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Original poster

AIBU to think Christmas is ruined now?

140 replies

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:00

Soon to be ex husband has just asked if it's ok to invite his parents for Christmas. It wasn't really a question though, just pretending I have a choice.

His parents and I have a history, they've never thought that I was good enough. When they come they will have a go at me for choosing to work. In their eyes this is the route of all my problems. Of course it can't be because I'm married to their son.

Next they will start on my weight. I know I'm overweight it's from eating chocolate to survive lockdown. Life is too miserable right now to lose much. Though I have started cycling as I had to surrender my drivers license so that is helping. They will scrutinise what I eat. Tell me I should work out what a weeks worth of treats is and put it in a tin and once they are gone nothing until next week.

Then they will start on how I'm raising the children, looking after the house taking care of 'D'H. On and on it will go. Last year was bearable as I had to be flat on my back for two weeks so didn't interact much.

They need constant entertainment and hot drinks. MIL has dementia so can't be left on her own. I had to babysit her for 5 hours last time they were here. She'll put things down and get into a flap she can't find them.

It was going to be bad enough just the 4 of us (DS13 and DD10). Now it will be horrific. My mental health is pretty bad already as I have a lot going on. I'm not sure what to do. I have no friends or family I can stay with. I need a peaceful Christmas.

YABU Inlaws need someone to go it will be fine.

YANBU it will be the week from hell to top off one of the worst years of your life.

Ending it all comes to mind. Anyone got any better suggestions?

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 03/12/2023 20:07

If he is soon to be ex tell him no. He can go there

Teenangels · 03/12/2023 20:08

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:56

I realised that I wasn't just divorcing him I'm divorcing his family too and that is such a happy thought.

I'm so desperate to tell them that if MIL had worked like I do perhaps she wouldn't have dementia now as it's a protective factor and that I will carry on working to protect myself. Perhaps they might realise that just because they've done something one way doesn't mean it's the 'right' way.

Show quote history

Wow OP, thinking a women has dementia because she didn't work, my Mum worked all her life, and died from Dementia this year. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Please don't stoop to a level where you are using someone's diagnosis to get one up.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:08

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 03/12/2023 19:30

There'll be an empty space here where a teenager is no longer with us.

Christmas in indefinitely ruined.

Maybe you could use your words and think is this really the worst thing that we could be facing this Christmas.

I'm sorry for your loss and if I offended you.

No it's not the worst thing I could be facing, you are right about that. It's a bad thing on top of many many bad things over an extended period of time that is the problem. I have no reserves left to deal with the crap anymore. I don't really have any support. I'm done with it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:10

TeaMistress · 03/12/2023 19:32

Sorry you're feeling so upset OP. Handhold here if you need it. I would be telling your soon to be ex husband that no you're not having his parents over for Christmas, for a week. He can pop off to them himself and you and the children can have a peaceful Christmas at home. You don't have to participate in happy families and you don't have to put up with appalling in laws anymore . Have you got your ducks in a row and ready to file for divorce ?

Divorce is filed for. I have some paperwork to sort out as my benefits at work are very complicated and I can't find all the info needed. Hopefully it shouldn't take too much longer. Though we're still to sort finances and childcare arrangements.

OP posts:
GettingColdFeet · 03/12/2023 20:12

Bless you, it sounds like you've really gone through the mill.

I wonder if you might consider leaving him, his parents and the children, and heading off out for the afternoon. Meet a friend (or say you are) and head off to a coffee shop/cinema/anywhere. Wrap up warm and go for a walk, take a flask.

Honestly I'd do whatever necessary to get yourself through it. Encourage the kids to do an activity with the grandparents and disappear off. Download some TV shows onto a device and enjoy a warm bath.

tortoiseshellcats · 03/12/2023 20:12

Is it possible for you to leave for a few hours at a time, even just to go for a walk and take a hot drink with you or something? Appreciate that you might not be able to but nobody can force to stay in the house all day

Babyroobs · 03/12/2023 20:12

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:37

Yes, last Christmas I got a lecture about sleeping in separate rooms and not doing things together. FIL said it's almost like you are separated. I said we are. Apparently he'd not been told.

Show quote history

How come you are still living together a year later ?

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:13

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/12/2023 19:36

If he's soon to be an ex how is there no choice for you?

He'll invite his parents whatever I say. His family comes first. Plus the kids want to see them but they want me here too so I don't really have a choice.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/12/2023 20:13

It sounds like your DC are desperately in denial over the divorce etc and perhaps ripping the plaster off and suggesting that DH takes them to visit the PIL instead is what needs to happen.

Playing at happy families is excruciating. I assume the DC do know?

doitwithlove · 03/12/2023 20:13

If MIL has dementia, it may not be a good idea for her to be taken out of her familiar surroundings.

claretblue79 · 03/12/2023 20:14

Don't apologise for how you feel, OP and don't allow posters to minimise what you are going through. I hope things start to get better for you soon. If you are feeling suicidal please reach out for someone to talk to. Call or email Samaritans anytime of the day or night if you need to talk/write. Best wishes to you.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:14

Jimmyspiano · 03/12/2023 19:39

Is the problem that if you say no to STXH parents coming he might insist on taking your children to see them on Christmas day? Are you worried about being on your own and without the two people you actually want to be with? If so, you are definitely not being unreasonable, DC are awesome.

