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Original poster

Sudden break up

126 replies

Cj777 · 01/07/2023 15:49

Hi, I am completely and utterly devastated, my partner of ten years decided in Sunday to end things, and I feel so low and suicidal , I don't want to carry on, it hurts so so deeply.

I just keep crying constantly, I love him so much and don't want to let him go, he said he couldn't handle the guilty feelings he has anymore and needs some head space and time to sort himself out. He had a one night stand and the beginning of the relationship and about two years found out that the woman who he had slept with not thinks her daughter is his. So he told me after a few weeks of finding this out, we broke up briefly but managed to work things out.. or so I thought but then this shock decision to just say he couldn't deal with it anymore and it has broken him.

I feel so sad, I just want us to work together through it, but he has said he needs to be alone, he wants to be friends and we are still speaking and texting all the time.

I feel lonely and that I will never be loved again, we were so so close and loving, and it's like he has just switched off his feelings overnight, I am heart broken feels like such a massive loss, don't know what to do with myself, I just want him to come back .

Thanks for listening

OP posts:
PotsnPan · 01/07/2023 19:57

Don’t want to leave you hanging as I’ve similar feelings, separated from H after 13 years. I can’t say anything that will help you right now aside from to say you’re not alone - there’s an amazing thread on here, something like ‘separate thread for those struggling with separation’ (look up what I’ve recently posted on), join that thread, your hand will be held x

SunflowerTed · 01/07/2023 20:00

there will be another woman waiting in the wings sadly xx

Letsgotitans · 01/07/2023 20:03

Personally I think that his reason is a load of rubbish! It definitely sounds like a excuse. But whatever the reason, he doesn't want to be with you and I'm really sorry your so heart broken over it. Surround yourself with friends and family, keep yourself busy! You will get through this ❤️

carrot87 · 01/07/2023 20:10

SunflowerTed · 01/07/2023 20:00

there will be another woman waiting in the wings sadly xx

Bit insensitive...

stealthninjamum · 01/07/2023 20:14

Stop speaking and texting him, you’ll be on edge wondering if he wants to reconcile. He doesn’t dump you and then get to use you as a therapist.

I think no contact is much less painful. Block him everywhere - or tell him you don’t want to be his friend.

Mummy2022FT · 01/07/2023 20:20

I must share this quote with you, for me, this insight made me stronger when i was going through something similar.

"When a man loves you, he might have a million reasons to leave, but he will find one reason to stay. If he doesn't, he will have many reasons to stay but he will find one excuse to leave"

Just think about that.

You will get through this. Xx ❤️

winterchills · 01/07/2023 20:23

As awful as it sounds i think he has someone or something else going on, doesn't sound like a feasible excuse!

Theonlywayisup1 · 01/07/2023 21:48

Sorry you are going through this. I went through similar last year…he was shagging someone from work. Try to be strong. Go no contact, start to set your life up without him. Don’t do the pick me dance.

Strangerinastrangeland2023 · 01/07/2023 23:32

It's still very early days and very raw but it seems like you're the only one wanting to keep the relationship alive. Him texting and messaging could just be a way to keep you hanging on 'just in case ' as his security blanket, you deserve better than that.
Let tomorrow be the first day of the rest of your life. He's had enough of your tears, block him and take back control of your life. You deserve better xx

DollyTheFluffyOne · 02/07/2023 00:48

He's several steps ahead of you here and you are just catching up. I'm sorry that this has happened to you as I have been there. It can be devastating and believe me there is nothing that you can think that others will not have. He is not your friend just now and most likely will be doing this to ease out gently on his part feeling no guilt. He is acting coldly because he needs to believe that what he is doing is deserved for him. You will get over this but it does take time.

Mummy2022FT · 02/07/2023 06:32

DollyTheFluffyOne · 02/07/2023 00:48

He's several steps ahead of you here and you are just catching up. I'm sorry that this has happened to you as I have been there. It can be devastating and believe me there is nothing that you can think that others will not have. He is not your friend just now and most likely will be doing this to ease out gently on his part feeling no guilt. He is acting coldly because he needs to believe that what he is doing is deserved for him. You will get over this but it does take time.

@DollyTheFluffyOne

I agree this with this exactly, I just couldn't have worded it as well as you!

Capitulatingpanda · 02/07/2023 06:50

When I had a sudden v unexpected breakup in a 10year relationship it was another woman. He gave me all sorts of other reasons and absolutely swore there was no one else but I found out later that there was. We stayed friends at the beginning which made the breakup so much harder. It honestly felt like the world was ending, I stopped eating and sleeping, felt like I never wanted to be with anyone ever again. I did end up in another relationship 3 months later which was useful because my ex came crawling back expecting eventually me to still be waiting around and at that point all I felt for him was revulsion and telling him to get lost was so satisfying.
Don't stay friends and don't let him make you feel sorry for him when he's the one breaking up with you. You will be fine. I found it was more the loss of the future we had planned than the actual person that I was mourning.

Original poster
Cj777 · 02/07/2023 10:14

Thanks for your replies, I am still just completely devastated by it, can't stop thinking about him and if there is something else, which so many people have said.
I just feel like I don't want to be single, I miss this closeness and someone to spend time with, it's torture at the minute.

