Messed up my friends hen do

[CPRSavesLives]

I'm feeling so shit right now, I could really do with some support.

My closest friend is getting married soon. I was invited to the hen do, and I really didnt want to go. I suffer from PTSD and anxiety, and struggle in strange places and with people i don't know. This party is a whole weekend at an air bnb miles away from home and the only people I know are the hen and her 17 year old daughter. I've been really struggling with my mental health recently and have taken a couple of overdoses of my medications recently, but I'm trying to get better. Even though I really didn't want to go, and I told my friend I was worried about it, she was fairly insistent that I came, and that I'd be fine.

She'd asked her daughter to organise the whole thing as a surprise, but unsurprisingly it was a bit of a tall order for a 17 year old to organise everything so I stepped up to help her. The bnb was booked fine, and I helped arrange the budget, book a takeaway for the Friday night, a bottomless brunch for the Saturday afternoon and a grazing platter for the Saturday evening. I wanted the whole thing to be really special for my friend, so I suggested we booked some kind of entertainment for the Saturday night, and found a company that offered drag Queens or Butlers in the buff. My friends daughter loved the idea of the Butlers so we booked 2 guys for 1 hour with the intention that they would serve drinks and pose for pictures.

Anyway all goes well and here we are on the Saturday night. 2 butlers turn up and it all starts fine, they are serving drinks and playing cheeky games, the bride is loving it and although it gets a bit risqué it's nothing too terrible and everyone seems to be having a good time. After they'd finished they get dressed and hang around for a little while sharing some food from the platter- all good. Once they'd gone everyone was chattering away about it all in a positive light. Then suddenly the mood turns. My friends daughter says she felt uncomfortable playing the games, says one of the Butlers made her feel uncomfortable and starts to blame her mum saying she was too busy having a good time to notice her own daughter wasn't enjoying herself. I didn't notice either, she was up joining in the ganes and seemed to be having a great time, but hey she says she was uncomfortable so that's what she was.

So now mum and daughter are having a bit of a row about it, other people are joining in too and its all getting heated. I wait for a quiet moment and say that actually it's my fault because I was the one who'd suggested it, found the company online and helped the daughter to book it. Ive never been on a hen do before so I guess I just thought it would be fun. My friend turns to me and actually yells at me to stay out of it, like really shouts right at me. I was so shocked I just got up and walked out of the room, upstairs to the room I'm sleeping in and thats where I am now. I can't stop crying, I'm so upset and I just want go home, but I can't because I've had a few drinks, and even if I hadn't, my car is blocked in. I'm also sharing a room (and bed) with a lady I've never met before so I can't even just cry and cry, I need to try and hide that I'm upset.

My friends daughter knocked on the door and asked if I wanted to come down for a drink and I said no thanks, maybe i should have but I just can't face it. I feel so awful about causing this row, even though its all over now and I can hear them all giggling downstairs, and I'm so devastated that my friend shouted at me in front of everyone. What can I do to stop feeling so upset? How can I make it up to my friend after ruining her do? And how can I put this out of my mind so I don't do anything silly over the next few days, I live on my own so have no one who can help keep me safe.

Feeling very vulnerable and alone right now.

Sending one huge huge gentle hug. How awful of your friend to have shouted. You stepped in and helped and did a magnificent job. And travelled all that way against you better judgement. Total gratitude is all you warrant. A public thank you and round of applause. I'd clear your mind of anything but, and pause for a second and analyse what just happened. You stepped between two parties having a domestic argument. Never wise, they always turn. Seasoned police totally dread. And why they were rowing has nothing to do with the butlers, that's not the way drunk fights work. Your friend's daughter feels left out, sidelined by the whole marriage, and blew up her uncomfortableness for attention. Which her mother recognised spoilt brat that she can be, and resented her ruining her moment in spotlight. With alcohol fuelling the emotional flames. This was never about you, and your attempt to insert your self and diffuse the situation by being sacrificial and offering to take the blame went horribly wrong for. Nothing to be done, lesson learned. Your friend if a proper friend wouldn't have twisted your arm to go. And left the organising to someone too young. You leave a hero for, head up, and depart as soon as politely possible, lesson learned. Look after yourself. Finest wishes A

I personally think the hen owes you an apology, you had a big part in organising the weekend and she should have been grateful, the butlers in the buff should have stayed well away from a 17yo girl and just interacted with the older women.

I would be questioning your friendship with this woman and backing away from her for a bit, she sounds bullish and controlling, you made it clear you didn’t feel comfortable going and she guilted you into changing your mind,

Hi OP,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

OP, I think you did exactly the right thing in walking out of the room and away from the mother/daughter row when the former turned on you. Much better to get out of the situation than stay and watch it potentially escalate into a full scale all hen party ruckus. Having a good cry upstairs in the bedroom won’t have done you any harm whatsoever and will have relieved the tension for you at least.

