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Original poster

AIBU to think Christmas is ruined now?

140 replies

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:00

Soon to be ex husband has just asked if it's ok to invite his parents for Christmas. It wasn't really a question though, just pretending I have a choice.

His parents and I have a history, they've never thought that I was good enough. When they come they will have a go at me for choosing to work. In their eyes this is the route of all my problems. Of course it can't be because I'm married to their son.

Next they will start on my weight. I know I'm overweight it's from eating chocolate to survive lockdown. Life is too miserable right now to lose much. Though I have started cycling as I had to surrender my drivers license so that is helping. They will scrutinise what I eat. Tell me I should work out what a weeks worth of treats is and put it in a tin and once they are gone nothing until next week.

Then they will start on how I'm raising the children, looking after the house taking care of 'D'H. On and on it will go. Last year was bearable as I had to be flat on my back for two weeks so didn't interact much.

They need constant entertainment and hot drinks. MIL has dementia so can't be left on her own. I had to babysit her for 5 hours last time they were here. She'll put things down and get into a flap she can't find them.

It was going to be bad enough just the 4 of us (DS13 and DD10). Now it will be horrific. My mental health is pretty bad already as I have a lot going on. I'm not sure what to do. I have no friends or family I can stay with. I need a peaceful Christmas.

YABU Inlaws need someone to go it will be fine.

YANBU it will be the week from hell to top off one of the worst years of your life.

Ending it all comes to mind. Anyone got any better suggestions?

OP posts:
UnfortunateTypo · 03/12/2023 19:46

It would be better that your husband and kids went to them. My MIL had dementia and she really, really struggled with anywhere that wasn’t her home after a while. I very much doubt your MIL would be able to cope with a week at yours. Could they not do that? If not I’d take myself off to a Premier Inn rather than deal with them for the week.

Birdcar · 03/12/2023 19:48

This has disaster written all over it.

Your soon to be ex is just taking the piss.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:48

Neriah · 03/12/2023 19:14

I seriously hope that the "ending it all" comment wasn't serious, but if so it isn't in the best of tastes. If it was serious, please get help. And start by telling the ex that no it isn't OK and it also isn't happening. Stand up for yourself and make it clear they aren't coming, and that if they do you will be having nothing whatsoever to do with them. Find some books to read, binge watch the series you never got a chance to watch, or whatever YOU want to do.

It was serious, 2019 was the worst year of my life, then of course the pandemic happened. Life has just been crap since. I'm currently being bullied at work I reported it over two months ago and I can't get anyone to do anything about it. Obvs situation is difficult with STBXH. The children aren't coping and so are both really difficult. My friends have pretty much drifted away and I have a sister who likes to make my life harder as she thinks I had an easy childhood when she didn't. I don't enjoy doing anything anymore. Though I do a lot of volunteer work and helping others. There doesn't really seem a point to life.

OP posts:
betterangels · 03/12/2023 19:50

Gymmum82 · 03/12/2023 19:42

Fuck that. Book yourself a hotel or air b&b and leave him and the kids to it. This has been going on over a year? Absolute balls do you have to cater for his parents. Leave them all and have a peaceful xmas by yourself. I’d rather spend it alone than with people I can’t stand

Show quote history

It's probably impossible in practice because you want to be with your children. But I'd be tempted to do this. Regardless, STBX can do the hosting. That would be a hard line.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:50

WallaceinAnderland · 03/12/2023 19:18

You don't have to do any of this.

What would happen if you simply say no?

He'd ignore me and invite them anyway. This has been the story of our marriage whatever he wants he gets. He always comes first.

OP posts:
UniDaysAcoming · 03/12/2023 19:52

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:38

FIL needs a break from caring for MIL apparently.

Show quote history

Who is going to be giving FIL a break form caring from MIL?
Is it you? As well as all the usual Christmas hosting work?

I would book a restaurant and go out for lunch if the situation realistically cannot be avoided.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:53

1983Louise · 03/12/2023 19:20

Just say no, let your ex go to his parents for Christmas dinner and you enjoy yours with your children, problem solved..............

The problem is the kids want Christmas with their grandparents whilst they are still alive. My parents are dead and they didn't see much of them before they died. The kids would be devastated if I wasn't there with them. DD has insisted on family matching Xmas jumpers this year, well for the 4 of us not the in-laws.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 03/12/2023 19:55

This sounds horrific. Say they can come on Boxing Day and you make plans to see a friend that day. Let him host them, and gives your kids a chance to see them over Christmas.

Keepinmovin · 03/12/2023 19:56

Move out for the week to an Airbnb or house sit for a friend with a cat or dog who is going home for Xmas. Then tell the kids you'll visit daily or whatever it takes but get out and get yourself a safe space

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:56

PonyPatter44 · 03/12/2023 19:20

Ending it all is NOT the answer. Apart from anything else, you have children who need you and to whom you are the whole world.

If you and DH are splitting up, these people won't be your ILs anymore. The greatest extra bonus that came from splitting with my exH was that I never had to have anything to do with his bloody horrific mother any more. I haven't spoken to the woman since 2015, it's great! Do as you please this year - if you want to go and sit in your room and read, do it. Their opinions of you no longer matter!

I realised that I wasn't just divorcing him I'm divorcing his family too and that is such a happy thought.

I'm so desperate to tell them that if MIL had worked like I do perhaps she wouldn't have dementia now as it's a protective factor and that I will carry on working to protect myself. Perhaps they might realise that just because they've done something one way doesn't mean it's the 'right' way.

