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Mental health

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Original poster

Sudden break up

126 replies

Cj777 · 01/07/2023 15:49

Hi, I am completely and utterly devastated, my partner of ten years decided in Sunday to end things, and I feel so low and suicidal , I don't want to carry on, it hurts so so deeply.

I just keep crying constantly, I love him so much and don't want to let him go, he said he couldn't handle the guilty feelings he has anymore and needs some head space and time to sort himself out. He had a one night stand and the beginning of the relationship and about two years found out that the woman who he had slept with not thinks her daughter is his. So he told me after a few weeks of finding this out, we broke up briefly but managed to work things out.. or so I thought but then this shock decision to just say he couldn't deal with it anymore and it has broken him.

I feel so sad, I just want us to work together through it, but he has said he needs to be alone, he wants to be friends and we are still speaking and texting all the time.

I feel lonely and that I will never be loved again, we were so so close and loving, and it's like he has just switched off his feelings overnight, I am heart broken feels like such a massive loss, don't know what to do with myself, I just want him to come back .

Thanks for listening

OP posts:

J0S · 03/07/2023 05:28

Cj777 · 03/07/2023 05:21

I have the option to go and stay at my dad's which is not far away, do you think I should do this to give me some space, he says he wants to be friends and I would love to be but as I still love him, I don't know how it would work?

It won’t work to be friends . He is using you to assuage his own guilt and to keep his options open. You are doing the pick me dance and hoping he will chase his mind.

One of you needs to move out right now and as he’s ended it it should be him. He’s had plenty time to plan this. Unless it’s his place of course .

Original poster

Cj777 · 03/07/2023 05:29

I am going to have to find the strength from somewhere to do this, he has messaged me all day and called me several times today, I am just hanging on a thread

OP posts:

Ladybug14 · 03/07/2023 05:30

Cj777 · 03/07/2023 05:29

I am going to have to find the strength from somewhere to do this, he has messaged me all day and called me several times today, I am just hanging on a thread

He is cruel

You must look after you

Original poster

Cj777 · 03/07/2023 05:31

No it's rented in my name, I don't want to push him out as he is struggling with his head too, but I could just go and stay at my dads

OP posts:

J0S · 03/07/2023 05:31

Tell him to stop messaging you and phoning you , that it’s over and he needs to give you space .

He is a real shut to treat you like this , you deserve better.

Have told any family / friends in real life? Are you due at work today @Cj777 ?

Ladybug14 · 03/07/2023 05:32

Cj777 · 03/07/2023 05:31

No it's rented in my name, I don't want to push him out as he is struggling with his head too, but I could just go and stay at my dads

If its your place, he has ended the relationship then HE moves out

This is the first step of you looking after you

Original poster

Cj777 · 03/07/2023 05:32

Yes I have told my friends, I am supposed to be at work how I am going to concentrate I don't know.

OP posts:

J0S · 03/07/2023 05:34

Ok I’ve just seen that your place is rented in your name. He needs to leave now, he can stay with a mate and then rent his own place. Do NOT leave your own place for him, he is the one who wants to leave and he needs to do so today. You are no pushing him anywhere , he is the one who has ended things .

He can go and “ struggle” with someone else, you are not his therapist.

J0S · 03/07/2023 05:37

You go into work and tell your favourite colleagues / line manager that you’ve had a shit weekend , your BF has moved out but you are going to be fine . If they are half decent people they will cut you sone slack for a couple of days .

Tell you ex he’s not moving back in and to stop calling you and texting you.

Crispymandm · 03/07/2023 05:44

Blank him completely, how dare anyone treat somebody like this, he’s manipulating you in my opinion. Put your chin in the air, shoulders back , even if you don’t feel particularly strong right now. I hope you can manage to sleep and eat op x

Iwasrightallalong · 03/07/2023 05:44

Hi OP, I really feel your pain with this. My ex ended our relationship back in January completely out of the blue and suddenly, I was absolutely devastated. To the point I almost felt like there was no point on carrying on at times, but we have a young child so I had to.
He swore there was nobody else but I think the suddenness and his complete resolution not to give any time to work on things made me think otherwise (having never suspected anything at all previously)
long story short, he’s spent the last 7 months gaslighting and lying, of course he’s seeing someone (who he worked with and still trying to tell everyone they started seeing each other after our split) even introduced our child to her without telling me.
In short, there’s still a part of me that’s struggling with it all, and due to the fact that I can’t just cut him out of my life I imagine I will struggle for some time to come, but I feel so much better now, I’m really seeing him for who he is and not who I thought he was.
You will start to feel better, but you really need to take it one day at a time, and if you don’t have kids then just end all contact, I wish I had been able to do that.
But the point is that you WILL feel better at some point xx

MySugarBabyLove · 03/07/2023 05:49

OP you’re hurting and this will take time, but you can take your time to heal on the inside while showing him on the outside that he’s not worth your tears.

Text him one last time. “I wish you luck in the future, I will drop your stuff off at <insert place of choosing> Goodbye and take care.”

Then block and delete his number. The end.

He doesn’t need to know that you’re hurting, but the less you have to deal with him, the easier it is going to be to come through this.

Original poster

Cj777 · 03/07/2023 06:10

It hurts so much I don't think I have felt heart break like this. I will have to really try if you think that will work.

OP posts:

OrbandSpectacle · 03/07/2023 07:15

He is not your friend. He just wants to make sure he still has somewhere to live, hence the constant texts and calls.

