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Original poster

AIBU to think Christmas is ruined now?

140 replies

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:00

Soon to be ex husband has just asked if it's ok to invite his parents for Christmas. It wasn't really a question though, just pretending I have a choice.

His parents and I have a history, they've never thought that I was good enough. When they come they will have a go at me for choosing to work. In their eyes this is the route of all my problems. Of course it can't be because I'm married to their son.

Next they will start on my weight. I know I'm overweight it's from eating chocolate to survive lockdown. Life is too miserable right now to lose much. Though I have started cycling as I had to surrender my drivers license so that is helping. They will scrutinise what I eat. Tell me I should work out what a weeks worth of treats is and put it in a tin and once they are gone nothing until next week.

Then they will start on how I'm raising the children, looking after the house taking care of 'D'H. On and on it will go. Last year was bearable as I had to be flat on my back for two weeks so didn't interact much.

They need constant entertainment and hot drinks. MIL has dementia so can't be left on her own. I had to babysit her for 5 hours last time they were here. She'll put things down and get into a flap she can't find them.

It was going to be bad enough just the 4 of us (DS13 and DD10). Now it will be horrific. My mental health is pretty bad already as I have a lot going on. I'm not sure what to do. I have no friends or family I can stay with. I need a peaceful Christmas.

YABU Inlaws need someone to go it will be fine.

YANBU it will be the week from hell to top off one of the worst years of your life.

Ending it all comes to mind. Anyone got any better suggestions?

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 21:01

Devonshiregal · 03/12/2023 20:49

Wait but op what are you going to do next year? Or the year after? Etc. once the divorce goes through?
If this is one last year just plough through.
make sure it’s sorted going forward though. Don’t let kids denial ruin your life protect your mental health

I don't think the kids will deny it once it's actually happened and we are living in separate houses. Once we're not living in the same house I'll have somewhere to be at Christmas and no longer have to live by his rules. He can invite his parents then and the kids can spend sometime there and some time with me.

OP posts:
Tiddlywinkly · 03/12/2023 21:01

I'd either go elsewhere for much of the time or actually not be there and stay at a hotel. No point playing Happy Families, even for your kids. It's not the reality is it?

If you have to be there, focus on your kids. No watching your mil, minimal food prep etc. STBEH has got to get used to that.

Just keep thinking, you'll be free of them very soon. Use this as motivation to sort out the final paperwork. Final push, you got this.

P.s. no matter how shitty mil has been in the past, do NOT mention your theory about her SAH status causing her dementia. That's unfounded and cruel and just reflects badly on you. Leave with your dignity intact.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 21:03

Ivymom · 03/12/2023 21:00

OP, I think it is past time to find individual therapists and a family therapist for you and the kids. I would in-list the family therapist in helping you discuss your boundaries regarding your in-laws with your kids. The kids are old enough to understand that we don’t enjoy spending time with people who aren’t nice to us. Tell them that you are happy they enjoy time with their grandparents, but you need them to understand that their grandparents have been unkind to you, so you are choosing to not spend time with them. Tell your kids that you are compromising for their sakes and will be with everyone for certain activities (Christmas dinner, opening presents, etc…), but the rest of the time you will be doing other things and the kids are always welcome to join you.

DS is seeing a counsellor. DD didn't qualify so I've been on a course to help her cope with her anxiety. I'm already seeing a psychiatrist.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 21:24

Tiddlywinkly · 03/12/2023 21:01

I'd either go elsewhere for much of the time or actually not be there and stay at a hotel. No point playing Happy Families, even for your kids. It's not the reality is it?

If you have to be there, focus on your kids. No watching your mil, minimal food prep etc. STBEH has got to get used to that.

Just keep thinking, you'll be free of them very soon. Use this as motivation to sort out the final paperwork. Final push, you got this.

P.s. no matter how shitty mil has been in the past, do NOT mention your theory about her SAH status causing her dementia. That's unfounded and cruel and just reflects badly on you. Leave with your dignity intact.

It isn't unfounded. A lot of research shows that working protects against dementia and Alzheimer's. It doesn't prevent it but it lowers the risk of getting them. It's keeping your brain active that does it. It's the same as regularly doing crosswords and doing jigsaws. Both of which MIL has been told to do to protect against further decline. It won't prevent further decline but it might slow it down.

OP posts:
Ivymom · 03/12/2023 21:25

I would enlist DS’s counselor in telling him your boundaries for the holidays as then use a similar approach for DD. I would also ask your psychiatrist to help you with some coping mechanisms.

Dinkydoo17 · 03/12/2023 21:30

Tell him he needs to consider your children and that they should come first at Christmas. And that additional agro will spoil it for them. No wonder he's a soon to be ex.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 21:49

@Teenangels the factors causing Alzheimer's are complex and not well understood. However, it is known that some factors protect against Alzheimer's. Working is one of them, this is due to using your brain in the same way as crosswords and jigsaws help. They don't prevent Alzheimer's but lower the risk of getting. You can still get Alzheimer's when you are at lower risk but it's less likely. I'm sorry your Mum had such a horrible disease and I wouldn't wish it on anyone not even MIL. However, they go on and on about how I shouldn't be working it would be much better to stay at home. The fact that working can lower my risk of Alzheimer's is a reason to work. Not the only reason and not even top of the list but a reason. If she'd worked it's possible the lowering of risk might have stopped MIL getting it but we'll never know. I only mentioned it because they are so convinced the way they've lived is the right and only way to live. Not considering different things are better for different people.

