When dc doesnt stick to it repeat “adult time” and focus your attention on your activity/dh and not dc. Multiple times if needed. I’d imagine your daughter will get the picture eventually even if it takes a few days/weeks. She might even get good at it and spend more than the hour entertaining herself once used to it.

Oh and pocket money for general chores is a no in this house - there’s an expectation all pitch in to family life and pocket money is reserved for above and beyond.

I hear everybody that I’ve been enabling her. I didn’t mean to but this is where we have ended up. I’m going to start getting her to have quiet time alone and encourage her to entertain herself. I’ll also get her helping more around the house. I’m also going to take myself off for pockets of time to do things just for me.

re my own childhood and trauma, I’m in therapy every week. It’s very helpful. It’s not easy navigating both that and this tho.

When I was an older teen, I used to "babysit" for a younger girl. It was Saturday, during the day, just so the mum could potter about by herself.
I would make buns with her, I would teach her some guitar, her mum would give us a job like tidy out the fridge and we would do that together. I done that for a summer, not every week but every 2nd.
Not sure if that's the angle you would like to take, this person was a family friend so it easy for me to fall into this role but it might be a win win for everyone.

Hi @BrandNewSofa

Firstly sending you a huge hug because you seem like you need it.

Secondly, my dd is 10 and has had a similar run as yours. She had years when she was little of not being able to play at other people's house etc due to allergies etc. So I absolutely understand the hell you have been through. Dd is now on a therapeutic chemo regime to suppress her allergy reactions. This has been a game changer.

However, you need to apply some tough love. You need to make yourselves less available, not all the time but for small amounts and then build up.

Start in the house for even that 10 minutes you need. Stand your ground...give her a timeliness, I.e. dd from 1900 til 1910 I am not available and stick to it. Even if you have to put a bolt on the inside of your bedroom door, walk away and get your 10 minutes.

Then build it up to 30 mins etc, needs to be both you and dh.

Then book a meal out etc etc

Small steps and will take time, but I am guessing she bypassed the childhood disentanglement with being so poorly and at risk so now you need to rip that plaster off.

Good luck!!@

Like other posters, I alighted on this: me and dh desperately need some time just for us. Our relationship is entirely based around her. Our lives are based around her. That’s how it should be, but it’s got utterly exhausting.

I think you are wrong to regard this as "how it should be.* It certainly isn't.

A bit of tough love might be needed. You have sacrificed your needs completely to what you perceive as hers - and after your own traumatic childhood I can understand why you might have felt the need to do this. You have been trying to create a perfect childhood for her - but children need to learn to take others' needs into account and to grasp that life is far from perfect - that we have to learn to take the knocks and deal with situations that are far from ideal. But you are recognising that this has taken its toll on you and on your OH, and this is the time to try and move things forward to something that is more normal and sustainable.

Might it help for you to take up a hobby that takes you out of the house once a week and helps her to see that you have a life of your own - that she is not the centre of it and she has to fit in a bit round the needs of the rest of the family? Is there something you might like to do: join a craft or singing group, join a gym .....?

Sounds like you need to treat her more like a teen and less like a 5 year old?

Drop the device rules
Give her some regular chores
Assign her one night a week to cook dinner
Get yourself a hobby
Go on a date night with your husband once a week

It’s always ‘what are we doing today? What are we doing after that? And what are we doing after that?’
You can say - I'm finishing this chore, then I'm having a bath. What are you doing?
or
I don't have any plans today, I'm going to chill
or
Lets watch a movie together, then dad and I are going out for dinner - I've got you a pizza

Why cant yu leave her for a hours home alone whilst you and DH go to the cinema, out for a meal, out for a walk etc. Shes old enough to be left for 5-6 hours in the daytime & 3 hours or so in the evening.

You need to prioritise yourselves at times and tell her this is what you are doing and shes not coming. She'll cope.

Time to get tough. A 14yr old doesn't need to have a parent next to her at all times, thats ridiculous.

I agree with the calendar approach in the sense that you can say: this Saturday we're taking you out or having a games night with you for example (or give her a choice). Then you say, "Sunday, dad and I are having parent time. You can choose to do whatever you want for a few hours at home".

She might protest or she might look forward to it. Either way, you both need some time away.

i’m wondering if this child has ever been encouraged to amuse herself?
By 14 mine were definitely doing as @C00k says, and had been for a number of years.
If OP’s dd goes to university in a few years she’ll struggle to cope with nobody at her side virtually 24/7. That’s not a healthy relationship in my opinion, DCs need to be encouraged towards independence from a reasonable age.