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Original poster

AIBU to think Christmas is ruined now?

140 replies

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:00

Soon to be ex husband has just asked if it's ok to invite his parents for Christmas. It wasn't really a question though, just pretending I have a choice.

His parents and I have a history, they've never thought that I was good enough. When they come they will have a go at me for choosing to work. In their eyes this is the route of all my problems. Of course it can't be because I'm married to their son.

Next they will start on my weight. I know I'm overweight it's from eating chocolate to survive lockdown. Life is too miserable right now to lose much. Though I have started cycling as I had to surrender my drivers license so that is helping. They will scrutinise what I eat. Tell me I should work out what a weeks worth of treats is and put it in a tin and once they are gone nothing until next week.

Then they will start on how I'm raising the children, looking after the house taking care of 'D'H. On and on it will go. Last year was bearable as I had to be flat on my back for two weeks so didn't interact much.

They need constant entertainment and hot drinks. MIL has dementia so can't be left on her own. I had to babysit her for 5 hours last time they were here. She'll put things down and get into a flap she can't find them.

It was going to be bad enough just the 4 of us (DS13 and DD10). Now it will be horrific. My mental health is pretty bad already as I have a lot going on. I'm not sure what to do. I have no friends or family I can stay with. I need a peaceful Christmas.

YABU Inlaws need someone to go it will be fine.

YANBU it will be the week from hell to top off one of the worst years of your life.

Ending it all comes to mind. Anyone got any better suggestions?

OP posts:
Teenangels · 03/12/2023 20:29

Isthisexpected · 03/12/2023 20:26

“I'm so desperate to tell them that if MIL had worked like I do perhaps she wouldn't have dementia now”

^ this is vile. If she has dementia then the only person you should be aiming your vitriolic come backs to is your FIL/husband and certainly shouldn't be about dementia!

This is vile!

I said this further up, my wonderful Mum died of dementia this year.

This says more about the OP, trying to get one up on someone who is terminally I'll.

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 20:31

Teenangels · 03/12/2023 20:29

This is vile!

I said this further up, my wonderful Mum died of dementia this year.

This says more about the OP, trying to get one up on someone who is terminally I'll.

Show quote history

I wouldn't advise making any jibes about her dementia, but sometimes people were horrible even before the dementia and it sounds like that is the case here.

You don't have to be polite to someone or let them bully you just because they have dementia.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:31

@Pelham678 I looked after her for 5 hours whilst DH, FIL and DS went fishing. They were "popping out" so didn't expect it to be anywhere near that long. Plus I'd been told if they went out she'd go with them.

OP posts:
Greenpolkadot · 03/12/2023 20:31

Couldn't you and the kids go and stay with your own family.

betterangels · 03/12/2023 20:31

Nah, if the MIL is vile to OP it's okay to react. Sounds like she's always been bitchy to OP. People can still be awful even though they're ill.

RandomMess · 03/12/2023 20:32

How about be there for Christmas Day only then spend the rest of the time visiting friends or in a Travelodge enjoying the peace.

NeedToChangeName · 03/12/2023 20:32

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 03/12/2023 19:30

There'll be an empty space here where a teenager is no longer with us.

Christmas in indefinitely ruined.

Maybe you could use your words and think is this really the worst thing that we could be facing this Christmas.

So sorry to hear this x

Rocksonabeach · 03/12/2023 20:33

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:14

Yes, the kids want to see Grandparents plus they also want to spend Christmas with me. Pretty much means we're all spending Xmas together.

Show quote history

There all go to his parents and leave you alone then

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 03/12/2023 20:35

Just seen you said the DC know you are separating. If this is the case you need to explain that this is the end of all together Christmas in as gentle a way as possible.

Do not wear matching jumpers. The kids can have matching or match with you, but honestly playing along like the whole family is ok is not helpful. I’d even suggest being there for the morning and they letting the kids know you will be spending the evening seperatly, maybe watching xmas films in your room or something.

Mikimoto · 03/12/2023 20:35

"The kids said they're happy with burgers, so I'm doing that for them on Xmas Day"

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:36

betterangels · 03/12/2023 20:31

Nah, if the MIL is vile to OP it's okay to react. Sounds like she's always been bitchy to OP. People can still be awful even though they're ill.

Thank you. You see they have been the perfect parents and every choice they have ever made is the right way to do everything. As I've chosen differently that is why we're getting divorced. If I'd have chosen the same as them then my life would be perfect too.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/12/2023 20:37

Greenpolkadot · 03/12/2023 20:31

Couldn't you and the kids go and stay with your own family.

OP's already answered that

Her parents are dead

Gymmum82 · 03/12/2023 20:37

Sorry but the kids are going to have to get used to not spending xmas with one parent or the other. Why not put yourself first and make this the first year? You’re just martyring yourself.
Say sorry kids mum isn’t spending xmas with your dickhead dad or grandparents. So you have a nice xmas with them and I’ll be off at some nice hotel and we’ll have a xmas on either xmas eve or Boxing Day without them. As much as I do love my kids. Xmas is whatever day you put it on. I’d not spend it with people I hated for them

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 03/12/2023 20:37

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:31

@Pelham678 I looked after her for 5 hours whilst DH, FIL and DS went fishing. They were "popping out" so didn't expect it to be anywhere near that long. Plus I'd been told if they went out she'd go with them.

well you know not to help at all now and if they just go out and leave her with you I’d text them telling them they have 10 mins to get back before she is left alone or she’ll be reported as a person as risk because her carers have left her alone.

