My autism is ruining my DH’s life

[Speraides]

I’ve struggled my entire life with noise and bright lights. I struggle with people too, they don’t like me. I can’t cope with interruptions or distractions and I find it hard to concentrate. Unsurprisingly I’ve now been diagnosed with autism.

Nobody has ever wanted to be my friend. Nobody has ever wanted to hire me. Rejection letters always say I’m well qualified but my personality (ie my autism) is the problem. You don’t smile enough, you don’t make eye contact, you were reluctant to shake hands, you didn’t make polite small talk, you’re too withdrawn, etc. I just kept trying and applying for years.

Now I know I’m autistic, I’m wondering what’s the point of continuing? There’s a reason I keep failing. Trying harder won’t fix this. I can’t be non-autistic and that’s what employers and friends want. It’s pointless to even try any more.

But despite being autistic, I’m “not autistic enough” to actually claim any disability benefits. Because I have a degree I’m deemed to be capable of working. And I am capable! The problem is that employers won’t give me a job because of my autistic behaviours. So what am I supposed to do?

My husband works. He isn’t autistic. He hates his job and wants to leave and be self employed. But he can’t, because he’s the sole earner. So he’s angry because I’ve trapped him in his job, because I can’t get hired so he has to support me and our daughter.

I don’t know what to do. If I killed myself the mortgage would get paid off by the insurance and my husband would get a lump sum so he could leave his job. I’m worth more dead than alive.

I have tried this without success. Yes it’s non client facing. But I still have to convince the interviewers and the team to accept me, and that’s where I fail. One employer said it’s not just about the job, it’s about whether we want to sit beside you and have lunch with you every day for five years - and we don’t.

I'm sorry you have been diagnosed with autism.

You sound very defeatist. It must have been hard being rejected for roles but why haven't you tried other areas of employment? WFH roles answering emails and online queries? There are also plenty of free courses available online for women to get involved in coding/programming etc. look at Coding For Girls for a start. just because your degree is in X it doesn't mean that your career has to be. But you could even be producing and sharing home decor mood boards on Pinterest/Instagram/fb and linking the products to affiliate schemes to earn money.

I can understand your DHs upset, it must be hard to have to be solely responsible for the finances, especially in a job you hate. But the very fact that you have a DH argues against the fact that nobody has ever liked you or wanted to be around you. You didn't just wake up one day and we're married to a stranger, he clearly saw something wonderful in you and fell in love.

You may find that interviewer attitudes change towards you when you declare you are autistic. Most people react the way you have seen so far - but when they have an explanation for the behaviour they don't understand eg eye contact, small talk, it makes sense and it then becomes a difference they can understand and work with. Take a deep breath and start afresh. It is hard, because you will always remember the rejections. But with understanding comes an opportunity to start again.

You should be able to get pip. I have a very academically able child with asd. They are not able to work and receive pip etc.

You could find support to reapply.

I feel like literally everything is a round hole. The whole world is a round hole! For all of those people who say there’s no point diagnosing people when they’re older - this is why you need a diagnosis, because if you don’t know there’s anything wrong with you then you just keep trying to force yourself to be “normal” and failing

That seems very defeatist. As I said above, there are many jobs that are ‘square holes’. Basically where the majority of the workforce has ASD and like hires like. It’s not the case where all jobs and everything in the world is a round hole as you seem to see it. You just have to look to slot yourself in the right square hole rather than throwing your hands up. You seem to have qualified in something that fits a round hole, it likely won’t work for you, don’t flog a dead horse.

It’s about getting a job where you don’t have to be ‘normal’ (your words), but you can be your authentic sense. My child is happy, they are their true ASD self at work. Their friends are happy, they are their true ASD selves at work. Between them they cover a range of job roles and industries, but all ‘square peg’ roles and therefore none are failing. The key was that none of them tried to jam themselves into round peg roles, or it wouldn’t work, they would fail and be miserable if they even did manage to score a job.

One employer said it’s not just about the job, it’s about whether we want to sit beside you and have lunch with you every day for five years - and we don’t

That's awful. I'm sorry someone said that to you.

I dont know what sort of interior design you have experience in so this might not work.

Could you advertise really small and local for someone who wants some help redesigning their home? Furniture, colour schemes, that sort of thing? Something small to get you started and build up some experience?

If you felt able you could say something about having autism so not being great superficially on first meeting someone but you're shit hot at your work.

I saw an ad on our local Facebook page recently that said something like
"Web designer available. Anxiety makes me terrible at small talk but I'm a top quality designer"

She got loads of replies. No idea how much actual work right enough but lots of supportive replies. We're quite a diverse, arty small place to live though. Maybe that sort of thing wouldn't work everywhere.

How did you meet and form a relationship with your husband? There must have been an element of social interaction and communication to get from meeting him as a stranger (at one point) to getting married, that you can build on elsewhere in your life.

Agree with the others you are going for the wrong roles, how about investigating options for remote jobs?

I think when pp are suggesting looking at STEM sectors like engineering, they're not necessarily suggesting that you become an engineer, rather that you could look for the roles you're qualified for in those sectors. You are highly likely to find that the culture and way of working is very tolerant, if not set up for people with ASD traits. Even if you happened to be doing admin, you'll likely be working with and for lots of people who get you.

OP try and ask here, autism is not a mh condition.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/neurodiverse_mumsnetters

Lots of good advice above. Civil service or most large corporations are a good shout. Prepare a script for interviews and for applications. Think about what would make an interview possible for you.

