Messed up my friends hen do

[CPRSavesLives]

I'm feeling so shit right now, I could really do with some support.

My closest friend is getting married soon. I was invited to the hen do, and I really didnt want to go. I suffer from PTSD and anxiety, and struggle in strange places and with people i don't know. This party is a whole weekend at an air bnb miles away from home and the only people I know are the hen and her 17 year old daughter. I've been really struggling with my mental health recently and have taken a couple of overdoses of my medications recently, but I'm trying to get better. Even though I really didn't want to go, and I told my friend I was worried about it, she was fairly insistent that I came, and that I'd be fine.

She'd asked her daughter to organise the whole thing as a surprise, but unsurprisingly it was a bit of a tall order for a 17 year old to organise everything so I stepped up to help her. The bnb was booked fine, and I helped arrange the budget, book a takeaway for the Friday night, a bottomless brunch for the Saturday afternoon and a grazing platter for the Saturday evening. I wanted the whole thing to be really special for my friend, so I suggested we booked some kind of entertainment for the Saturday night, and found a company that offered drag Queens or Butlers in the buff. My friends daughter loved the idea of the Butlers so we booked 2 guys for 1 hour with the intention that they would serve drinks and pose for pictures.

Anyway all goes well and here we are on the Saturday night. 2 butlers turn up and it all starts fine, they are serving drinks and playing cheeky games, the bride is loving it and although it gets a bit risqué it's nothing too terrible and everyone seems to be having a good time. After they'd finished they get dressed and hang around for a little while sharing some food from the platter- all good. Once they'd gone everyone was chattering away about it all in a positive light. Then suddenly the mood turns. My friends daughter says she felt uncomfortable playing the games, says one of the Butlers made her feel uncomfortable and starts to blame her mum saying she was too busy having a good time to notice her own daughter wasn't enjoying herself. I didn't notice either, she was up joining in the ganes and seemed to be having a great time, but hey she says she was uncomfortable so that's what she was.

So now mum and daughter are having a bit of a row about it, other people are joining in too and its all getting heated. I wait for a quiet moment and say that actually it's my fault because I was the one who'd suggested it, found the company online and helped the daughter to book it. Ive never been on a hen do before so I guess I just thought it would be fun. My friend turns to me and actually yells at me to stay out of it, like really shouts right at me. I was so shocked I just got up and walked out of the room, upstairs to the room I'm sleeping in and thats where I am now. I can't stop crying, I'm so upset and I just want go home, but I can't because I've had a few drinks, and even if I hadn't, my car is blocked in. I'm also sharing a room (and bed) with a lady I've never met before so I can't even just cry and cry, I need to try and hide that I'm upset.

My friends daughter knocked on the door and asked if I wanted to come down for a drink and I said no thanks, maybe i should have but I just can't face it. I feel so awful about causing this row, even though its all over now and I can hear them all giggling downstairs, and I'm so devastated that my friend shouted at me in front of everyone. What can I do to stop feeling so upset? How can I make it up to my friend after ruining her do? And how can I put this out of my mind so I don't do anything silly over the next few days, I live on my own so have no one who can help keep me safe.

Feeling very vulnerable and alone right now.

That entertainment sounds vile but I certainly hope your friend has apologised for shouting at you.

Your friend is not a good friend.

A good friend would be totally understanding of the fact that someone really struggling with their mental health would find a hen weekend difficult, would reassure you that it was fine to not go, and celebrate with you another time.

Instead, she guilted you into going, knowing that you would really struggle with it and that you had recently experienced instances of self harm.

She is not a good friend.

Could t be further from the truth;) . Thats why she needs to stop overthinking this. It isnt her fault... but hiding away and making a bit more drama wont help her

I agree. Op has been emotionally blackmailed. Not a thing a friend would do.

I used to suffer from this terrible anxiety like you over nights out. I often ended up being very upset just as you described.

Things got better when I limited myself to 2 alcoholic drinks a night. It's unfortunate that some of us get tremendous highs and lows from alcohol. I promise that you will have a much happier social life if you take this simple measure to look after yourself.

