Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Sudden break up

126 replies

Cj777 · 01/07/2023 15:49

Hi, I am completely and utterly devastated, my partner of ten years decided in Sunday to end things, and I feel so low and suicidal , I don't want to carry on, it hurts so so deeply.

I just keep crying constantly, I love him so much and don't want to let him go, he said he couldn't handle the guilty feelings he has anymore and needs some head space and time to sort himself out. He had a one night stand and the beginning of the relationship and about two years found out that the woman who he had slept with not thinks her daughter is his. So he told me after a few weeks of finding this out, we broke up briefly but managed to work things out.. or so I thought but then this shock decision to just say he couldn't deal with it anymore and it has broken him.

I feel so sad, I just want us to work together through it, but he has said he needs to be alone, he wants to be friends and we are still speaking and texting all the time.

I feel lonely and that I will never be loved again, we were so so close and loving, and it's like he has just switched off his feelings overnight, I am heart broken feels like such a massive loss, don't know what to do with myself, I just want him to come back .

Thanks for listening

OP posts:

Original poster

Cj777 · 07/07/2023 11:45

I think you have hit the nail on the head there I am addicted to him, I think of him constantly and always want to try and be there and help but I think now he has well and truly had enough

OP posts:

OrbandSpectacle · 07/07/2023 13:00

He hasn't yet had enough of using you and your home for his convenience though.

Mix56 · 09/07/2023 12:26

You are still hoping for a reprieve. He is staying because it's convenient, not because he loves & cares.
Tell him to leave, he will bluster & say he has nowhere to go, he still wants to be "frieeeends",
You reply "I have friends they don't all live in my house."
You won't start to get better with him & his possessions being a constant reminder of this break up

perfectcolourfound · 09/07/2023 19:42

Please find your anger and recognise your value, Op.

This man was a poor partner from the start. He cheated. Your parents and children didn't like him. It sounds like they had good reason. You gave a list of reasons why he was never a great partner.

And now he's left you but is keeping you dangling. Because you're handy for somewhere to live, perhaps an ego boost, probably because he doesn't want to feel or look like the bad guy - so it suits him to be able to say you're still friends. Possibly because he might want a booty call at some point in the future.

Whatever, he isn't acting in your best interests. You don't owe him a roof. It's YOUR house. He decided to leave you, so he leaves your house. That's how it works. He doesn't get to use you as his free therapist either. You are going through the torment of him leaving you, yet he expects you to nurse him through his own problems? Those problems he caused himself by cheating on you?

Focus on yourself, and rebuilding your relationship with your children. Block him on everything. Nothing good will come feom keeping in touch. It will just drag out the process of getting over him, and give him multiple opportunities to hurt you, again and again. He doesn't deserve your sympathy, your friendship or your love.

Know your value. You deserve better than him.

Original poster

Cj777 · 23/07/2023 15:23

Hi
Well he found a room and moved some stuff out today, but says he wants to remain friends and we have been texting, calling, going out places, he is taking me out for my birthday next week.
He says I am special to him and he doesn't want me out of his life. I am struggling with it as I really dont want him out of mine either.

OP posts:

OrbandSpectacle · 23/07/2023 15:30

So no real change then.

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 15:36

how can you respect a man who has to keep bothering you to tell you that he needs time to get his head sorted? Has he not considered your position or your feelings at all

Any thoughts on this? Has he actually taken any time to get his head sorted?

He's got you dangling. You'll do anything he says, now, just to keep him close.

Break it off, OP. No good will come of being friends with someone who disrespects your needs. Has he asked you how you want things to be, going forward?

Original poster

Cj777 · 23/07/2023 15:41

I just can't bring myself to not see him again, I am struggling so much with the whole thing. He hasn't taken any time to sort his head out yet but he said when he leaves he will seek help for it.

OP posts:

Ofcourseshecan · 23/07/2023 15:48

It’s frustrating to see you letting him keep you on a string, playing with you by acting as if you are friends, pulling the string a bit when you look like breaking away …

It’s cruel, and everyone here is telling you to stop letting him do it.

He may come back to you for a while if he feels like it. Then he’ll drop you again when he meets some interesting new woman. But he’ll keep you on that string, as a backup, as long as you let him.

While you’re letting him do this, you can never heal, and you can’t move on and find someone better.

It’s frustrating that so many PPs have told you this and you’re not listening.

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 15:52

I just can't bring myself to not see him again

What do you think would happen to you? How would it be worse than watching him move on, or watching him quickly meet someone else, or having him decide he wants to get in your pants but not commit?