And

You are - literally - irreplaceable. There is no other you in the world. Your child and your husband need you and love you and they would never fully recover from your suicide. There are a lot of other reasons not to kill yourself, but that's a good one to start from

(Plus the life insurance would use it as a dodge not to pay out). Imagine how pissed off youe ghost would be.

I agree that trying the civil service and it's agencies may be a good idea. The civil service does make efforts to be inclusive and there are such a wide range of jobs within it that there's a better chance of finding a niche.

Can I just say that it seems unfair to be blamed or blame yourself for your husband's unhappiness with work. Even in a household with 2 working parents there's not many that could afford for one party to jack it in and go self employed. Plus presumably there are other options rather than just doing the job he hates?

It also sounds like you are trying really hard to get a job, you're not exactly a lazy free loader. Do you also do housework and all the kid stuff?

You are being so hard on yourself. Is your husband hard on you too?

I also agree with looking at civil service jobs, things like admin are often entry level with no customer facing element and they are big on making reasonable adjustments, including at interview. Plus the way they score their applications and interviews wouldn't allow for as much subjectivity with regards to small talk etc

Now that you know you are autistic, the comments and feedback from prospective employers read as outrageous.

With an autism diagnosis, you should feel able to go about the world as the person you are and not expect to be penalised for your communication disorder.

If you had realised and told them you are autistic, you would probably have got the job.

Please stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just try again, and tell them what you now know.

Could you do an admin job? Emails, order processing, delivery tracking, that kind of thing? Maybe something like payroll? The right role of this nature could be mostly doable in writing and consists largely of tasks you can crack on with on your own.

I acknowledge it's not what you've trained for but I agree with PPs that at this stage the focus needs to be on finding a job that suits your skills and that you would be comfortable doing.

I would also strongly encourage you to address your autism prior to interview so that you can explain why you feel you can do the job without eg. having lunch with people (which you obviously can!) and how you can be supported with reasonable adjustments if necessary to be a valuable employee. There's definitely a job out there for someone who wants to work hard and get things done but would prefer to limit the networking or people-y aspects.

Just on a more personal note - I have ADHD and pretty much all my friends are ND, the majority of them are ASD. We make a good pairing. I talk a lot and appreciate their stillness which helps me to be calm, they appreciate me filling in the silences so they don't have to talk and we both accommodate the things that particularly upset each other. We both have a quirky view on the world and our own way of doing things which we have commonalities in that we bond over. There are absolutely people out there who will value and care about you as a friend, you just haven't met them yet.

Please be kind to yourself. You are worth so much more than money.

I saw an ad on our local Facebook page recently that said something like "Web designer available. Anxiety makes me terrible at small talk but I'm a top quality designer
This might be a good idea. I’m looking for an interior designer and would enquire if you posted a similar message on my local page. I’m the opposite of bubbly so would actually prefer to hire someone that is more factual / straight to
the point, I don’t need the small talk part.

If you literally want ANY job then courier delivery work (like Amazon Flex) requires no interview or only a phone interview. You won't work with people and just need a driving licence and car.

I agree with this OP.

Disclosing is intimidating and yes, it can backfire. But the way I'd look at it in your shoes is - you have tried repeatedly without diclosing and so far it hasn't worked. You have nothing to lose by disclosing.

There is a job out there for you. Good luck OP.

Rejection letters always say I’m well qualified but my personality (ie my autism) is the problem

I be fascinated to see the actual wording.

There are loads and loads of people with autism who work. I think interior design is probably not going to suit a lot of people. What type of interior design do you want to do? All the High street interior designers that I've met are a bit of a 'type' but that could just be where I live. They are nice just a bit scary yummy-mummy for me.

Is there a reason you haven't tried to work for yourself? Offer interior design services on your local Facebook/ SM sites for a discount price and slowly build up some work experience and customer base. I'd have thought lack of experience would be more of a reason not to hire you rather than being autistic.

Did you do work experience at Uni?

I know a graphic designer who is autistic and seems to be very successful. That's a creative job.

Is there a reason for not looking for other work as a stop gap?

If you have completed a degree then you must have found ways to manage your lack of concentration etc. Getting a first is brilliant. You must be good!

Stop OP, just stop and breathe.

There is a place you can be happy in the world, you're just looking in the wrong place. There will be resources available to help you navigate your autism, meet other people with autism who can help you navigate your autism and who won't judge you. Once you're comfortable in your own skin, the rest follows. You just haven't found your crowd yet but they're out there waiting for you.

I don't know your area, but it's worth having a search on Facebook for support groups and go from there.

You could work in a warehouse, my brother has autism and works in one. Zero customer interaction/people skills required

I know you say that you don't think you would fit a STEM role but there are loads of creative roles in that industry that may allow you to be creative in an environment that is very used to and even need autistic people. It's such a growth industry at the moment and I know there are schemes available where it teaches you some basics of the job with an interview at the end for a prospective job. It might be worth a go and then if you don't like it you haven't lost anything.

My son has just been diagnosed and it has become painfully clear that he gets many of his traits from me even though I'm not diagnosed. I have a job but I've had to fake it till I make it. I'm nowhere near where my educational level should have taken me.

I'm so sorry to read your post. I really hope you find your path.

No job advice, sorry, but you matter. A lot. To more people than you probably realise.

Here's a link that explains how Access to Work funding works for people w ASD:

sites.google.com/port.ac.uk/autismemploymenttoolkit/at-work/access-to-work-support#

This research unit also has an ASD support toolkit for work:

sites.google.com/port.ac.uk/autismemploymenttoolkit/employment-toolkit

Go and create a profile for yourself on LinkedIn

State on your bio that you struggle with communication etc but highlight your qualifications etc

Also local authorities are known to employ people with disabilities