Sudden break up

[Cj777]

Hi, I am completely and utterly devastated, my partner of ten years decided in Sunday to end things, and I feel so low and suicidal , I don't want to carry on, it hurts so so deeply.

I just keep crying constantly, I love him so much and don't want to let him go, he said he couldn't handle the guilty feelings he has anymore and needs some head space and time to sort himself out. He had a one night stand and the beginning of the relationship and about two years found out that the woman who he had slept with not thinks her daughter is his. So he told me after a few weeks of finding this out, we broke up briefly but managed to work things out.. or so I thought but then this shock decision to just say he couldn't deal with it anymore and it has broken him.

I feel so sad, I just want us to work together through it, but he has said he needs to be alone, he wants to be friends and we are still speaking and texting all the time.

I feel lonely and that I will never be loved again, we were so so close and loving, and it's like he has just switched off his feelings overnight, I am heart broken feels like such a massive loss, don't know what to do with myself, I just want him to come back .

Thanks for listening

What are his messages about. @Cj777 ? What is he asking/telling you?

He always asks am I ok, then says he just needs to get himself right, he says who knows what the future holds but wants to be friends as he still loves and cares for me but just can't deal with his head right now, still wants us to go out together and away together etc

Yep, I went through the same, after 30 years!!!

More than 4 years later our divorce is still dragging on because my parents have since died and he thinks he should have a share of their estate!!

Don't believe a word he says - he is all about making his life easier and doesn't care how much he hurts you in the process. So sorry.

Hes taking the absolute piss and when you're feeling a bit calmer and clearer you'll be able to see it.
He wants the emotional comfort and familiarity of having you close, without the commitment or monogamy.

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you, it's awful to find out that someone you love isn't who you thought they were. You will get through it.

He is trying to keep you dangling on a string in case whatever he's got his eye on doesn't work out. He's being an absolute cunt.

WTAF!!!!!!

Oh no no no!

This is really cruel.
He's keeping you hanging as the backup option by stopping you from moving on.

Tell him to get himself right on his own, now that he's single. Tell him you don't need progress reports, and he won't be getting any. Tell him you're going to be getting on with your life without him, as he has ended the relationship and needs to face that.

He's being really pathetic. Even if it's all genuine and not an attempt to manipulate you, how can you respect a man who has to keep bothering you to tell you that he needs time to get his head sorted? Has he not considered your position or your feelings at all?

What has he been like as a partner, @Cj777 ? What would you say have been the difficult parts of having a relationship with him? Is he good at communication? Conflict resolution? Admitting being in the wrong? Being able to change his mind? I've got a strange feeling you're going to say he can be quite stubborn/stroppy/moody/silent when he doesn't get his own way, and always keep on being the one in the right...?

*keen on being the one in the right

This happened to me in March. I couldn’t function for about 6 weeks. I’m now nearly 4months on. Does it get easier…yes sort of I guess, but now I’m in a limbo. I was convinced there was someone else now I actually don’t think there was. There may have been in the 4 months. We actually talk everyday relatively normally but I just can’t get him to talk about his feelings towards me. I haven’t given up just yet I believe he is having MH issues but it’s coming up to a crunch point now. We still live in the same house and he was meant to find somewhere but hasn’t yet still. I have actually been on dates as I thought it would help me know there is a life out there for me still, if anything it shows I still love him. If it’s 100% done get him to move out it’s bloody hard if they don’t! You will get through it whatever happens. At the end of the day you can have a million opinions but only you and your partner matter at the end of the day. If you want to wait wait. If you want to kick him out kick him out. Your the one having to live your life 💕

@autumn1610

Do you really think a healthy relationship has that situation in its present or past?

I just can’t get him to talk about his feelings towards me

v

only you and your partner matter at the end of the day

He is not counting your feelings as if they matter at all. You are the one to whom you both matter. He is looking after him. No need to move house, no need to be tied to a relationship.

This happened to me and i was a total mess!!!!
With the help of amazing friends I got through it and took it a day at a time.

Do NOT speak to him unless you absolutely have to. Tell him this is his decision and you need time too to move on. I would not leave the house. Take time for you OP, there's nothing more attractive that positivity and confidence, Show him you are NOT weak at all. He has literally got you where he wants you, hanging on a thread waiting for him to make a decision .. fuck that!!

Thank you everyone I am so so low and feeling like ending it as I can't stand this feeling, I had panic attacks last night, I feel sick, I have just contacted the doctors to see if can get something to help I am not sleeping either.

Please do not let him stay in your house. Just don't.

He has no legal right to be there and he will mess your head if you allow it. Time to be hard nosed and get rid of him completely now. I know it's hard, but it will be one hundred times harder if he is still living in your home and working on your emotions all the time.

Please, please do not do this.

