Sudden break up

[Cj777]

Hi, I am completely and utterly devastated, my partner of ten years decided in Sunday to end things, and I feel so low and suicidal , I don't want to carry on, it hurts so so deeply.

I just keep crying constantly, I love him so much and don't want to let him go, he said he couldn't handle the guilty feelings he has anymore and needs some head space and time to sort himself out. He had a one night stand and the beginning of the relationship and about two years found out that the woman who he had slept with not thinks her daughter is his. So he told me after a few weeks of finding this out, we broke up briefly but managed to work things out.. or so I thought but then this shock decision to just say he couldn't deal with it anymore and it has broken him.

I feel so sad, I just want us to work together through it, but he has said he needs to be alone, he wants to be friends and we are still speaking and texting all the time.

I feel lonely and that I will never be loved again, we were so so close and loving, and it's like he has just switched off his feelings overnight, I am heart broken feels like such a massive loss, don't know what to do with myself, I just want him to come back .

Thanks for listening

Honestly OP, been there, got the t-shirt.

What has he been like, as a partner, @Cj777 ? Not sure if you're avoiding that question, or whether there's stuff to say that you don't want to say... perhaps you didn't see it.

Nobody is going to think you're 'mad' for wanting to stay in touch, I think all of us on the thread have been where you are and understand the feeling. It's a hell of a shock. It feels better to minimise the shock by keeping the person around. It won't help you recover quicker, is all I'd say, and probably all anyone will say. You're not too soft: you just know how to love someone deeply, and it's very hard to just stop that.

Well yes I was avoiding answering that, we first got together after I had broke up with my ex husband of 15 years, at the time it moved very fast he moved in withing a few months and it was always very intense lots of calls, lots of messages, he was quite jealous at the time but that did settle down after a bit.
We had our ups and downs, both emotionally and financially he wasn't very stable with money and I always helped him out, this got on my nerves alot, I didn't agree with some of his decisions sometimes, then about 8 years into it, a girl came forward and said her 8 year old daughter was his, he had a one night stand about a month into the relationship, so he told me all this and again we worked through things but I then became a bit jealous and probably a bit resentful as it hurt so much but we stayed together.
He did like to get his own way when it came to buying things yes, he was sometimes miserable but we were so close and did everything together, I always put him first really, probably sometimes even before my kids.. hate to say that now.
Our relationship had always been very intense and now I think that's why it has hit me so hard as it's left a great big hole. My children didn't particularly like him, my mum and dad didn't like him which always made things hard as well.

@Cj777
Love comes with no time guarantees. Some people love each other for as long as they live. Some people fall out of love and separate. Some people fall out of love but stay together for convenience. No relationship comes with a guarantee, and it is a completely wasted emotion to hate or resent someone because they no longer love you. The truth is that you would not want to live with a man who no longer loves you. Would you really be happy if he were to say" I no longer love you, but I will stay if that is what you want " ?

It is possible that he may now have feelings for someone else, but it is equally possible that he simply no longer has feelings for you.

Your value and worth were not tied to him. Those attributes exist in you and your character.

Look around you. You will see many divorced or separated women and men. All.still living and many moved on the next new "love of my life " or the next new " soul mate."

We are all resilient , and today' s pain becomes tomorrow's fleeting memory or learning lesson.

Let him go with grace and dignity. Don't waste your time on anger. You don't need anger to move forward and you don't need foolish platitudes about karma. Remember that which was good and recognize that even better is within your grasp.

What do your children think about the break up?

My daughter is meeting me Sunday and I haven't seen her for nearly a year x

I know that! Just pointing this out as when we feeling what is ”only natural” we tend to self sabotage and rose tinted glasses

That must have been hard for both of you, I hope your meet up goes well.

BTW no one thinks you are “mad “ or “ soft “ to want stay friends with him aka letting him continue to use you “. Everyone understands why you WANT to do it - because you love him and think that he will change his mind.

it’s just that we all know he won’t change his mind, he will just use and abuse you and it will fuck with your mental health. And unlike him, we actually care about you . Because lots of us have been there ourselves and want to help other women who are in the same situation.

Same as we know that your mental health will probably improve when you are free of this man.

He came back last night from a few days away, I had taken sleeping tablets to help me stop overthinking at night so I didn't see him, but he woke me this morning and we spoke he has said there have been a few things in our relationship that were not working I was frustrated as he never spoke about it before, but at least I know now that it is over and he doesn't want me back, we were amicable about things, still in agony with the pain of it all, it hurts like a knife cutting into you, it really does.
Then I keep panicking about how am I going to be alone, how will I ever meet anyone else, how I am going to move if I need to move house, my mind is going 100 miles an hour.

Then I keep panicking about how am I going to be alone, how will I ever meet anyone else, how I am going to move if I need to move house, my mind is going 100 miles an hour

None of these things are happening. Your life will continue, you will be single for a while, you will move house, you will meet someone else. It's very rare for someone to actually watch their life fall apart, and stay single/lonely forever. Do you know anybody that's happened to? Nobody on the thread, that's for sure, even though we've all been in a similar position to you, at some time or other.

