Having a child has ruined our lives.

[BrandNewSofa]

If that sounds like I don’t live my daughter then that’s not the case, I love her with every fibre of my being. I would walk through fire for her. She’s everything.

however.

Ever since she arrived me and DH have struggled with stress. From the off she had health problems- allergies and acid reflux. This then became years and years of croup/ chest infections/ wheezing and hideous coughs. We have become absolutely paranoid about being around anyone who might give her their lergy. In the last month we have been back and forth to a&e and the drs countless times. I’m exhausted. He is exhausted. The mental health toll it’s taken on us has been huge. We don’t have family to rely on. It’s just us. I remember before we had a child and we would enjoy chilled days and nights together and we were happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of happiness and fun and we have photos all over the house of us on days out etc together, but these health problems have ruled our lives.

in case anyone comes at me, I know that people have worse than this. I’m just dealing with what I’m facing.

i have felt broken the last few weeks. Dh is miserable and I am too. It feels like there is never anything but stress.

DD can be volatile and DH and her sometimes clash. Dh has ibs and spends a lot of time down about that too. I’m battling PTSD and often have nightmares. Everything is so hard all the time.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day. It’s utterly draining. I need ten minutes to myself here and there. I need to breathe.

i know nobody here can help me just beyond sad and exhausted.

Also something I've seen with my friends' children (older than mine) is that having a paid job is the single best thing for building confidence and maturity. She is a bit young yet, but in another year or so you could help her set that up, even just one day on the weekend.

I was going to ask this. My DD has a Speech disorder and is quite clingy (finds it difficult to self motivate etc) but she's Autistic.

I think people who are saying that she should be more independent at her age missing a point a bit - she is not. Your circumstances are quite unusual so most people won’t get them . I think having no family around at all, having serious health issues and being the only child is a very difficult mixture to manage. We have it - my DD has additional needs and it’s bloody hard. You can just ask another parent for a play date for a relaxing 2 hours. You have very narrow circle whom you can trust (basically you and DH) and it affects your child social development greatly.

What happens if you won't sit with her OP?

You said that she can be volatile. If she goes to school and has hobbies then clearly she CAN be away from you.

Whether your child has additional needs or not - and this is something I'd be reflecting on, just in case you have missed signals that she may need more support in that way - she sounds very anxious. Is it possible she is picking up on your PTSD and feeling uncertain and in need of reassurance? Wanting to know what will happen reminds me of my teen who is currently being assessed for ASD, but is also just generally a sign of anxiety. Does she have space and freedom to be bored, to be told firmly but lovingly 'No, I'm not able to talk right now, I'm busy doing stuff. You need to amuse yourself for a bit"?
Could there be some tech/gaming addiction going on for her? She might be so overstimulated by the screens that when they are removed (does she give them up willingly?) she needs constant entertaining because that's what her brain is used to, and she finds it hard to just be quiet and make her own entertainment.

Without wanting to pry, is the lack of family support related to issues within your own family which could be affecting how you view parenting/yourself as a parent? It's hard having little family support, so I really feel for you, I am in a similar boat. I hope you find some answers, and hopefully my post hasn't offended you, but has give you a few things to think about.

You say that she goes to school on her own and that she has gone to the shops on her own but since a an attempted abduction of a friends child she doesn't any more.

I wonder if she developed an anxiety disorder or is just more fearful - possibly GP or some counselling may help here.

One of DD friends struggles with anxiety - mother had agoraphobia for years though she back to normal life - the girls friend have been understanding often allowing her to be on phone with them walking in and out - DD been on phone at home waiting till she walks though her front door - over the course of the year she's much improved but she also getting some additional professional help.

I feel for you, but I also think this sounds a bit unusual. It sounds as if she struggles to regulate herself.

Does she do any organised activities in the week? That might be a step to some regular breaks for you both, plus to increased independence. Something like Guiding? Or a team sport, or musical theatre - something active? Would learning a wind instrument be good for her breathing?

What chores does she do? I certainly would not put up with a child not helping but telling me to hurry up with housework!

With your comments 'that us how it should be' I wonder if you have got the impression that everyone is going to jump on you if you don't make it clear that 'my dd is my world' or some such. Fact is that rearing children really only lasts about 18 years. My son is not my world, not anymore, and thats ok. How about the rest of OUR lives?

It can be draining.

But with 14 she should be ok to be on her own at home for a couple of hours during the day with Netflix/TV.

Take your DH on a Saturday or Sunday and just go out, go for a walk, museum, wandering around a town nearby, lunch somewhere.

DD is 16 and we battled 3 years of mental health issues, resulting now in a ASD diagnosis. Being away from her is a bliss und absolutely necessary. I went last year 4 days away on my own, no family, no obligations. I missed them but I could finally breath again.

And - DD is not often out with her friends outside school. They message a lot but apart from the odd day in town, nobody goes to anyone’s house. Odd but we accept this.

Not too young for a paid job. My 14-year-old has had a job mucking out stables, sweeping, turning out and feeding horses at our local livery yard since she was 13. It's hard work but well-paid.

Op I can relate to a lot of what you've described, my dd has been hard work since birth, she's had ongoing health issues, sensory issues, I suspect is autistic. It's just the two of us so it can be quite intense.

It is absolutely okay for you to put your needs first and to have some firm boundaries in place, especially now your dd is 14yo.

Do you work? Have friends and hobbies outside the home? I think you need to focus on yourself a bit more and step back from your dd.

Can you have some set times when your dd knows she can have your undivided attention? We got a dog when dd was 13yo and this helped move the focus a lot as well as gave us a common interest and a chance to talk on walks.

If dd was demanding my time in the way your dd is I think I'd have a breakdown at 14yo they should be able to occupy themselves and being so dependent is not healthy imo.