Hopefully you are now at home with your dog who I bet has given you a great welcome back. Weather permitting a walk together this afternoon will clear your head. Take care of yourself and hopefully your not so dear friend will apologise to you.i

100% agree with this.

Hope you're okay x

You sound like men saying 'It's just fun, bants.'

It's grim in my opinion.
I find it uncomfortable to think of a 17 year old participating in this stuff with her mum there.
It's not about what's she's done or not done with friends her own age, that's completely different. The idea of doing that with my mother and her friends is awful.

However this is not OP's responsibility at all.

It's all part and parcel of the same commercial sex industry.

Yes ^^ This.

Tell me what % of butlers in the buff are trafficked.

It's not about trafficking, it's about the inappropriate sexualization of almost every aspect of our society- actually that is about trafficking, that's where it leads to.

There are so many people, men and women who appear to think sexualising anything is acceptable. It isn't. It leads to it becoming a mainstream profit source.

Think about it- clothing, sex toys, porn, 'Daddy' sites, bars where women and men are exploited, prostitution, celebs prepared to expose their bodies in mainstream newspapers and magazines, reality tv, tv programmes , online stuff, drag stuff, social media. There are no limits it seems, it has been normalised. It's available to anyone. It's mainly legal . It is barely even policed now.

30 + years ago in Britain there was not a 1/100 th of the stuff there is now. It's everywhere. And it does lead to trafficking. There's big money in it.

Younger people have grown up with it and think it's ok, think they have to be part of it. It isn't and they don't.

The attitudes of many young men now towards females are utterly disgusting. Many females are not much better- they don't even think about this and how they are affected, how their behaviour contributes to what has happened.

It's got nothing to do with trafficking. See LuluBlakey1's excellent explanation.

@LuluBlakey1

I agree with your post

I rember they used to sell Playboy pencil ✏️ cases for school children back in the 90s eta

that's how 🤔 mainstream and normalised it had become

Rember wet T -shirts competitions at Ibiza ect?

Rember page 3 girls on The Sun
Like it was news women possess boobs and Samatha fox and Charlotte Church countdowns to be 16years of age in the low grade newspapers of that time then ect?

But what I remember is women outraged about page 3. It was considered something worth fighting over as exploitation. No one would bat an eyelid now- people can watch porn on their phone, look at sexually explicit websites on the train to work, hire strippers, go online and pay a woman to strip and touch herself and fake coming on camera, or hire naked men wearing a pinny, get drunk blindfold themselves and feel his body looking for a hidden whatever- with their 17 year old daughter, their mum and aunty joining in .

Feeling some blokes naked bottom to find a plaster placed there by my mother is the stuff of freaking nightmares and maybe the 17 year old in question didn't realise what this whole butler thing would be like until it was happening, hence upset.

On some threads people tout the "brains not fully developed until they're 25" line, but when a very young woman becomes uncomfortable with this sleazy nonsense, it is somehow her fault.

ETA I'm glad hen nights involved dinner, a few cocktails and a nightclub when I was going to them.

Did they apologise OP?

Hows things OP?

Hi everyone, final update from me. I got home Sunday lunchtime and had a nap becaise the last I was sharing a bed with turned out to be a heavy snorer and I hadn't slept much.

Around teatime there was a knock at the door and it was my friend, we had a good chat, I tried to apologise for suggesting the Butlers, and she said noone owed anyone an apology other then her for raising her voice to me. She said she'd had a great weekend, and that everything was OK. We talked it through, she thanked me for arranging everything and said that everyone had enjoyed the Butlers and the argument had just been her daughter being a bit drunk and emotional.

I feel a lot better, I'm glad my friend apologised because honestly she is such a good person, and I love her.

So all good, I'm going to spend the next few weeks focusing on my mental health, I'm meeting my new support worker tomorrow and plan to be honest with her that I'm in a bit of a dip and might need a bit more help thanmi have over the last few months.

Thanks everyone for your support, and those of you who were unkind please try and remember that there are folks out there who struggle sometimes, and maybe dont always make smart choices, but that doesn't excuse being mean just for the sake of it. Try to be more kind, it makes the world a better place.

I'm glad that things are smooth now between you and your friend. Take care.

Good result!

So happy for you

All's well that ends well and I'm so glad your friend came to say sorry and I wish you all the best for your mental health in the future x

Look after yourself and thank you for updating us. So glad your friend apologised and you've sorted things out .

So pleased to read your update.

Definitely the right result