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 15:57

https://www.happierhuman.com/get-over-someone/

Don't just take it from us.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/07/2023 16:26

Stop being friends with this utter shit! You are making it so easy for him.

He lovebombed you until he moved in with you. Remember during the lovebombing phase he cheated on you. Now he well have a baby as a result.

He abused you financially and tries to control what you spend money on. He's horrible!

Every time he treats you badly you dance around, trying to keep him happy. It must be absolutely exhausting. Give yourself a break, tell him to sod off and leave you alone.

Original poster

Cj777 · 23/07/2023 17:30

I am just feeling so weak and I get everyone's advice but can't seem to be strong enough just yet to take it on board or to do no contact

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 17:42

Where did you learn this, @Cj777 ? What was your relationship like with your parents as you grew up? Were they kind and respectful to you? Were your feelings listened to and taken into consideration?

Sometimes we can develop this desperate need for another person's attention because it's how we felt about a parent... that they could dismiss what we wanted, but we still had to try really hard to get their love and attention. It's not always down to neglectful parents; it can happen if there was a more demanding sibling, illness, addiction, overwork etc... anything that stole your parents' attention from you. Does any of that ring a bell?

Start thinking about you, now, at least some of the time. You have the responsibility of healing you, and to do that, you need to be taking very special care of yourself. This is about you, now, and your life. It's not about him, or how he feels, any more.

Original poster

Cj777 · 23/07/2023 17:45

Watchkeys, yes as a child I was an only child in an army family, my dad went away alot and my mum relied on me to keep her company so she wasn't alone, I think I am so desperate and scared that I will be alone.

OP posts:

DoubleTime · 23/07/2023 17:52

You don't have to go NC yet OP, do whatever you need to to get you through this initial hurt period, but don't see him or speak to him every day. If cutting him off completely feels too much , then just cut contact back - don't text every day, only meet once a week. Then when you feel better make that once a fortnight, then once a month, and by then you will be feeling so much better you won't even be thinking about about meeting him much.
If you see him as often as you are doing now, you will never give yourself the chance to get used to him not being around and get on with your life.

Original poster

Cj777 · 23/07/2023 17:57

Thank you doubletime, I think that will be more manageable.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 18:04

Cj777 · 23/07/2023 17:45

I would see this more as you having to cater for your Mum's feelings, and whether you did a good job of it dictating whether you had a good or bad day. So, even if you were really pissed off with something, you still had to put her feelings first in order to keep her close. Regardless of any other circumstances. For example, if she'd done something that you didn't like, you still felt you needed to be her little mate, for example.

Does that seem to fit at all? I might be barking up the wrong tree.

Original poster

Cj777 · 23/07/2023 18:06

Yes that's exactly right and it still happens to this day

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 23/07/2023 18:08

Cj777 · 23/07/2023 17:30

I am just feeling so weak and I get everyone's advice but can't seem to be strong enough just yet to take it on board or to do no contact

Well by ignoring the (very sound) advice, you're hurting yourself more. This a death of 1000 cuts and you're allowing it. You won't start to heal until you go cold turkey with him. Cut him off. You can't be friends.

youlied · 23/07/2023 18:09

There will be another woman guaranteed

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 18:11

youlied · 23/07/2023 18:09

There will be another woman guaranteed

Why do you think you know this? Not all men are your ex, or your friend's exes.

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 18:14

OK, @Cj777 , so you can see why you have this pattern.

I've found it helpful to think of someone really really confident and boundaried (have you seen 'Good Girls' on Netflix? Ruby is a good character for this), and think about what they would do in the same situation. If you don't know who Ruby is, use someone you know, or a different character from the TV or a book.

Mari9999 · 23/07/2023 19:01

@Cj777
Sometimes it is possible to like/love someone or something even though you know that it is not good for you.

In spite of all of the well-intentioned and helpful advice, you will probably hang on until he truly cuts you.off entirely.

Don't beat yourself up too much over this , just keep in mind that a painful day is likely coming and be prepared to handle that day.

Whatever good or whatever pleasure you are getting from his company is only on loan to you. Don't make the mistake of thinking of this as something long term or permanent. He can't and won't give that to you, but as long as you recognize that this is only for a moment you can protect your heart until the inevitable heartbreak comes.

MNHQ

ImaniMumsnet · 23/07/2023 19:12

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster than they can afford to spare.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6