I am not a big drinker. This weekend was the first drinks I had had since new years eve. 5 half glasses of prosseco over 5 hours which included lunch. But thanks, I take your point

I know, what company do people keep that being screamed at on a night out is not deemed noteworthy and upsetting. It’s all a bit desperate housewives. I’d be really upset as well.

@CPRSavesLives hope you are safely home now

How was this morning @CPRSavesLives ?

i agree, it’s making me feel queasy, doing stuff like that with your mum, or your mum being comfortable to do something like that with her daughter there. It’s all kinds of wrong.

op they sound bloody rough I’d stay away for that reason.

If you're on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication then generally drinking isn't advised as it can have really unpleasant side effects.

Hope you're feeling better OP and have got some perspective on last night, which sounds to me like all fizzled out quite quickly. My advice to you would be going forward, play to your strengths and give a wide berth to things you've no experience of.
You'll know by now through bitter experience that this sort of thing and 17 year old girls are a very bad mix, and that there are all sorts of other issues around these 'acts', that you'll have been stridently informed of on this thread. So now you now. You didn't then, so it wasn't really your forte to take charge, even though kindly meant.
The second take away I think is, its not all about you. Mum and daughter were having an argument and you turned the focus to yourself, which helped no one and made it worse for you. Sometimes the best thing when drink is flowing and emotion is high is to keep a low profile and say nothing unless you need to. This is especially important if you're likely to dwell and ruminate on what you've said or done, which feeds your anxiety. As does alcohol!
I hope all is well now everyone's sobered up.

no good deed goes unpunished!
The things you chose are hardly unusual for a hen night. I think that whoever got carried away and was getting the 17 year old to touch the butler maybe need to have a bit of reflection time, and the 17 year old shouldnt have been put in the position of either booking the hen do or getting involved with the strippergram.
Its not your fault OP. I think the 17 year old will need to learn to speak up before she ends up being cajoled into party games that make her uncomfortable, rather than just exploding at her mum later.
What a load of drama. I am not surprised you are all upset and unsettled.
my advice would be to take time away from them all. Ghost them for a week or two. Dont get any more involved than you need to. Lick your wounds a bit and remind yourself that you havent done anything crazy or wrong, and that sometimes you cant predict this sort of drama happening, but it wasnt your fault.

How was the mood in the house when you went down this morning op?

NYE was only three weeks ago. Alcohol really knocks my mental health. I’d really lay off it if I were you, OP.

The booking sites ask for confirmation no guests will be under 18. Neither of the adults involved, OP or the bride, should have facilitated their being there.

It's grim (whatever the ages)

Hope you're home safe.

Did you see any of the other hens before you left?

I would hope the bride was very shamefaced, as I think her behaviour was awful

Could t be further from the truth;) . Thats why she needs to stop overthinking this. It isnt her fault... but hiding away and making a bit more drama wont help her

Your way of dealing with things isn't necessarily everybody's way, though, and accusing OP of 'drama' is quite the put-down imo.

@LuluBlakey1

That aside, what on earth makes women think these 'naked butlers' is ok? If a woman posted on her saying her DH/DP had been on a stag weekend where they had privately hired naked women, who came to a flat, stripped off and wore just a small frilly pinny, served them drinks and the men played games like blindfold the drunk men and they find the plaster on her bum by feeling her body until they found it , I can just imagine the responses.

Completely agree. How on earth are drag queens or naked butlers entertainment. And a 17 yo would not likely come up with that idea so there is some element of pressure there. It’s just tacky.

No you're not the only one.

New years eve wasn't that long ago!

That is not cheeky, that is sleazy. A 17yo feeling an adult male’s bum, gross.

Not sure why you suggested this activity to an impressionable 17yo, of course she was going to take your adult advice and book whatever you suggested!

I think you are minimising your involvement in this and your friend knows it.

Anyway, the moral is next time your instinct tells you not to go to a hen do, don’t go!

I agree, it’s disgusting. And OP seems to think because the 17yo was laughing along then she was fine. But she clearly wasn’t and I’m glad she spoke up.

I hope your friend apologised to you. It wasn't your fault.

I agree with you, can’t believe the number of people suggesting the daughter was being dramatic or needs to grow up! That sounds gross as fuck to me, and I’m not 17 (or a prude, before that comes up)!