Messed up my friends hen do

[CPRSavesLives]

I'm feeling so shit right now, I could really do with some support.

My closest friend is getting married soon. I was invited to the hen do, and I really didnt want to go. I suffer from PTSD and anxiety, and struggle in strange places and with people i don't know. This party is a whole weekend at an air bnb miles away from home and the only people I know are the hen and her 17 year old daughter. I've been really struggling with my mental health recently and have taken a couple of overdoses of my medications recently, but I'm trying to get better. Even though I really didn't want to go, and I told my friend I was worried about it, she was fairly insistent that I came, and that I'd be fine.

She'd asked her daughter to organise the whole thing as a surprise, but unsurprisingly it was a bit of a tall order for a 17 year old to organise everything so I stepped up to help her. The bnb was booked fine, and I helped arrange the budget, book a takeaway for the Friday night, a bottomless brunch for the Saturday afternoon and a grazing platter for the Saturday evening. I wanted the whole thing to be really special for my friend, so I suggested we booked some kind of entertainment for the Saturday night, and found a company that offered drag Queens or Butlers in the buff. My friends daughter loved the idea of the Butlers so we booked 2 guys for 1 hour with the intention that they would serve drinks and pose for pictures.

Anyway all goes well and here we are on the Saturday night. 2 butlers turn up and it all starts fine, they are serving drinks and playing cheeky games, the bride is loving it and although it gets a bit risqué it's nothing too terrible and everyone seems to be having a good time. After they'd finished they get dressed and hang around for a little while sharing some food from the platter- all good. Once they'd gone everyone was chattering away about it all in a positive light. Then suddenly the mood turns. My friends daughter says she felt uncomfortable playing the games, says one of the Butlers made her feel uncomfortable and starts to blame her mum saying she was too busy having a good time to notice her own daughter wasn't enjoying herself. I didn't notice either, she was up joining in the ganes and seemed to be having a great time, but hey she says she was uncomfortable so that's what she was.

So now mum and daughter are having a bit of a row about it, other people are joining in too and its all getting heated. I wait for a quiet moment and say that actually it's my fault because I was the one who'd suggested it, found the company online and helped the daughter to book it. Ive never been on a hen do before so I guess I just thought it would be fun. My friend turns to me and actually yells at me to stay out of it, like really shouts right at me. I was so shocked I just got up and walked out of the room, upstairs to the room I'm sleeping in and thats where I am now. I can't stop crying, I'm so upset and I just want go home, but I can't because I've had a few drinks, and even if I hadn't, my car is blocked in. I'm also sharing a room (and bed) with a lady I've never met before so I can't even just cry and cry, I need to try and hide that I'm upset.

My friends daughter knocked on the door and asked if I wanted to come down for a drink and I said no thanks, maybe i should have but I just can't face it. I feel so awful about causing this row, even though its all over now and I can hear them all giggling downstairs, and I'm so devastated that my friend shouted at me in front of everyone. What can I do to stop feeling so upset? How can I make it up to my friend after ruining her do? And how can I put this out of my mind so I don't do anything silly over the next few days, I live on my own so have no one who can help keep me safe.

Feeling very vulnerable and alone right now.

You sound like you've done a fab job and not ruined anything! Emotions can run high on hen dos after everyone's had a few drinks, and emotions run even higher between a mum and her teenage daughter. They've probably not even thought twice about it though.

Well done for putting yourself out there, but also for looking after yourself and taking yourself away from a situation that was too uncomfortable for you. Have a good night sleep and I hope you feel better about it in the morning as you haven't done anything wrong here.

Very nicely put

I don't think the bride is a nice person. She badgered you into coming. She left the organizing to her clueless 17 year old who sounds very wet indeed whining about feeling uncomfortable about something she had enthusiastically booked. So what if she was uncomfortable - she'll know better next time. And then for the bride to scream at you. The bride should have come and spoken to you to apologise and take you back to the party. I am appalled by her behaviour actually. I don't think much of the other guests either that nobody came to check on you.

You didn't cause the argument, and for everyone else it has blown over. Because of your own MH struggles, it's now a bigger deal to you than anyone else, but will be noticed as you've excused yourself for the rest of the night. You need to try and practise some of the calming techniques I assume you've gone through with your therapist, as your catastrophising a small issue is going to develop into a bigger one if you let it. Hope you manage to feel better.

You didn't cause the argument. It's not your fault.
Your mate sounds like a cow.

Also, ignore the smart ass comments. It's like it's hard for people to imagine that someone with PTSD might get triggered by someone screaming in their face and react a little more strongly than someone without it.

You're not sulking or being dramatic.

Just leave in the morning and wait for your friend to apologise to you/ask you if you're okay. I'd leave it if she doesn't. Don't grovel to her!

Totally agree with the messages above. You aren’t to blame for anything.
Let the alcohol drain out of the party and see what response you get in the morning. I hope you get a bloody good apology. You deserve it. Take care of yourself and remember this is not any indicator about you, just them. You sound like an amazing friend to have.x

This is NOT your fault. It sounds like you went to a lot of effort despite not being the one asked to organise. It was a nice thing to do to help the 17yr old to organise. If she appeared to be enjoying it then no-one would know she seemed vulnerable and removed her from the situation. Arguments happen all the time on hen do’s, it will all be forgotten about tomorrow I’m sure. Your friend shouldn’t have put pressure on you to attend knowing you are suffering with your mental health, it was very selfish of her to just think of the number of guests coming.

Yes. This had nothing to do with you it was a mother daughter row.

Just carry on and let your friend enjoy the weekend. She shouldn't have shouted and may apologise in the morning.

