My autism is ruining my DH’s life

[Speraides]

I’ve struggled my entire life with noise and bright lights. I struggle with people too, they don’t like me. I can’t cope with interruptions or distractions and I find it hard to concentrate. Unsurprisingly I’ve now been diagnosed with autism.

Nobody has ever wanted to be my friend. Nobody has ever wanted to hire me. Rejection letters always say I’m well qualified but my personality (ie my autism) is the problem. You don’t smile enough, you don’t make eye contact, you were reluctant to shake hands, you didn’t make polite small talk, you’re too withdrawn, etc. I just kept trying and applying for years.

Now I know I’m autistic, I’m wondering what’s the point of continuing? There’s a reason I keep failing. Trying harder won’t fix this. I can’t be non-autistic and that’s what employers and friends want. It’s pointless to even try any more.

But despite being autistic, I’m “not autistic enough” to actually claim any disability benefits. Because I have a degree I’m deemed to be capable of working. And I am capable! The problem is that employers won’t give me a job because of my autistic behaviours. So what am I supposed to do?

My husband works. He isn’t autistic. He hates his job and wants to leave and be self employed. But he can’t, because he’s the sole earner. So he’s angry because I’ve trapped him in his job, because I can’t get hired so he has to support me and our daughter.

I don’t know what to do. If I killed myself the mortgage would get paid off by the insurance and my husband would get a lump sum so he could leave his job. I’m worth more dead than alive.

This is me and you need to keep re applying with DWP and ESA 4 times rejected then got it for life. It's standard procedure from what I have heard from others to reject first. Also go with someone who cares for you who can also explain things better. So my autism basically everything you've said but it didn't stop me getting jobs because I declared it straightaway. My first job was as a dental nurse but I struggled people wise so I only stayed a year, the next was Greggs again I had no problem with cleaning,baking but very much struggled with people..someone eventually said why not try your own business and so I started cleaning. I adore it I can go clean people's houses, holiday cottages and do a great job and not have to deal very often with people. My hubby very kindly deals with the paperwork. My hubby works and I can't say how amazing he is. At home we have special lighting that can be turned down when it annoys me, he is very good at seeing when noise becomes a problem or I need me time. He never criticises when I do go out and accidentally say the wrong thing depending how stressed I get just laughs it off. We have so many things in place and my family is also very very supportive for which I'm grateful. My mum becomes the carer when he is at work if I need to go appointments etc as I struggle alone. I can honestly say we have worked around everything without arguments etc. He has worked his way up at work which I supported fully and does things with his mates as I'm perfectly happy 99 percent of the time at home unless got work myself. He also understands when I can bear being touched it's weird feels like physical pain and aware of stress triggers which we now work around. So it can be done with work till you get to the point it all happens naturally without anyone thinking about it

I am so sorry, OP. You sound terribly low.

The first thing to say is that you must seek help for your very low mood and your suicidal thoughts. I know you can trace specific reasons for these feelings but there is nevertheless treatment and support available to treat these very serious symptoms of depression.

There is also help out there to find you fulfilling work. I know a couple of very introverted and / or neurodiverse graphic designers and this kind of work might suit you. Try Ambitious About Autism, Employment Autism, and the National Autistic Society. I wish you so much good luck.

I think you need to do this in steps.
See your gp and get some mental health supprt.
Look for minor volunteer roles that will increase your confidence.
If you start working, perhaps in something low skilled to start with to take pressure off.

You sound very defeatist
I think I am defeatist. Or defeated, perhaps. I’ve tried other areas of employment but my problem is always the same. No matter what I apply for, even if it’s not a customer facing job, there are people working there who don’t want me on their team.

There are also plenty of free courses available online for women to get involved in coding/programming
Not everyone is mentally wired for coding. I’m not. Being autistic doesn’t mean I can code.

But the very fact that you have a DH argues against the fact that nobody has ever liked you or wanted to be around you
I’m under no illusions. We were set up on a blind date by my neighbour, he was 30 and never had a girlfriend because of his weight, so he wasn’t picky. And having a DH doesn’t prove I don’t have social difficulties - otherwise the doctor would have said we can’t diagnose you with autism because you’re married.

OP try and ask here, autism is not a mh condition
It is if you’re depressed and suicidal due to being excluded for being autistic.

Do you also do housework and all the kid stuff?
I do everything apart from his job.

You are being so hard on yourself. Is your husband hard on you too?
He’s angry because I don’t contribute and that means he’s trapped. He wishes he could have got a better partner.