Yes, the kids want to see Grandparents plus they also want to spend Christmas with me. Pretty much means we're all spending Xmas together.

OP posts:
Howdoesitworkagain · 03/12/2023 20:17

“I'm so desperate to tell them that if MIL had worked like I do perhaps she wouldn't have dementia now”

What a shitty thing to say. I had a lot of sympathy for you up until this. I still feel sorry for your situation, but I’d keep this sort of nasty comment to yourself.

Beckafett · 03/12/2023 20:17

This sounds horrible I'm sorry. I've seen a comment from a previous poster that basically said stand your ground and I would do.
I'd be polite in front of the kids but assertive. Hope it's not as bad as you think.

Pelham678 · 03/12/2023 20:20

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:14

Yes, the kids want to see Grandparents plus they also want to spend Christmas with me. Pretty much means we're all spending Xmas together.

Show quote history

Are you the person who had to look after MiL on holiday while DH and FiL went off together? It just sounds a bit familiar.

Anyway, it does sound like youve been dealing with an awful lot and you will feel a lot less strained when you don't have to put up with STBXH any longer. Try and keep out of their way as much as possible and push back if she is actively rude to you. It will be like a weight off your shoulders once he's gone.

Mrsgreen100 · 03/12/2023 20:22

Find your power , and say no way …

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 03/12/2023 20:23

Sounds like it’s pretty much set that the in-laws are coming to you. I suppose you need to focus on the fact that this will be the last year you have to deal with it. Presumably by next year you’ll be separated and having Xmas apart. I would just try getting through this year the best you can- take time out when needed eg go off and read in your room for an hour, don’t do anything for in-laws they aren’t your problem and focus on the kids and doing what they enjoy.

One query though. Why do you need to see them just because the kids want everyone together? I get it Is what the kids want….but they don’t NEED it to happen. Certainly you shouldn’t have to put your own well-being so far down the property and spend time with abusive people just to provide a want for your kids. Do they know you are separating? If not seems like they need a talk so they realise what is reasonable to expect going forward - eg they need to realise whole family activities will be ending because you are separating.

Cumberbiatch · 03/12/2023 20:23

I'm sorry you're feeling crappy OP. I think we all would, in your situation.
The only thing I would say that very soon, one Christmas day, you'll be in your own home doing exactly what you want, when you want, with whoever you want. And you can sit by the tv and watch a Christmas film with a box of chocolates by your side and you'll appreciate your freedom and your life so, so much. I know you can't see it now, but honestly, the relief of solitude after being in a shit marriage is fucking wonderful.

Sidebeforeself · 03/12/2023 20:23

First of all, that was a shitty comment abou your MIL not working. Secondly, you seem to be listing all the things that are against you but don’t talk about your own agency in this. You are an adult, you have a voice and you don’t have to lie down and take it. But I see you are talking about suicide and that is very worrying. You must take whatever action you can to get yourself into a better place OP for the sake of your kids

Whataretheodds · 03/12/2023 20:23

If he's going to do all the prep - shopping, cooking, cleaning, spare beds etc, then I might consider sticking around (you'd have to be able to tolerate/walk away from any snide comments).

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:25

We're still living together as he refuses to move out until all the legalities have been sorted out.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:26

RandomMess · 03/12/2023 20:13

It sounds like your DC are desperately in denial over the divorce etc and perhaps ripping the plaster off and suggesting that DH takes them to visit the PIL instead is what needs to happen.

Playing at happy families is excruciating. I assume the DC do know?

DC know but are in denial.

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 03/12/2023 20:26

“I'm so desperate to tell them that if MIL had worked like I do perhaps she wouldn't have dementia now”

^ this is vile. If she has dementia then the only person you should be aiming your vitriolic come backs to is your FIL/husband and certainly shouldn't be about dementia!

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 20:28

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 03/12/2023 20:23

Sounds like it’s pretty much set that the in-laws are coming to you. I suppose you need to focus on the fact that this will be the last year you have to deal with it. Presumably by next year you’ll be separated and having Xmas apart. I would just try getting through this year the best you can- take time out when needed eg go off and read in your room for an hour, don’t do anything for in-laws they aren’t your problem and focus on the kids and doing what they enjoy.

One query though. Why do you need to see them just because the kids want everyone together? I get it Is what the kids want….but they don’t NEED it to happen. Certainly you shouldn’t have to put your own well-being so far down the property and spend time with abusive people just to provide a want for your kids. Do they know you are separating? If not seems like they need a talk so they realise what is reasonable to expect going forward - eg they need to realise whole family activities will be ending because you are separating.

This.

If it has to happen this year because you are all still living under the same roof and you can't stop your STBXH from inviting his parents, there's not much you can do about it.

But as soon as you are no longer living together you will be spending Christmas separately and your kids are going to have to come to terms with that.

Them wanting you all still wearing matching Christmas jumpers suggests that they are not yet ready to face that reality. So maybe you just need to get through Christmas and then gently explain to them that that was the last time, and that although they might want to still spend Christmas with both their parents and their grandparents, they need to get used to their new normal, which is that you and their dad are going your own separate ways and that this needs to happen for your own mental wellbeing.

Sidebeforeself · 03/12/2023 20:29

Actually the more you post, the more it sounds like you think its everybody else fault.