Just do now. You're ok now. Warm, dry, fed (if you want to be), even treats, if you choose them. It's ok. All the turmoil is on the inside. There are no tragedies on the outside. You, like the rest of us, are someone who has been through a break up. You will do what the rest of us did: cry for a bit and think your whole life is wrecked, then realise that he wasn't that great, and that your relationship with him doesn't have 'whole life' implications. You've still got your job, family, friends, house, hobbies etc.

It's going to be ok. His choices are not the deciding factor in whether you have a good life or not.

So this week, I had to take time off work couldn't cope at all, just kept breaking down, he has been on nights so when he gets up we have been speaking then going walking and to the gym together, we get on so well, I just hate the fact that our relationship has ended.

The audacity of the man, using you for housing and an ego boost. Hopefully you find your rage soon and cease the doormat behaviour. Focus solely on yourself, not blokes. What goals do you have?

OMG OP. You really need to read and digest the responses on here. The man is a cocklodger and cruel to boot, knowing how hurt you are and playing with your feelings. He does not love you.
You need to get angry, You need to change the locks.
What you will do as opposed to need to do is probably the opposite - this time. What happens next time he does this to you?

What on earth are you doing OP?

I really hope you start to move into the angry phase soon.

Get that fucker out of your house. He needs to find somewhere else fast. Ask him to stay with friends until he finds a place.
Don't play at half-a-relationship. Don't go to the gym with him.
Make some plans of your own and not at his convenience. Have friends over and make sure he's not lumbering around in your way. Have family to stay. Invite your parents for Sunday lunch. And your kids. It's very sad that you put him before them but now you don't have to.

You say you wonder if you'll ever meet someone else. You really need time and some counselling or self-help to realise your strength, purpose and happiness in life are not bound up in a man. Especially a feckless eejit like him. You'd benefit from some time alone, enjoying your own company, establishing your sense of self and strong boundaries.

Shake him off as soon as possible so you can get started.

Fawning over some absolute user bloke, like so many other women who are terrified of being alone.

Noooo this is not going to end well. When a relationship ends you need a clean break!

For goodness sake stop spending time with him!

You need to help yourself here OP. Many many posters have been where are you are and have given you excellent advice.

You are posting the same thing over and over. And people have responded on how to help.

You don't have to take advice. But you can't expect people to keep saying the same things over again, if you don't try to help yourself here.

He is taking you for a mug.
He is using you.
The relationship is over. He has told you repeatedly.

I am sorry for sounding so harsh. But you need to do what is best for you now.

He isn't going to be a lifelong friend. He just needs a place to stay right now, so keeping you sweet.

Op he sounds awful. I can understand people living together after a breakup if they have a mortgage or kids together but you don’t. Please get rid of this cocklodger.

I know you’re worried about being on your own but you need to know that you already already are. Distance from him is the best way to start your new, improved life.

OP, do you think that perhaps you are being a bit dramatic. Your life is not ending. You have children so it is reasonable to assume that you have experienced the ending of a relationship. You have not seen your daughter for over a year, so you have experienced separation from a loved one. Look around you .Whatever environment that you are in , I can promise you that the group includes divorced men and women as well as single parents. They have all experienced loss and separation, and yet they are alive and functioning.

As difficult as it may be to accept neither you nor your situation is so unique as to be fatal or employment disabling.

He is just a man, and the world is filled with men. No matter what you think, he is just an ordinary man. It is likely that if you make the effort , you can find another ordinary man.

If you are willing to live with a man who no longer loves you, then you can probably find many less than ordinary men who would not object to filling that slot.

An alternative is to realize that you are a capable woman. You may want a partner ; most of us do. However, you do not need a partner to have an active, productive, and satisfying life. That is fully within your control.

If you perceive yourself as a hurt and damage woman who needs a man to manage her life and make it whole, you are short changing yourself and you really have nothing healthy to offer a partner.

Of course you can arrange a move, women do it all of the time. There is nothing facing you that you cannot handled. If you sit around thinking of yourself as a wrong woman, that is exactly what you will be. However, it will be you damaging yourself.

I have now come away for the weekend to see my grown up children, it may give me the space I need to think about why I am acting like this?

Op maybe you could text him that you’d like him to leave by the time you get back?

Hi op, I agree with the pp about texting him to say he should leave by the time you get back. It’s the ideal time as you are away and if face to face he will find a away to stay in your home. I hope you realise you are worth so much more 💐

Because for some reason you are addicted to him.
And like any drug, being addicted is REALLY bad for you but hard to give up.
In this instance you need to go cold turkey. GET RID and rip the bandage off.
ITs going to hurt like a bitch, but you are in pain anyway. Please help yourself.
You are worth so much more than one useless git who cares only for himself.