Seriously what next?

[Ihaveaquestionn]

Background - I’ve had anxiety/depression since 2016 related to chronic pain which has never been properly resolved but was coping okay

Had a baby in 2021 - things were going okay until he was 8 months old when I woke up suddenly panicky. This escalated to intrusive thoughts, constant fear, suicidal feelings. All related to myself, my past failures (why have I never been able to resolve my chronic pain, did I marry the right man and other random things I’d done as a child or teenager that were embarrassing/immoral)

Admitted to mother and baby unit and had a horrendous experience. Was essentially discharged without a care plan and left to carry on. I improved over time, went back to work etc. Was on sertraline and Quetiapine.

This level of functioning continued for around a year. Looking back I was not okay I was simply pushing myself through the day and avoiding any time alone, unable to relax etc.

In November my husband convinced me to stop taking my medication as I was still complaining of some anxiety and chronic pain… I’m sure you all know what’s coming.

Life stressors, massive relapse. Back on meds but no change. Swapped to fluoxetine, no change. Had a horrendous reaction to venlafaxine and now on mirtazapine which is making me extremely tired and angry but doing nothing for depression/anxiety.

I have been under the crisis team three times since January and keep being discharged back into the community on a new drug that ends up not working.

I am extremely suicidal and get through the day by simply holding on to the tiny slither of will to live I have because of my child. I can’t be alone, can’t drive, go out alone.

being around my son is unbearable because I can’t cope with him at all.

The next medication being suggested is Duloxetine. I have no hope left in medication but will try it anyway.

I’ve got to the end of this and realise I don’t even know what I’m asking. I just can’t live like this anymore it’s been this bad since January.

Cant have therapy at the moment as literally cannot process anything people are saying. It’s like nothing makes sense. Can’t focus on a book or tv. Can just about do a crossword with my heart racing and constant intrusive thoughts.

Am I literally fucked or does anyone have any words of advice

That really scares the Shit out of me. I’d prefer to think mine is from high anxiety I don’t know

Ah I see here it says that it can come from high anxiety. I definitely don’t have the second two, it’s depersonalisation / derealisation im sure

Did you ever suffer from this?

No but you mentioned to a PP feeling like you were outside of yourself and not grounded and so I was offering some info in case it resonates with you - so you can then bring it up with the psychiatrist at your next appointment.

Have you thought any more about private inpatient treatment? I really think it would be the best thing you could do.

My mums looking into options re inpatient at the moment

Can anyone recommend a good private psychiatrist as the other option has fallen through

thank you

What insurance do you have? Some of them only take certain types of insurance - your insurer may have a list. Mine helped my find one initially. Otherwise, I found (a second one) on doctify based on his reviews.

No insurance but can self fund no problem

Oh sorry, I thought you'd said something about insurance earlier but I probably mis-remembered. Given you're thinking about inpatient, it might make sense to look at one of the psychs associated with somewhere like the priory. Many of them work in private practice/clinics outside the priory too.

Yes I did but as my mh problems are long standing (although NEVER this bad) I can’t use my husbands work insurance

Whereabouts in the country are you ? (Vaguely)

London / Essex

Sorry can't recommend directly for there but if you Google doctify you can do a search and read all the reviews for different people.

No I never felt like I wasn't myself. That sounds more like the dissociation seen in PTSD, C-PTSD, or borderline personality disorder, but I know it is also possible to dissociate without it being a symptom of a disorder, under extreme stress, and that could also be what is happening to you.

If you need a psychiatrist ASAP, try Psychiatry UK, they have lots of psychiatrists and they can do assessments for different mental illnesses as well but they don't do inpatient. They did my ADHD assessment/diagnosis and I saw them at Christmas while I was waiting for the NHS to get their shit together. Phone them up and explain that you need an appointment ASAP, they might be able to fit you in sooner than if you use their online booking form. Their appointments are online with a video link, so you don't have to go to someone's office (or travel home afterwards).

They will want to know what mental illness you want to see someone for so they can point you at a specialist in that condition. I'd honestly suggest getting an assessment for OCD, bipolar or borderline personality disorder at this point, because if you rule out one, it's very likely to be one of the others, and if you rule out all three, then they can look at the less common disorders to nail down what is happening so you can get your life back.

i have an appt for next week but I have no idea how I’ll make it to then. But I seem to just keep going for some reason

I can’t explain the dissociation very well

i went through a lot personally about 6 years ago and ever since I’ve had this feeling that I’m just not “who I used to be” but it wasn’t something that scared me minute to minute if that makes sense

after my post natal depression last year I felt it much more. Very detached but again wasn’t terrifying

this time around it’s literally like living in a nightmare every second of the dsy

Did you ask about removing the coil? Only with stopping breastfeeding triggering your MH getting worse I'd be really inclined to look at hormonal issues. The anxiety I felt just from the mini pill alone was really terrible. Once I stopped I felt myself again.

I need to ask about that asap.
I was actually given the coil to help balance my mood but it obviously hasn’t done anything!

Well things haven’t improved in fact they’ve got worse if that was even possible. Am spending almost all day in a complete daze but yet somehow still severely anxious. I’ve withdrawn totally from my child now as can’t bear the feeling of detachment. Still on Mirtazapine 30mg and nothing else.

Am checking into a private clinic tomorrow. Saw a psychiatrist who confirmed it is purely anxiety and depression, just very severe, and the disassociating is a symptom of those two conditions being very high.

She believes I need a mood stabiliser and different medication.

Im glad this is happening in one way, but am also terrifed Of going somewhere like that while I feel so strange and detached.

praying to god this is what helps me.

I plan to go offline while I’m there so want to thank you all now for your help and support and suggestions

I’m really glad to hear this! Embrace the experience at the clinic, take all the support offered, rest, sleep, let them look after you. You might do nothing the first few days but as the fog starts to lift you’ll feel able to participate and benefit from the environment and the care.

Let us know how you get on 💐

I've been thinking about you OP. I hope the clinic helps to stabilise you and gives you a chance to recover. Take care of yourself.

I am really hoping the fog does lift with new medication x

Keep us up to date with how you are doing - have been thinking of you. I'm so glad that you are going to get some proper help and support now.

Thank you

honestly im Terrified x

I can imagine - that's completely understandable and I'm sure I'd feel the same but try and give yourself over to the treatment and care