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Original poster

AIBU to think Christmas is ruined now?

140 replies

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:00

Soon to be ex husband has just asked if it's ok to invite his parents for Christmas. It wasn't really a question though, just pretending I have a choice.

His parents and I have a history, they've never thought that I was good enough. When they come they will have a go at me for choosing to work. In their eyes this is the route of all my problems. Of course it can't be because I'm married to their son.

Next they will start on my weight. I know I'm overweight it's from eating chocolate to survive lockdown. Life is too miserable right now to lose much. Though I have started cycling as I had to surrender my drivers license so that is helping. They will scrutinise what I eat. Tell me I should work out what a weeks worth of treats is and put it in a tin and once they are gone nothing until next week.

Then they will start on how I'm raising the children, looking after the house taking care of 'D'H. On and on it will go. Last year was bearable as I had to be flat on my back for two weeks so didn't interact much.

They need constant entertainment and hot drinks. MIL has dementia so can't be left on her own. I had to babysit her for 5 hours last time they were here. She'll put things down and get into a flap she can't find them.

It was going to be bad enough just the 4 of us (DS13 and DD10). Now it will be horrific. My mental health is pretty bad already as I have a lot going on. I'm not sure what to do. I have no friends or family I can stay with. I need a peaceful Christmas.

YABU Inlaws need someone to go it will be fine.

YANBU it will be the week from hell to top off one of the worst years of your life.

Ending it all comes to mind. Anyone got any better suggestions?

OP posts:
Kitkat1523 · 03/12/2023 19:21

such Martyrdom……just do your own thing with your kids …no need for big dramas

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 19:22

Can you not go somewhere else for Christmas?

If you really have to stay in the house and he insists on his parents being there, you just don't take any shit from them.

At the first comment about your weight you just say, "Look, MIL, your son and I are divorcing which means I no longer need to be polite to you. So you can just fuck the fuck off with your comments about my weight, you vile old bat."

Shinyandnew1 · 03/12/2023 19:25

is he expecting you to shop, cook and clean up Christmas for him and his parents as well?!

I’d tell him you are splitting up (I presume he knows this?!) so he can cook for his parents if he wants but you won’t be there. Why on earth would you put yourself in that situation?!

2023willbemyyear · 03/12/2023 19:28

boundaries OP, boundaries....

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 03/12/2023 19:30

There'll be an empty space here where a teenager is no longer with us.

Christmas in indefinitely ruined.

Maybe you could use your words and think is this really the worst thing that we could be facing this Christmas.

TeaMistress · 03/12/2023 19:32

Sorry you're feeling so upset OP. Handhold here if you need it. I would be telling your soon to be ex husband that no you're not having his parents over for Christmas, for a week. He can pop off to them himself and you and the children can have a peaceful Christmas at home. You don't have to participate in happy families and you don't have to put up with appalling in laws anymore . Have you got your ducks in a row and ready to file for divorce ?

Bluetrews25 · 03/12/2023 19:34

If she's got dementia and was that forgetful last year, she will very likely be even worse this year. She might become VERY disorientated and distressed. Taking people with dementia away from their usual surroundings can be extremely upsetting for them. Is that what your STBXH wants??

But you have my sympathy, you absolutely do.
Focus on this being the very last time you will have to do this (I hope) and next year will be better.
Grey rock is good.
The only thing you should be ending is your marriage.

jhy · 03/12/2023 19:36

It will already be a bit awkward given the situation of 'soon to be ex husband' IMO. You don't owe them any favours, save yourself the stress and say no. Once you are officially divorced there won't be anymore family christmass'. Also a week?! No one wants their in laws for that long even when they are pleasant!

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/12/2023 19:36

If he's soon to be an ex how is there no choice for you?

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:37

maslinpan · 03/12/2023 19:03

That all sounds horrific. But do they know you are on the verge of splitting up?

Yes, last Christmas I got a lecture about sleeping in separate rooms and not doing things together. FIL said it's almost like you are separated. I said we are. Apparently he'd not been told.

