Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

Seriously what next?

149 replies

Ihaveaquestionn · 17/07/2023 14:03

Background - I’ve had anxiety/depression since 2016 related to chronic pain which has never been properly resolved but was coping okay

Had a baby in 2021 - things were going okay until he was 8 months old when I woke up suddenly panicky. This escalated to intrusive thoughts, constant fear, suicidal feelings. All related to myself, my past failures (why have I never been able to resolve my chronic pain, did I marry the right man and other random things I’d done as a child or teenager that were embarrassing/immoral)

Admitted to mother and baby unit and had a horrendous experience. Was essentially discharged without a care plan and left to carry on. I improved over time, went back to work etc. Was on sertraline and Quetiapine.

This level of functioning continued for around a year. Looking back I was not okay I was simply pushing myself through the day and avoiding any time alone, unable to relax etc.

In November my husband convinced me to stop taking my medication as I was still complaining of some anxiety and chronic pain… I’m sure you all know what’s coming.

Life stressors, massive relapse. Back on meds but no change. Swapped to fluoxetine, no change. Had a horrendous reaction to venlafaxine and now on mirtazapine which is making me extremely tired and angry but doing nothing for depression/anxiety.

I have been under the crisis team three times since January and keep being discharged back into the community on a new drug that ends up not working.

I am extremely suicidal and get through the day by simply holding on to the tiny slither of will to live I have because of my child. I can’t be alone, can’t drive, go out alone.

being around my son is unbearable because I can’t cope with him at all.

The next medication being suggested is Duloxetine. I have no hope left in medication but will try it anyway.

I’ve got to the end of this and realise I don’t even know what I’m asking. I just can’t live like this anymore it’s been this bad since January.

Cant have therapy at the moment as literally cannot process anything people are saying. It’s like nothing makes sense. Can’t focus on a book or tv. Can just about do a crossword with my heart racing and constant intrusive thoughts.

Am I literally fucked or does anyone have any words of advice

OP posts:
Mnusernc · 20/07/2023 07:15

Just checking you're not on any hormonal contraception? Did anything change when baby was 8 months? Eg stopping bf or getting a coil? Are you peri menopausal?

Also, if it's safe to do so are you exercising regularly? Swimming seems to be helpful to a lot of people.

Not being trivial, obviously drugs important too.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 20/07/2023 07:19

from severe neck tension which also causes problems with my eyes and depersonalisation’

I think you need a chiropractor. A good chiropractor should be able to release the tension which is causing your pain, and give you some exercises to stop it returning.

I was sceptical about chiropractors, but I was suffering continuous nagging pain which orthodox medicine didn’t seems to be able to either diagnose or alleviate. Two sessions with the chiropractor, I was so much better.

I’ve been going once every six months for thirty years now! It must be worth a try…..

Original poster
Ihaveaquestionn · 20/07/2023 07:40

@Mnusernc i have the mirena coil… yes it all changed when I got my first period after giving birth and then stopped breastfeeding at the same time. I was actually given the mirena coil to help with the symptoms of anxiety…
I can’t exercise at the moment as I’m so so dizzy and exhausted

OP posts:
Mnusernc · 20/07/2023 08:00

I'm only speaking anecdotally but me and quite a few of my friends went bonkers on hormonal contraception after babies. So anxious, tearful and hopeless.

There's studies saying IUDs are the worst for anxiety and depression. If you're feeling so low I would seriously consider trying without it, as it's proven to cause anxiety and depression. You can always get another one if you miss it.

The bf withdrawal is a funny one, the hormones involved are so powerful, I was so affected by them. I don't think there's enough understanding of the impact on mood and state of mind.

Original poster
Ihaveaquestionn · 20/07/2023 11:03

@Mnusernc perhaps I should have it taken out!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaveaquestionn · 20/07/2023 11:05

Well interestingly the private psych wants to take me off Mirtazapine (mainly because I’m eating so much on it - I hadn’t realised HOW much until I realised I’d eaten 6 pieces of white bread yesterday in between meals) and put me back on fluoxetine but go all the way up to 60mg as I’d only ever tried 20mg. Said she will possibly add an anti psychotic at some point. She thinks Mirtazapine is not helping enough even at this early point… any opinions?

OP posts:
kizziee · 20/07/2023 11:10

Did you feel that she really listened to you. I think it's really important that you feel you've got someone you can trust and talk to fully.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/07/2023 11:11

Why did you stop fluoxetine?

mynameiscalypso · 20/07/2023 11:12

I can relate to some of what you say - the connection between chronic pain and mental health goes really deep (which is not to say that one causes the other but I struggle with my mental health when my condition flares up and struggle, differently, when it's better). I have also tried lots of drugs - I came off mirtazapine quite quickly because it did nothing very much for me. Eventually, my psychiatrist put me on a sedating anti depressant (trazodone) which has been brilliant as it doesn't only help with mood/anxiety but also helps me sleep when the pain is bad. I was also on an antipsychotic for a while as a treatment for anorexia and it was very helpful in quietening the obsessive thoughts (in my case about food).

mynameiscalypso · 20/07/2023 11:13

Oh and just to add, I've always had to go up to the max dose (and in the case of sertraline, beyond the normal max dose) for it to work.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/07/2023 11:14

I had to go onto 40mg of fluoxetine to feel proper benefit.