There are absolutely people out there who will value and care about you as a friend, you just haven't met them yet.
This might be defeatist again, but I’ve been around for decades and never met any friends, so I don’t think there are any for me and I have to deal with that.

I be fascinated to see the actual wording.
I posted some of the actual phrases above.

There are loads and loads of people with autism who work
There’s an 85% unemployment rate. More autistic people are excluded from the jobs market than any other type of disability. Not making excuses it’s just a fact.

Did you do work experience at Uni?
Yes. Arranged by the uni and allocated a placement, the employer didn’t get to pick who they got and I gather they found me effective but didn’t like me. There was bullying and I was glad when it ended.

Is there a reason for not looking for other work as a stop gap?
A lot of casual work requires social skills. I’ve managed to get a few crappy jobs but been sacked for autistic behaviours like rocking or twitching, or sitting in a cupboard at lunch break because I need to be left alone not talked at.

There is a job out there for you. Good luck OP.
Thank you. I will try civil service and access to work schemes as suggested.

Please declare your autism as a disability and ask for accommodations.at interview. You are not getting jobs without doing this so you have absolutely nothing to lose by doing so. Hopefully you'll come across a genuinely inclusive employer (they are out there if few and far between) that won't hold it against you. As others have said Access to Work can help with accommodations related to work but also interviews if you need anything funded.

Good luck OP. I am terrible at interviews because of my ADHD (for different reasons to you) and it's really held me back so I do get it. So frustrating.

Re: he friends thing - I think defeated,not defeatist. It's so so hard being undiagnosed. It makes you shut down even more and feel even more isolated. I hope you find the right helpful you and can eventually feel strong enough to get back out there and realise that there are people who will want to know you and spend time with you.

I think specialist counselling and/or possibly some medication for depression for now. Like someone else said - just because there are valid reasons for feeling low it still needs treating.
What do you do for yourself that makes you feel better? Drawing? Yoga? Baking?
What things do you like about yourself? What are your strengths?
This is what I do with my daughter who is ND, possibly AuDHD, and she's struggling a lot right now with the same things. What would you say to your daughter if she was feeling like you are? Take care. I can hear how hard life is for you right now, but please persevere x

OP, can you see if any interior designers are subcontracting out the detailed design/IFC drawings? (I’m not in the U.K., and where I am the DD is undertaken by separate delivery design studios.

Failing that, set yourself up as a competitively priced freelancer for resi. I would use you if you were near me.

Fightback4justice to fight for your benefits!

My friend is Autistic and like you very creative. She works as an illustrator in her own home on her own. She is extremely busy. She is amazingly gifted at baking/ dress design etc but has chosen a career in illustrating children's books and it really works for her. Can you turn your creative side into a home based business. All her contacts with publishers in online and she definitely wouldn't be able to hustle work for herself as her social skills are poor until she really knows you. I am in awe of her talent and her success. I hope you can find your niche. There are people who specialise in career guidance for neuro diverse folk. Could you investigate that?

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, I understand & empathise deeply. You are so, SO important to your daughter , no-one can replace you in her eyes. I think it can be extremely hard for NT spouses to truly understand what it's like being an autistic woman! Having recently been diagnosed myself I'm about to have some career coaching with ND specialists; is that something you could consider? I would also look at some therapy if that is possible for you? Above all, please be kind to yourself x

Yes I think specialist career counselling would help me. Although I’m wary because I’ve seen tons of counsellors over the years and not one has ever given me useful advice like “you’re not suitable to work with other people so don’t waste your time and money studying design”. If literally every single interviewer could see it then why couldn’t any of the career counsellors.

Could you join an autism support group? My DH attends an online group for late diagnosed adults but keeps in touch with them mostly on WhatsApp. It's helped him get his head round his diagnosis and make some friends.

OP what I would do is make it clear in your cover letter/statement/application form that you are autistic and how this translates into your behaviour.

People should not bet telling you to change who you are.

Your behaviour is perfectly normal for someone with your condition.

I would avoid jobs that involve direct customer service and a lot of direct interaction with people.

Also as someone has already said I would make another PIP application and don't hesitate to appeal and go to the tribunal stage if they initially refuse. The system is frankly crooked and they deny a lot of claims at the first stage hoping people will just give up...

I tried local autism support groups but they seem to cater to people with learning disabilities. No offence to them but that’s not suitable for me.

