Messed up my friends hen do

[CPRSavesLives]

I'm feeling so shit right now, I could really do with some support.

My closest friend is getting married soon. I was invited to the hen do, and I really didnt want to go. I suffer from PTSD and anxiety, and struggle in strange places and with people i don't know. This party is a whole weekend at an air bnb miles away from home and the only people I know are the hen and her 17 year old daughter. I've been really struggling with my mental health recently and have taken a couple of overdoses of my medications recently, but I'm trying to get better. Even though I really didn't want to go, and I told my friend I was worried about it, she was fairly insistent that I came, and that I'd be fine.

She'd asked her daughter to organise the whole thing as a surprise, but unsurprisingly it was a bit of a tall order for a 17 year old to organise everything so I stepped up to help her. The bnb was booked fine, and I helped arrange the budget, book a takeaway for the Friday night, a bottomless brunch for the Saturday afternoon and a grazing platter for the Saturday evening. I wanted the whole thing to be really special for my friend, so I suggested we booked some kind of entertainment for the Saturday night, and found a company that offered drag Queens or Butlers in the buff. My friends daughter loved the idea of the Butlers so we booked 2 guys for 1 hour with the intention that they would serve drinks and pose for pictures.

Anyway all goes well and here we are on the Saturday night. 2 butlers turn up and it all starts fine, they are serving drinks and playing cheeky games, the bride is loving it and although it gets a bit risqué it's nothing too terrible and everyone seems to be having a good time. After they'd finished they get dressed and hang around for a little while sharing some food from the platter- all good. Once they'd gone everyone was chattering away about it all in a positive light. Then suddenly the mood turns. My friends daughter says she felt uncomfortable playing the games, says one of the Butlers made her feel uncomfortable and starts to blame her mum saying she was too busy having a good time to notice her own daughter wasn't enjoying herself. I didn't notice either, she was up joining in the ganes and seemed to be having a great time, but hey she says she was uncomfortable so that's what she was.

So now mum and daughter are having a bit of a row about it, other people are joining in too and its all getting heated. I wait for a quiet moment and say that actually it's my fault because I was the one who'd suggested it, found the company online and helped the daughter to book it. Ive never been on a hen do before so I guess I just thought it would be fun. My friend turns to me and actually yells at me to stay out of it, like really shouts right at me. I was so shocked I just got up and walked out of the room, upstairs to the room I'm sleeping in and thats where I am now. I can't stop crying, I'm so upset and I just want go home, but I can't because I've had a few drinks, and even if I hadn't, my car is blocked in. I'm also sharing a room (and bed) with a lady I've never met before so I can't even just cry and cry, I need to try and hide that I'm upset.

My friends daughter knocked on the door and asked if I wanted to come down for a drink and I said no thanks, maybe i should have but I just can't face it. I feel so awful about causing this row, even though its all over now and I can hear them all giggling downstairs, and I'm so devastated that my friend shouted at me in front of everyone. What can I do to stop feeling so upset? How can I make it up to my friend after ruining her do? And how can I put this out of my mind so I don't do anything silly over the next few days, I live on my own so have no one who can help keep me safe.

Feeling very vulnerable and alone right now.

Having read the update, this is SO not your fault. You need to work on not taking the problems of the world on to your shoulders (so do I, which is why I recognise it in others) 💝

I agree that the 17yr old has almost certainly seen/done much more outrageous things - but do you not think it's a little bit weird to be doing those kinds of things with your mum in the room?

That's the bit that feels a bit icky to me. Naked butlers is just a bit of fun but being expected to grope a butler blindfolded after your mum had hidden a plaster on his naked arse honestly feels deeply wrong!

The fact that the daughter was complaining that her drunk mum was not considering the daughter's comfort levels with a naked butler during the mum's hen night just underlines the fact to me that the daughter shouldn't have been there. On your hen night you should be able to let your hair down, not worry if your daughter is feeling a bit weird about perfectly normal hen activities. If the friend really wanted her daughter there, then no adult-style activities like this should have been booked (appreciate it's the daughter that booked them but this is why the organising shouldn't have been left to a 17 yr old!)

In my opinion, if there's any element of sexy type activities, having your daughter there doesn't feel right. But I might be in the minority with that!

the argument is not your fault that’s on them.

you should feel really proud of yourself for organising the hen when it is massively out of your comfort zone! Very kind of you and well done. You deserve a pat on the back- not to feel bad.

The girl was probably uncomfortable because her mum was there. I really doubt many teens want their mum to watch them grope a stranger, and I doubt many teens want to see their drunk mum sleazing on a younger (I'm assuming) man either.

Just to say that I have a 17 year old daughter and the argument between her and her mum is nothing unusual and they certainly won't be upset by it and will likely not remember it in about a week so please don't take it personally.

It was nothing to do with you, it was a silly argument between them and it probably happens several times a week in their house for a variety of not at all serious reasons. Please don't take any of it to heart and forget about it as Im sure they have.

So the OP has confessed to overdosing on her meds a couple of times, she's really struggling right now, and THAT'S what you have to say?

Are you this nice in real life?

Blimey. I can see why 17yo was upset. Let me guess, her mum is of the "my daughter is my Best Friend" school? Treats her as though they're the same age? Massively inappropriate to involve her in that.