@CPRSavesLives

You absolutely have not messed anything up. You’ve tried your best to help and because you are a decent, kind, sensitive person you are now blaming yourself rather than seeing that other people need to be accountable for their own behaviour, choices and actions.

This is not your fault - but with support, I think you’ll be able to manage your kindness/sensitivity and see it as such a positive quality : the world desperately needs more people like you.
I hope you took some time out for yourself, and got some sleep. Go out smiling tomorrow and hold your head high.

“Why in this world are : the ignorant full of self confidence - and the intelligent full of self doubt” is a famous quote.

Completely agree, it wasn't your fault.

Her DD could have spoken up or not got involved, but didnt. Equally her mum (yes I shes the bride) should have watched out for her DD as she's 17yo.

You caught the cross winds in the argument, @CPRSavesLives stop being hard on yourself.

There was no need for your DF to shout at you, there was no need for the drama your DF should have consoled her DD and sorted out what to do instead of bloody arguing with her, wtf.

Hoping your DF apologies to you because thats what you deserve.

Sending a hug.

Thus. It's not about you.

Morning op, I hope you have had a good sleep.

I can’t imagine sharing a bed with someone I didn’t even know. You have gone over and above for your friend to be there with her, I sincerely hope she apologises to you.

I am questioning this friend and her motives, if you were my friend I would not have insisted you should come to the hen in the first place. Your recovery is far more important than a hen do!

Although I applaud your courage to be there for your friebd, I think you seriously need to start prioritising yourself, or you will continue to struggle.

Perhaps going for an hour or two. Not drinking and ensuring your car is easily accessible would be a good compromise next time? Or not going at all and sending flowers or balloons. Sometimes you have to put yourself first for a period of time if you want to recover fully.

Ne cheerful this morning, thank your friend for the weekend - wish everyone well. If anyone asks just say too much Prosecco bright and breezy and get yourself home, run a bath. Have a quiet day. Your friend has compromised you here, not the other way around. I really hope she apologises!

BTW I have good mental health but I would be very upset if a friend shouted at me directly like that too. She was obviously stressed and drunk but that’s no excuse.

I completely disagree. It’s not okay to get drunk and shout at your friends. Especially not ones that have organised your entire hen do. Have some respect.

Why the fuck was her teenage daughter even invited let alone organising? Creepy dynamic men gyrating over mother and daughter. This is all on your friend she invited her child therefore should have babysat it seems.

Hope you’re ok this morning

Sounds to me like the 17 year old needs to grow up. God when I was 17 ......😊OP you organised a brilliant hen do by the sound of it, well done to you. Hopefully the bride (and the whining daughter) will apologise for such bad, ungrateful and unnecessary behaviour. Give yourself a pat in the back

Interesting that some people are telling OP that having a reaction to her friend screaming in her face in front of everyone is being a drama lama and making it about her.
Would you say / think the same if the friend was her male partner and did this?
'Oh stop spoiling it for him and everyone by crying, put your party face on and laugh it off'

Being drunk is not an excuse for being abusive, not apologising and completely disregarding a friend's serious mental health issues in the first place.

As others have said OP this woman is not your friend and it sounds like the other guests are not nice either.
You don't have to be reactive in the morning or even mention it just get home however you need to but try to take with you what has happened and raise your standards when it comes to friendships.

I know it’s morning now and I hope you have had some sleep.

I just want to say that it’s not your fault. Everyone enjoyed it. It was the daughter who wanted to go with the butler thing. It was her mums job to look out for her. Her mums job to support her difficult feelings and not get into a row with her.

Your friend shouldn’t have shouted at you like that and should have apologised.

You don’t have to hide your emotions and if your roommate found you crying they would hopefully comfort you. We all have emotions and yours was a very understandable response to being shouted at when you’d worked so hard.

Depending on your friends next behaviours you may want to rethink or re-boundary the relationship. She pushed you into doing something you didn’t feel comfortable with (ok for good friends to do this if they are doing it for US but not if it’s for selfish reasons). She the shouted at you. It was in the heat of an argument and in a drunken state, but I would expect a proper apology and a very big thank you for all your work. You sound like a very lovely friend and she is lucky to have you.

Hope you are feeling better. You ruined nothing. You gave her an amazing hen do. The short period of the argument was about their relationship and nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong.

Morning. Not surprised you were upset she yelled at you. I'd just get up and go when you're able to. You didn't deserve to be spoken to like that.

Yes get up around 9 have a bit of food and get out.

You didn't do anything wrong. I'm guessing mum and dd argue easily and the drink probably didn't help.

I assume they don't know how much you are suffering and the impact on you. It was awful of your friend to shout at you when you were trying to defuse the situation. I'd question how good a friend she is normally.

I hope your friend apologises to you this morning.

I’m not sure why you’re hoping it’s faded from her memory this morning.

You organized her hen do. She shouted at you in front of everyone. She owes you an apology.

In the nicest possible way; your friend may have been frustrated with you because you started apologizing and taking blame for something that clearly wasn’t your fault. Is this something you do often? Just reading your post has made me feel a bit exasperated and want you to stop shouldering blame.

You sound like a lovely friend who really helped organise the event . Don’t feel bad about the argument . Sounds like they’ve forgotten all bout it and enjoying themselves . Stay in the room if you are still upset - listen you your favourite music , read a book , watch Netflix . Do something that you enjoy .

This

@orangegato agree… what in the Jeremy Kyle is this nonsense. The “friend” sounds appalling. A lot of people minimising the fact that she shouted at her because oooh she was drunk, it will all be fine in the morning etc. No no no. She is selfish and not a good friend to OP. Feel sorry for her daughter and also feel sorry for the OP. I’d leave asap and do not apologise in any way whatsoever!