It's all a crock of shit from him. You are still at the stage where you want ANY contact with him however poisonous that may be. That will stop eventually and you will see him for what it is. Many of us have been there and it is because you currently cannot envisage a future with out him but you will have one. You just can't see it yet. You are hoping to change his mind. His words are cruel and shows what a dick he is. They always want to be friends for that fall back shag. Come on now - do you think that you are worth so little to entertain him when HE feels like it. Tell him to off off with his ideas.

If someone’s treatment of you makes you feel suicidal then there is no clearer messages than they are anything but a source of good in your life.

believe me there will soon come a day when you will cringe at the thought of him. He really is just a total prick who is toying with you.

It's only natural to feel like this no matter how much of a prick he is.

@Watchkeys probably not explained myself very well tbh in regards to the talking thing and don’t really want to derail the thread with my drama. Was just trying to say OP’s situation at the end of the day is between her and her partner, only they are living through it. You can have a million opinions but only the 2 of them are living their situation and know the full extent. If I took the word of mumsnet like I did at the time all I got was there is someone else and you know what I got convinced there was and I genuinely now after talking believe he was telling the truth.

When someone breaks up with you, it really shakes your sense of self. It's normal to feel unloveable and lonely but those are temporary states of mind.

just really look after yourself. You may not be very hungry (or you may want to comfort eat) but eat delicious healthy food, go for walks or do some exercises - at home if you can't face the gym or public classes. Have long hot baths, read trashy escapist novels, watch funny films - not about romance! In time you will start to feel a bit better.

Make a you-only bucket list. Not the kind of thing you'd rather do with him around, but the kind of thing you cam only do alone or without him. A women's retreat or spa, maybe an evening class in a subject that interests you, cooking food you love that he hated, visiting old school friends or relatives he didn't know or didn't get on with, listen to music you love thathe hated - at top volume! etc etc. Get your sense of self back.

OP please believe us when we say you won't feel like this forever and the sooner you cut him off and stop letting him mess with your head the sooner the pain will stop. I feel like you need two things right now, the first is peace from him so you can start to focus on you and get your thoughts straight without him monopolising your headspace. And the second is distraction, doing something that means you don't have to think about any of this for a while so your brain can quietly process what's happening in the background without you having to feel every emotion along the way.

I call it autopilot and it really helps me, I find I come back to the issue with a fresh perspective if I can switch off from it for a while. Can you think of anything you could do 'on autopilot'? It can be anything from losing yourself in something on tv or a book, crafting or other hobbies if you have any, going out to do some sort of activity with a friend, exercise, whatever works for you to switch your brain off for a bit.

Op when my exh left I read lots of ‘experts’ and psychologists on YouTube and read lots.

whether you want him back or whether you want to get over him the advice is always the same. Move on. ‘fake it til you make it.’ Go as low contact as you can / no contact if possible. The theory is that we don’t want something that’s too easy for us so if someone is doing the ‘pick me’ dance it is unattractive whereas if they are the person we are when we met them ie strong, independent they become more appealing.

So my advice would be to go no contact, find yourself again - new hobbies or projects, catch up with friends, exercise to release happy hormones.

My ex left after 20 years and I thought my life was over. I pathetically begged him to stay, obviously he didn’t. I focused on myself - diet, gym, meet-up groups. By the time he had doubts I felt so good I no longer wanted him. I think he had his head turned by someone at work who was flirting with him and had no intention of hooking up with him.

Anyway I now have a wonderful partner so and I can’t tel you how much happier I am with him than my ex.

"He always asks am I ok, then says he just needs to get himself right, he says who knows what the future holds but wants to be friends as he still loves and cares for me but just can't deal with his head right now, still wants us to go out together and away together etc"

Oh this took me back, the guy I loved broke my heart, he pseudo left, but didn't move out of our flat, he had the best of both worlds. he went out in the evenings etc, I stayed at home pining. The Tosser.
He had his eye on someone esle (turned out to be a real Don Juan)
He wanted to be "friends"... Oh the begging, the hurt, the desperate hope he would reconsider....
I went away & worked in France for 6 months, ended up having a ball, (he is the mean time had had an affair with the gf of one of his friends, I'd even lent her my car in my absence !!)
He went on to hurt more women before finding a wife.
Please stop waiting, hoping, crying, the stronger You are, the better it will be,
He may have an about turn, but not if your a snivelling crying puddle on the floor. Please respect yourself,
You will not die, you will not kill yourself, your life does not depend on him.

That is so simple and true; thanks for sharing.

I just spoke to him he is definitely going to me moving out just finding a place, he said he does not want to get back with me but still does say he wants to be friends, I have some diazepam and sertraline from the docs now so hopefully these will take the edge off as I come to terms with what's happened and try to adjust to it all, I think it will be better when he does move out as it will put that distance in place however I still can't imagine myself not speaking to him and judging by all the comments , you will all think I am mad and too soft for doing so, but I still want him in my life as friends.

but I still want him in my life as friends.

And that may be possible in time. But not right now. You need some proper cold turkey to make that transition otherwise you will always be trying (however subconsciously) to make it something else.