I still don't think you're in the wrong @CPRSavesLives

It was not your responsibility. The friend and daughter presumably agreed to take part, so any fall out or misunderstanding was theirs alone.

I doubt this is correct as there’s an onus on the supplier for age restricted items eg alcohol, cigarettes, entry to nightclubs etc. if the booker was only 17 they have very clearly failed but that is an issue for the Mum and not the OP.
Hope you are ok this morning, it’s totally understandable that you are upset. Try not to take it too personally, sometimes alcohol brings out the worst in people

I've redacted what I posted in response to this as I've just seen floatinginatincan has apologised.

She probably has. But with her mother and her mother´s friends present?

I´m definitely not 17 anymore and I would feel extremely uncomfortable doing this kind of thing in the same room as my parents (it isn´t my personal idea of fun anyway, but I would probably give it a go if a friend wanted me to / had something like that at her own party). And I am fairly certain that my parents would feel incredibly uncomfortable as well.
It´s about boundaries in a parent - child relationship imo. And I do somehow understand how the 17 yo might have felt pressured and or uncomfortable in that situation.

But it definitely wasn´t OP´s fault and inserting herself in this kind of argument - especially when it involves alcohol - was probably doomed from the very beginning. She definitely meant well but staying out of it sometimes really is for the best.

I'm sorry you've had such a stressful, unhappy time. I hate anything like hen-dos, 'girls' weekends, or weddings and avoid them. I find women are not at their nicest to each other and all kind of unpleasant behaviours occur. They are also, in my opinion, an absolute waste of a lot if money.

That aside, what on earth makes women think these 'naked butlers' is ok? If a woman posted on her saying her DH/DP had been on a stag weekend where they had privately hired naked women, who came to a flat, stripped off and wore just a small frilly pinny, served them drinks and the men played games like blindfold the drunk men and they find the plaster on her bum by feeling her body until they found it , I can just imagine the responses .

Am I the only one who thinks it's sordid, inappropriate, pathetic behaviour?The thought of a group of women/men renting an Air bnb for a weekend to behave like this and thinking it's ok sickens me.

I think the mother is defensive because she should have already been alert to the age issue and the fact that the daughter might be uncomfortable but going along with it because she was more embarrassed to say no.

Your friend is narcissistic and self-involved, as evidenced by the pressure she put yo under to go at all. I'm sorry you bore the brunt of her guilt OP - though actually, the fact that she was shrieking at her (still a child) daughter in public when the daughter raised it, rather than taking her outside quietly and sincerely apologising, is a much bigger deal and the kind of thing which will come up in the daugher's therapy in a few years' time.

Just wanted to add, OP, the whole thing sounds massively stressful. The bust-up wasn't your fault and tbh I'm applauding you for having attended at all. Sharing an actual BED with a stranger? Hell no. I have social and generalised anxiety myself, and I think that unless she is unaware of your struggles your friend shouldn't have pressured you to attend this. It was a massive ask and it's really shitty how your friend has thrown your goodwill back in your face.

Time to start putting yourself and your wellbeing first OP! 💐

You sound like one big bundle of empathy. 🙄If you've never suffered from any mental health issues yourself, that's great, but scolding people who are doing their best against the odds is not a good look.

"That aside, what on earth makes women think these 'naked butlers' is ok? If a woman posted on her saying her DH/DP had been on a stag weekend where they had privately hired naked women, who came to a flat, stripped off and wore just a small frilly pinny, served them drinks and the men played games like blindfold the drunk men and they find the plaster on her bum by feeling her body until they found it , I can just imagine the responses ."

It's not at all the same @LuluBlakey1 - if the guests had been male the 'performance' would have taken place in the context of a global sex trade in which women are exploited and abused for men's pleasure. This, male strippers etc are more like a comic act in which the comedy comes from the usual social structures being reversed.

In my opinion, if there's any element of sexy type activities, having your daughter there doesn't feel right. But I might be in the minority with that!

I absolutely agree with you. And you explained what I was getting at in a much more eloquent manner than I did.

I may be an adult but I still wouldn´t feel comfortable if my mother wanted to talk about her sex life or men. Even though I´ve had this kind of talk with female friends (usually with a little alcohol) which felt completely normal and appropriate.

It´s not just about age but about the boundaries between a parent and their adult (or in this case nearly adult) child.

Goodness it sounds like you were guilted into attending something you really weren't well enough to go to. I hope they have been kind to you this morning and that you can go home and be kind to yourself. This wasn't your fault. Your friend doesn't sound much of a friend with her manipulation and shouting at you. Take care.

You did nothing wrong.
Your friend most likely knew she was in the wrong with her daughter and snapped in the heat of the moment.
If she's normally a good friend I'd put it down to drink but see how things go today - she should apologise or at least make it clear she's sorry with how she acts.

Exactly. The things I got up to at 17!

Op hope they're nice to you today? You did well helping to organise it with anxiety. Give yourself a pat on the back 💐

I think the vast majority of 17 year olds would find it incredibly awkward to be around naked butlers in front of their mothers. Hell, I'm 35 and wouldn't do it, lol.

There's a huge difference between doing something with your peers and doing it with your mother.

Hopefully not with your mother present 😉

Totally agree my head is baffled how anyone thinks a hen party like this appropriate for a daughter of 17. far more appropriate to have afternoon tea or a nice dinner.

redacted as quotes a deleted post