My autism is ruining my DH’s life

[Speraides]

I’ve struggled my entire life with noise and bright lights. I struggle with people too, they don’t like me. I can’t cope with interruptions or distractions and I find it hard to concentrate. Unsurprisingly I’ve now been diagnosed with autism.

Nobody has ever wanted to be my friend. Nobody has ever wanted to hire me. Rejection letters always say I’m well qualified but my personality (ie my autism) is the problem. You don’t smile enough, you don’t make eye contact, you were reluctant to shake hands, you didn’t make polite small talk, you’re too withdrawn, etc. I just kept trying and applying for years.

Now I know I’m autistic, I’m wondering what’s the point of continuing? There’s a reason I keep failing. Trying harder won’t fix this. I can’t be non-autistic and that’s what employers and friends want. It’s pointless to even try any more.

But despite being autistic, I’m “not autistic enough” to actually claim any disability benefits. Because I have a degree I’m deemed to be capable of working. And I am capable! The problem is that employers won’t give me a job because of my autistic behaviours. So what am I supposed to do?

My husband works. He isn’t autistic. He hates his job and wants to leave and be self employed. But he can’t, because he’s the sole earner. So he’s angry because I’ve trapped him in his job, because I can’t get hired so he has to support me and our daughter.

I don’t know what to do. If I killed myself the mortgage would get paid off by the insurance and my husband would get a lump sum so he could leave his job. I’m worth more dead than alive.

OP I'll start this post by saying I know nothing about autism apart from what I've read and a couple of people I've worked with but I genuinely think you'd make it if you started up on your own.

Google Alan Gardner he's an autistic gardener.

That could be your USP. I am not creative at all and even if I could afford it I don't think I could handle an interior designer coming into my house. I imagine, (and I know I'm probably very wrong) an arty-farty person coming in an waffling on.

If I had a choice I think I'd prefer someone who would say it as it was.

I really think you have an amazing opportunity here, especially as it's sounds like you're very good at what you do.

I know how hard it is when you have suicidal thoughts, but your daughter would forever think you didn't love her enough to stay.

Most people are aware of autism now so clients would understand your "poor" social skills but as long as you do a brilliant job, they wouldn't care.

I can see an amazing career ahead of you OP, I really can.

I apologise in advance if I've written something to offend you OP, as I mentioned I don't know a lot of about autism.

This!

Working on your own or with a smaller company may suit you.

What's your degree in? What kind of job do you want?

I think there’s a lot of misinformation on here about autism and pandering to stereotypes. Often male steroeotypes too.

Speaking as the mother of a young adult dd with ASD who is very creative and artistic, it’s important to know that not all people with autism are good at maths or could do a job like mechanical engineering. My dd’s school wouldn’t let her sit maths gcse because her mock results were so poor.

And the very essence of an ASD profile is that it is very uneven. A NT person’s skills are usually more evenly distributed and even if you are better at some things than others, you maintain a basic competency in areas like executive function and social interaction for example . Many people with autism have a “spiky” skills set so they can excel at one thing and appear totally NT but have huge deficits in other areas.

This is what the PIP does NOT fully take in to account so I have every sympathy with the op who is being deprived of support because of this basic misunderstanding. My dd is working towards an MA for example, and is expected to do very well, but she cannot catch a train by herself aged 22.

My dd follows a script to a certain extent and has learned socially “acceptable” ways of conversing and making small talk but she cannot read body language well or comprehend unsaid nuances or unspoken rules of communication. She often needs to clarify something.

I've not rtft, but wanted to suggest that you utilise your autism a bit more. That is to say, there are many people who are neurodivergent, or suffer social anxiety or are just quieter types, surely they need interior design projects just as much? Not all customers want or can bare the chatty bubbly types, they just want the job done. Can't you offer your services for those people? You know how you get hairdressers and cashiers now who specifically WON'T chat inane shit with you. Wouldn't it be lovely if we had that option across more services.

I think it depends on the person though. My ASd child wants to be a bloody fashion journalist! I’ve repeatedly told her she will need good communication skills

There does come a point where you need to be realistic about what you can do versus what you want to do with disabilities. It’s like saying a person who is blind and wants to be a radiologist is told that they need to be able to see. But for them it’s either that or nothing so they will just spend their life without a job lamenting that no one would accept them to fulfill their dream of becoming a radiologist.

What would be better, is if they worked out what their interests and skill sets are and then investigate if/how these intersect with reality, and if need be get targeted professional carers assistance to find where this may intersect and then what you need to get there. Maybe retraining is required if you didn’t get this right first time around, maybe an entry level job while you work through this, and people have thrown up good suggestions.

I get what you’re saying. But they said PIP is to pay for care, and I don’t need care. My problem is that nobody will hire me because of my autism, so I need money for my living costs. They said that wouldn’t be PIP, it would be Universal Credit - and I’m not eligible for UC because my husband has too much money. I would have to divorce my husband to be eligible for UC. Hence why he’s angry, because I can’t get a job and I also can’t claim anything so he has to support me.

I think you should consider pivoting into graphic design or website design. You can usually do these jobs remotely and you'd still be using your design skills and creativity.

Also recommend looking for jobs that are within a STEM organisation, a digital start up or the Civil Service or NHS. You should also look at disability charities and the wider third sector. They will all be keen to hire people with autism so do disclose it and the bigger ones all have brand teams and digital teams who need designers. You may just have to wait for the right role. Take a look at charityjob.co.uk or contact specific autism charities and ask about work.

how 'possible' are these things to practice/fake?
I do practice. I try to make the up-and-down of my voice sound natural but it still doesn’t. I smile but it looks forced. I rehearse conversations I’m expecting to have, then I struggle when the actual conversation doesn’t follow my script. I memorise phrases I’ve heard other people use, but maybe I don’t use them at the right time or I don’t deliver them correctly. I have lists of conversation topics but people don’t like it when I look at my list mid-conversation. I grit my teeth and shake hands if offered, but I can’t judge when to offer my hand of my own accord. I can’t read body language or facial expressions, I’ve been known to run away from someone because I’ve misinterpreted their facial expression as anger. Sometimes I say things which I think are fine but then the other person’s reaction suggests it’s absolutely not fine.