Your dd needs to know you have complete faith that she can deal with difficult emotions such as boredom, frustration and feeling anxious without you having to be her regulator. Unless you say no to her how will she learn these skills?

It gets so tiresome on here when people shout "autism" on every thread, but it might be something to consider if you haven't already. Just anecdotally I know a couple of girls who were very clingy to a parent and in both cases they got autism diagnosed as older teens. I also recognise that sense of exhaustion from parenting my own autistic teen. It is much better when their needs are being met at school - the clinginess inside the house is a coping mechanism.

But each family has its own dynamic. You don't need to listen to what other families do, your own is unique. Be aware that when you get very run down and out of energy, a bit like when you're sleep deprived with a baby, it gets very hard to make decisions and change things. Your brain goes into a kind of passive mode. You might need to force yourselves into making a plan. It doesn't have to be just "well she should be spending time alone so we're going to make her". It could be very gentle. But a plan needs to be made. It will give you a sense of purpose and hope, and a sense of making progress even though there won't be an easy fix.

I do think that need to be alone is developmental and you might find suddenly in a month or a year that you never see her. But you need a plan to feel you have some power here, some control.

What time does she go to bed? My teens still go upstairs at 9.30 and the living room is ours for a bit after that.

I think it's important both for you and DD to have independence now. Look at it this way, she could be at university/having a job in 4 years' time - she needs to be prepared for that. In terms of independence, I've always worked this way - I look towards what my kids (they are 12 and 15 now) will need to do in the next few years and try to lay a foundation so they are ready.

Some of my kids' first strikes out to indepedence were being sent to the local shop or allowed to bike/rollerskate around the park nearby for example - obviously, not an option for everyone, but it's a small way to start.

my own childhood was abusive. My dad was absent and my mum stood by while my stepdad abused me. I have no contact with any of them now. My husband’s parents are both dead.

i always wanted to create a loving close family, which we do have, but it’s also suffocating at times. I think I’ve been guilty of fearing telling dd off harshly at times, because even if she deserves it I worry I’m being unreasonable. I may have inadvertently created someone who gets their own way too much. Our lives revolve around her too much. She has two activities that she does every week and loves, but the rest of the time she is heavily reliant on us. I remember at her age I would spend time writing, drawing etc but she has no interest in any of that. Sometimes I just want to do some gardening or something for myself but she breathes down my neck the entire time. To be clear, I love her company, but it’s too much.

btw we have a 2 hour a day maximum device use rule.

I thought you were going to say that's she's 2-3. In which case it will probably get better as she gets older. I'm shocked that she's 14.

Do you both work when she is at school?

Don't beat yourself up about any of this, we all try our best with our DC and we will never get it all right, that's the nature of parenting and what is acceptable at one point is then deemed to be unacceptable another.
You have recognised that you and dh need more space and that she needs to be more independent. She is not a baby, so maybe sitting down and explaining that whilst you love your time spent with her when doing together things, she also needs to be striving to become more independent and discuss with her in what ways would she want to start doing that and give her some suggestions.
Good luck with it and hope you get some head space soon x

This is a bad time of year for bugs and viruses, so you are probably burned out from getting through the winter. Going to A and E is so incredibly awful and tiring, it always takes me days to recover. You have just reached a low point, but you will come up again.

Well, you start from where you are.

Is there anything in the way of odd jobs (paid or not) or help with your work that she could start to do, perhapswith some support? Gardening, clearing stuff, dog walking, cat feeding, paper round, babysitting? I agree with the value of paid work but she simply doesn't sound ready for a full on solo teen job (tbh neither was I at this age)

Can you support outings with friends- almost like playdates? Help her arrange them? In general perhaps a bit younger than her age - trampoline park, cinema, swimming, ramble somewhere local, geocaching?

It sounds as if she hasn't yet got the skills to organise that kind of thing herself and tbh I don't think it's that unusual in fact 'even' at 14. But even if it were, the fact is she needs more help to make more involved friendships.

When you have a child with health problems, it’s difficult to tread the line of being protective and spoiling your child.

You are doing her a disservice if you don’t build her independence soon, she won’t like it but she’s old enough to understand. Good luck.

Hi OP

She sounds very like my eldest who has adhd and anxiety. Unless on phone he needs me to be in the room and other than kicking a football is not able to organise himself to do anything. It’s not just about being alone it also is being unable to think/plan/do an activity. He is also very money focussed. He does however enjoy cleaning so I do get him to do that, and can sometimes entertain himself if I get him started on something. Have you tried helping her to start an independent activity at all? Can you afford a sitter - you might be able to build up to leaving her with someone for a couple of hours ( maybe a fun teenager?). You and Dh taking annual leave during term time also sounds a good idea ( are both of you at home all the time?)

Im a single parent with another child as well, also no family support so as a result basically can’t leave the house really apart from work when he is at school. Possibly not that helpful but the main thing I try now is to find some sort of acceptance about the whole thing - don’t always succeed but feeling desperate about a situation that is unlikely to change makes it worse. Other is tbh sometimes I do just let him have more screen time so I get a bit of a break. Not ideal but probably better than everyone losing their minds …

In less than 4 years she will be an adult. She should be cooking, capable of doing all chores, contributing to the running of the household, able to entertain herself when bored. What life skills have you taught her?

Do she have any other trusted adults in her life like godparents or close family friends? People she could spend time with?

Drop the device rule.

If she is lactose intolerant consider having her tested for coeliac disease as well. It is genetic and may be that your husband has coeliac not IBS! Undiagnosed coeliac has other symptoms than just digestive including susceptibility to chest infections.

My son used to be like this but now he is 17 and goes out socialising on his own a lot.
I think you haven’t got long to go now so just hang on!