Original poster
Ihaveaquestionn · 20/07/2023 11:23

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/07/2023 11:11

Why did you stop fluoxetine?

Because I didn’t think it was working well enough for me… in hindsight I was functioning at about 50% whereas right now I feel about 5% well… in a good moment. I’ve been really stupid with medication I think. I stopped taking the fluoxetine and Quetiapine abruptly because I still felt anxious and a bit detached and was convinced it wasn’t working. Such an idiot

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaveaquestionn · 20/07/2023 11:25

mynameiscalypso · 20/07/2023 11:12

I can relate to some of what you say - the connection between chronic pain and mental health goes really deep (which is not to say that one causes the other but I struggle with my mental health when my condition flares up and struggle, differently, when it's better). I have also tried lots of drugs - I came off mirtazapine quite quickly because it did nothing very much for me. Eventually, my psychiatrist put me on a sedating anti depressant (trazodone) which has been brilliant as it doesn't only help with mood/anxiety but also helps me sleep when the pain is bad. I was also on an antipsychotic for a while as a treatment for anorexia and it was very helpful in quietening the obsessive thoughts (in my case about food).

Especially when you blame yourself for it! Also my pain is in my head and comes with very intense dizziness almost all the time which draws my attention to my head and therefore to my thinking even more if that makes any sense. At the moment I feel like I’m literally stuck inside my head worrying and feeling detached it’s bloody awful

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 20/07/2023 11:34

@Ihaveaquestionn It totally makes sense - mine was a different type of pain but it absolutely traps you inside your body/head and it is very isolating, no matter how much support you have around you. Did you talk to the psych about the pain? While they can't treat it, my psychiatrist has sometimes advocated on my behalf with other medical professionals and highlighted the increased risk of suicide (amongst other things) when the pain isn't under control.

Hibiscrubbed · 20/07/2023 11:57

In November my husband convinced me to stop taking my medication as I was still complaining of some anxiety and chronic pain… I’m sure you all know what’s coming.

Why did he convince you to stop taking your meds? You say you had reservations over marrying him, is this an avenue you’ve explored?

Original poster
Ihaveaquestionn · 20/07/2023 12:25

Because he doesn’t believe in taking anti depressants and I was still saying I was in pain. I know it doesn’t make sense but at the time I thought I’d cope fine. Yes I’ve explored that avenue and it’s more like relationship ocd than genuine feelings if that makes sense

OP posts:
Mnusernc · 20/07/2023 16:43

I would try removing coil definitely, and make sure you're not anemic, low in vitamin d, folate etc as pregnancy and bf suck the life out of you

Hibiscrubbed · 20/07/2023 16:45

Ihaveaquestionn · 20/07/2023 12:25

Because he doesn’t believe in taking anti depressants and I was still saying I was in pain. I know it doesn’t make sense but at the time I thought I’d cope fine. Yes I’ve explored that avenue and it’s more like relationship ocd than genuine feelings if that makes sense

It’s not his place to ‘believe’ in your prescribed medicine or not.

Does he hold the viewpoint that you could pull yourself out of this if you just ‘buck up’ a bit?

Original poster
Ihaveaquestionn · 20/07/2023 16:48

Hibiscrubbed · 20/07/2023 16:45

It’s not his place to ‘believe’ in your prescribed medicine or not.

Does he hold the viewpoint that you could pull yourself out of this if you just ‘buck up’ a bit?

Show quote history

Yes if I just “let it go” and “go to the gym” I would not have mh problems

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaveaquestionn · 20/07/2023 16:49

Mnusernc · 20/07/2023 16:43

I would try removing coil definitely, and make sure you're not anemic, low in vitamin d, folate etc as pregnancy and bf suck the life out of you

@Mnusernc i am low in all of them but have been supplementing with no joy

OP posts:
Mnusernc · 20/07/2023 17:17

Are you eating red meat? I know not great for planet but neither is insanity

Mnusernc · 20/07/2023 17:20

I don't think you're being treated like someone who has gone through intense physical and hormonal upheaval and depletion. I would ask for stronger folate tablets and eat more iron and get rid of your coil and make sure you're getting enough sleep and help in general.
I'm not belittling serious mental illness but I think context of what you've been through is really important

Original poster
Ihaveaquestionn · 20/07/2023 18:47

Mnusernc · 20/07/2023 17:20

I don't think you're being treated like someone who has gone through intense physical and hormonal upheaval and depletion. I would ask for stronger folate tablets and eat more iron and get rid of your coil and make sure you're getting enough sleep and help in general.
I'm not belittling serious mental illness but I think context of what you've been through is really important

@Mnusernc i will ask. I honestly don’t think I will survive many more days like this.

OP posts:
Mnusernc · 20/07/2023 21:24

This is heartbreaking to read. It's so hard for you and I'm so sorry. I wish I could help you see some light x

Mnusernc · 20/07/2023 21:29

Can you try some asmr shorts videos on YouTube tonight? They're only a minute long so don't require focus but can really help with anxiety. I totally remember the not being able to focus and it's horrible, but really short videos might be ok?