In summary: I try very hard but I never quite do it right, no matter how much I practice. Thats what autism is.

How about looking into UX Design work. Working in tools such as Figma to create a user experience within a piece of software (app, website). No coding needed. With your visual design degree and a UX online course , perhaps you’d be able to get an entry level job in the field and go from there. I appreciate the start of the journey is hard.

I think you should consider pivoting into graphic design or website design
It’s called website design but it isn’t really design - it’s programming. I can’t program. I’m not mathematical and my brain doesn’t work that way. I might be able to do graphic design because that’s more visual, but I would have to find the money for another masters degree and I will still struggle with getting hired.

You might be the type of person that looks down on such work but have you tried looking for cleaning jobs?
I really struggle with health anxiety and germs. I don’t think I could touch things that are unhygienic. I had a panic attack cleaning my own toilet after the electrician used it. Physical work is problematic too, I can only walk for a max of about 45mins. I didn’t mention it because it doesn’t prevent me doing a desk job. Unfortunately my leg problem doesn’t make me eligible for PIP - if you can walk 200m then you don’t get PIP - but I can’t do a job on my feet, it has to be a desk job.

Excuse if this has been suggested before, but could you segway your creative abilities from interior design or graphic design and do some IT-based work? There are loads of website design opportunities that are work from home, not client facing. There are a lot of free online courses on UI design to get you started too.

Btw, loads of website-related work does not require any coding or programming knowledge. Also, what are your writing / reading skills like? There are content proof reading jobs that again can be done from home. And jobs for websites that are content focused, again with free courses on content writing best practices.

Do have online friends?
No.

What hobbies do you have?
I draw. Not amazingly well but well enough to design stuff. I’m obsessed with interiors (autistic special interest) so I read books and watch interiors programmes on tv, and I will sketch furniture designs for fun, or build little models of furniture.

Do you do volunteer work?
I have volunteered on charity committees in the past. I couldn’t cope with the bickering and backstabbing so I don’t do that now. I would volunteer if there was limited walking and limited social interaction.

You've not addressed the suggestion of advertising for local clients on Facebook or other SM in order to get work experience
Most average people don’t hire an interior designer, they enjoy picking their own sofa and wallpaper etc, they don’t find it necessary to pay someone to do it. Interior design jobs are normally wealthy people who spend a lot and want it all done for them, or companies who hire someone to do offices or hotels or showrooms etc. The fee you charge is a very small part of your profit; you make your money on supplying the items. I don’t have trade accounts to supply items. Some suppliers won’t even let you have a trade account unless you have a business premises.

I can’t program. Not all autistic people are mathematical or technical. My abilities are in visual design, colour and shape and detail etc.

I can read and write etc. My understanding was that content writing jobs had gone down the toilet since the invention of Chat GPT?

I see from your post that your degree is in interior design. Someone has already said engineering. Software is filled with people on the autistic spectrum. I agree with others about looking to move into this area.

I would honestly look at a work coach. I work in the third sector and we have had 3 people come to us through this route and they have been amazing. They will support you and then your employer so that you find the right role.

There is hope. We have a couple of people with similar issues working for us remotely, and they get the job done with interactions which would make them uncomfortable. In fact, most of our business as clients is by email or text.

One option is to tout for jobs on elancer and similar platforms.

I have ASD but I don’t struggle with communication I’m quite a good masker and can pretend I don’t feel uncomfortable/force eye contact ect.
this has given me the opposite problem, I come across over confident and intense.
I personally would disclose your ASD upon applying for jobs, as not hiring you on the basis you have given would be discrimination.

i also noticed a few recommendations of NHS jobs, I personally had a bad experience with the NHS and I don’t know anyone who isn’t a ‘typical’ autistic person receive support in their roles either.
id definitely go for non customer facing, as you said you can speak to colleagues if necessary and it isn’t compulsory to make small talk/friends at work xx

You absolutely do not need a masters for graphic design, especially if you already have a design based degree.
I used to do some graphic design (having a wee break), don't want to out myself, but I started in a trade, then went in to professional qualifications in the design side of that trade. I did few modules on Photoshop and Quark (which was the program of the day), which really sparked my interest.
I have also taught night school classes. I'm crap with people generally, don't have a diagnosis but I found college was a good abd accomodating employer, although the work was ad hoc.
Get yourself a portfolio together. You can even submit it digitally.

There's also the internet now, if you are creative, then find a niche, market it online, communications by message. Even tutorial videos only need show your hands.
Graphic design artwork can be sold as digital print at home files, you don't even need to create a physical product.

Picking up on what you have said about furniture - could you work with your hands? There are a growing number of programmes to encourage people to train in traditional crafts, including furniture-making. Jay Blades supports a programme and the Prince’s Trust offers funding.

I think we may be similiar.

I will sketch furniture designs for fun, or build little models of furniture.

That is a skill which people pay for, the lady on the link below creates fabulous retro dolls house interiors. Online sales. There are other people doing similiar.

www.instagram.com/minimadehome?igsh=MWxicDVqMTA4NDE2Yw==

I would try to apply for pip again. You should get enough points in the communicating section. Join the website benefits and work,

www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/

they have guides for applying with autism, anxiety/depression. You're not lying, you just have to explain in the right way, how communication causes depression/anxiety.