Whataretheodds · 03/07/2023 07:18

Cj777 · 03/07/2023 05:21

Yes you should do this.

I agree with all PP. You need to go no contact.

Make a list of all the things you miss about him. Then mark all the ones that apply to any nice relationship (not something that only he can offer).

Then make a list of all the things that you won't miss/stuff you didn't do with him, and all the things you want to do. Start making plans to do those things either alone, with friends or with people you don't know yet.

Get outside every day for at least 30 mins, raise your heart rate every day for 20 minutes (or more if you already do that). Speak to a friend or loved one (not him) every day - call or in person, not just text.

Rant on here, rant to a journal, but do not talk him about your feelings or his feelings or general chit chat. He doesn't get to be your friend right now.

Whataretheodds · 03/07/2023 07:20

OK - place is in your name - Do NOt move out. Be out while he collects his stuff but do not move out of YOUR home.

He should have thought of where he was going to live. He'll be fine to sofa surf till he finds somewhere.

Whataretheodds · 03/07/2023 07:21

Cj777 · 03/07/2023 05:29

I am going to have to find the strength from somewhere to do this, he has messaged me all day and called me several times today, I am just hanging on a thread

How cruel of him to do that!! Aren't you angry with him?

Whiskeypowers · 03/07/2023 07:26

OrbandSpectacle · 03/07/2023 07:15

He is not your friend. He just wants to make sure he still has somewhere to live, hence the constant texts and calls.

i agree.
That and sex if he feels like it.

you need to tell him that since he he decided he doesn’t want to be with you anymore that your home and you are not accessible anymore.

Allelbowsandtoes · 03/07/2023 07:41

Cj777 · 02/07/2023 10:14

Thanks for your replies, I am still just completely devastated by it, can't stop thinking about him and if there is something else, which so many people have said.
I just feel like I don't want to be single, I miss this closeness and someone to spend time with, it's torture at the minute.

I hope it gets easier very very soon, he is staying with his family for a few days but due back Monday as he is still staying at the house until he finds somewhere else.

I have been there before, I remember how you're feeling - its such an intense emotional pain that it feels physical, and it's very difficult when you've lived together and your lives are so joined, as there's all the practicalities to sort out too.

When my ex before my current DP broke up with me, we were living together but he left straight away to stay elsewhere, which seemed fair as he'd instigated the breakup. It was very painful but luckily I have some wonderful friends who looked after me and helped me move out of the house.

3 years on I'm in the most wonderful, healthy relationship with a man who is a million times better for me than the ex was, and I'm so glad the ex made that decision. I'm sure you aren't thinking about new relationships now but just please have hope that things will get better x

NutellaNut · 03/07/2023 07:44

You need to find your anger OP. He’s not your friend, he’s treating you terribly. He doesn’t get to break up with you and still keep you as a friend/therapist who also provides him with a place to live. You need to tell him to collect his stuff and go to stay with friends or family immediately. Do not let him move back in. You’d be an absolute mug if you do. He needs to realise there are consequences for his actions.

Maybe, just maybe it will make him wake up want to reconcile. (Although he’s shown his true colours here, so I’d be rethinking the relationship in your shoes.) Even I’d it doesn’t, it’s the first step in getting your life back together, otherwise you’ll only be dragging it out the misery.

Discretionassured · 03/07/2023 08:14

Completely agree with PP's OP, you will never start to come to terms with what's happening while he's still calling, texting, taking up your head space. I also agree that you shouldn't let him come back, he's been clear he doesn't want to be with you so why on earth would you let him stay?!!

You do need to find your anger, it's what will get you through these first, immensely painful, few days and help you to not do the 'pick me' dance for him, he doesn't deserve that. He is actually being very cruel, keeping up contact with you and pretending to be your friend to assuage his own guilt and ensure he has a place to stay, he's using you.

You will get over this a million times faster if you block him, you're literally re-opening the wound everytime you let him back into your headspace with his 'friendly' messages and calls. Stop letting him make himself feel better at your expense, find your pride and self respect and let him lie in the bed he's made for himself, somewhere other than your home

Original poster

Cj777 · 03/07/2023 08:21

I am just too soft thanks for all the advice, I will have to start using it soon, he is due back late tonight, I am so so upset but it has not turned to anger yet, last night was really difficult i didn't want to even make it till the morning

OP posts:

BoohooWoohoo · 03/07/2023 08:33

As pp said you need to go no contact. Being in contact is preventing you from processing things and starting on the healing process. Texting him is delaying the inevitable. Sorry.
Your loving words are an ego boost for him. He can pretend that he's a good guy when like a pp I suspect that he has his eye on someone else.
As a pp said you need to realise that he is not your friend. Him saying that he wants to be friends is about him feeling less guilty about how he's treated you and not really about him wanting to be friends.
It's horrific and fucking painful but he's doing everything to stop you from healing and moving on which is super selfish. You deserve happiness and while it will be painful to go no contact, it's necessary in order to feel better.

💐

PinedApple · 03/07/2023 08:55

Agree with what everyone else has said. So sorry you're going through this and feeling so rubbish.

Please have faith that how you feel now will not last forever even though it feels like it will. You will feel happy again.

You will get through this and if it helps consider all the possibilities now open to you for your future. Take care

Whataretheodds · 03/07/2023 09:12

You WILL get through this.

Can you plan to be out of the house while he comes round.

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