Messed up my friends hen do

[CPRSavesLives]

I'm feeling so shit right now, I could really do with some support.

My closest friend is getting married soon. I was invited to the hen do, and I really didnt want to go. I suffer from PTSD and anxiety, and struggle in strange places and with people i don't know. This party is a whole weekend at an air bnb miles away from home and the only people I know are the hen and her 17 year old daughter. I've been really struggling with my mental health recently and have taken a couple of overdoses of my medications recently, but I'm trying to get better. Even though I really didn't want to go, and I told my friend I was worried about it, she was fairly insistent that I came, and that I'd be fine.

She'd asked her daughter to organise the whole thing as a surprise, but unsurprisingly it was a bit of a tall order for a 17 year old to organise everything so I stepped up to help her. The bnb was booked fine, and I helped arrange the budget, book a takeaway for the Friday night, a bottomless brunch for the Saturday afternoon and a grazing platter for the Saturday evening. I wanted the whole thing to be really special for my friend, so I suggested we booked some kind of entertainment for the Saturday night, and found a company that offered drag Queens or Butlers in the buff. My friends daughter loved the idea of the Butlers so we booked 2 guys for 1 hour with the intention that they would serve drinks and pose for pictures.

Anyway all goes well and here we are on the Saturday night. 2 butlers turn up and it all starts fine, they are serving drinks and playing cheeky games, the bride is loving it and although it gets a bit risqué it's nothing too terrible and everyone seems to be having a good time. After they'd finished they get dressed and hang around for a little while sharing some food from the platter- all good. Once they'd gone everyone was chattering away about it all in a positive light. Then suddenly the mood turns. My friends daughter says she felt uncomfortable playing the games, says one of the Butlers made her feel uncomfortable and starts to blame her mum saying she was too busy having a good time to notice her own daughter wasn't enjoying herself. I didn't notice either, she was up joining in the ganes and seemed to be having a great time, but hey she says she was uncomfortable so that's what she was.

So now mum and daughter are having a bit of a row about it, other people are joining in too and its all getting heated. I wait for a quiet moment and say that actually it's my fault because I was the one who'd suggested it, found the company online and helped the daughter to book it. Ive never been on a hen do before so I guess I just thought it would be fun. My friend turns to me and actually yells at me to stay out of it, like really shouts right at me. I was so shocked I just got up and walked out of the room, upstairs to the room I'm sleeping in and thats where I am now. I can't stop crying, I'm so upset and I just want go home, but I can't because I've had a few drinks, and even if I hadn't, my car is blocked in. I'm also sharing a room (and bed) with a lady I've never met before so I can't even just cry and cry, I need to try and hide that I'm upset.

My friends daughter knocked on the door and asked if I wanted to come down for a drink and I said no thanks, maybe i should have but I just can't face it. I feel so awful about causing this row, even though its all over now and I can hear them all giggling downstairs, and I'm so devastated that my friend shouted at me in front of everyone. What can I do to stop feeling so upset? How can I make it up to my friend after ruining her do? And how can I put this out of my mind so I don't do anything silly over the next few days, I live on my own so have no one who can help keep me safe.

Feeling very vulnerable and alone right now.

The people accusing OP of being a drama llama… nope. Good friends don’t treat anyone this way. Let alone someone going through anxiety and PTSD. Set some boundaries and get some real friends! Seriously

If I’d gone to loads of trouble to organise a friends hen do, then tried to diffuse an argument and they shouted at me in front of everyone then I’d probably need a good cry too. I am the opposite of a drama llama. I’m always ‘keeping my head when all around are losing theirs’.

It’s dreadful behaviour of the hen. Shouting aggressively at people is unacceptable and shocking behaviour and calling the OP a drama llama says more about your standards of behaviour than her.

Your friend emotionally blackmailed you into going knowing you're in a vulnerable place and then shouted at you like that? You're not the issue, bride or not, your friend is the arsehole. If you don't get an apology when she sobers up then I'd put some distance between you.

Op, you really haven't done anything wrong. But please, don't just give your friend a free pass on this one. I understand she was drunk but she should apologise for taking her anger out on you. Any true friend worth their salt would. You've put so much effort in for her so please value yourself just this little at least.

Yes leave with dignity and distance yourself from the friend. Who needs friends like that? Who gets pissed and has a blazing row with a teenage daughter on a weekend away? Then nastily turns on other people? Someone you don’t need in your life, that’s who. I think your anxiety has made you extra vulnerable-be good to yourself and have other people in your life who are good to you too.

This was not your fault. You did a good thing to help the daughter. The naked butlers was fine . The daughter is being wet and could have said no to joining in the games if she was embarrassed.
Your friend should not have shouted.
It will all be ok in the morning. Be brave , try to smile and then take a deep breath and move on.

Hope you got an ok night sleep op. From what you describe it was the hen and her daughter that causes the argument. Possibly including a 17 yr old in butler in the buff activities was a bit of a mistake but that’s on the hen for including her DD in that type of hen weekend.

I think, if anything, you should be angry at the hen. How dare she shout at you! From what you describe though it was the fault of the people arguing and not your fault.

Naked butlers, Mum and a 17yo, no wonder the poor girl was uncomfortable!
But I think you should always base gratitude on the effort not the outcome, so your friend was rude and ungrateful! Maybe think next time though!

So there were male strippers and copious amounts of alcohol, all in front of a minor?

Classy.

Good luck OP, let us know how it goes x

This is 100% beer fear. This morning it will be as if it had never happened.

And don't ever feel responsible for a mum and a YA daughter arguing. Speaking as a mum and a daughter that's as inevitable as sparks flying upwards.

I’m mainly concerned you have hired sex workers at an event with a 17 year old present.

