Seriously what next?

[Ihaveaquestionn]

Background - I’ve had anxiety/depression since 2016 related to chronic pain which has never been properly resolved but was coping okay

Had a baby in 2021 - things were going okay until he was 8 months old when I woke up suddenly panicky. This escalated to intrusive thoughts, constant fear, suicidal feelings. All related to myself, my past failures (why have I never been able to resolve my chronic pain, did I marry the right man and other random things I’d done as a child or teenager that were embarrassing/immoral)

Admitted to mother and baby unit and had a horrendous experience. Was essentially discharged without a care plan and left to carry on. I improved over time, went back to work etc. Was on sertraline and Quetiapine.

This level of functioning continued for around a year. Looking back I was not okay I was simply pushing myself through the day and avoiding any time alone, unable to relax etc.

In November my husband convinced me to stop taking my medication as I was still complaining of some anxiety and chronic pain… I’m sure you all know what’s coming.

Life stressors, massive relapse. Back on meds but no change. Swapped to fluoxetine, no change. Had a horrendous reaction to venlafaxine and now on mirtazapine which is making me extremely tired and angry but doing nothing for depression/anxiety.

I have been under the crisis team three times since January and keep being discharged back into the community on a new drug that ends up not working.

I am extremely suicidal and get through the day by simply holding on to the tiny slither of will to live I have because of my child. I can’t be alone, can’t drive, go out alone.

being around my son is unbearable because I can’t cope with him at all.

The next medication being suggested is Duloxetine. I have no hope left in medication but will try it anyway.

I’ve got to the end of this and realise I don’t even know what I’m asking. I just can’t live like this anymore it’s been this bad since January.

Cant have therapy at the moment as literally cannot process anything people are saying. It’s like nothing makes sense. Can’t focus on a book or tv. Can just about do a crossword with my heart racing and constant intrusive thoughts.

Am I literally fucked or does anyone have any words of advice

@Mnusernc I feel heartbroken as I have a two year old child but I just don’t feel like they are even mine anymore. Can’t focus on them properly, can’t cope looking after them. I just feel nothing and that terrifies me and I just want to be away from them now, whereas before it helped my anxiety to focus on my child. That’s what is destroying me right now. My family are doing everything under the sun for me but I just feel SO lost now I don’t think there is a way out for me. I can’t keep trying anymore

@Mnusernc Maybe it’s the depression but I just don’t even try these things anymore as I know as soon as it’s over I’m back to reality and nothing has changed. Or unreality I should say. Part of me knows deep down I won’t give up as I will not let my child grow up without a mother. But at the same time my suffering is extreme on all levels. So I feel trapped. I hope the private psych has a miracle drug for me

I'm so sorry. Remember this is something that is happening to you, it isn't you if that makes sense. I hope the psychiatrist can help, and definitely mention it was the bf hormone change that started it and that you have the coil.

I am not at all qualified but if I had to guess I think your recovery will be incremental rather than instantaneous and your days will just get slightly better almost without you noticing. A 2 year old is still really intense parenting wise, and it gets easier as they can have full conversations.

I think you will need to work hard to recover but you're already showing such strength in adversity.

@Mnusernc yes that makes sense thank you

So the new med regime is fluoxetine 20mg moving up to 40mg in 2 weeks. Alongside amitriptyline for sleep and pain. With the option to add an antipsychotic if I don’t see improvement. Quite glad to say goodbye to Mirtazapine as I feel even more horrendous than usual on it. My psych isn’t happy about how much I’m eating on it (insane amounts of unhealthy food and can’t control myself). Any thoughts welcome @ArseInTheCoOpWindow p.s. Typing your username is the one thing that makes me smile every day

@Ihaveaquestionn glad to oblige😁🙇🏼‍♀️

Its an old Northern saying, not something l do daily. Well not every day anyway😉🍑

I was on sertraline + amitryptyline for a few months when my PTSD was bad and I was having a lot of intrusive thoughts. The only side effect that I had was a very dry mouth. I think it helped a bit but I didn't find it had a huge impact on sleep but then again I'm generally quite resistant to those sort of things. I hope it helps

Did anything else work for you in the end?

I found escitalopram the best SSRi (and took either diazepam or zopiclone for sleep although not every night). I'm on trazodone now which is sedating and has worked pretty well for me.

Ihaveaquestion

You poor thing you are not well and you are being really hard on yourself for being unwell- now if you had cancer would you do that to yourself?

You are taking action to get better and the weird disconnected feeling is coming from this state of mind and will go when you are better so stop beating yourself up for things you think you are doing wrong now or when you were younger. Did you have a very harsh critical parent possibly and you may have internalised that voice?

You are taking steps to get help and it is going to get better.

I know I just look back and think I could have helped myself when things weren’t this bad. I keep worrying constantly and it’s not helping me.

Have you had the weird disconnected feeling? Mine is so severe it’s affecting me so badly

Yes, it goes with the mental state you are in, it's not you try not to worry, it is the state you are in.

Thank you. Hard not to worry

This Mirtazapine is definitely not suiting me this is my worst day yet I just want to end it all. Never felt so bad in my life. Does anyone know how long the fluoxetine might take to work once I start hopefully tomorrow

I know you didn't feel 100% on Prozac but hold onto the fact that you felt better than this - and then you can build from there. I know how painful and awful it is waiting for them to kick in but take a day / half day / hour at a time.

(Prozac = fluoxetine)

Yes in hindsight MUCH better but I have now got these new symptoms of detachment and everything seeming so bright and odd around me. And I’m worried it won’t help with that.

Although I was only ever on 20mg and apparently can go up to 60mg.

I have also cut out gluten as I have been reading about the link between gluten sensitivity and anxiety/lightheadedness/fatigue etc. the two latter of which I’ve had for over a decade before the anxiety and rumination began!

Sent you a very garbled PM OP.

Have they looked into OCD, I take Olanzapine for this and it helps.

My husband has basically employed a private mental health team who I am now under including psychiatrists, psychotherapists, ocd specialists, nutrition coaches etc etc.

I had a consultation with a consultant psych there who mentioned ocd and was surprised the nhs has only ever diagnosed mixed anxiety/depression.

i think that’s why the plan is to go back to fluoxetine and increase the dose to the max. She did also mention an anti psychotic but wants to wait to see me in person rather than a zoom call. So I will ask about that one too. Thank you

Trust those experts your husband has put in place( his commitment to you is so clear in doing all of that) and just follow their advice. You are going to get through this and try not to beat yourself up for things from the past, they don't matter they really don't.

No confirmation from psych on changing meds yet even though they did say it would be back to fluoxetine. So I’m still on Mirtazapine 15mg which is doing nothing and clonazepam twice a day which I’m sure I’m now addicted to. God why don’t these people hurry up

What dose diazepam are you taking and for how long ? I have used it in the past

I was on 1mg a day for about a month in April. I was then taken off it abruptly and started to suffer worse anxiety but didn’t understand you were supposed to wean off as wasn’t told by the mh team

Since May I have taken average 0.5 a day

It used to really calm me down and now it barely takes the edge off but I can’t start taking more as I can’t function on it as so tired and spacey anyway

it’s clonazepam so much stronger than Valium