Messed up my friends hen do

[CPRSavesLives]

I'm feeling so shit right now, I could really do with some support.

My closest friend is getting married soon. I was invited to the hen do, and I really didnt want to go. I suffer from PTSD and anxiety, and struggle in strange places and with people i don't know. This party is a whole weekend at an air bnb miles away from home and the only people I know are the hen and her 17 year old daughter. I've been really struggling with my mental health recently and have taken a couple of overdoses of my medications recently, but I'm trying to get better. Even though I really didn't want to go, and I told my friend I was worried about it, she was fairly insistent that I came, and that I'd be fine.

She'd asked her daughter to organise the whole thing as a surprise, but unsurprisingly it was a bit of a tall order for a 17 year old to organise everything so I stepped up to help her. The bnb was booked fine, and I helped arrange the budget, book a takeaway for the Friday night, a bottomless brunch for the Saturday afternoon and a grazing platter for the Saturday evening. I wanted the whole thing to be really special for my friend, so I suggested we booked some kind of entertainment for the Saturday night, and found a company that offered drag Queens or Butlers in the buff. My friends daughter loved the idea of the Butlers so we booked 2 guys for 1 hour with the intention that they would serve drinks and pose for pictures.

Anyway all goes well and here we are on the Saturday night. 2 butlers turn up and it all starts fine, they are serving drinks and playing cheeky games, the bride is loving it and although it gets a bit risqué it's nothing too terrible and everyone seems to be having a good time. After they'd finished they get dressed and hang around for a little while sharing some food from the platter- all good. Once they'd gone everyone was chattering away about it all in a positive light. Then suddenly the mood turns. My friends daughter says she felt uncomfortable playing the games, says one of the Butlers made her feel uncomfortable and starts to blame her mum saying she was too busy having a good time to notice her own daughter wasn't enjoying herself. I didn't notice either, she was up joining in the ganes and seemed to be having a great time, but hey she says she was uncomfortable so that's what she was.

So now mum and daughter are having a bit of a row about it, other people are joining in too and its all getting heated. I wait for a quiet moment and say that actually it's my fault because I was the one who'd suggested it, found the company online and helped the daughter to book it. Ive never been on a hen do before so I guess I just thought it would be fun. My friend turns to me and actually yells at me to stay out of it, like really shouts right at me. I was so shocked I just got up and walked out of the room, upstairs to the room I'm sleeping in and thats where I am now. I can't stop crying, I'm so upset and I just want go home, but I can't because I've had a few drinks, and even if I hadn't, my car is blocked in. I'm also sharing a room (and bed) with a lady I've never met before so I can't even just cry and cry, I need to try and hide that I'm upset.

My friends daughter knocked on the door and asked if I wanted to come down for a drink and I said no thanks, maybe i should have but I just can't face it. I feel so awful about causing this row, even though its all over now and I can hear them all giggling downstairs, and I'm so devastated that my friend shouted at me in front of everyone. What can I do to stop feeling so upset? How can I make it up to my friend after ruining her do? And how can I put this out of my mind so I don't do anything silly over the next few days, I live on my own so have no one who can help keep me safe.

Feeling very vulnerable and alone right now.

You sound like a really good friend and you have done nothing wrong honey. Your friend just had a bit too much to drink and they got a bit silly, don't take it to heart. Get some sleep and just be your usual self tomorrow, don't bring it all up again. Well done for getting through a tough weekend! 💐

You have done absolutely NOTHING wrong. Nothing.
It went the way it did because the hen was drunk. That's all. She may not even remember what she did tomorrow. You've been a good friend getting this sorted and going along despite your worries, so it's unsurprising that you're upset after bring shouted at.
Hopefully you'll all feel better tomorrow.

Another vote here for 'you haven't done anything wrong'. But one note of caution. If you are like me you might feel worse about this at about 3am. I mean, hopefully you will be asleep but just in case you aren't, remember that what you feel at 3am is a really dramatised and OTT version of life, and it will feel better than that in the morning!!! (Plus actually it wasn;t your fault anyway. MN has spoken!!!)

I'm sorry I wasn't trying to make you feel worse. It was a clumsy attempt to say it's not that big a deal. You didn't ruin anything.

I hope you can get some sleep and you feel better in the morning.
I think you’ve been a really good friend to her but to be honest I’d be a bit wary of her going forward. Good friends understand when somebody they love is struggling and don’t badger them to do something potentially triggering. They also don’t make passive aggressive comments like ‘only those who are true friends will come along’. She sounds like a teenager maturity-wise! So if I were you I’d have a think about this friendship with your own wellbeing in mind.
I also hope you keep getting support with your ongoing mental health. You’re absolutely a valuable, worthy person who deserves happiness and joy.

💐💐💐for you op.

You have done brilliantly organising the hen do, particularly with your mental health issues. Your friend was a bit of a knob insisting that her 17 yr old organised it all "as a surprise" and then drinking so much. Really don't take her outburst to heart. Nothing is ruined. I hope she will apologise when she is sober and remember what a good friend you have been to her. Maybe she's a bit stressed with pre-wedding nerves.

Be kind to yourself.

Great plan OP.