OP posts:
DisquietintheRanks · 03/12/2023 21:57

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 21:49

@Teenangels the factors causing Alzheimer's are complex and not well understood. However, it is known that some factors protect against Alzheimer's. Working is one of them, this is due to using your brain in the same way as crosswords and jigsaws help. They don't prevent Alzheimer's but lower the risk of getting. You can still get Alzheimer's when you are at lower risk but it's less likely. I'm sorry your Mum had such a horrible disease and I wouldn't wish it on anyone not even MIL. However, they go on and on about how I shouldn't be working it would be much better to stay at home. The fact that working can lower my risk of Alzheimer's is a reason to work. Not the only reason and not even top of the list but a reason. If she'd worked it's possible the lowering of risk might have stopped MIL getting it but we'll never know. I only mentioned it because they are so convinced the way they've lived is the right and only way to live. Not considering different things are better for different people.

This is nonsense. You know that right ?

Kitkat1523 · 03/12/2023 22:26

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 21:49

@Teenangels the factors causing Alzheimer's are complex and not well understood. However, it is known that some factors protect against Alzheimer's. Working is one of them, this is due to using your brain in the same way as crosswords and jigsaws help. They don't prevent Alzheimer's but lower the risk of getting. You can still get Alzheimer's when you are at lower risk but it's less likely. I'm sorry your Mum had such a horrible disease and I wouldn't wish it on anyone not even MIL. However, they go on and on about how I shouldn't be working it would be much better to stay at home. The fact that working can lower my risk of Alzheimer's is a reason to work. Not the only reason and not even top of the list but a reason. If she'd worked it's possible the lowering of risk might have stopped MIL getting it but we'll never know. I only mentioned it because they are so convinced the way they've lived is the right and only way to live. Not considering different things are better for different people.

This is absolute bollocks…by all means work if you want too…,but don’t come on MN spouting shit like this

MenopauseSucks · 03/12/2023 22:48

@GlitteryRainbow

Please don't say that about Alzheimer's - about how work can help avoid it.
Nobody knows for shit what causes it.
Yes the scientists clutch at straws, coming up with advice on how to possibly avoid it. Advice they trot out constantly about preventative healthy living.
The only time a doctor can be sure a patient will get dementia is when there's a genetic link.

I had two female family members go down with it in their early 70s. They were in-laws & not related. There was no history of dementia in all their families.
Both women were fit & healthy, ate well, never smoked, occasionally drank with a meal, good social life, played bridge, poker (!) & did sudokus to keep mentally active. Both spent their 60s travelling around the world.
And yet they got it. Both diagnosed by 73. And the 'best' thing about it was their bodies were too f**king fit.
They survived a variety of illnesses because their hearts, lungs, livers & kidneys were in such good shape whilst their brains slowly wasted away.
They were adverts on how best, the healthiest way to live your life yet they still got it anyway.

Your PiLs sound like complete arses & you have my sympathy for that.
You might have to grin & bear this Xmas for the sake of the children - things will probably be different next year.
No husband, no in-laws.

Good luck OP & I hope it all turns out ok for you Flowers

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/12/2023 05:02

Isthisexpected · 03/12/2023 20:26

“I'm so desperate to tell them that if MIL had worked like I do perhaps she wouldn't have dementia now”

^ this is vile. If she has dementia then the only person you should be aiming your vitriolic come backs to is your FIL/husband and certainly shouldn't be about dementia!

Oh, for crying out loud!

Dementia is a horrible condition, but OP isn't making fun of it, nor of her MIL - and she might be right! Perhaps being more physically and mentally active might have postponed/lessened the severity ofher MILs condidtion (though not necessarily - Iris Murdoch who had one of the best intellects any author, and was certainly mentally active, suffered it).

OP is stressed and unhappy - she's trapped with a bullying man, and is trying to do the best thing to protect herself and her children. She's worn down and exhausted - stop "snowflaking" on her.

My own wonderful grandmother suffered from it. It's dreadful and has an impact on the entire family, but to complain that OP shouldn't be using "vitriolic comebacks" against a medical condition is just hyper-sensitive nonsense.

Noicant · 04/12/2023 05:08

I wouldn’t have them around in a happy marriage let alone if I were getting a divorce. Just say “no, we are getting divorced, I really don’t have to put up with them”.

Pacificisolated · 04/12/2023 07:15

Well done on taking positive steps to improve your life. Just think, next year you’ll likely be free of your soon to be ex husband.
I think the key to surviving this Christmas is to make it very clear to your husband and kids before PIL arrive that you will not be doing any of the care of MIL. If they ‘just pop out’ you refuse to mind her even for a few minutes. You do no entertaining, no making PILs drinks/lunch and certainly don’t engage with them on topics such as your weight or choice to work.
Moving forward you need to prep your children for all the Christmas’s that are to follow. Would they rather alternate between mums house one year then dads the next? Or would they like to spend morning with you and afternoon with dad?

Bluetrews25 · 04/12/2023 19:55

I hope very much that your mental health improves immensely when you are away from this cruel bully and his very similar parents.

Could you bear to just go off for the week/a few days and leave DCs with them? I'm concerned that it will be you caring for MIL if they are coming because FIL needs a break.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/12/2023 10:19

At the first comment about your weight you just say, "Look, MIL, your son and I are divorcing which means I no longer need to be polite to you. So you can just fuck the fuck off with your comments about my weight, you vile old bat."

Oh MargotBamborough, how our hearts beat as one. I read the first page and thought 'just say "Look, I'm splitting with your son so shut TFU with your vile comments. And piss off as soon as you like.'

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