My autism is ruining my DH’s life

[Speraides]

I’ve struggled my entire life with noise and bright lights. I struggle with people too, they don’t like me. I can’t cope with interruptions or distractions and I find it hard to concentrate. Unsurprisingly I’ve now been diagnosed with autism.

Nobody has ever wanted to be my friend. Nobody has ever wanted to hire me. Rejection letters always say I’m well qualified but my personality (ie my autism) is the problem. You don’t smile enough, you don’t make eye contact, you were reluctant to shake hands, you didn’t make polite small talk, you’re too withdrawn, etc. I just kept trying and applying for years.

Now I know I’m autistic, I’m wondering what’s the point of continuing? There’s a reason I keep failing. Trying harder won’t fix this. I can’t be non-autistic and that’s what employers and friends want. It’s pointless to even try any more.

But despite being autistic, I’m “not autistic enough” to actually claim any disability benefits. Because I have a degree I’m deemed to be capable of working. And I am capable! The problem is that employers won’t give me a job because of my autistic behaviours. So what am I supposed to do?

My husband works. He isn’t autistic. He hates his job and wants to leave and be self employed. But he can’t, because he’s the sole earner. So he’s angry because I’ve trapped him in his job, because I can’t get hired so he has to support me and our daughter.

I don’t know what to do. If I killed myself the mortgage would get paid off by the insurance and my husband would get a lump sum so he could leave his job. I’m worth more dead than alive.

OP late diagnosis of ND often brings answers but also a lot of grief and anger. As you say, if you had known you were autistic you may have made different options.

I guarantee your DH does not want your dead, but working in a job you hate can be very hard.

You sound depressed and hopeless (MH conditions more common in ND persons).

I don’t think you should be choosing and trying for jobs just at this moment, you sound too low.

i would go to the GP and discuss medication (just so you can consider your options more calmly) and also ask for some talking therapies.

I then would apply to Access to Work they will give you grants which help you get into work and stay in work. This is likely to include coaching for a neurodiverse person (my assessor was really brilliant) and job coaching (all 1:1 mine was remote).

Wow, sorry but you are finding excuses for every suggestion. You absolutely do not need a masters for graphic design or website design. And no you don't need coding, that's what the developers are for. I think you should do more research before dismissing so many excellent suggestions on this thread, from people who know what they're talking about.

I moved into website design by teaching myself. I don't even have an undergrad degree. I did pro bono work then landed a 3 month contract and went on from there. I was on £50k by the time I left for something else. I doubt I'm the only one who can do it so why are you dismissing it out of hand?

This doesn't sound like mainly your problem. Your DH is treating you like rubbish. If you are the main child carer and running the home how on earth can he expect you to get a job that would allow you to support him to set as self employed. My wife is autistic and works full time. It's still not enough to support two of us while I qualify and set up self employed work so I do it around work. Nevermind childcare on top. There are schemes to help get into employment specifically for autistic people including being mentored by other autistic people but it must be hard to find motivation when you're thought low. Being open about being autistic and getting reasonable adjustments is the way to go. Did they do a reasonable adjustments letter as part of your diagnosis?

We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're feeling so low at the moment, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

How do you manage with your daughter? Would being a childminder be a possible choice?

You seem to have had a lot of employers say some pretty wild things to you. I wonder if you have misinterpreted them as you are so down about being autistic.

There are employers that are happy to employ people who don't fit in with a stereotypical happy sociable employee. One of my kids works in a large finance company who take on grads who have autism in roles that require intelligence and social skills. To be fair it does end up that some don't work out but some do. They may be managed but they are they still have a role to play. (Your belief that employers will not consider because of your autism isn't correct. There are caring and inclusive employers out there.

One of the guys with autism at my kids company comes to work with scruffy clothes with food on them and often says inappropriate things (not sexually inappropriate but odd). Despite what you think there are plenty of people who would be ok with non-typical behavior. Lots and lots of people have friends or family with autism and are ok with it.

You need to have a bit more faith in yourself and in other people. I know that's incredibly difficult after your experiences but you have to keep trying.

@Speraides still lots of proofreading and content writing jobs about. You should look into it. Best of luck.

Yea Autistic Girls network says as likely to be creative as STEM.

My ASd Dd hated all the sciences. Shes good at Maths though but her real love is art and creative stuff.

It’s more to pay for support as well. Communication doesn’t need care it needs support.

Your Dh can be your support. Can you talk in shops or to strangers?