OP posts:
TeaMistress · 03/12/2023 19:37

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 03/12/2023 19:30

There'll be an empty space here where a teenager is no longer with us.

Christmas in indefinitely ruined.

Maybe you could use your words and think is this really the worst thing that we could be facing this Christmas.

I'm so so sorry @Iguessyourestuckwithme . Thoughts with you and your family. No words can take away your pain and sorrow but I am here and thinking about you and other families who have lost someone.

2weeks · 03/12/2023 19:38

Book an Airbnb and leave have the kids for a time on the day and let him entertain his parents.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:38

2dogsandabudgie · 03/12/2023 19:04

Why do they need to stay for a week, can they not just come for Christmas dinner?

FIL needs a break from caring for MIL apparently.

OP posts:
Jimmyspiano · 03/12/2023 19:39

Is the problem that if you say no to STXH parents coming he might insist on taking your children to see them on Christmas day? Are you worried about being on your own and without the two people you actually want to be with? If so, you are definitely not being unreasonable, DC are awesome.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:39

Hellocatshome · 03/12/2023 19:05

Does soon to be ex husband know he is soon to be ex? If so I would tell him he is more than welcome to host his DPs for Christmas while you and the kids will be spending it elsewhere. Then book an Air BnB and have a lovely chilled Christmas somewhere else.

Yes, we are going through divorce proceedings. Kids want in-laws to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:40

Gymmum82 · 03/12/2023 19:06

Why would you choose to spend xmas with your soon to be ex husband and his parents?
Just say no and book somewhere else for you and kids. Or take kids to your family and leave him to host his

Kids want to see their grandparents and there isn't any family I can stay with.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 03/12/2023 19:40

Surely the best thing for you MIL is to stay in her own home and for your ex to stay there and help. It will be far less disorientating than coming to your home.

Your ex is a dick, still expecting you to do the wife work.

Floralnomad · 03/12/2023 19:41

Why can’t your husband take the kids to theirs then you can stay at home

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:41

LadyOfTheCanyon · 03/12/2023 19:12

Out of interest, why did you surrender your license?

Medical condition so I didn't have a choice.

OP posts:
OldTinHat · 03/12/2023 19:42

Of course, STBXH. Absolutely fine. BTW, did I tell you my parents, siblings, best friends and the neighbours are also coming to stay and will be here for Christmas? No??? Oh silly me, but the DC are looking forward to it and won't it be fun?? No?? Then let's agree to no guests.

jeaux90 · 03/12/2023 19:42

Your MIL will find the change in environment difficult if the dementia is getting worse. Better that your ex goes there, maybe take the kids for Boxing Day etc.

You know you can say no.

Gymmum82 · 03/12/2023 19:42

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:40

Kids want to see their grandparents and there isn't any family I can stay with.

Show quote history

Fuck that. Book yourself a hotel or air b&b and leave him and the kids to it. This has been going on over a year? Absolute balls do you have to cater for his parents. Leave them all and have a peaceful xmas by yourself. I’d rather spend it alone than with people I can’t stand

TeaMistress · 03/12/2023 19:43

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:38

FIL needs a break from caring for MIL apparently.

Show quote history

It sounds nightmarish OP. You don't have to do this. I would be ringing FIL and telling him that you're about to file for divorce and won't be able to accommodate him or your ex MIL for Christmas.

IncompleteSenten · 03/12/2023 19:45

If it's going to be ruined anyway, why not take yourself away for a few days. Have your own Christmas with the children beforehand then leave your soon to be ex to deal with the children and his parents during their visit?

BetterWithPockets · 03/12/2023 19:45

I’d leave it all to your STBXH, OP, and ignore PILs as much as possible. I know easier said than done, but if your DC are keen and it’s a done deal, I don’t see you have much option other than to grin (or grimace) and bear it. I definitely wouldn’t put myself out for them though, and if they start on at you about things, perhaps you can smile sweetly and say, actually, that’s not my way (or words to that effect)? Good luck…