Im sure it will be ok in the morning. Too much drink is the cause of many a cross word We are here supporting you to get through the day

You haven't ruined it at all. Without your help it sounds like there wouldn't have been a lovely spread, or entertainment, because a child had been left in charge of organising it all!
As an outsider your mate doesn't sound like a very nice person. She pressured you to attend with some emotional blackmail and then when you did she shouted at you. It might be her hen do but that's no excuse for treating the people who turned up to celebrate you badly.
For now try to switch off and get some sleep. Counting backwards from 10,000 is a good way to distract your brain from overthinking and switch off. When tonight is over and you're back home, focus on looking after yourself and your mental health please. You sound like a lovely, kind, supportive person and the world needs as many of those as it can get.

I think the naked butlers should really have refused your booking with an under 18 present, I’d perhaps think about complaining if they were doing ‘games’ with her. Bride really should have arranged things herself and not let her daughter do it. I think the best thing you could do is just sleep it off if you can, bride probably won’t remember in the morning.

Good luck tomorrow OP, you've done absolutely nothing wrong...please remember that xx

I think you just need to go down now. Say you had a moment but all ok and things will be 100% better in the morning. If you don't go down and wait until morning, you disappearing off will be what's remembered

This woman is not a good friend for making you feel like that. Did she know you organised the whole thing? She should be more grateful.
She's also a bit of a shit mum expecting a 17 year old to arrange adult entertainment. Was it not in the T&Cs that attendees had to be 18+? Sadly the daughter has learnt the difficult lesson most women learn - speak up sooner rather than later.

The booking site probably asked at the point of booking for confirmation that all guests are over 18.

@CPRSavesLives

It's not your fault at all,

How can it be ?

When all you did was to suggest the idea of Queens or Butler's night entertainment options,

Hen and her daughter were ecstatic and loved the idea of this and went along to this event

Another words they had an agency a choice to either accept the idea or turn it down and look for alternative other options too,

Obviously it's a shame that it's gone tits up in as much as that one of the adult entertainers made the Hens daughter feel uncomfortable,

but what did they expect? 🤔

If it was that kind of entertainment...

It's obviously not the kind of entertainment for prudes or self conscious or Conservative folks,

the have only got themselves to blame really in that regards respect
If it's the kind of entertainment i am thinking of ect..

Good point @IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle I didnt think about that very valid point 🤔 too..

I'll also add tonight on my list of reasons why I dont go to hen dos!

Please don’t take that lesson from this. You are vulnerable right now. You blamed yourself for something that wasn’t your fault, in part because you’re ill. This could have happened in all sorts of situations. But before someone else spoiled the night and you started to blame yourself, you were enjoying yourself. Having fun, along with virtually everyone else. And now they’re all enjoying themselves again.

You have a plan for the rest of the trip, and it sounds like a good one. Follow it. Concentrate on getting well with your MH team. Don’t let this incident - that wasn’t of your making - push you away from your friends or having fun in the long term.

I presume it us up to the person booking to ensure all guests are over 18 also for adult entertainment

@CPRSavesLives sweetheart, if there hadn't have been at least 2 rows, then it wouldn't have been a hen do!

You've been brave, done something exceptionally kind and out of your comfort zone and it sounds like everyone was having fun, just a bit too much drink.

You've been an amazing friend and despite the wee hiccup here, it's been a success.

Hope you're having a decent sleep and let us know tomorrow how it all went.

Treat yourself with the kindness and love, you're worthy of both and haven't fucked anything up here. You did good. 💐

Er , yes of course it is. OP shouldn't have booked this if she a 17 year old would be there.

As an outsider your mate doesn't sound like a very nice person. She pressured you to attend with some emotional blackmail and then when you did she shouted at you. It might be her hen do but that's no excuse for treating the people who turned up to celebrate you badly.

If you're struggling and you try and tell your friend and all she does is gloss it over with you'll be fine, and starts dropping in emotional blackmail all "I know who's there for me" etc that's not a friend.

She shouldn't have got her teenager to organise her hen do, she's her daughter not her bezzie mate fgs. If you hadn't helped there likely wouldn't have been a hen in the first place. She should have got another friend to do it or shoved the surprise and sorted it herself.

Yes it may have been the drink that caused the shouting but the emotional blackmail and general irresponsible ness in the run up?

She's owes you a bloody great apology in the morning and if she doesn't provide one maybe she's not so lovely after all. Everyone's back all giggling away and it's her daughter who's come to check on you, not her?

I think you've done the right thing in getting some sleep, have an unmumsnetty hug from me

I think the naked butlers should really have refused your booking with an under 18 present

I really don’t think it’s up to the butlers to police the guests like that!

Just wanted to say well done OP. I think you’re doing amazingly and you’ve handled a difficult situation really well. Hope you sleep well and things are straightforward in the morning and it feels good to get home. 💐

You booked it, but not alone. You consulted with the daughter and SHE chose the butlers. You tried to take the heat off and the drunken women behaved as they often do, getting aggressive. I would also stay away from them. I hate the herd mentality that alcohol seems to bring out in groups of men or women. Do your thing, clear your spaces in the morning and go. Don’t apologize to anyone. If confronted in the morning, just say that you booked after consulting with daughter.

OP. You honestly sound like a lovely friend for everything you did for her considering what you've been going through. The row was in no way your fault so please stop thinking that. (I'm also an overthinker so I know that's easier said than done).

I know we don't know the full extent of your friendship with the hen but do please consider whether she's being as good a friend to you as you are to her. You've been through a lot recently and tbh it's those moments when you find out who really has your back. Has she supported you? Or has she always tried to push you out of your comfort zone, especially when it's something she wants from you.

It's a subtle difference that took me quite a few years to notice myself with "friends". The ones that were more vocal about "helping" me turned out to not be the ones there for me when I needed someone.