OP posts:
TeaMistress · 03/12/2023 19:57

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:50

He'd ignore me and invite them anyway. This has been the story of our marriage whatever he wants he gets. He always comes first.

Show quote history

If they rock up anyway you can be as blunt with him and them as possible. Tell them they aren't welcome. You don't have to sit in your own home and be forced into going along with it. You can say and do what you like. You don't have to pretend or grit your teeth anymore and if they start making nasty remarks tell them they can get the fuck out of your house and sling him out while you're at it. You don't have to cook for them or entertain them.

dcadmamagain · 03/12/2023 19:57

My heart goes out to you. I think maybe look at this as the last year this will happen.. make sure you take time out every day for you - your kids are old enough to entertain their grandparents. Go food shopping, go for a walk a swim cycle etc.

don’t wait in them - let your husband do it.

easy good for meals etc

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:58

Autumn1990 · 03/12/2023 19:21

There are a number of options
book somewhere else and go away for Christmas. Cheap b&b by the sea or centre parcs type place
Say no
Have an activity planned for everyday for you and the kids and leave them to it. Can be paid for activities or can be free ones. Possible free ones include visit your local forest either take hot food in a flask or take a bbq, go to seaside for fish and chips or picnic, walk on the beach etc, walk round the sales etc until you’ve filled everyday except Xmas day

All great ideas but difficult when you can't drive. They aren't so easy on public transport especially from where we live.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 03/12/2023 19:58

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:50

He'd ignore me and invite them anyway. This has been the story of our marriage whatever he wants he gets. He always comes first.

Show quote history

So h can invite them. But you don’t have to be involved. Give yourself a challenge- walk out of the room every time they start criticising. Don’t go out of your way for any of them. Definitely no babysitting MIL. Make your room a haven. Have a tv there. Go and sit there in the evening if you want. Go for a walk every day. Get yourself away from them. And tell him you’re not cooking a big dinner. He can if he wants everyone invited. Or he can book a restaurant. Be strong. There’s no need for you to do everything his way anymore.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:01

isthismylifenow · 03/12/2023 19:21

He 'asked' you. You don't have to agree to it.

Surely things are tense enough in the house if you are soon divorcing (how long until this happens?).

And for a whole week!

You don't have to be the gracious host to his family anymore OP.

No idea how long the divorce will take. We've just got through the cooling off period and have just applied for what used to be the decree nisi. The sooner I get 'D'H out the house and can stop living in limbo the better. Then I hope to get my life and some friends back.

OP posts:
Littlelucas · 03/12/2023 20:01

As it’s his house too and things aren’t good between the two of you he probably isn’t going to go along with what you want and also your dcs want them to come - so I would say there’s not much you can do about them actually coming. What I would do though is make it absolute clear to your dh that HE is the one who has to do all the extra work having HIS parents will involve. Don’t cook for them, clean up after them or go out of your way for them if you dont want to. If they complain tell them clearly you are no longer in a relationship with their ds but are stuck under the same roof as him for now and that you asked him not to invite them in view of the difficult circumstances but he insisted - therefore catering to their whims is on their son. And stick to it.

I hope you are able to feel better soon for your dcs sake.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 03/12/2023 20:01

Well if he has invited them, he gets to cook and do all the running around for them.

You can stay out the way and pop down for present opening and dinner.

Safe in the knowledge you never have to see them ever again.

ChaniceKobolowski · 03/12/2023 20:02

They need constant entertainment and hot drinks. MIL has dementia so can't be left on her own.

Tell your DH he will be busy then.

WillowTit · 03/12/2023 20:03

just think you wont have to see them for much longer, put earplugs in if necessary.
count to ten.
thank your lucky stars

Gillypie23 · 03/12/2023 20:03

Say no let him go to theirs.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:04

isthismylifenow · 03/12/2023 19:21

He 'asked' you. You don't have to agree to it.

Surely things are tense enough in the house if you are soon divorcing (how long until this happens?).

And for a whole week!

You don't have to be the gracious host to his family anymore OP.

I wouldn't be gracious host. I'd do nothing for them. STBXH will have to deal with them. Entertain, cook etc.

I've just had a brilliant idea. I could go and house sit for them so they don't get burgled!!

OP posts:
parietal · 03/12/2023 20:04

Can you plan day trips out with DC on the days before & after Christmas Day, leaving exH to care for his parents.

Then on Christmas Day, get flu and spend the day in bed with your kids bringing you hot chocolate and a movie. And leave the in-laws downstairs.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:04

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 19:22

Can you not go somewhere else for Christmas?

If you really have to stay in the house and he insists on his parents being there, you just don't take any shit from them.

At the first comment about your weight you just say, "Look, MIL, your son and I are divorcing which means I no longer need to be polite to you. So you can just fuck the fuck off with your comments about my weight, you vile old bat."

I love this. I'll try it.

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 03/12/2023 20:06

I think you have been beaten down so much that you have forgotten that you have free will. Yes, your STBXH can invite his parents for Christmas but that doesn’t mean you have to do the wife work. Sure, you’ll have to cook for more people on Christmas Day, but that’s about it really. You don’t have to entertain them, you don’t have to babysit and you certainly don’t have to listen to them!

And you say your kids want your in laws to come over and for you all to wear matching PJs but, to be brutally honest, if asked I am sure your kids would prefer a mother who is alive. If you are seriously suicidal over this, I suggest you book yourself into a hotel somewhere nice and refuse to subject yourself to this.

AfraidToRun · 03/12/2023 20:06

For the moat part, I don't think you are unreasonable however I feel some of the comments about your MIL in respect of her dementia, a little harsh. I do appreciate she is not your family and there is a much bigger back story.