I hope it gets easier very very soon, he is staying with his family for a few days but due back Monday as he is still staying at the house until he finds somewhere else.

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 02/07/2023 10:20

theres a lot of cliches he’s trotting out there and like others have suggested likely to be because he has in fact met someone else. Don’t believe all the shit about being broken but not wanting to hurt you. He knows he is hurting you.
he shouldn’t be coming back to the house. If he is can you go and stay with a friend? I’d block him and apart from sorting out practicalities would have no further conversations with him.
my partner ended our relationship by deciding he wanted to live by himself after nine years together. I took him at his word and found myself a whole new life in my mid thirties. He did not.

you will be fine just feels like shit now.
he isn’t worth your tears and anguish. He won’t be crying over you

Mummy2022FT · 02/07/2023 10:36

Whiskeypowers · 02/07/2023 10:20

theres a lot of cliches he’s trotting out there and like others have suggested likely to be because he has in fact met someone else. Don’t believe all the shit about being broken but not wanting to hurt you. He knows he is hurting you.
he shouldn’t be coming back to the house. If he is can you go and stay with a friend? I’d block him and apart from sorting out practicalities would have no further conversations with him.
my partner ended our relationship by deciding he wanted to live by himself after nine years together. I took him at his word and found myself a whole new life in my mid thirties. He did not.

you will be fine just feels like shit now.
he isn’t worth your tears and anguish. He won’t be crying over you

@Whiskeypowers good for you. Xx

Ladybug14 · 02/07/2023 10:38

stealthninjamum · 01/07/2023 20:14

Stop speaking and texting him, you’ll be on edge wondering if he wants to reconcile. He doesn’t dump you and then get to use you as a therapist.

I think no contact is much less painful. Block him everywhere - or tell him you don’t want to be his friend.

This

You must do this for at least 3 months

MintJulia · 02/07/2023 10:39

winterchills · 01/07/2023 20:23

As awful as it sounds i think he has someone or something else going on, doesn't sound like a feasible excuse!

This.

Block him OP, you're just reopening the old wound every time you communicate with him. As hard as it it you need to draw a line in the sand.

Watchkeys · 02/07/2023 10:59

that I will never be loved again

Whether this one man wants to be in a relationship with you or not is not an objective judgement on how lovable you are. He isn't the final arbiter of your worthiness.

The first person you need to be loved by is you. Start that now. Aside from anything to do with him, what do you need?

DollyTheFluffyOne · 02/07/2023 12:00

You need to come to an agreement that he doesn't come back to the house. Is that Possible @Cj777 ?

Original poster
Cj777 · 03/07/2023 03:02

The thing is I want him to be at the house, we have been messaging today and I thought I could see glimmers of hope but no, in the end he still said he needs time to sort himself out, I feel terrible tonight, suicidal and going out of my mind, I can't see how I am going to get over it. Just heart broken

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2023 03:13

How sad to want your life to end over a man who couldn't give a fuck about you, who so easily casts you aside. He's cheating and playing with your emotions so callously.

Fuck that and fuck him. You are worth far more than he ever gave you. Don't ever allow a man to determine the value of your life.

Ladybug14 · 03/07/2023 05:18

Cj777 · 03/07/2023 03:02

The thing is I want him to be at the house, we have been messaging today and I thought I could see glimmers of hope but no, in the end he still said he needs time to sort himself out, I feel terrible tonight, suicidal and going out of my mind, I can't see how I am going to get over it. Just heart broken

It's heartbreaking at the moment. But you can't coerce and control him into doing something he doesn't want to do

Having him at the house with you seems a way to be close to him and get what you want (the renewal of the relationship) but all it will bring is more heartbreak

Like pouring acid over an open wound

You have to allow yourself to get used to being without him. You have to allow yourself to heal

Original poster
Cj777 · 03/07/2023 05:21

I have the option to go and stay at my dad's which is not far away, do you think I should do this to give me some space, he says he wants to be friends and I would love to be but as I still love him, I don't know how it would work?

OP posts:
WilkinsonM · 03/07/2023 05:26

Cj777 · 03/07/2023 05:21

I have the option to go and stay at my dad's which is not far away, do you think I should do this to give me some space, he says he wants to be friends and I would love to be but as I still love him, I don't know how it would work?

If you've genuinely broken up then you need to stop contact. You can't go from a ten year relationship to just friends with no transition period. Of course he wants you to be friends - that way he gets emotional support from you and gets to feel less guilty about your pain but it's not going to help you in the least. Go to your dad and stop contacting him for a few weeks.

Ladybug14 · 03/07/2023 05:28

Cj777 · 03/07/2023 05:21

I have the option to go and stay at my dad's which is not far away, do you think I should do this to give me some space, he says he wants to be friends and I would love to be but as I still love him, I don't know how it would work?

You need to spend 3 months absolutely no contact with this guy

It will (and is) hurt/hurting like hell

We've all been there, trust me. Its awful.

But it WILL get better but ONLY if you stop all contact

Honestly.... you deserve so so much more than this. Treat yourself with love and care. Pamper yourself. Don't keep chucking metaphorical acid over your wound every hour or so!