ElleWoods15 · 03/12/2023 20:37

OP, no solve all suggestions as to how you get round this. However, I will say that I was in a similar boat Xmas 2018. Awful now XH was refusing to leave the house he wasn’t paying for until divorce was settled, and also refusing to settle… Stuck together on Xmas day. His parents around (incl the MIL with an obsession with her DIL’s weight…!)

What got me through that year, feeling truly shitty, was the thought ‘ it’s darkest just before the dawn’.

Fast forward 4 months to April 19, divorce settled. Moved into a little place just me and DD. And I discovered just how true that saying is.

It does get better OP, and you are so so close to the bit where it turns and things start getting better again. Hang on in there.

KombuchaKalling · 03/12/2023 20:38

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 19:56

I realised that I wasn't just divorcing him I'm divorcing his family too and that is such a happy thought.

I'm so desperate to tell them that if MIL had worked like I do perhaps she wouldn't have dementia now as it's a protective factor and that I will carry on working to protect myself. Perhaps they might realise that just because they've done something one way doesn't mean it's the 'right' way.

Show quote history

I vote be as blunt as you want and give zero fucks. She has dementia and you hopefully won’t be seeing much of her going forward.

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 20:39

GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:31

@Pelham678 I looked after her for 5 hours whilst DH, FIL and DS went fishing. They were "popping out" so didn't expect it to be anywhere near that long. Plus I'd been told if they went out she'd go with them.

Don't let this happen again.

If they even talk about leaving your MIL in the house with you, you say, "Nope, no way. Not happening. In fact, I am going to go out myself, right now, so you can't leave me with her."

And then you put on your shoes and coat and you take yourself off for a walk.

Do not agree to be in the house alone with her even for five minutes.

DisquietintheRanks · 03/12/2023 20:39

50 years of work didn't protect my dad from dementia and, tbf OP, you don't know it will protect you, yet.

That aside, sounds like you've decided you have to see Christmas Day through so maybe keep reminding yourself it's for the last time. And def don't go above and beyond. No MiL sitting, minimal contact with the pair of them (go shopping, take kids to cinema, go for a walk). Think about what you want Xmas 2024 to look like.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 03/12/2023 20:40

ElleWoods15 · 03/12/2023 20:37

OP, no solve all suggestions as to how you get round this. However, I will say that I was in a similar boat Xmas 2018. Awful now XH was refusing to leave the house he wasn’t paying for until divorce was settled, and also refusing to settle… Stuck together on Xmas day. His parents around (incl the MIL with an obsession with her DIL’s weight…!)

What got me through that year, feeling truly shitty, was the thought ‘ it’s darkest just before the dawn’.

Fast forward 4 months to April 19, divorce settled. Moved into a little place just me and DD. And I discovered just how true that saying is.

It does get better OP, and you are so so close to the bit where it turns and things start getting better again. Hang on in there.

Thank you. I'm grateful for you sharing your experience. I really hope things improve for me too. I hope things are still going well for you.

OP posts:
MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 03/12/2023 20:41

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling so low at the moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

RandomMess · 03/12/2023 20:44

Please don't sacrifice your MH to keep everyone else happy.

The DC are probably struggling with the uncertainly, fear and atmosphere and once living apart they will be less anxious and happier.

In the future you will not be playing happy families with their Dad so don't feel you have to this year. The DC can't have what they want which is happily married parents.

Devonshiregal · 03/12/2023 20:49

Wait but op what are you going to do next year? Or the year after? Etc. once the divorce goes through?
If this is one last year just plough through.
make sure it’s sorted going forward though. Don’t let kids denial ruin your life protect your mental health

dapsnotplimsolls · 03/12/2023 20:51

It sounds like they're going to be there whatever you say. Stand firm with your plan to make him look after them. Be prepared to go for a lot of long walks if necessary.

Mangolover123 · 03/12/2023 20:51

It is what it is.

You need coping strategies.
Long walk on Christmas day.
Opening up presents with the kids.
Playing games with the kids.
Focus on them

STBX can do all the cooking and clearing up.

Long bath after dinner.
And don't give a fuck about anyone else.
When they start the comments smile and say "interesting" and move on.
Best of luck x

Ivymom · 03/12/2023 21:00

OP, I think it is past time to find individual therapists and a family therapist for you and the kids. I would in-list the family therapist in helping you discuss your boundaries regarding your in-laws with your kids. The kids are old enough to understand that we don’t enjoy spending time with people who aren’t nice to us. Tell them that you are happy they enjoy time with their grandparents, but you need them to understand that their grandparents have been unkind to you, so you are choosing to not spend time with them. Tell your kids that you are compromising for their sakes and will be with everyone for certain activities (Christmas dinner, opening presents, etc…), but the rest of the time you will be doing other things and the kids are always welcome to join you.