There’s a lot of talk about PIP and how automatically it gets turned down.

This isn’t correct. It’s about knowing how to answer the questions. I got full award first time ( severe chronic fatigue, can’t leave house independently.) DD got full award for ASD first time. In fact when assessor phoned up about dd, they gave her more points😮

Would being a childminder be a possible choice?
No. I had a nervous breakdown from looking after my own child, too much noise and interaction. So I didn’t have another. I couldn’t cope with more kids. Thanks for the suggestion though.

I then would apply to Access to Work
Thanks, I’ve sent an enquiry this afternoon.

Can you talk in shops or to strangers?
Yes. No problem at all. I can talk to people and if it’s their job they will talk back to me. The problem arises when it’s not their job and they don’t have to talk to me. As soon as they have a choice in the matter they back off and avoid me.

Did they do a reasonable adjustments letter as part of your diagnosis?
No.

And no you don't need coding, that's what the developers are for
I’m looking at web designer jobs now and the adverts all list programming languages like HTML, CSS, JavaScript etc. There aren’t any I can see that don’t require programming.

You need to have a bit more faith in yourself and in other people. I know that's incredibly difficult after your experiences but you have to keep trying.
I am not very resilient. It comes from years of being bullied and excluded. Also because autism is typically black and white thinking, so if a few people tell me I’m not employable then I think I’m not employable by anyone. My therapist has been helping me work through these feelings. I’m looking at content writing and proof reading jobs, that could be a good stopgap for a while.

I’m looking at content writing and proof reading jobs, that could be a good stopgap for a while

That sounds like it might work. Good luck.

@Speraides I will send you a DM with details of an excellent job coach who specialises in autism.

There's a woman on instagram that provides virtual interior design services for regular people. She charges $250 a pop. You send her photos of your space, fill out a survey about what you like and the vibe, then she creates a digital image of what it should look like and list of where to buy it.

No speaking or people skills required. She puts before and afters and gives advice on social media so she probably makes income from that as well.

I would totally pay for that service. A small price to pay if you're going to spend money decorating and want to get it right.

No they wouldn’t get the mortgage paid off, just so you know, there are really strict rules like ‘throw momma from the train’ and they would not just pay out of you did that. So don’t even think about it.

i believe you can find something that’s suitable for you. I really do.
This thread is a great start.

Good luck.

Here is a great place to get freelance, remote interior design work - low set-up and it handles the money.

https://www.fiverr.com/categories/graphics-design/architectural-design-services

OP, you are clearly clever and capable of work. But all the jobs you mention are very customer facing roles - interior design, shop work - they depend on a lot of social skills.

Why don't you retrain in something that you could do from home, with minimal interaction?

And you could consider looking into some adult autist support groups where you may well find friends who accept you as you are.

Or discuss with your DH the possibility of him going self-employed with you working for his company in a non-customer facing role. Perhaps together you could create something that suits you both.

Or discuss with your DH the possibility of him going self-employed with you working for his company in a non-customer facing role. Perhaps together you could create something that suits you both.
That would be ideal. The problem is he can’t quit his job to be self employed unless I have an income to pay the bills. The plan was I would study for a degree then get a graduate job so he could quit his job. Except now I can’t get a job.

But all the jobs you mention are very customer facing roles - interior design
Exactly. Why didn’t any of the many career adviser say “as an autistic person you won’t be able to get a job doing this”. All I’ve ever received is encouragement - until I started applying for jobs. Now I have £40k of student debt and DH is furious because he’s supported me financially while I studied to masters level but now I can’t use it to get a job.

Well the career advisor wouldn’t say that because all autistic people are different and not everyone would struggle with that. We have lots of people with autism at my work and they manage fine with clients. I’m sure there are many others, autistic or not, who wouldn’t. It’s about knowing your own strengths and weaknesses and working with that.

Hi OP,
I think your dh is being really unfair on you here.

As an adult who is able to get a job, he has to support himself and his child financially and also has an obligation to support a partner if he lives with one - hence you cannot claim UC.

He may not be happy in his job but that's not your fault and nor is it your fault that he can't get a sufficiently well paying job doing something he enjoys.

And it's not your fault that you are effectively unemployable due to your autism.

As you've said, it's because you're with him that you can't get state benefits to support yourself so being angry with you in light of all the above is really horrible.

Anyway, I have a dc with ASD and I see daily just how much harder life is for him and it makes my heart hurt that the way our society makes people with autism feel so badly about themselves. Much love to you