@Cloudysky81 really? The mother manipulated a woman with ptsd and mental health issues to organise a hen party. The 17 year old chose it and the OP booked it thinking that’s what the mother wanted.

@CPRSavesLives your best friend isn’t a very good friend or mother. She shouldn’t have put either of you in this position. She has an inappropriate relationship with her daughter and clearly thinks it is acceptable to be manipulative to you, a vulnerable person to get what she wants.

I’d park this relationship and get some therapy around boundaries and recognising toxic friendships and not to people please. I promise you’ll enjoy your life so much more when you learn the power of no.

I hope you get home safely. Call another friend that wasn’t at the hen, so you can offload your weekend a bit and so you aren’t alone.

Lovely OP you’ve done nothing wrong. You did an amazing job here of organising a great hen do (Iv done one I know how stressful it can be!) the event itself sounded brill. Unfortunately when alcohol is involved stuff gets out of control & people say things/do things they don’t mean. That said the hen is the one out of order here. She pressured you into attending when you weren’t comfortable …but you did. She expected her 17 yo to organise- that’s too much- so you being a good friend & person helped out. Very good of you. Does your friend know you have anxiety & PTSD? If so she should’ve been respectful of this and drunk or not she should not have shouted at you. I’d be expecting a sincere apology from her if I were you! Don’t worry about it being “ruined” it wasn’t. The hen & her family carried on enjoying themselves after the row. This stuff happens sometimes with a lot of booze then gets forgotten. You know you couldn’t relax after that and this is likely because of how your condition affects you. Please be kind to yourself & take some time out for self care. I think going to an event where you don’t know hardly anyone and sharing a bed with a random person is extremely brave and even without your diagnosis this is anxiety inducing!! I’d hate it!! Recognise you put yourself way out of your comfort zone & ended up being yelled at. Your mate is out of order on a number of levels she was the person at fault here. Do not blame yourself. If you don’t get a thanks for organising & an apology for the drunken yelling I’d be distancing from this person.
have a lovely day OP 💐

The bride owes you a big apology. She doesn't sound like a good friend. The 17 year old should have quietly removed herself if she was so uncomfortable, instead she played along. But to her credit she did come up to see if you would like to come back downstairs.
You sound like a wonderful friend.

You didn’t mess up OP. A 17 year old drunk attention seeking girl messed up but that’s not on you.

Hope you managed to get some sleep and are feeling ok.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/

Some mental health first aid support and listening services that you might find useful.

All of this @CPRSavesLives your friend really doesn’t sound understanding or supportive of you, she shouldn’t emotionally manipulate someone she’s knows is fragile. Ignore the horrible comments, this is Mumsnet after all. You made massive efforts and your friend is an arse. I’d be getting out of there as soon as possible and fuck going to the actual wedding if you don’t get an apology at the very least.

A quick look at 'Butlers in the Buff'
"2.7 It is the responsibility of the person who has booked the service to provide a venue that is private, away from the general public and where there are no people under the age of 18."

Op I hope you managed to get some sleep and are feeling a little better this morning. Things can get majorly blown out of proportion with alcohol you have done nothing wrong here and it should be your friend feeling guilty and ashamed of herself for screaming at you when you were only trying to help. You sound like a lovely caring friend, anxiety is an absolutely bitch I know first hand.so you should be proud of yourself for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and going along for your friend (and planning the whole bloody thing by the sounds of it)I hope she is worth it cos tbh she doesn't sound like a very good friend to you. It sounds as though you are having a really hard time ATM please be kind to yourself. None of what's happened last night is your fault. ❤️

"Sex Workers"!!!! What planet are you on?

Do not blame urself. It was ridiculous to expect a 17 year old to organise something like this. Why was it only down to u to.help? Ok she felt uncomfortable, point taken, but if there had been more collaboration this could have been avoided. Pat urself on the back for going in the first place. I hope this morning tempers are less frayed. Make your well being ur priority OP.

OP you’ve been a great friend, putting yourself out of your comfort zone, stepping into to help organise a GREAT sounding itinerary, then selflessly accepting some responsibility to try and diffuse an argument between a load of drunken numpties.
You friend sounds like a twat, leaving all the organising up to her TEENAGE daughter, arguing with her, and then shouting at you. Daughter sounds like she may be a chip off the old block, too. They sound like a pair of hot messes.
Please don’t worry, you’re not at fault here and they should be thanking you.

Hope you're okay? Don't worry about it, people act weird when they're drunk. Just get ip and go home. Never go on another trip again with them.

Especially sex workers who share the buffet! Outrageous 😉

@CPRSavesLives - how are you doing today? You've got lots of support on here so do come back if you feel able.

You mentioned about being worried about how to keep yourself safe over the following few days. I promise you, although this seems huge and overwhelming now, it will pass. I always say to myself "this too shall pass" - because it's true. It's not as big as it feels. You were in a situation at an unfamiliar location with unfamiliar people and you were stuck there.

I've struggle with my MH at times, and I know when I'm not in a good place, things can really seem much bigger than they are. I wouldn't be happy about a friend yelling in my face, but if you're already uncomfortable, that would feel huge.

This little tool has helped me a lot. I don't normally go for this kind of thing but it's only about a minute long, and if you concentrate on it, it's weirdly calming. It's helped me a lot when I've been stuck on a certain thought and having ideas of self-harm. http://www.pixelthoughts.co/#

If you find yourself struggling, try this tool, and also the MH helplines that a PP mentioned. Don't wait until you reach crisis point to reach out - those helplines are there for anyone who knows that they're spiralling downwards. Nipping negative feelings in the bud early can stop you taking an overdose or doing something else harmful.

These feelings will pass. You are OK. Hold onto those thoughts 💐