I’ve looked online for employment advice and everyone is telling autistic people to be clear about their difficulties and ask for support. But the actual autistic people all seem to be saying don’t disclose it because you get discriminated against. Why would an employer hire an autistic person when they have several other equally qualified applicants who don’t have that difficulty?

I have done a PIP application and appealed, to no avail. They said I have a masters degree so clearly I can get myself washed and dressed, I can use transport to get myself to uni, and I can talk and read and communicate. Plus I’ve briefly held jobs before which backs all of that up, plus I’m married with a child, plus if you google me I’m a published author, I’ve volunteered on committees and at uni I was even in a stage production.

They’re totally right - I don’t have care needs or mobility difficulties so I’m not eligible for PIP. PIP isn’t intended to support you because you can’t socialise correctly so nobody will hire you, or because you can’t cope with the workplace. It’s supposed to be for care needs, and I don’t need care. As far as I can tell I’m not entitled to any benefits. I’m capable of working - literally my only problem is discrimination, ie nobody wants me.

Do have online friends?

What hobbies do you have?

Do you do volunteer work?

You've not addressed the suggestion of advertising for local clients on Facebook or other SM in order to get work experience.

I haven’t read the whole thread, apologies if this has already been suggested, but look for employers who are part of the Disability Confident scheme.

https://www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/disability-friendly-employers/

Anyone reading this who is an employer, please sign up!

And please don’t get disheartened. You are skilled and valuable.

You might be the type of person that looks down on such work but have you tried looking for cleaning jobs? If you look around there are always lone working cleaning jobs. You won't need to interact with anyone, you follow a set order to do the tasks etc. very easy and stress free. Recruiters are mostly just happy a person can speak/read English so don't care about a bit of oddness.

I have a child with ASD and every one of their school friends had it (they gravitate together seemingly). All employed, but all have gone into areas where people skills are basically not required

I think it depends on the person though. My ASd child wants to be a bloody fashion journalist! I’ve repeatedly told her she will need good communication skills.

Not all ASd girls are into Stem. A large number are creative and visual. The op fits into this.

Visual Designer in a Start Up? normally remote. I have worked in tech my whole career but in finance. Tech companies need creative types too.

Have you tried working on your own? Advertise as a decorator specialising in decorating for autistic people. Seek your own clients.
Can you and husband work in your own business part time and DH work fewer days in paid job?

PIP isn’t intended to support you because you can’t socialise correctly

But this falls under communication skills on the Pip assessment. It absolutely is there for those who can’t socialise easily. Whilst Pip are twats, lm suprised they are using previous evidence ( university etc) because it’s about the present. And it does recognise that conditions change.

My Dd is in burnout. She’s on full pip. She got 9 GCSE in 2021. Now she’s too unwell to do much,

Look at related roles but different sectors eg interior design, so look at ship design, naval engineering companies etc. who will be a lot more open to different personalities! Interior design companies that I've had contact with over the years seem to hire a certain type of person, and more about their background than eye contact I should add, they all seem to be public school educated, living off daddy's money! Ok that's not all I'm sure but it's the impression I got when I had contact with that sector.

Contrast this with very important jobs - eg gchq, part of the civil service, actively recruits and supports those with neurodivergence if they have particular skill sets, DD's friend works for them and needs a lot of support in his personal life but shines at work as his brain is just amazing

Engineering and scientific research are full of people with autistic traits let's say, diagnosed of not. But they aren't the only career areas, manufacturing is another area where sales aside which requires a personality type, nobody will care if you aren't a people person as long as you are good at your job.

Get support from your GP for your mental health but I do think applying for a very different job and succeeding will really make the difference.

Genuine question, I'm not experienced in the field... how 'possible' are these things to practice/fake?

I'm not social or empathetic AT ALL, but I've learned to ask how people are doing, act interested, ask people to meet up.. etc. Even though it's 100% not me.

These things mentioned, like eye contact, shaking hands etc are things that can be consciously 'forced', no? You might not feel it, might not want it, but can it not be planned, like with a cheat-sheet? I must remember to: shake hands and smile upon meeting, ask how their day is, consciously remember to look frequently at them.. etc

My autistic dd is a musician, 3/4 of the youngsters on her course are autistic! Thankfully musicians are expected to be square pegs.

She has worked in retail and in hospitality though, many employers are fairly progressive now. One guy at McDonald's (busy branch) only fries fries, that's all, 8 hour shift, and they are great with him - he barely speaks (he can speak). It just illustrates there's functions you can do with fairly severe limitations.